16 week loss

[Vie8126]

Can anyone help or give some advice I went for a private gender scan yest with both mums and my dp and unfortunately there was no heartbeat. I had to go to hospital to have it confirmed and waiting to have a call to arrange an induction. Im just devastated I'm frightened and scared. The hospital told us it's a baby girl I just have so many questions like what will happen to her after? My midwife mentioned there is a surgical option but it isn't recommended my dp thinks that's the best way and can't seem to understand that I don't think it is it won't settle my mind. I've not slept all I can do is cry or I have the scanner ladies words going round and round in my head. I'm just at a loss with whys etc.

Hi Everyone, Sadly I gave birth to our beautiful baby girl, who was born sleeping at 19 weeks 1 day gestation. In the eyes of the law this is classed as a miscarriage!!! I physically gave birth to our baby, as have many other women been through the same situation. This is no miscarriage, i gave birth to our baby.. I went through everything the same as a women who has gone full term would have. I have started a petition and would be really grateful if you would take a minute to read, sign and possibly share this petition please? I believe alot of people will agree that this law is wrong. I'd be really grateful for any kind of support or response this petition gets. Thankyou. Best wishes, Racheal x
petition.parliament.uk/petitions/615852

I now have retained products was offered a mva or wait and see with being heavily pushed to a wait and see. Sent away with antibiotics as having night sweats which could be hormones or could be sign of infection. My boss called me yesterday and ended up sobbing down the phone unable to talk told her I don't think I'd be fit for work this Thursday she agreed and told me to get another certificate from gp and said when I am ready she would like to offer a phased return. Waiting to hear from funeral directors for funeral date. Have my lovely gp calling today. Still having nightmares on and off and sleepless nights. Dp and I are a lot better and just both agree it's a hellish situation to be in.

Signed. X

How did it go with your GP?

It would be great if you could be signed off for a good block of time so you know you space to breathe for a while.

@RachaelGuinan sorry I missed your post I have also signed xx

@pompomseverywhere I was covered by original cert until tomorrow anyway but my gp has done a further 2 weeks from today which over rides that and prescribed some anti anxiety medication as I am tied in knots with dread and a horrible feeling that something bad is going to happen. That covers me until the day after the funeral as got the date through today. She wants to speak to me again in two weeks time.

How have the last few days been? I'd smashed my phone so haven't been online but I have been thinking of you.

That dread you speak of is normal. I had that and to some extent still do but not like those early weeks and months. I am forever changed but also I'm ok now because like everyone says time heals.

You have had something so terrible happen to you that it's rocked your world. You've had your outlook shattered. A horrific thing has happened to you and now you know that you feel less safe I imagine.

You know that statistically bad things are very rare but nonetheless it's still happened to you. Do you feel vulnerable? Because I definitely did but that passes mostly and I promise things will get better. Just drag yourself through one day at a time for now.

@pompomseverywhere thank you for your message. I hope you are OK.

Yeh the dread is horrible it sits in the pit of my stomach on a daily basis. I have older children from a first marriage and tbh I've always worried about them obviously but now the dread omg the dread is awful it plays out in my head and I'm struggling to subdue them thoughts.

On the whole I can put one foot in front of the other get on with my day cook dinner and then from nowhere comes the tears and upset.

I had a hairdressing appointment yest and my hairdresser is pregnant I made myself so ill yest morn but didn't feel I could cancel as she's self employed and I got my dates muddled and thought it was next week so had to muddle through when really I should have explained and cancelled. I spent the whole afternoon in tears.

We have the Chaplin visiting Tuesday night to discuss the service. We still haven't made any moves to sort things out and it's a week tomorrow so need to get a move on and have them difficult conversations with dp.

Mil well she text me in the week first time we had heard from her just saying oh where do the days go hope you are good can I come visit ds. Told her no things are not okay. She just brushed it off and turned up with bil so she didn't have to talk to me she didn't even mention it. Dp wants her to come to the service after saying he wanted it to be just us and that's making me feel sick. I don't want her near me right now. The day after baby's service we have dps bio dad's funeral so it's going to be such a hard week.

Vulnerable yes, as you say I feel like a different person and I won't ever be the same again. I have had my cradles referral for counselling through so need to sort the paperwork for that. I've been through some shit like we all have in life but this just feels so massive I have always been so practical but this just feels like an impossible mountain. I know we will get there and will never ever forget our little girl but my god its by far the toughest thing ever.

Oh my god I'm shuddering at the thought of your MIL being at the service when you don't want her to be there.
Are you taking your children or anyone else? If no, then you've got a good case to put your foot down. DP can see her afterwards or she can pop to the place of the service afterwards maybe but this really is only about you and your husband. Definitely not her!

@pompomseverywhere I have asked my mum to attend so feel like I can't say no dp you can't have your mum but they are such different people and my mum has been there for us loads!! I just know my mil will be selfish and self-centered. My dd (13) is coming and we're taking 10mo ds with us but I haven't asked my older sons to attend as tbh they don't really get it (21 and 17) and will both have work. I didn't really want a tonne of people in attendance as that doesn't feel right.

We want a lovely piece of music or beautiful song and struggling to find something nothing seems right.

We don't have plans for after going to see how we feel its early in the morning. I'm going to have to suck it up for dp tbh.

Yes I see you can't really say no. Just keep your distance if you can. Maybe say to everyone that you just want to go home and have a cuppa afterwards. Then when you are home you could always go out just you as a little family.

When I gave birth I did have a few play list on and it randomly played REO speed wagon: keep on loving you. It's a bit cheesy but some of the lyrics are very fitting.

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I have been through something similar having lost my daughter at 5 months in 2017.

Re the service, whilst I was happy to throw all the money in the world at the service and cremation having made enquiries with various funeral directors, all of whom were not interested, I stumbled across the Co-op who not only agreed to help, but also refused to take any payment because they did not charge for children funerals. Not sure if the policy remains the same, but I found them incredibly helpful. They took us through things step by step and arranged everything. The only thing I needed to arrange was a priest and that was because I wanted one.

Take car of yourself and don't be pressured into putting other people's feelings before your own.

@pompomseverywhere I could say no parents but then I don't feel that's right for my mum so I'll just go with it and block her out tbh and afterwards yeah we're planning to do just that come home and regroup for a bit. If she even comes jusy because she's been asked doesn't mean she will attend I guess also. Oh thanks I'll take a listen I keep flicking YouTube like no, no, no and what we thought we wanted we listened to and were like no. We have one chance and it all just has to be just right does that make sense?

@lovingtheheat im sorry you've been here too. Thank you for your message, we was the same ready to throw money at a funeral but the bereavement midwife takes over all the organisation and just gets the people to contact you and it's all done for free which we were blown away with.

@Vie8126 don't try to make everything too perfect and put pressure on yourself.

Did you find any music?

@pompomseverywhere we found some music, we've seen the Chaplin, we've arranged a very tiny posie of flowers we're there now. I have my stepsisters wedding on Saturday and my mums birthday Sunday so a full weekend ahead to distract from Monday.

The mil well she's down to her normal tricks of ignoring everyone my step mil took over and has also been unable to reach her (she quite commonly ignores everyone and comes out the woodwork when things have blown over and she blocked us both the entire time I was pregnant with ds only showing up after step mil text her to say dps dad had visited) I will be gobsmacked if she even turns up so hopefully that dodges that one.

Step mil bought us a rose that's named after baby so spent yesterday trying to fathom some green fingers as I can't even manage a house plant normally!

Work are calling me tomorrow but I just don't feel like I can manage the anxiety of life and work right now and then also feel like if I don't pull it together soon people will loose their sympathy. I'm term time worker and have until the end of next week as its half term regardless of my cert but I can't think this week about it. Next week is going to be hard going as we have dps dad's funeral at the same place as baby 2 days later.

Did my pregnancy test called hospital told them negative had a look an hour later and was like mmm there is a faint line. Did one this morn and there is def a faint line so will speak with bereavement midwife later when she visits. Funny as never thought I'd be desperate to see a blank test.

Hope you are well xxx

I've read so many times about women here wanting that negative test after losing a baby. It really is a strange feeling and alien.

I don't know what to say about your families. It makes things so much harder. MIL obviously can't cope with things but that's not really your problem. I'd keep a distance from her for the foreseeable future for your own sanity. She really is your H's problem.

@pompomseverywhere my bereavement midwife referred me back to the ward re pregnancy test and they are going to call me. Spoke to her about my intense anxiety I'm having was nice to talk to her without dp as his always been around as wanting to see her too but he was stuck at work this time. I'm keeping a lot of my feelings in with dp as I don't want him having worry about how I am feeling too. She told me it's all normal which made me feel a lot better as was starting to think I'm going crazy. Had put of taking my anti anxiety meds as had been worried about not hearing ds of a nighttime and she said to take it in the morn and it will take the edge off. Was all good yest but at 6pm I could hardly keep my eyes open anymore so have to change the time I take it as I was literally off to bed come 6.30!

Service Monday has come round so quick this last week has flown I feel nervous and worried in equal measures. I am due back to work in a week and just don't think I can cope with the pressure of it right now bereavement midwife is going to write a letter for my employer to go alongside another drs note.

Hope you are OK xxx

Your midwife sounds fantastic and I didn't get referred to a bereavement midwife either so you sound like you have a good health board.

I hope you can get through this weekend quickly and Monday comes around so the waiting is over.

Please don't worry about work. Maybe aim for the last half term or even September. They can get supply teachers and TA's. ( not sure what your job is but schools pay insurance to cover staff absences so please don't feel bad about being off work).

Good luck for tomorrow. I hope it goes as well as it can. X

@Vie8126 good luck tomorrow.hope that things go as well as they can do.

@pompomseverywhere all over in a blur. Dp was in pieces I kinda held it together most surreal day ever. The bereavement midwife had made order of services which was lovely. Mil turned up on the day but I didn't really bother with her said hello said goodbye she wailed throughout the service but I just ignored her. We popped to my mums after for tea and cake just us, ds and my dd and my aunt who came to support. Dp, the children and I popped out and had some lunch and all slept the rest of the afternoon. Never felt so tired tbh. Not sure how to feel now I thought I would feel better however not the case. I feel a bit odd. We collect the ashes this afternoon never realised it was quite that quick. Just not sure how to feel now with it all. Odd odd feeling.

Maybe you are feeling numb and detached whilst you process it all. All you can do is plod through everyday and things will be get better for you.

Your MIL sounds like an utter fool. I would steer clear in the future.

@pompomseverywhere i thought I would pop back and just update and thank you again for all your kind words and support and I hope you are well.

I return to work this week which I am now looking forward to. It still hurts it always will but it is easier just like you all promised me it would be. We had a break away last week which was lovely to relax and enjoy some sun together. I’m midway through counselling which is going well I’m on antidepressants but that’s ok. I’ve made peace with what the future will hold in regards to ttc or not. I haven’t actually had a period yet but we’re just going to see what happens. I’ve made peace with ds maybe being our only which is also fine. There’s been some tough dark days and tbh it has almost broke us but on the whole I feel brighter about things and as a couple we’re tougher than ever. I am changed forever with what has happened but it’s learning to live with it now. No test results back as yet but am going to follow up this week with my bereavement midwife to see if she has any news however, I’ve accepted there may never be an answer. All is ok ish and our daughter will never be forgotten by either of us.

I'm so glad to read your post as you sound as if things are much improved. You'll have waves of good and bad times but overall things get better and easier. I don't know how time does that but it works.

Before you know it you'll be helping others on Mumsnet saying the same things I've said to you.

I hope returning to work went well, and if you need to chat I'm here.

@Vie8126

I been reading through your thread and just wanted to send you a hug.

In 2005 had my angel born sleeping 8 months. It's very hard the whole experience.

You have been through a lot but you are stronger than you think. I wonder how your doing now?

How are you doing at work? Keep going for counseling because I didn't have any. You are doing amazing.

I am in situation now not knowing if baby okay or not. I think I decided that getting a private scan wil be best can wait until 24 August for 12 week scan.

Reading this is making prepare for the worst even though been through it before which really hoping everything okay.

Your little one will never be forgotten. I actually was a mess which my family made better decisions but did hospital burial. Now wish I did our own burial.

I honestly feel scared and don't want to go through it again.

You being so brave will help me in my days ahead. Thank you

@Scorpio8 i am so sorry for your loss and thank you for your kind words. It certainly doesn’t feel very brave! Since returning to work I’ve found it really very hard in all honesty and I’ve made the decision to hand my notice in regroup and look for something else. I am still pursuing counselling and on ADs. There’s good days and bad days as you have unfortunately experienced.

I send you congratulations on your new pregnancy and wish you all the luck in the world for a healthy happy pregnancy and birth. I saw something around PAL which said something like ‘in this moment I am pregnant I am healthy my baby is healthy’ and it seemed like a good mantra to repeat for during PAL. It will ofc be tough and there will be anxieties and worries. I think you are incredibly brave yourself look how far you have come from your own dark days.

Losses never leave us and change us forever we can only but live with it as best we can accept there will be dark days and triggers and manage them in the moment. Sending love.