Missed Miscarriage

[Fayezp1210]

Hi, this is my first post here and not something I expected to talk about but would like to hear from other people who have gone through the same.

We went for our 12 week scan on Monday to be told there was no heartbeat and baby had stopped growing around 9 and a half weeks. Heartbroken is an understatement, especially because we had two earlier scans where the heart was beating and the baby was jumping about.

I had the surgical procedure first thing Tuesday morning but I just can’t get my head around what has happened, every time I close my eye to try and sleep it just keeps playing back in my head. I just don’t understand why, and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this?

My Partner has been amazing and if anything it has brought us closer together.

Everyone including the nurses at the hospital have been saying it’s just one of those things, and you can try again but even the thought of trying again and having this happen again just fills me with terror.

Just looking to hear other people’s experiences and how you have dealt with it.

Thank you x

Hi @Fayezp1210, my heart goes out to you.I had the same experience in the summer and, like you, was completely blindsided by it. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to deal with.

You might find the Miscarriage Association helpful for information and support - I think they have a helpline too.

I was told that it's very rare to have a missed miscarriage (MMC) at 12 weeks, and this only happens to 1-2% of people. Also, after one miscarriage, you are no more likely to have another one - your chances of a healthy pregnancy next time are still 85%.

You don't have to try again until you feel ready, and there will be plenty of support and people on here who understand how you feel at every step on the journey, so don't be afraid to reach out.

Thank you so much for replying, until Monday I’d never even heard of a missed miscarriage, I was so so shocked!
So sorry to hear that you have been through this also.

I just feel so traumatised by the whole situation, I feel like I’m living in a dream well a nightmare really!

It does make me feel a little better that it doesn’t mean it will happen again next time, but I’d be so frightened to try again, I hope it doesn’t put us off forever x

It is a really surreal experience and I also felt like it was a bad dream I couldn't wake up from.

I think the best advice is to take it one day at a time and focus on taking good care of yourself for now. You don't have to make any decisions today. I think you will know when you feel ready.

Hi, I'm so sorry for your loss.

I wish I had something more helpful to say other than time helps. It's so cliché, but it is true. It's such a difficult, horrible thing to go through, so give yourself and your partner time to grieve. I also found talking to people really helped me. It's a topic no one really speaks about, which means that when/if it happens it's a huge shock. I know I was completely unprepared.

I completely get what you mean about trying again, but as sweetpea2000 says, wait until you're ready and don't put too much pressure on yourself, take all the time you need.
I'm so sorry you're going through this x

I had a mmc last month. Had a scan at 6w with heartbeat, a week later baby had died. It's really cruel. I've got two daughters already so very blessed; there seems no rhyme or reason why "these things happen".

Thank you for all your replies! I’m so sorry that it has happened to you also.

Totally agree with it being a huge shock, I’ve never heard of “missed” I’ve always associated a miscarriage with pain and bleeding etc so I just couldn’t quite take it in on Monday.

I think it was just because family members and some of the nurses were like oh you can try again after your first cycle and I was just even more upset at the thought of it! I know everybody is different though and some people will want that! I just hope it gets easier with each day.

We already have a 10 year old and are very blessed to have him x

Hello @Fayezp1210 I’m so sorry to hear your trauma through this horrible experience. I found out this Tuesday at EPU after a little brown spotting that my baby had died at 9+5 - a week earlier. It’s my first time going through this too, and I wasn’t really aware of this horrible ‘missed’ version.

I know what you mean about reliving the experience, I keep playing it back, how the sonographer was silent for a minute - I could see the baby on the monitor and was waiting for her to say all is ok. I was on my own and I couldn’t believe it when she said I’m sorry - I just wasn’t expecting it.
My immediate feeling was how unfair it was and how disappointed at what had felt like forever getting to the 12 week scan only to be told this now. I then had a freak out about it all being still inside me and still having nausea/ exhaustion- it’s such a cruel process. I then couldn’t believe I’m having to wait a week for the op.

As the days have gone on I’ve been trying to be positive and become less freaked out, instead talking to the baby inside me saying goodbye to it, as I know I’m going to feel empty when it’s gone. But it does still feel horrible. I found staying in bed for a day reading these boards and reading the mc association website helped a little, can you do that? I’ve also got a sick note off work for 2 weeks so I can focus on this and not worry about other things.

One thing midwife said to me that I found helped was that from the outset this baby was never going to be, it helped me realise It was nothing I could of helped or avoided.

I agree if and when i get pregnant again the first 24 weeks at least I can imagine are going to be even more tortuous. But I’m prepared to try and fail again than to not try at all - I know I’d survive again if I had to. I’m probably premature saying this as I’ve not even got through this yet and the worst is still to come but that’s how I feel right now.

I’m sorry for your loss, you’ve done the right thing being on here and talking to others - it helps xx

I am so sorry for your loss too @LostFox82 and that you are having to go through this. It’s just awful isn’t it? And the fact that there doesn’t seem to be any specific reason why it has happened is what I am struggling with.

Same here, as soon as my eyes close I am back in that scan room, I knew instantly because she was as quiet as a mouse, then she called for someone else and said to me “there’s no heartbeat I am really sorry” it floored me, literally 3 weeks earlier at another scan our baby was wiggling about and shaking it’s bum and then nothing. That’s what I found most shocking! She told us that baby literally had stopped growing a few days after the last scan which I found so sad.

It is so unfair and cruel isn’t it, like how and why could it happen! Since the beginning of my pregnancy I had no symptoms what so ever, absolutely zilch hence why we had paid for the 2 early scans which put my mind at rest and then this just completely floored me.

I kind of freaked out too, that my baby had been there sleeping for 3 weeks and my body hadn’t done anything to help it leave! I just said to the Doctor after our scan that I wanted the surgery as soon as possible and I was lucky they had us back on Tuesday.

I did spend Monday night talking to my tummy and saying my goodbyes which helped a little but I’m one of these people that need an answer to everything so I am hoping I can get closure as I know there’s really no answer!

I’ve had a little read of the website last night and the threads on here and I do feel a little bit more informed about everything.

My Partner said something similar about trying again and I admire all the Women who keep on going until they get their baby! I guess it’s just the feeling at the moment, and I just hope that next time goes much better!

When are you having your op? I found all Nurses and Doctors so lovely, they really were amazing, especially as my Partner wasn’t able to be with me, it defintely helped the situation.

I hope you are doing okay? And I hope everything goes well with your op. Thank you for speaking to me, I feel so much better that there are people I can talk to about this, no matter how horrible it is xx

I discovered I had a MMC last Thursday, had the surgery on Friday morning. I was 11 weeks but started bleeding. I saw a GP who managed to get me a scan as the EPU wanted me to wait till my 12 week scan which should have been this past Monday. My baby passed away at 8 weeks.

The surgery was fine, the hospital and EPU were great. I've been struggling with the physical and mental side of it all. I've had a headache for a week apparently this is quite normal but it has made the vision problems I'd been having much worse, the anxiety disorder I thought I'd conquered has come back full force. I'm convinced there is something really wrong. It didn't help that my heart rhythm was doing weird things before surgery, the anaesthetist was concerned enough to refer me to a cardiologist.

No one tells you how traumatic the whole thing can be. The stress of losing a much wanted baby, your body not playing ball, the mental gymnastics as to why it happened. You're totally right - it's unfair and cruel.

I'm sorry for your loss. Just wanted to say you are not alone

@Fayezp1210 if I’m honest I’m exactly the same - I’m desperate to know the why - I posted a thread on here the other day asking if I should have been given Anti-D when I told them I was bleeding instead of them telling me it’s probably nothing. I’m Rhesus neg and have had 2 other Rh+ DS - so worried my body attacked this baby. But I’m clutching at straws as that’s probably nothing to do with it.
I also thought it might be my age I’m 38, and it does make me that bit more likely to mc, but again nothing I can do about that but be as healthy as I can be.
I think knowing I’ll never know had made me force myself to not think about it, otherwise we’ll drive ourselves mad.

At least we both know we can carry full term? You say you have a DS?

Op is on Tuesday coming - so 4 days to wait and see if it starts itself, I hope not. I’m not scared of being on my own really - I’m an only child and I’m used to my own company and thoughts it’s reassuring it went smoothly for you. Were you concerned about COVID? They told me they’d do a test before I go into theatre - I’d it’s positive they’ll take me to a COVID ward after or neg a clean ward - but scared of getting a false positive!!
Did you find the pain/ bleeding ok this week?

I’m actually finding it easier and more reassuring talking to people on here than any of my friends, I can tell they don’t know what to say, it seems you have to have been through a mmc to truly understand. I’m having to lie to work though - just told them a gynae op! Don’t want it to effect how they see me! I can’t imagine going back to work - feels so unimportant right now.

I’m here if you want to chat about it all

@Enola41 So sorry for your loss too, it’s just gut wrenching isn’t it? I literally had no symptoms that had anything had gone wrong what so ever. We went into that 12 weeks scan so excited.

My surgery went well too, I had it Tuesday this week and I just feel quite exhausted and sleepy but I’m sure that not sleeping well is adding to that too.

Oh gosh that sounds awful to have to go through too, I hope that everything turns out okay for you? Try not to worry too much about there being something wrong but I know that is easier said than done.

You are not alone too xx

@LostFox82 Oh gosh! Have they said anything about that? Being healthy as we can be is all we can do really isn’t it? I’m 30 in 2 weeks and I’ve not really thought about the age factor thing as I know so many women who are in their 40s who have perfectly healthy babies!

That’s all I kept thinking was I hope to God it doesn’t start by itself, I really don’t think I’d cope very well with having to pass it and see everything, I know some Women like to do that but for me I think I would just be dreadful at dealing with it.

Surprisingly I was not worried about COVID at all, I felt so safe and everything felt so clean. The ward room I was in didn’t have any other patients on it for the day I was there so I think that helped. I arrived there for 8am and they did my covid swab straight away and it came back within 2 hours negative luckily!

When I came round I won’t lie my pain was quite intense, it felt like contractions but they gave me some morphine and that eased it and I’ve just had like mild period pain since then. I bled only a little bit for a few hours after the procedure and I haven’t bled since which surprised me as I had prepared to be bleeding for a while afterwards.

Going to work feels so unimportant to me too, luckily I’m able to work from home at the moment but I too have a sick note for 2 weeks so I think that is going to help me massively.

I agree, My friends are great but they too are a little unsure what to say, they are trying their best to be supportive but I am finding it so much easier and supportive talking to you Ladies on here who are going through the same.

The love I have for my Partner has gotten so much stronger too, he’s literally been my rock and I feel really lucky to have him.

Yes I have a 10 year old Son, it does give me some positivity knowing we can carry full term too xx

@Fayezp1210 I did talk to midwife about it, but she said it wouldn't have been a factor so I’ve dropped that idea.

I’m normally quite stoic and not squeamish but I really don’t think I’m up to letting it happen naturally so I’m not moving about too much or leaving the house as don’t want it to kick things off!
It sounds like you have a very good hospital experience, crazy there was no one else on your ward. I’m in Surrey and by the sound of it the hospital will be very busy - clearly as I couldn’t get in quicker. I’m prepared for some pain so good to know they give you some good drugs!

That’s so positive that your relationship is stronger - that’s a huge thing for getting through this - sounds like you’ve got a good one there.

I hope you continue mending well - give yourself the time to dwell and think about it all - I want to cry and grieve and go through the stages of anger and sadness as it’s healthy in order for us to move on I think and be able to start the next chapter. Clearly this will stay with us forever, and perhaps haunt us a little, but it’s another experience of life I suppose, not a good one, but makes us human.

Take care xx

Sorry OP. I had two MMCs and a natural MC, it sadly is one of those things. The first time was horrendous for me, such a huge shock. But in time you will gradually start feeling better, don't push yourself and be extra kind to yourself.

It's also true you can get pregnant again and things may be different. I am just turning 11 weeks now in my fourth pregnancy and hope this might be my rainbow baby, so far so good. Never lose hope xx

Age is irrelevant and an MMC is entirely and I stress this word a thousand times over, entirely out of your control. Do not even go down that rabbit hole as this is not an answer. One miscarriage or a one-off MMC is a random event and there are so, so many women who have been through it. If you have three in a row and it becomes recurrent then there may be an underlying cause (again not something you've done or your age), but there may not be. I'm perfectly healthy, under 35. Bad things sometimes happen to us and its3a roulette. xx

@PurplePansy05 Sorry to hear about your losses! That must of been really tough for you.

I’m taking it easy and trying to be as kind as possible, I usually beat myself up about things so bad but I know it’s not my fault and there was nothing I could of done!

Wow! That is amazing, I really hope everything goes well for you, that gives me hope xx

I know this will sound trivial but time is a healer and the shock and grief you carry now will become bearable, I promise. It won't be like this for the rest of your life, just don't put any pressure on yourself and don't beat yourself up, there is no reason for it. Take care

@LostFox82 I was expecting the ward to be super busy but it was so quiet. Im glad the experience was a kind one, I was nervous that it wouldn’t be but it really eased being there. As soon as I came round in the theatre recovery I could just feel it and the Nurse just gave it straight away, no questions asked.

Oh he is amazing, he really is. I’m very blessed to have a Partner like him. I don’t know what I’d do without him. He keeps me so calm.

There’s going to be all kinds of stages isn’t there, but I’m sure we will get through them and in time I think the experience will make us stronger!

I hope your surgery goes well, you will have to let me know how you get on if you are feeling up to it.

Lots of love xx

@PurplePansy05 Time is defintely a healer isn’t it. I think when it’s so raw you just think that life is always going to feel this way don’t you?
Thank you for your kind words x

You definitely do and I thought that for months after my first MMC. Then after another two and not having any answers because I'm healthy I told myself to crack on, whatever happens, I can get through it. If something like this doesn't break you (and it won't), not many (if any) things in life ever will. I know you won't feel this now, but it will make you a stronger and better person and don't forget your baby's DNA will forever be a part of you. ❤

@Fayezp1210 thank you, I will let you know I hope I get a good experience like yours.
We’ll have some battle scars, but yes agree it will surely make us stronger xx

@PurplePansy05 Gosh yes, if something like this doesn’t break you then I’m not sure what would! I’ve never felt pain like this before but even by talking to you Ladies on here today, I feel a lot better than I did this morning.

I will never forget our little Baby ❤️

@LostFox82 I hope you do too, I really hope so for you. I am sure that you will, they must see this day in day out.

I hope you take it easy until Tuesday and then after Tuesday too! X

Our stories are v similar @Fayezp1210 - had a 10 week scan and all looked amazing. Baby was waving and doing a full body wriggle. At the 12 week scan, was told baby had died at approx 10+5. . Had surgery under GA 30/11.

Like you, I kept having intrusive memories of the moment that I was told no HB and of having to call my husband to come in and sobbing on the phone (hadn't been allowed at the scan). I'm a mental health professional and well aware this is a trauma symptom. These intrusions have gone for me (still v sad about it obviously and have cried about it in recent days but doesnt just jump into my head and make me cry uncontrollably!). Time will hopefully reduce that. If in a couple of months you are still getting intrusions (intense memories that come uninvited into your head with lots of emotion, not the same as memories you have deliberately thought about) or flashbacks then please contact your GP as this may be PTSD.

@TheDaydreamBelievers Thank you for your reply and I’m sorry to hear that you have been through this too. Your story is so similar to mine, the baby waving on the scan and sleeping on the next scan is going to stay with me forever! I still can’t quite believe it.

I hope that over time it will get better, it’s literally when I close my eyes to try and sleep...that’s when it happens all over again and I feel the pain all over again.

I will just have to take each day as it comes x