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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

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Original poster

How soon to go back to work after miscarriage? Any advice please...

33 replies

purplegryffon · 19/04/2008 21:23

Hi, just posted on another thread about miscarrying at 5 weeks. Obviously am devastated as we were TTC for ages and were just so happy. But now this has happened I don't know what to do about work. My boss took me to the hospital today & I have since texted him the news so he knows the situation.
Am supposed to work tomorrow, Mon, Wed, Thu & Fri this week - am a nurse doing 7.30 - 5.00 shifts. I'd like to take the week so I can get my head straight and pack since we are moving house in 4 weeks too. But is this too much? I feel a bit of a fraud as I don't feel physically ill - just a head case right now.
Any ideas of what I should do? Anyone been in a similar situation?

OP posts:

Izzywhizzy · 19/04/2008 21:30

Bumping for you.

Bluestocking · 19/04/2008 21:32

I'm so sorry to hear your sad news. I am sure your GP would sign you off for at least a week.
Take care of yourself.

Pinkranger · 19/04/2008 21:56

so sorry to hear your sad news , when i had my miscarry i had to have a ERPC so was off for one week but like you was trying for a long time so devastated, just couldn't seem to function, went to see doc and he signed me off for another week.
6 months later i fell pg again and now he is fast asleep upstairs x
Hope you are ok,

thornrose · 19/04/2008 21:59

I really am sorry for you, it is horrible isn't it? I think you definitely should have the week off. I went back after one week but had to go home, mainly because I was so tearful all the time. Take care of yourself, have you contacted Miscarriage Association, they're great.

napa · 19/04/2008 22:01

i had erpc on 1st april and the dr gave me a week off. i'm a midwife and the way this worked with my shifts was actually 2 weeks off work which i needed. i am now on holiday but feel more ready to go back now than last week

spicemonster · 19/04/2008 22:02

I was off for about 3 weeks when I had a MMC at 13 weeks. I think it's about when you feel ready to go back - it's the psychological effects more than the physical ones. Your GP will sign you off if you feel you need more time.

So sorry to hear about your loss, I know how hard it is.

poppy34 · 19/04/2008 22:02

firstly so sorry for your loss. I think a week off is not excessive in the circumstances - you do need that time to get yourself together (it'll take more than a week but a week taking care of yourself will be good for you). Secondly I really wish I had done this - I took a couple of days off (mainly as I was in pain) and wish I had taken more. I felt run down for about 2 months afterwards and went down with anything going -in retrospect I am sure it is because I tried to get back into things too quickly.

Given you are also moving (pretty stressful in itself) and I imagine that your job can be pretty intense (physically/mentally) I don't think you are being excessive to need this time off.

take good care of yourself and hugs to you xx

tissy · 19/04/2008 22:03

don't think a week is unreasonable, but don't tell your boss (or anyone else at work) that you're planning to spend the time packing- doubt if they would be sympathetic, tbh

cazcaz · 19/04/2008 22:12

Oh purple, I'm really sorry this has happened. I miscarried about ten days ago also at five weeks. I went back to work a couple of days later but realise this was perhaps a mistake. I couldn't concentrate and felt I could have cried at any moment. However I only work part time (have 2 dc's already)so it wasn't so bad iyswim.

When I went to see my (very lovely) GP this week to get the miscarriage on my medical records, she said that I should allow myself time to grieve and that she generally advises a few days rest at home.

Although it was very early into the pregnancy this was the potential for a life that you had created and a few days at home coming to terms with your loss is entirely reasonable.

Original poster

purplegryffon · 20/04/2008 10:20

Thank you for your advice and comforting words... The packing so to speak was just my way of doing something 'practical' - you know? Not as an aside to how I'm feeling... I'm devastated, distraught, so upset and hurting - that I don't know what to do with myself.
Just figured that if I can concentrate on something else like throwing a few things into some boxes - it may help. Actually it's not - I tried packing a few things up this morning as I couldn't sleep or sit still - and all it did was remind me of another 'ending' so to speak - plus then the bleeding and the pain got really bad - so I guess I just answered my own question really...
I spoke to my boss - who was terrific actually - told me to not think about next week - deal with it as and when, just take a day at a time and go back when I feel emotionally and physically ready. Which was realy lovely of him considering it's a fast paced environment & nobody does 'sickies'.

What helped with coming to terms with this? I know that medically there was something wrong with development for a MC to happen at this stage - but it's the overwhelming sense of loss - that's what I'm struggling with...

OP posts:

spicemonster · 20/04/2008 11:19

You poor thing.

There are apparently seven stages of grieving -
Shock or Disbelief, Denial, Bargaining, Guilt,
Anger, Depression and finally Acceptance and Hope.

I found it helped me when I found myself getting angry (for example) because it meant that I was making progress. I also marked the due date with a private ceremony and planted a tree which only I know about. More than anything though, it just takes time - and I don't think the healing process really starts until after the miscarriage is over. Please rest while it's going on, it's hard on your body. I also think trying again as soon as you feel ready (and the GP says is okay) is really important.

Take care.

catzy · 20/04/2008 11:34

I'm glad you have an understanding boss. I took a week off after my m/c. I went back for a day and found it too hard to concentrate and then took the rest of the second week off as well.

Take care of yourself.

berolina · 20/04/2008 11:38

I'm very sorry.
Have the week. I have worked through two miscarriages and tbh it was crap. I was dealing with people too (was a university teacher) and it is very hard to be i that sort of situation where you can't really tell anyone why you might not be in the best position to deal with tricky things or suffer fools gladly. By my third mc I had learned my lesson and took time out.
(I also have two lovely children, btw. Don't lose hope )

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 20/04/2008 16:07

go and get signed off at the GP.I got 2 weeks both times and one was 'only' 5 weeks, it's about your headspace not how well you feel.

scotlass · 20/04/2008 17:47

I went straight back to work in Jul 07 after my 1st natural mc (7wks pg) however had been on 2wks AL when it started so had 2wks off in effect. Second time round had a mmc at 11+wks, needed an Erpc which I had at 12+wks and was signed off by GP (without needing to be seen just handed in hospital discharge letter) and he signed me off for 4wks. I'm a nurse in the community and my job is totally dealing with babies/familes so really needed time to get my head together before going back to work. I feel I went back too quickly 1st time round, really noticed the benefit of having a couple of weeks to cry/build up my confidence and go for long walks to try and think things through second time round. I guess what I'm trying to say in a rambling fashion is take the time you need.

Goodluck purplegryffon. People at work cope without us but don't really make much allowance when you're there in body if not in spirit.

1066andallthat · 20/04/2008 18:40

Do what you need to do - honestly, a week away will not make that much difference to your colleagues but might be the difference between make and break for you.

I actually worked and shopped and cried through one - but it was how I wanted to do it and that is what counts. What is right for you isn't for someone else. So, you have to be kind to yourself - please.

I was lucky too and was pregnant again within two months - he is presently wrecking havoc upstairs . Take care.

Original poster

purplegryffon · 21/04/2008 11:35

Thank you for all your support - it has been a huge help... Been to doctors - was so emotional - couldn't stop crying - but he gave me 2 weeks off... Told me to relax, grieve, support each other and get ready to start again (lovely doctor) so I will try and do just that... Thanks again xxx

OP posts:

scotlass · 21/04/2008 19:05

I'm glad you're taking some time off, I think it'll help a bit. See how you are after the 2 weeks, i remember thinking it was a long time but emotionally still felt really fragile. The rawness calms down eventually and becomes more of a dull ache imo but we all grieve in our own way. take care x

OffTheCoffee · 21/04/2008 19:10

Hello purple - so sorry it's sad news for you, too. I've been given 2 weeks each time, but didn't take it second time because I felt guilty about work and I really wish I had, because it took longer to get over physically. It does get easier, but no-one can tell you how you should be feeling at any point - whatever you feel is fine (anger, sadness, not much at all) is fine. My measure to go back this time will be when I am not actually going to physical harm someone who says something which they mean well but is actually dreadful (it wasn't like losing a real baby was it? etc). We planted a tree and a rose for our little ones when we started to feel a bit better after a few weeks and it's lovely now when I look out of the window and see them growing. Take time and care - I'll be rooting for you when it's time again x

Bluestocking · 22/04/2008 11:28

Scotlass, "People at work cope without us but don't really make much allowance when you're there in body if not in spirit" - never a truer word!

whoops · 22/04/2008 11:36

I'm sorry to hear this.
When I had a missed m/c I had they day I found out which was a Friday and the Monday so that I could email my colleagues to let them know what had happened. I then went in for a week until I had another scan and then had the 2 days plus a weekend when I had the D & C
When I was first told I didn't think I could work for the n following 2 weeks but I actually found going in and keeping busy was good for me. I did have times where I shut my office door and didn't want to see anyone but I was out of home and not left thinking over things too much
Look after yourself x

callmeovercautious · 22/04/2008 11:43

I am really sorry about your M/C. As an HR person I would always accept someone in your position will need time off. Sick leave if the GP signs you off and compassionate leave if not. Our compassionate leave is a bit open ended depending on the situation. I would think a week or two is more than reasonable. From what you have said it sounds like your Boss is being understanding so forget about work and give yourself and DH time to be together.

Purlease · 24/04/2008 15:46

I'm going back to the office tomorrow after having an ERPC on Tuesday. I have been working at home the last few days. Got an email today to say that a colleague is having champagne and cake tomorrow at 11:30 to celebrate her going off on maternity leave. That started the waterworks - plan to get DH to phone me at that time so I don't have to face that

Original poster

purplegryffon · 24/04/2008 20:11

Purlease - I am so sorry for your loss... Did they know at work? Seems a bit insensitive if they did. Could you go in after lunch or take another day? I thought that my 2 weeks would be too long - but I am up and down like a yo-yo... One minute I'm ok, consoling other people about our loss, the next I'm a big sobbing wreck... So the fact that the doctor took it out of my hands and made the decision for me is something of a relief... Take care of you...

OP posts:

Purlease · 25/04/2008 10:52

Only immediate team know at work. Email was an all staffer. It's standard practise here to give people a send off. Would rather that people don't tippy toe around me but it's all a bit raw at the moment.

Sorry for your loss too.

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