Missed Miscarriage

[Fayezp1210]

Hi, this is my first post here and not something I expected to talk about but would like to hear from other people who have gone through the same.

We went for our 12 week scan on Monday to be told there was no heartbeat and baby had stopped growing around 9 and a half weeks. Heartbroken is an understatement, especially because we had two earlier scans where the heart was beating and the baby was jumping about.

I had the surgical procedure first thing Tuesday morning but I just can’t get my head around what has happened, every time I close my eye to try and sleep it just keeps playing back in my head. I just don’t understand why, and I don’t know how I’m going to get through this?

My Partner has been amazing and if anything it has brought us closer together.

Everyone including the nurses at the hospital have been saying it’s just one of those things, and you can try again but even the thought of trying again and having this happen again just fills me with terror.

Just looking to hear other people’s experiences and how you have dealt with it.

Thank you x

I am about 3 weeks in and I still struggle but have found I have more hours when I am doing OK but I'm not back at work yet.

There isn't a magic wand and your dad isn't helping. Just continue with finding the little things that bring a bit of joy nobody just snaps out of grief. Don't underestimate that you are grieving but it slowly becomes less of a crushing weight. That's what I am finding anyway.

@Scottishskifun I’m 5 days on from my procedure but today is by far the most emotional day I think. Maybe it’s my hormones still!

I hope so, I just hate feeling so down! I’m usually such a positive person and my Partner bless him keeps saying “think of positive things” but I’m struggling to think of any!

No my Dad defintely is not helping, I don’t know if he doesn’t know what to say or if he feels awkward but I’ve had to really stress to him how it feels! X

There are many factors hormones is a part but not the only reason. Your also only 5 days since so I would say thats very early on.

I have found doing little manageable lists helps (have shower, get dressed, make a cup of tea etc).

There is also a support thread on here under miscarriage/MMC 2 you will find a lot of support there it's definitely been helping me.

There is no right or wrong and yes it's horrible feeling down but reckonise you have been through the ringer in the past week or so and allow yourself time. A walk is great when you feel up to it BTW but even this took me nearly 2 weeks. Be kind to yourself you don't always need to focus on the positive but maybe aim for 2 or 3 "wins" or list ticks a day to help!

I have found watching Phil and Holly on this morning bizarrely helpful as they are bonkers half the time!

@Fayezp1210 I'll be honest you can hear some real insensitive things at these times of our lives when all we want is for someone to shut their mouths & open their hearts.

It's just that when they're trying to help they're in fact wounding us

@haidri Very true! Then it made me feel worse and like I’m doing something wrong still feeling this way about it.

@Scottishskifun I think I need to be a little kinder with myself, it’s very early and a week today since I heard those dreadful words!

I’m going to have a little read of the support thread I think. I’ve been watching Harry Potter and the Inbetweeners on repeat since Tuesday evening, I’m not really watching it but it’s there in the background.

Going to try a walk this coming weekend too hopefully if I feel up to it.

I hope you are doing okay x

I felt so down today and emotional and really nervous about my op tomo - what If it goes wrong or I dont wake up or I get covid?! Don’t think I’ll sleep tonight 😢

@Fayezp1210 I’m sorry to hear you’re dads being so unsympathetic you really don’t need to hear that. You give it whatever time to need, there is no right or wrong, just let it out.

I was so impatient and moody today, nerves mixed with pregnancy hormones I suppose but it made me snap at my boys trying to do homeschooling with a 3&5 yr old, it’s hard enough as it is let alone with this hanging over me. I’m in real need of some tlc and not having to do chores, play teacher.

I do think right now everything is against us, lockdown, winter let alone a miscarriage, I think we need to all give ourselves a break, it’s going to be shite for a while, I’m wishing I could hibernate until spring when I hope to feel better!
Xxx

@LostFox82 It’s understandable that you feel down and nervous.
They do these procedures every single day that’s what you’ve got to remember, you will wake up Lovely you really will! As for covid, I kept my mask on the whole time before theatre and the whole time after. Our hospital is riddled with it and I’ve been fine, try not to think about it, easier said than done.

My hormones are wild at the moment, I couldn’t get out of bed yesterday, I pretty much cried the whole entire day, but today has been a little easier and I feel a little bit lighter. It’s all just going to take time.

I feel you with homeschooling, it’s really hard isn’t it! Especially without going through this at the same time, it’s just a really shit time in general.

Everything will be fine tomorrow 💕💐

Thank you @Fayezp1210 it’s so nice to hear reassurance - I’ve not told my family those fears and friends have already stopped texting - run out of cliches I suppose!

I’m pleased you felt a little better today. I imagine as with anything theres going to be good and bad days depending on hormones and external factors too. I’m looking forward to a bed day tomorrow at the very least despite the risks and anaesthetic, I might at least get to read some of my book or watch some stuff on my phone?! ....trying to be positive
Xx

@LostFox82 Good Luck for today, I will be thinking of you. You will have to let me know how you are later, if you are feeling up to it of course!

There’s going to be lots of ups and downs and good days and bad days isn’t there, we will just have to take each day as it comes.

I took my kindle with me but to be honest I ended up just closing my eyes and resting once I was there!

Sending you lots of love 💕 💐

@Fayezp1210 thank you, you’re so kind.

I’m in recovery now, all seems to have gone well. No pain at the mo. I’m just so relieved this part is over and trying to make the most of a rest. Feeling very emotional though, just can’t stop crying!

Odd thing to say but im just enjoying some human contact, I have the loveliest nurse with 2 boys same age as mine and we’re just been chatting non stop, it’s made me feel so at ease. I’m definitely going to be sending some thank you cards.

How are you feeling today? Are you getting some more support from family and getting to talk to anyone?
Xx

@LostFox82 Hey! I’m so glad everything went well for you, I have been thinking of you! I felt the same, I kept crying and telling the nurse I felt so sad, they are so lovely aren’t they. I’m glad you have someone nice looking after you.

I feel okay today I just feel absolutely exhausted though! I’ve been resting and taking it easy. Family are supportive but they haven’t really experienced it or loss so they struggle with what to say! I’m greatful for my Partner though, we’ve been talking lots about it and about the future and it’s made me feel better xx

I'm so sorry this happened to you. I also had a MMC, which was picked up at the 12 week scan. The baby was only measuring 6-7 weeks. The hospital booked me in for a follow-up scan the next week in case I'd just got my dates really wrong, but tbh I knew that wasn't possible. It was a first pregnancy.

My body finally recognised the miscarriage the day before the follow-up appointment and I passed it naturally (which was awful. I felt totally unprepared for what it would be like physically and no-one told me anything about what it would be like other than 'like a bad period'. Maybe that's true for some people, but for me it was a MASSIVE understatement.

I dealt with it by taking the next day off work, trying to think positively about the fact that at least I knew I could conceive, thinking that miscarriage is extremely common, and thinking about a few people I knew who had miscarried and gone on to have healthy second pregnancies. I reached out to a few friends who I knew had had miscarriages and they were all very comforting, kind and helpful.

When we got pregnant again I have to be honest and say I was super stressed about the scans, especially the 12 week. My husband and I didn't start to feel excited about the pregnancy until that milestone was passed, and we hid the pregnancy from most people until the 20 week scan had also been passed safely.

I hope this helps. I wish you all the best.

@Synchrony I’m so sorry that you had to experience that too, it’s awful isn’t it? Going into that scan and expecting all to be okay.

I have found speaking on here helps as I don’t really know any friends who have experienced it themselves.

It’s been just over a week now and the days are feeling lighter thankfully.

How lovely to hear you were able to get pregnant again! That gives me positive hope! I would be the same, I wouldn’t be telling anyone for a very long time! X

@Fayezp1210 yes, it is a horrible way to find out.

I actually only knew one friend who had miscarried before I miscarried myself. But statistically of course it's very common, it's just that very few people talk about it. I found that being a bit more open to talking about it led to a surprising number of people saying they'd had miscarriages too.

A year after my MMC, someone I vaguely know (friend of a friend) talked about her own MMC on social media very publicly, and used it to raise money for a charity. I felt particularly sorry for her because she was alone at the scan due to Covid times. I really admired her bravery and her wall was actually flooded with other women (many of whom I also know and who went on to have healthy pregnancies), saying they'd suffered miscarriages too.

@Synchrony That is really great that she has raised more awareness to it! I’ve always heard of a miscarriage but always associated it with bleeding and pain so when they said a missed one it completely threw me!

I’m really hoping it was just a case of bad luck, but hearing and reading the positive stories defintely give me a little more hope.

I really feel for anyone who’s been through this x

Hi everyone, so pleased to see this thread. I had a MC a few days before I was due to have my 12 week scan. @Synchrony I was exactly the same as you, I passed it naturally at home (didn’t have a clue what was happening or that I was MC) I thought a MC would be like a bad period but this was horrific and I feel like I need to warn everyone I know how traumatising it was.

I feel surprisingly OK but just worried it’s going to hit me in a few days time.

I hope you’re all okay, and if anyone does want to talk my inbox is always open xxxx

@restingbface Bless you, it’s utterly devastating isn’t it? I feel for you having to do this naturally.

I’m finding that I’m having up and down days but each day is getting a bit easier, I hope that you have easy days too.

The best support I’m finding is on here xx

@Fayezp1210 how are you?
I’m 3 weeks on from surgery today and have just got my neg pregnancy test thank goodness - so odd to be wanting a negative one.
I’m pretty much feeling myself now physically- although a bit fatter!
We’ve started thinking about trying again but I’m so anxious now. I do think it would be a better time to get pregnant though now spring is coming up and hopefully out of lock down soon. Have you thought anymore about it? Do you think you’ll still wait 6 months?
Hope you’re ok, I’ve been thinking of you x

@LostFox82 Hi! I am as good as can be thank you! How are you? I’ve been thinking of you too.
Glad you had a negative result! I only stopped bleeding a few days ago, I ended up having a scan to check everything had gone as it just would not stop so not sure what was going on.

Feeling much better now though, both physically and mentally thankfully, how are you feeling?

Yes we had a big talk about it, at first I was adamant that I didn’t want to for a while but after I’ve had my first period we are going to give it a go. I’m glad that you are thinking of trying again too, i really hope we will have better luck next time! 💕 x

@Fayezp1210 I’m pleased you’re feeling ok - I too have been feeling better all round, it’s feeling more like a distant nightmare, but I’m not feeling as sad everyday - I’m feeling more optimistic and looking forward to getting out of lockdown and spring coming.

So was the scan clear? Have you had a negative test yet? Sorry it’s dragged on so long.

That’s exciting you will try soon too! I actually read a couple of articles that trying soon after mc reduces risk of mc - I’m clinging to that.
I’ve actually been a bit naughty and had sex after I stopped bleeding last week - I’m now regretting it a bit going against docs orders to wait for first cycle. We will see.
Do keep in touch and let me know how you go. I’ve just joined the other main thread where people are trying
X

@LostFox82 I will defintely keep in touch! It really helped me speaking to you, and especially because we are and have been going through it at the same time! I haven’t really been on here for a while! Do you have Facebook?

Yes the scan was all clear and the test negative so I’m not sure why the bleeding was so prolonged! It would stop for a day and then start again it drove me insane!

Me too, I’m feeling more positive now, I was such a negative Nancy for a while after but I’m certainly feeling better about it now.

Me too! And I’ve seen so many positive stories about people trying and having a successful pregnancy after MC so hopefully that is going to happen for us both! It is exciting, I’m just wanting my period now 😂 so we can try.

Don’t worry about it! I think they only advise you to wait a cycle mainly for dating purposes x

@Fayezp1210 I’m pleased the scan was clear. My bleeding stopped and started too, which was frustrating.

I am on fb can we private message on here to swap names?! X

@LostFox82 Just sent you one :) x

Hi all,

I am so thankful I have found this thread after my recent experience of a MMC. I had a haemorrhage at 7 week, saw the baby with a heartbeat on the screen during a private scan as EPU wouldn’t see me. We went for our 12 week scan and baby’s heart had stopped beating at 8 weeks + 1. We was absolutely heartbroken and devastated. EPU would then see me to confirm and I opted for a D&C. After trying for so many months and after finding out at 3 weeks and building up this picture of our future together with our baby, emotionally and mentally I couldn’t cope with a natural or medical management.

2 weeks post surgery, I have tracked my hormones with pregnancy testing after receiving no advice from the hospital other than ‘try again when you’ve stopped bleeding and ready’. I had a few faint lines then a negative this week on Tuesday. Too a ovulation test yesterday which said not ovulating. Today, I took a pregnancy test with a faint positive and a clear blue ovulation test which said I’m ovulating. I am SO confused.

OH wants to TTC again as soon as we can. I think it’ll help us massively for our grief and loss and acceptance of what wasn’t meant to be and it’s all we want/wanted. Going from being pregnant to not pregnant, the symptoms disappearing, family and friends going silent from constantly talking about it... I embarrassingly miss it and want it again. We was so happy and to have that taken away from us was simply heartbreaking. I feel responsible, I am angry and have no closure or answers and to be perfectly honest... I want to have a baby. I want it all back. 😣☹️ Seeing my OH face and the heartache he too felt hearing ‘there’s no heartbeat’ I will never ever forget that day. The D&C experience on the other hand, will traumatise me for life and I will never forget it. Life is so cruel, I don’t understand why our little beans are taken. It’s hard hearing ‘it’s not you, there must of been something wrong’ isn’t comforting.

I’m scared to try again but crave and want that feeling again. The happiness, the excitement, the end goal of starting a family 💗🌈✨

Do any of you ladies have any advice on your journeys to date?

Hi, I’m so sorry to hear about your loss, it really is horrible isn’t it? Especially seeing the heartbeat on a scan, gives you a false impression that everything is going to be okay.

With the testing, I know it can take quite a while for those hormones to leave the body! Have you used the same brand of pregnancy test? I know some are more sensitive than others.

I totally understand, mine happened in January, and I just can’t get my head around it and I don’t think I ever will! The majority of these losses never have an answer so the closure part is so frustrating, I like to have an answer or reason for everything.

My advice would be to take this time to grieve a little, it really is such a huge trauma, I thought I was never going to feel any better but I promise you it does get better every day. Have you had a first period yet? We waited to have a first period before trying again and I got my positive result again a few days ago.

Be kind to yourself 🌸💕