16 week loss

[Vie8126]

Can anyone help or give some advice I went for a private gender scan yest with both mums and my dp and unfortunately there was no heartbeat. I had to go to hospital to have it confirmed and waiting to have a call to arrange an induction. Im just devastated I'm frightened and scared. The hospital told us it's a baby girl I just have so many questions like what will happen to her after? My midwife mentioned there is a surgical option but it isn't recommended my dp thinks that's the best way and can't seem to understand that I don't think it is it won't settle my mind. I've not slept all I can do is cry or I have the scanner ladies words going round and round in my head. I'm just at a loss with whys etc.

So sorry for your loss, I know how horrendous it is. Thinking of you right now x

I won't go into the gruesome details but in 2013 I had a twin miscarriage. First baby was lost at home. Second baby was removed at A&E while I was awake as it was stuck in my cervix.

I went back in the next day and was scanned, there were still 'bits' left. I was given 3 options, carry on and let nature do its thing, a medical miscarriage (pill, monitored in hospital), or an operation. I went for the op.

As for getting remains back. I asked for the remaining baby to come back to me. This all happened on Boxing day and I FINALLY got my baby back just before Mother's Day. Apparently they have to do genetic testing when it's past a certain amount of weeks ...

Hope this is helpful..
Sorry again for your loss x

So sorry for your loss

@alittlefickle and @Roselilly36 thank you both. Dp and I are not doing well we've been arguing today and not pulling together. @alittlefickle thank you for sharing it is helpful I have a tonne of paperwork I haven't been able to pick up yet but will look at today. I feel like I have stomach cramps today but could be in my mind. Head spinning with the whys and what have I done I know I haven't done anything but I can't help the punishment.

Op I'm so so sorry for your loss. It's devastating and such early days. Don't expect anything of yourself.

I lost a baby at 20 week and I felt I couldn't go on but take each day at a time.

When do you have to go back to hospital?

@pompomseverywhere they are calling me today to arrange they don't have beds available as they have had to give up private side rooms to Covid patients and end of life care so depends on bed availability. The scanners words are constantly going round in my head it feels like a sliding doors moment and somehow I'm trapped the wrong side. I haven't slept much again I have been awake since 1am sobbing. When I saw my midwife she said I had nitrates in my urine and would send it off to lab and contact me if I needed antibiotics and I didn't hear from her so assumed I didn't have a UTI in the end now I'm thinking I should have called as maybe I have a UTI that caused this, maybe I ate something, I did have a teeny tiny glass of wine with lemonade was it the wine. I had my nuchal scan at 12wks 6 days and baby was fine bouncing about fine and healthy. My screening bloods were good my nuchal measurement small. Maybe it's my age I'm 41 and pushing my luck maybe. I don't know how I am going to walk out of the hospital leaving her behind she's so tiny.

DP is going to work today so I'll be on my own all I've wanted is time alone tbf I will have our ds to look after and we do swimming lessons Sunday morning but then I told all the mums last week I was pregnant as I couldn't hide my obvious bump any longer and they asked why we changed lessons and I said because we have another baby on the way and doing them on a Sunday means we can continue with ds as a week day I couldn't. They asked if I knew the sex and I told them not yet we were finding out this week and they are going to ask me.

I want to go somewhere and scream and scream and scream.

I totally understand everything you are saying. Still now it's the sonographer's words that keep coming back to me.

Can someone else take your child swimming today? Or can you miss the lesson. It might be too much to face the other parents and their questions. Or maybe you may find that supportive? Personally I took three weeks out of normal life mainly as I couldn't face people but we all are different.

I can tell you though that it's nothing you ate and not the wine. You are doing what I did. Desperately trying to find a reason to make sense of it all.

Have the hospital discussed a post mortem with you? Have you had chance to look at the paperwork they've given you?

I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks 3.5 weeks ago. I understand how you're feeling. I had the same in that the 12 week scan at 12+6 was absolutely fine but by 16 weeks he'd gone. They advised me to be induced and give birth, the surgical option carries a risk of hysterectomy due to your uterus not being as big as a more term baby, but the baby is too large for them to take out of the cervix like they do in earlier miscarriages.
I was induced and gave birth, it's was very sad and I think I just cried for 2 weeks afterwards. Although I have 2 older children that I've just had to pick myself back up and get on with it for.
Options wise for baby, you can have a post-mortem to see if they can find a reason. They'll take your bloods and another urine sample to see if you have an infection that could have triggered this, and they'll also take cord and placenta samples.
I'm literally 3 weeks ahead of you in this awful cruel nightmare, feel free to get in touch xxx

@pompomseverywhere her words are going to haunt me forever. The room was so full of excitement both our mums excitedly chatting away, ds babbling and dp laughing with him and then dp saying the screens not on you did you know and I'm looking at the sonographer and the look on her face thinking this is taking too long then her reaching out and saying vie you have a room full of people darling but... and then my world going into a tailspin.

I don't know what I want I don't want to go I want to hide away but it doesn't matter if I go or not I have to have the conversation today or in 3 weeks and I just don't think it's ever going to be easy. Was due back to work from mat leave next week, my team had just been told and internal advert out for my new mat cover so everyone will know at work now.

Ive had a look and just cried I need dp to look with me it says about burials, shared graves, cremations and ashes I just can't get my head around it tbh.

My 13 year old has spent the whole of yesterday being sick at her dad's his bringing her home today he said I think she needs to be with you. So I have to try to pull myself together to get through the day.

I just don't know how to cope with this hell. Dp is trying so hard we can do xyz, do you want a holiday/new car/new kitchen not that we can afford any of that but to try to get me to engage in anything I think. I just want my baby and noone can give me that.

I also have to say, the shock is horrendous. I honestly think it took weeks for me to understand that he'd gone and I was no longer pregnant. It's so bizarre, just felt like a surreal nightmare. I would go to sleep and wake myself up crying and then just remember what had happened.
I'm getting there now. But I'm just numb, and now my brain seems to have coped by almost forgetting that I was even pregnant. It's just so sad.
Take your time, get your husband to tell people so you don't have to. I also put my maternity clothes away again when I got home so they weren't a reminder of what's not meant to be.
The hospital will cancel your 20 week scan for you, and they should have a specialist bereavement midwife that you go under for the postnatal checks. I gave birth on the labour ward but in a special room for families that have lost their child, are you able to ask for that room? The advantage is that they have a separate room that your husband can sleep in if you're in overnight and you can stay after the baby's born with them so you don't have to leave them until you're ready.

I will never get over losing my baby and leaving him on the ward, but the midwives were so kind and respectful that it made it slightly easier.

God you poor thing, you have your hands full with two other children to manage.
Also I can't imagine how hard it must've been to have a room full of people whilst receiving the news.

Hiding away is a good idea for now to be honest. Maybe you can message one of the swim mums? Your manager will let work colleagues know in time.

I really stressed about telling people. I dreaded it. But once I'd sent messages out I actually removed the social media apps temporarily to give me space. I told people I was going to take some time so people didn't worry that I'd just disappeared.

Don't think too far down the line. Just deal with the bare basics that you have to each day.

@MrsC2018 i will pm you if OK too but I am so sorry to you too. That's what happened last night I thought I heard ds stirring and I woke up and debated needing a wee then the realisation. It's crazy to think a few days ago the excitement we had. This last week I've developed quite a sizeable bump too which is just cruel. Dp wanted me to seriously think about the surgical option but the midwife said its not the safest way and that terrified me. I will be going to the epu to deliver etc as they cover you until 16 weeks. They just need a side room with bathroom which is what they've given away to Covid patients atm. They haven't called me yet so I'm going to call them.

@pompomseverywhere it was like a bad comedy sketch my mum is hard of hearing and didn't kbow what was going on dp was crying my mil was having to shout the news for my mum to hear the staff were saying are you okay and I'm running around like I'm fine I'm fine.... I went swimming and hid in the changing rooms until the lesson started and avoided talking to anyone. Dp will be going the next few weeks I guess as I won't be able to. I've messaged my boss last night as I had a kit morning Tuesday with meetings that I'm not going to.

Thank you both of you for your kind words support and advice and I am so so sorry for us all that we have all been through this and have this to live with xxx

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Absolutely of course you can, I'll log in later and reply.
Our lives sound similar, I've a 13 year old boy and a 17 month old girl and this was a little boy that I lost. Doesn't make it easier but know you're not alone and you will cope. You have to. Your other kids need you and the pain and loss will fade slowly. I still cry, I cried this morning when I read this morning that you're going through what I did but it was only a few minutes rather than most of the day like it was a couple of weeks ago.
We're booking a summer holiday for the kids to have something to look forward to and my husband ans I are going away over what would have been his due date. I named by boy, and he'll always be ours.
Happy to share with you all the options we chose for our boy post birth if that's helpful xx

You've done everything you need to do for today. Go to bed and rest if you can.

The next things to think about are packing to go into hospital. Just an overnight bag and drinks and snacks.

I gave birth in the epu. They did give me a box of useful tems that a charity had put together but each hospital is different.

Think about taking a special blanket for your daughter. You don't have to see her or hold her if you don't want to. Some people take in a tiny outfit. I didn't but I took a blanket which I held her in which I've kept in her memory box.

Also plan some childcare for the next few days. That's all you need to think about for now I think. If you have any questions just ask.

@pompomseverywhere hospital called this afternoon I go tomorrow for the first lot of medication and then 48hrs after.

Bag yes since the hospital called bene thinking I need some pads etc. My daughter is in secondary school so I drop her at the station and she makes her own way so will do that Tuesday and probably think about my bag then. I like the blanket idea. They said they can give a memory box. I won't take an outfit she will be so tiny.

I want to see her I need to see her face dp doesn't want to that's fine. We've sat and talked about what we want after regarding funeral, burials etc. We're not sure on photos etc but the paperwork says they cna be taken and held on your file in case you want them in the future.

DP has got Wednesday and Thursday off work too.

I'll tell you what we did and why.

My H was the same. He didn't want to see her or hold her but when it came to it he did.

We took photos as I was worried we'd regret it if we didn't. I've only looked at them twice and they safe in the memory box in the attic. I've put them double wrapped with a warning on the envelope so no one looks inadvertently. We ordered them on the free prints app. Then deleted them from the phone and cloud.

The nurse said the baby was too small to take foot or handprints which shocked me to be honest. But the funeral director did it for us. They are blurry and not really a proper print but I have them and I'm glad I do.

We didn't have a funeral because I felt very private about it all. The funeral director was a free service and literally picked her up from hospital after the post mortem and brought her to us. We buried her ourselves in a little field my dad owns and planted a tree there to mark the spot.

I originally chose to have her cremated but (and this was upsetting and shocking) the funeral director said that sometimes with small babies they struggle to retrieve any ashes and I would've hated to not know that and gone ahead which is why I'm saying to you.

The post mortem came back inconclusive which was a terrible disappointment but I'm glad we tried to find the answers.

Everyone is different and you may not do anything that we did but I thought it might help to know.

@pompomseverywhere everuthung you did sounds so lovely. I feel the same with photos I'm going to get them because if I want them in the future then I have them. The paperwork says that about the ashes for 12 weeks and under but I have read it for later too. It's worthy considering. We went to look at the communal burial area last night were just not sure it seemed so bland just a tiny arched of area with no colour or anything but it may be our only choice. I guess we need to think. I'm off to hospital today for consent forms and first lot of medication. They offered me my scan report and I didn't take it and now I want it so will ask for that. We're going to take a walk after without the kids.

How did it go today OP at the hospital?

How are you coping?

@pompomseverywhere hospital was OK ish. They asked if I had any infections I knew off that could have effected the pregnancy etc I mentioned that when I saw my midwife for booking in she mentioned I had a UTI and would likely need antibiotics but she would send to lab and contact me if I did. She never did call me so assumed I didn't have one but could they look. They said they would retest my urine but it would be unlikely if I had an infection to be the same one. They then refused to look and said it wouldn't have caused what has happened anyway. Said to them but we don't know what has caused this do we? They then agreed. They came to me after and said I did have a UTI that required antibiotics but shrugged and said everyone forgot to call me it happens and I do have a UTI now which they gave me antibiotics for. The nurse then said she would send to the lab to compare against the previous results to see if it's better or worse now than before. I wasn't looking for blame or anything tbh I just wanted to know but they were all so shady and quick to be defensive and tell me it wasn't that when as far as I know we don't know what it is. Ill ask more on Wednesday. I just know I'm plagged with UTIs when pregnant and am constantly on antibiotics.

So I've had my first tablet and home have some severe cramping keeping on top of paracetamol etc. They don't know if I'll have a side room on Wednesday so will likely be in a ward which is hideous. But I'm done for today. I'm going to get something tomorrow to leave with her I'm not sure what but I'll know when I see it I'm sure. Also haven't sorted re ashes who can I ask a funeral director if there is enough if any?

Thats so awful that they forgot to ring about the UTI and I hate to hear of their shady reaction.

You can book an appointment with your GP to go over any questions at a later date. I did that and it was helpful although they can never answer everything of course. At the time I thought I'd never get over the not knowing why. But in time it has become easier to come to terms with. I still cry now and again and I'll never get over it and be the same person. But life has gone on and it has become easier and I can function and even laugh and enjoy life and so will you whilst never forgetting your little girl.

I invested a lot of time trying to find out what could be the cause and I bought a really good book. It's quite medical and sciency but I threw myself into it. Of course I still did not get my conclusive answers but I felt better prepared to deal with the health care professionals next time round.

Hi,

I just wanted to say I went though the same thing, I had a missed miscarriage found at our gender scan at 16 weeks so I know exactly the look the sonographer does. I’m the same -I can’t get it out of my head when she turned to me and said there was no heartbeat - I was so wrapped up in getting into a comfortable position on the bed I hadn’t realised there was no movement or heartbeat on the screen 😔.
I hope you are ok op 💐 if you need to talk please pm me. I had medical management in hospital but unfortunately the placenta retained so I ended up having surgery. We opted for burial In the hospitals garden of rest.

The hospital should refer you to a bereavement team who will be in touch with you and I am sure they will help you with getting in touch with a funeral director.

We also asked for a post mortem- still waiting for the results- I can take 16 weeks apparently for the results to come back 😔.
Hope you are ok 💐 - the hospital will almost certainly give you a side room , as a student nurse I looked after patients in our position and they always had a side room - if not I would definitely request one. I was up and down to the bathroom countless times when I had the tablets- medical management

@pompomseverywhere we haven't asked too much about post mortem checks etc they have made it clear we may never know the reason. But I would like to know any impact the uti had on an otherwise healthy pregnancy if there are no obvious reasons still tomorrow.

I still feel numb the tears come and go but my ds has learnt to crawl so keeping me occupied. I feel stupid for looking at double pushchairs, car seats and cars (we needed a bigger car for 2 babies and a teenager!) but then I think back to having ds and think that's all quite normal at 16 weeks to think ahead.

@mupten426132 I am sorry you have also been through this. I'm starting to think second trimester loss is really not that rare. Dp has had a few friends say they have had the same thing with their partners and it's just all so sad. The hospital said they cannot hold a side room for me they try but they are currently fit to burst and most of the unit I have to go to side rooms are taken up with overflow covid, end of life care patients as well as alzheimers patients so they really really do not have a side room. I am hoping this is worse case scenario and when I get there tomorrow all will be okay.

Have a list of things to get today which I will do later, my 13 year old is still super poorly so at least no school run today. I feel bad as she likely wants a cuddle with her mum but I've kept her a bit distant as she has a really bad sickness bug and I just don't want that to deal with right now.

You aren't silly at all. Of course you would've been planning and buying for this new little one. It's absolutely heart breaking. We were in the exact same position. I bought a buggy board on the Saturday and Monday we had the fateful scan.

I honestly can't believe about the side room. I think it's disgusting that you have that layer of worry on top. I really hope you get the room.

How has today been?

@pompomseverywhere well the hospital called late last night and said there would be a bed but not until a bit later so put my time back to 9.30am which is fine we've made arrangements to drop ds off early anyway as we will drop dd off and take him straight to my mums as she lives round the corner so will have an hour or so on our own.

I've hardly slept since Friday, I'm plagued with nightmares and bad dreams. Dp went out yest and came back with a little pink pram blanket and a little pink piglet Teddy and a tiger one for ds because he always bounces and said to ds this is from your sister and this is from you to your sister. Its only a tiny Teddy but its likely bigger than her. I'm scared of the unknown today and worried. My dp is trying to be strong but I know his breaking inside and he isn't really a strong silent type his a heart on the sleeve type so I know he is just trying for me. 2 weeks ago we picked the car seats and dp said to me oh just order them and I said no ill hold off due to money and being on mat leave I'm glad I did. I feel for you too its just awful isn't it.

Thinking of you today.

If you want any questions answered ask anything you want. I'll check back regularly just in case.