16 week loss

[Vie8126]

Can anyone help or give some advice I went for a private gender scan yest with both mums and my dp and unfortunately there was no heartbeat. I had to go to hospital to have it confirmed and waiting to have a call to arrange an induction. Im just devastated I'm frightened and scared. The hospital told us it's a baby girl I just have so many questions like what will happen to her after? My midwife mentioned there is a surgical option but it isn't recommended my dp thinks that's the best way and can't seem to understand that I don't think it is it won't settle my mind. I've not slept all I can do is cry or I have the scanner ladies words going round and round in my head. I'm just at a loss with whys etc.

@pompomseverywhere thank you means a lot xxx I have a room I'm so pleased with my own bathroom too. Waiting for Drs etc to get things going. The waiting is the worse.

I'm so glad you have a room!

You may find that you feel some relief after today. The waiting and wondering is agony.

@pompomseverywhere it wasn't as bad as I imagined it to be. They didn't do the medication until 12.30 had to lay down until 1pm. Had codeine at 1.30 and she was here at 2pm. Had the most amazing nurse who just held me. Everything came away in one go she was born in the sack they had never seen it like that. I rested and I saw her after dp just coukdnt face it. I know from seeing her he wouldn't have coped if he had. I was home at 8pm my BP is quite low and was still getting strong pains so they are checking in today and referring me to the bereavement midwife. Ironically my own midwife called yest to arrange my next appointment. The lovely nurse came round after I saw her and held my hand and cried with me I will never forget her kindness and empathy on the most difficult day. Dp was amazing but we're both trying to hold it together for each other. Jusy feel a bit numb. I was amazed at how tiny and fragile 16 weeks actually is when I saw her but so perfect.

I'm so glad it went as well as it could have and now you are home safe.

You know what to do now: rest and take each hour as it comes. Don't expect much of yourself.

I found I wanted to see only very certain friends and I hid away from lots of others. See how you feel and remember you can change your mind to what you want to do what you can cope with.
There's no rules with these things.

I'm here whenever you need and if you walk away from this thread without a word that's fine to. It's all about whatever you need.

@pompomseverywhere thank you for your words and sharing intimate details of your experience. I'm not sure how I feel I just want to be shut away from the world if I'm honest right now. I will likely pm you. I'm trying to take things easy but it all seems a bit odd right now.

Message when we you want. If it's a PM let me know on this thread as I won't see it otherwise.

Hope you are having a restful day. Try and eat a bit of things you fancy. X

@pompomseverywhere thanks lovely well another day I managed to get through somehow. Saw my mil last night after she went awol when we asked for help with childcare for hospital appointments and she flatly blanked us didn't even message Wednesday morn dp tried to show her the blanket and bear we got from the hospital and she just said stop I can't deal with it I don't want to hear it and I'm just sat there in a daze and now wishing I had screamed at her are you actually OK you can't cope with this how on earth do you think we are coping but didn't just said to dp just put her things away and apologised to mil for upsetting her. Not sure why I cared as I certainly don't today.

Ds and I on our own today I've done the school run, had a shower washed my hair and going to potter round the house. Work are nagging me for a call next week but don't think I can manage it if I'm honest.

Not sleeping, having nightmares, waking up crying. But one day at a time.

Oh my heart breaks for you. I lost my son in March this year at 17 weeks. He had died just days after my 12 week scan but I had no idea. It's still raw, we have his cremation next week actually, and I'm hoping saying goodbye might somewhat ease the pain. Im trying to not obsess about being pregnant again but it's always in the back of my mind. My period has come back today, first one after medical management, it's bought up a lot of feelings. I'm so sorry you're going through it all too. If you need a chat or a handhold

Thinking of you OP. Your husband sounds lovely. X

OP your MIL sounds like a nightmare. I know everyone copes differently but it's not her turn to not cope right now if you see what I mean. Just steer clear of her if you can until you are stronger

I'm amazed you are up and about and showered and doing things. How have you coped all day?

@OopsImDoingItAgain im sorry for your loss. I hope the cremation brings you some peace. It feels like limbo. I completely understand your feelings regarding ttc, we wasn't ttc when found out I was pregnant and I've been adament that I'm done now but the more the days go on I'm not so sure but I know this will haunt me forever. Pregnancy doesn't feel safe at any stage anymore until you actually hold that baby at the end.

@pompomseverywhere it sounds like I did a lot more than I actually did, my dd gets the train so my school run involves driving in pj's to the train station and back home. Pottered about the house with ds and tried to spend some time in the sun as he has been couped up for days now. Dp picked dd up In the afternoon as I was sleeping with ds. I know exactly what yoh mean re mil she's a piece of work generally tbh but I always let it slide as she's dps mum and ds nanny but I just can't this I've had to pre warn dp that I can't hold my tongue on this stuff and he just said OK. I'm hoping that means he will keep her away for a time. Dp is trying to pull me together and keep me going but it's just numbness still. Hospital called me again to check in re pain and blood loss, my antibiotics are the correct ones for my uti they said they couldn't comment on if it's likely the same infection and if it's progressively got worse but that at least I should be feeling better. Said to them well I had been feeling awful thus last month so exhausted, drained, run down and how I put it down to having a rough pregnancy, having a 9 month old, my age and it was clearly having the uti they said there is no evidence it was the uti and given the news I had at my scan that was likely the reason I felt so off rather than the uti. I'm not convinced but they won't tell me the truth either.

I think one of the hardest things to come to terms with is never knowing why. I researched, read medical journals, bought books, had a gp appointment to discuss it, they carried out a post mortem and then we had a consultant appointment to go through the results and it was all for nothing.
It's such early days for you that you will go through so many different emotions each day. It's the process of grief and it does get better and you will be less numb and exhausted and drained by everything.

As for your MIL I would steer clear for a while and also from anyone else you doesn't make you feel comfortable. That's your DP's job right now. He's your barrier between you and the rest of the world. Don't worry about offending anyone. It's all about you now and sod everyone else.

It was weird who I felt comfortable around. My absolute dearest best friend meant well but I was always offended by what she said. She'd be mortified if she knew but I just avoided her for a while to keep myself safe. I had two safe friends who had been through similar circumstances.

I had friends who wouldn't even acknowledge what had happened and I felt so angry at them. Looking back they just didn't know how to handle it but again it was best to avoid them for a while for my own sanity.

It's a year and half since and I'd say I'm pretty normal now. I do still cry now and again and talking to you or anyone else who's gone through it does bring it all back but I don't want to forget as it will always be a huge part of my life.

See how you feel going forward for getting pregnant again. For some it's what keeps them going but you are so right in that you will never feel safe in the pregnancy until that baby is in your arms. It's drilled into us that after 12 weeks it's pretty much plain sailing but it's not for so many of us.

There are Mumsnet threads for people trying to conceive after loss and they were very helpful and supportive of that's the road you do go down.

But for now just get through this day however you can. It's sunny here in Wales so hopefully it is where you are and you can get some vitamin d in you. X

@OopsImDoingItAgain
I'm sorry you've had the same awful experience. Do you have supportive friends and family?

@pompomseverywhere I would rather the hospital didn't suggest it wasn't because of this or was because of that as there isn't an answer and we know we're unlikely to find answers.

Yes I understand what you mean regarding well meaning comments I've had a bit of that and it does make you want to swerve them people. I think I'm avoiding people to avoid the pity and the awkwardness I kinda feel if I leave it long enough relationships will go back to normal I don't want the hugs the 'are you ok' looks because quite frankly I don't think I ever will be. I don't want to have to verbalise the pain, her name etc as its painful I'd rather say oh yeh I'm fine brush it off and move on whilst knowing inside that is further from the truth. I know people feel awkward and they don't know what to say but there is nothing they can say.

With regard to ttc I cant think really I cant make a proper decision and dp isnt asking either way. We're both damaged from this. However I'm 42 next year so don't have time to think but for now we can't make a decision as my body isn't ready anyway and sex well furthest from my mind!!! So for now it's off the table for recovery reasons but we will have to have that conversation sooner rather than later.

I'm glad you have some sun we had a beautiful sunny day yest but rain today. We're all in our pj's and dps out at work so no rush for us to do anything. If the sun comes out I may walk ds to see the ducks I'll have to see if I feel strong enough.

Thank you for sharing your experiences etc I can imagine it's not been easy but please do know I've had comfort from every message xxxx

We are the same age!

I hope you've had a calm and uneventful day. X

I've just found some papers that the counsellors gave me after our lose. I thought they might me useful to anyone on here.

And these

And these

@pompomseverywhere these are really helpful thank you for sharing. Having a quiet few days. Dp and I have been at each others throats a bit as we have different feelings, opinions and focus. We went for a really long walk today to enjoy the nice day and to try to get back on to supporting each other. We're just both very different and deal with things in very different ways. We will be okay. I need to contact the bereavement midwifes as I still haven't heard I chased last week and they just said they had passed me over to them but they are super busy and will call when they can.

Men and women do deal with things differently and I had loads of people telling me that my husband and I should pull together during these tough times but the reality was very different and there was lots of stress and arguing.

Those leaflets talk about our differences so maybe you could look at them with H.

The bereavement notes were given to me by the counsellors that the hospital recommended. They were a local charity. I had to go on a waiting list but tbh that was a good thing as there's no way I was ready straight away as I wear too numb and angry. I wonder what is available near you.

@pompomseverywhere we certainly do. We're not in a good place dp is all look to the future let's be positive funeral boom let's get this done and I just don't have the same mindset. He is wanting me to get help etc and I feel like it's been a week I just need some time I'm fine I just can't Bury it away. Some days are good some days are bad. I spoke finally with bereavement midwife yest and it was a bad day where I spent most of the day crying and upset. I'm getting up getting dressed pottering around the house there's food in the cupboards and everyone is where they should be when they should be I just can't do much more than that at this time. Questions like well when do you think your are going back to work are giving me anxiety and whenever it's raised he is coming out with well your not the only one to have lost a child or I am not going to walk on eggshells with you. Feel like this is going to actually break us or that I'm in some sick grief competition. I have the bereavement midwife coming to see me f2f today as hospital forgot some of the paperwork. We're going to do a private cremation to have her ashes back with us we know there isn't going to be very much but it just feels that that is what's right.

My thoughts are with you at this difficult time. Didn't want to read without saying that x

That sounds really tough, you're both not wrong in dealing with grief.
I would prob act like both of you- 'let's move on' like your DP and then have hard days like you're having.

Hand holding x

How are you doing now? Things will get back on track with your H but I would just say to him something like "we are all going to deal with this differently, neither way is right if wrong but please don't be mean to me and add to my worries".

Have you spoken to work? I hope they aren't pressuring you to go back in.

@pompomseverywhere yes we had the were different people and act differently conversation. We had a little heart to heart he has regrets about not seeing her which I knew he would have but I didn't want to force him as he was so adamant he didn't want to.

Were waiting for the date of the little blessing and funeral. I have good days and bad days. I have counselling being arranged by Cradle and there's a local support group where they have bi monthly meets for drinks and chats and they've offered me a lot of support.