20+4 no heartbeat at scan

[Undertheoldoaktree]

Just feeling so lost.
Such a longed for and planned child, conceived literally on the first try.
No problems at first scan, every test came back fine and a completely risk free pregnancy.
I avoided everything I should - not even had any caffeine.

No inkling that anything was wrong, and me and DD(7) went to my scan today excited and she was eager to find out the gender!

No heartbeat.

I go for surgery on Monday.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship but my husband has no children and was so excited, as were we all. I feel so bad for them both.

What the fuck do I do now?

I am so sorry for your loss.

I lost my baby at 25 weeks nearly 5 years ago now. It was awful. I was sent home after having a tablet to stop my hormones and was induced a few days later. Have you thought about if you want a little service or funeral?
I can really relate to not wanting to see pregnant women. It’s just not fair is it.
Let yourself grieve. Give yourself time.
It will be ok. You will never forget but time will make things easier I promise.

I'm so sorry for your loss, I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling.

You might continue to feel "movement" as the baby will continue to move with your body if your waters are intact. Sorry if saying that upsets you, it sounds as if nobody explained it to you in the hospital.

I'm so sorry for you and your family's loss. What a horrible experience for you and your daughter at the hospital, I can't imagine your devastation. I agree with pp I would tell family and friends via one text sent to all or tell one family member and ask them to pass on the news so you don't have to repeat it. I wish you all the strength in the world to get through this together as a family xx

I've given up trying to sleep, but I'm exhausted.
I can't eat.

I'm dreading Monday and have been given so little information. But when I try and look it up it's just too upsetting.

I just can't stop thinking about how this time last night I couldn't sleep because I was so excited.

I've been waiting for a callback from 111 since 6pm last night to get a prescription for the panic attacks.
I was told 2 hours wait at 6pm. I've been chasing it up all night, and now they've said 24 hours?
Is it normal to wait this long?
I feel so dreadful.

I’m so sorry - I was in a similar situation many years ago when we found out at the 20wk scan that the baby had anencephaly and she couldn’t survive.

Just a couple of bits of info for next week - your milk will probably come in (which is just cruel) but your GP can prescribe something for that and you may get a visit from the community midwife (but I’m not sure if that’s just for medical rather than surgical procedures).

I agree with nominating someone to contact everyone, especially within your friendship group.

SANDS are great and will be able to offer some advice for your daughter as well as yourself and your DH.

Can you go to urgent care op?
As for your milk coming in. I was given a tablet at the time of induction they will probably offer you the same.

Hope you are ok.

It's all done through 111 now apparently. It doesn't help living in the middle of nowhere - there's not an out of hours within 30 miles that is open past 9pm.

I got a call back from a nice Dr about 5minutes ago though, I can go to a fairly local (20 miles is local for us!!) cottage hospital at 11 and she's left a note on my referral to request they give me a nice large dose of Valium.

Going to see if I can make it to the coffee shop down the road, it's usually pretty empty at this time in the morning on a Saturday and I'm hoping the nice girl who's usually in for this shift is on the counter. She kept sneaking me free decafs when I was pregnant because she knew I was missing my morning flat white! She'll probably twig something's up when I'm back to my usual order - but it's been 6 months since I've had a nice coffee and I think I can just about deal with it if she says anything. I've had a long night and it feels much needed.

Have been reading up on things overnight, and in hindsight I don't think they were very useful at the hospital earlier. Not the best "bedside manner" and I've not been given any real information/told what to expect.

I've contacted John Lewis as we had a nursary registry and now I need that to go away.

Bloody hospital has gone paperless so I've had to do everything through the bounty app, so despite my best efforts to prevent it (I hate getting sent marketing bollocks at the best of times) I've now got to try and stop the tyrade of baby related post and emails.

I don't know what to do about the remains. From reading up, I should be able to request them for burial or cremation nearer to home, as the hospital is pretty far away, and being countryside born and bred I don't like the idea of my baby being buried in the city.
Nothing was mentioned about this at the hospital though, so I don't know whether it will be possible after surgical intervention.

undertheoldoaktree
I hope that you are managing to get to the coffee shop this morning. Its a huge achievement. Don't worry if you can't quite do it today. Take things as slowly as you need.

With regard to the baby, have they discussed delivery with you? I notice that you mentioned surgical management? You will be able to choose what to do with the remains. Many hospitals offer to arrange burial for small babies in a local cemetery. However, you can choose to make your own arrangements.

Sending love and strength

This was me 2 weeks ago but at 16 weeks. Routine appointment found no heartbeat.
Did the hospital give you any leaflets at all?

It's early days but you will get through this.

I’m so sorry for your loss. When my baby died I found the charity SANDS so helpful (their leaflets are online if you want to read, as they will advise about certain things that might be useful for you). I know their name stands for stillbirth and neonatal death but at many of the meetings I go, there are mothers who lost their babies earlier that would be classed as a miscarriage but still need the support and help offered so you won’t be turned away if you seek them out.

Monday will be awful. There is no doubt about that. One thing I was told and I am really glad I did do, is to take loads of photographs and keepsakes (the hospital should provide a kit for hand and feet impressions/prints) such as a lock of hair etc. Even if you never ever look at them again, having them in a memory box so you have the choice is something I would strongly recommend.

Big hug and I am so sorry you are going through this.

Coffee shop was a bit of a disaster. The manager has just had a baby, so there were new baby balloons and a card out for customers to sign. I'm glad I managed to get out regardless.

Got takeout and had a nice coffee in bed. Went to the cottage hospital and have had 30mg of diazepam so I at least feel slightly less panicky. It's barely touched the sides though.

The Dr at the cottage hospital was great and really kind. She's booked me in to go back tomorrow, and I got a 40 minute appointment which is unheard of these days! I think I'd expected similar kindness at the hospital yesterday, but it was just really lacking. I guess it's routine for them in the antenatal clinic, but it was very graphic and blunt, and I was pushed to make decisions quickly. There was no talk about the emotional aspects and no time to think about things.

I'm worried that as nothing was mentioned about the remains that they'll just be treated as clinical waste. It's really, really important to me to have my baby buried nearby.

From my research it seems I can have a free local burial, but I have no idea how to go about it. I'm really terrified that as there's been no mention, that things will be done on Monday and then it'll be too late.

I know the co-op do free funeral arrangements for under 18s, but I doubt whether this will be covered.
I want to bring my baby home but I don't think this will be an option.

Due to the surgical management, I don't think it will be in one piece. I don't know whether footprints/photographs etc would be an option in this scenario. I haven't a clue what's going to happen really. I had a really terrible labour with my daughter, and just couldn't bear to go through it again to not come home with a child, so I went for the only option that involved general anaesthetic without really paying much attention to the description of the procedure on the consent form.

From what I've read, it seems I'll be on the same ward pre and post surgery as women having abortions, both for medical reasons and otherwise. I think I will find it really, really hard to be around women carrying live babies beforehand.

I just feel so lost. This baby was so wanted. I can feel it moving around inside me sometimes and it's making me scared to move.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. You are entitled to change your mind. My partner took ours home after we had spent a few hours with it to say goodbye but I was induced. We then did our own burial the same day. I believe the cut off period is 24 weeks before which you can make your own arrangements.
The hospital staff were lovely. They gave me a tiny knitted blanket and a shoebox to take my baby home in.

I'm so, so sorry. I really don't know what to say hun :( I know whatever it is we say on here is not going to make things better. I can't even imagine the pain you must be going through! Sending big virtual hugs xxx

When you get to the hospital tomorrow, I would say you want to keep your baby for a burial afterwards. Make sure it is very clear and you repeat it when you go into theatre before the GA.

You might have to pay for the cremation (we did and our baby died neonatally at almost term) but on the whole, funeral directors and churches etc are very very kind about helping out and not charging at this awful time.

Can you ring the labour ward and ask your questions so you can be a bit more prepared? If you don’t feel able to do so, could a friend on your behalf? The labour ward will have someone available to answer the phone and your questions at all time - there should also be a bereavement midwife who can give more information.

Is it Braxton hicks that you have?

I lost my baby at 17 weeks - at our hospital (UK) all babies born after 14 weeks are buried or cremated. If the parents don't want to be involved then the hospital arrange it. Our son was buried & we arranged to have his coffin at home the night before his funeral & then take carry it there ourselves, we chose the readings etc. There was no charge. We wanted a post mortem done so had to wait until that had been done, but it was pretty quick. We visited him in the hospital as often as we wanted before the funeral.

I'm very sorry that this has happened to you

So sorry.

I am so very sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter in April at 20 weeks, I'm not sure how it works with surgical management as I delivered my baby and her heart stopped during delivery.

The hospital will offer to arrange a cremation but you can arrange a private one yourself if that is what you would like.
I was given a form to give to my local funeral directors who collected my daughter and arranged everything for free. We held a service and had a vicar say a few words. We also purchased a plot in the children's section at our local cemetery.

@laniakia I think I would like my baby to come home, even if briefly.

I need to discuss everything with my husband, but he's finding things very hard to talk about at the moment. He's been brilliant though, it must be so hard for him feeling like he has to look after me when he is grieving so hard. I think other people forget he has suffered a huge loss too. In some ways, as I have a child already, he's lost even more.
I wish the people I've spoken to at the hospital would have asked him how he felt too really!
It's killing me to see him so upset, yet trying so hard to be the caregiver.

Would I need to contact a funeral director today, before tomorrow? Or afterwards?
I'm just so scared they will dispose of the remains as they've not mentioned anything yet.

I'm so so sorry OP. Nothing I can say will be of any help ar this time or make you feel better. I can only hope you have good support around you at this really terrible and sad time. Sending virtual hugs

Tell them what your wishes are before you have the surgery. Make sure they listen and take note.

You would contact the funeral directors after, I contacted them the day I left hospital. The hospital shouldn't dispose of your babies remains, they should go over your options after you've had your baby.

I’m so sorry for you. A few years ago I had my daughter aged 6 with me at the 16 week checkup. The midwife asked if she wanted to hear the heartbeat but there wasn’t one. She was devastated but did get over it. I hope the 3 of you are ok. It does get easier I promise.

As mine was after 16 weeks I could choose for the baby to be cremated alone or in a coffin with others. I chose to be with others.

We have a bereavement suite for those of us going through it at our hospital. I ended up needing surgical management though and did then end up on the labour ward which was awful. I demanded not to go into the actual bays though and was left in the delivery room afterwards which wasn’t as bad.

Thoughts and prayers for you all tomorrow. Xx

I'm sos prey for your loss. I am pretty sure that you will be treated with the utmost respect and care by all staff looking after you. The midwives and docs will do all they can and listen to your fears. Just put your trust in them. It's really hard for them to deal with too! I and sure you will be well looked after.

Good luck for tomo sweetheart we are all thinking of you

I have to leave soon. I still haven't slept.
Told it may be any time between 7am and 6pm and that I basically have to wait around all day until there's a slot between live deliveries that require the theatre.

I feel dreadful and really scared. I hate any intimate medical treatment, so it's the last thing I want when I'm grieving.

I don't think I've ever been so sad.

I was due on Christmas Day, so I think that's going to sting particularly hard in future.