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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum. See also legal rights and support after baby loss.

Original poster

20+4 no heartbeat at scan

103 replies

Undertheoldoaktree · 10/08/2018 19:42

Just feeling so lost.
Such a longed for and planned child, conceived literally on the first try.
No problems at first scan, every test came back fine and a completely risk free pregnancy.
I avoided everything I should - not even had any caffeine.

No inkling that anything was wrong, and me and DD(7) went to my scan today excited and she was eager to find out the gender!

No heartbeat.

I go for surgery on Monday.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship but my husband has no children and was so excited, as were we all. I feel so bad for them both.

What the fuck do I do now?

OP posts:
Shmithecat · 10/08/2018 19:44

I've no advice, but couldn't read and run Flowers. I've not experienced it myself but was at a family member's 20 week scan when she found out her baby had HLHS, where she chose to have a TFMR. I'm so sorry. Please be kind to yourself and take all the help, support and counselling your offered x

2ducks2ducklings · 10/08/2018 19:45

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't even begin to fathom the agony you're in.
I don't know what to write as I know there's not a single word which would be adequate, but I am truly, truly sorry.

TheMotherofBears · 10/08/2018 19:46

So sorry for your loss op. Flowers

KTD27 · 10/08/2018 19:46

Oh my love. I’m so so so sorry. I can’t imagine.
I lost a little girl at 18 weeks but a completely different situation as she was an Edwards baby. All I can tell you is that it’s so important to grieve and hold your loved ones close.
I know women who’ve been through this already will be along soon to tell you more of what you need to know but for now let me send you love and tell you that someone Somewhere is thinking of you and your baby and your family. Flowers

GlubGlubGlub · 10/08/2018 19:47

So sorry OP Flowers

Seniorschoolmum · 10/08/2018 19:48

Oh op, i’m So sorry. Words fail me. i can't imagine how you are feeling. CakeFlowers

Original poster
Undertheoldoaktree · 10/08/2018 19:48

Thank you.

My daughter saw the baby during the scan, before the screen was quickly turned. She is very upset.

I can't get the image of the scan out of my mind.

Everything was just going so smoothly, I could have sworn I've been feeling movement all week.

Husband is beside himself, I am just numb.

OP posts:
bobstersmum · 10/08/2018 19:49

I'm so sorry to read this op. My friend went through this late last year, it was the fourth time for her. Life is so so cruel at times. Sending love, I'm so sorry.

3girlmama · 10/08/2018 19:49

Oh I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine what you're going through. All I can do is offer you my love and thoughts. Xxxx

Original poster
Undertheoldoaktree · 10/08/2018 19:50

Thank you everyone.

It's stupid, I just never thought it would happen to me.

OP posts:
3girlmama · 10/08/2018 19:50

And it's nothing you have or haven't done my lovely. Please put that out of your head. Easier said than done I'm sure as it's natural to look for answers and reasons and we look to ourselves firstly but in this case it's nothing you could have done xxx

MagicFajita · 10/08/2018 19:53

I'm sorry for your lossFlowers

We lost our baby in similar circumstances almost exactly 2 years ago , my husband's first child , my daughter was at the anomaly scan where we got the bad news.

Lean on each other , let your loss bring you closer together. Don't try to be strong , just let it all out. Take all of the time you need to find your new normal.

Again , I'm so sorry for your loss.

loveisland · 10/08/2018 19:59

I didn't want to read and run, you will get through this in time Thanks

Rachie1986 · 10/08/2018 20:12

Didn't want to read and run, thinking of you.
It could have been a recent death so you had been feeling movement? Just a thought if it helps (probably doesn't).

Look after yourself and take the time you need. Sending hugs and Flowers

Original poster
Undertheoldoaktree · 10/08/2018 20:24

They didn't say when they thought the death occurred. Though I think it must be psychosomatic as I feel like I can feel movements even now.

I am heartbroken and so anxious about Monday. I can't stop shaking.

I've packed all the baby things into a closet. I can't find the words to tell family and friends, and I can't leave it to my husband as I think he feels worse than I do right now.

Having to call him and tell him was the worst thing I've ever had to do. He was expecting exciting news on the phone and hearing his voice break just ruined me.

I've never once seen him cry, yet now he can't stop.

OP posts:
Shellyanne131 · 10/08/2018 20:26

Op I have no advice but I’m so sorry for your loss I can’t imagine how hard it is - look after yourself xxx

sexnotgender · 10/08/2018 20:26

I’m so sorry, what an awful shock for you Flowers

Original poster
Undertheoldoaktree · 10/08/2018 20:33

Thank you everyone. I just can't talk to anyone in person yet. I'm scared to leave the house as we live in a tiny village and everyone knew I was pregnant (word travels fast round here!). I can't bear the thought of having to answer when people ask how it's going, or worse, the pitying looks.

Part of me feels horrified to be carrying my dead baby for 3 more days. The other part of me doesn't want anyone to take my baby away from me, ever.

I don't want to go back on Monday, around all the pregnant women and new babies.
It sounds horribly judgmental, but I felt sick walking back out past smoking pregnant women. It feels so unfair.

OP posts:
Hogtini · 10/08/2018 20:35

So sorry you're going through this Flowers

MagicFajita · 10/08/2018 20:52

Take it one step at a time op - you've had a huge shock today.

If you feel like you need to feel 'useful' then you can pack for hospital bag for Monday.

Regarding telling people , you're under no obligation to actually speak to them. You can just send out a text of that's all you can face. Allow yourself to process this before you talk about your loss with others.

Please don't worry about telling those around you , put your own feelings first and quietly do the things you need to do.

There's no right or wrong way here , just look after yourself. Remember to eat and drink plenty of water.

greathat · 10/08/2018 20:55

So sorry for your loss xxxx

chickacharlie · 10/08/2018 21:38

I'm so sorry for your loss xxxx

Backhometothenorth · 10/08/2018 21:39

So so sorry OP xxx

pinkorchids · 10/08/2018 21:43

I'm so sorry for your lossThanks

toastedbeagle · 10/08/2018 21:47

I'm so so sorry. How truly awful.

When my friend sadly lost her baby at 17w she told one person and they emailed / texted out the news, so she didn't have to go through the trauma of it repeatedly. Might be an idea if you have someone you can let help you with it.