20+4 no heartbeat at scan

[Undertheoldoaktree]

Just feeling so lost.
Such a longed for and planned child, conceived literally on the first try.
No problems at first scan, every test came back fine and a completely risk free pregnancy.
I avoided everything I should - not even had any caffeine.

No inkling that anything was wrong, and me and DD(7) went to my scan today excited and she was eager to find out the gender!

No heartbeat.

I go for surgery on Monday.

I have a daughter from a previous relationship but my husband has no children and was so excited, as were we all. I feel so bad for them both.

What the fuck do I do now?

How are you doing OP?

I'm definitely feeling worst about the method I chose, and not feeling like the consequences were fully explained. I thought it might close some options, but things like being able to hold my baby afterwards were still being spoken about after the decision for surgical management.

I went for a follow up scan yesterday, and everything seems to be alright on that front.

Hearing newborn babies everywhere again was distressing - this was a problem on Monday too.

I have insisted due to their errors in some areas that they don't wait for a further miscarriage before offering me investigations and tests. So in 6 weeks I'll have a myriad of blood tests etc.

The guilt I feel about it no longer being whole is so strong that a post mortem feels inappropriate. So we won't know the gender, so it won't be named.

I feel doubly bereaved to have no lock of hair, or footprints or photographs. There is obviously nothing that can be done.
They did hand me the "memory box" those things usually come in, but it felt a bit pointless when there was nothing special or personal inside, just some mass produced tat which I'm sure is well meaning, just unhelpful.

It felt horrible leaving the hospital next to a couple carrying their baby home, when all I got was a consolation box.

I've got an appointment with the funeral director this afternoon, but I don't particularly feel like doing anything. I was assured my milk wouldn't come in and I didn't need medication, but the patches on my pajamas this morning say otherwise.

I'm so sorry OP.

I'm so sad for you OP. As well as the horror of losing your baby, I feel like you're not receiving the care you should be, is there no one who can advocate for you??

Have you decided whether to have your baby cremated or buried?

I'm so so sorry for you and your DH

I am so very sorry for your loss, how incredibly unfair and cruel life can be sometimes.

I am certain that you will find a lovely way to memorialise your baby. My friend whose daughter was stillborn at 8 months got a tattoo that represented the nickname they’d given to the baby during her pregnancy. Something like that might be worth considering? Or an engraved bracelet, or planting a tree... there are lots of options and I’m certain something will come to you and that it will be just perfect! Please don’t put yourself under any pressure though, be gentle with yourself, the way ahead will present itself in time.

This might sound nutty to many, but fuck it I’m gonna say it anyway... before I left for the hospital this morning (for my d&c) I remember looking at myself in my bedroom mirror and thinking, I feel so ALONE in my grief, so lonely and lost and like no one understands ... and then this intense mental vision came to me of all the women through the ages who have borne this same burden of loss, across the centuries, across all civilisations and cultures, and I suddenly became aware of this sort of collective resonance of grief, and of the burden of womanhood that connects all of us. I found myself feeling embraced, or ‘held up’ somehow, by all of those women, and I felt all loved and cared for and understood... And, in spite of my fertility problems, which have at times made me feel like I’m less of a woman, I suddenly found myself feeling more feminine than I have ever done. Like, I am part of that tight-knit tribe known as womankind, and I am never alone in that respect.

Whatever you make of that (I know it might sound like guff to some!) I think what I’m feeling now is that in some way, we are all in this together, and we should never feel alone in what we are going through. The connection between us all is strong and unbreakable .., and is reflected in the fact that we are all here on this forum supporting each other :)

I wish you all the very best OP, and all the other ladies going through this incredibly challenging time. You have my true, deeply felt empathy and understanding xxx

@Pegs11 I'm sorry for your loss X

@pegs11 that doesn't sound nutty at all.

If I could offer one piece of advice to others in the situation I find myself in (ie a less than helpful hospital!) it would be to find a funeral director ASAP.
For the first time I feel listened to and truly understood. They have accommodated every whim and want, without batting an eyelid, for no charge whatsoever.

I never thought I would be picking out my child's coffin, and I expected today to be one of the worst days. However, they were incredible.

As were several people at the hospital.

They thought they'd be able to test the placenta/cord but this has not been possible. We did not want an invasive post mortem, and they felt the remains were not in a condition to remove these without the possibility of further damage to the remains.

The hospital rang earlier to say they had looked the the remains and may be able to "salvage" some footprints, but not handprints.
I will ring back and although pretty grim will probably need a frank description of my baby's remains. I very much wanted a physical momentum - more than anything I want to hold my child - but not if it's going to disturb it's peace to retrieve this.

I'm new to mumsnet and have only just seen this post. Firstly I'm so sorry that you and your family are going through this, I know first hand how painful and lonely it is.
Almost a year ago we went for exactly the same scan and were told exactly the same thing. It broke us all, it doesn't happen straight away but a new sense of normality will come in time. At the time I felt like I'd never learn to cope with what had happened and I was certain I'd never feel anything like happiness again. The management was different for us, we did have a post mortem too, but it provided nothing...only to tell us that our baby was physically and genetically perfect. I'd been hoping they'd confirm something, because then it would all make more sense.
I try not to dwell on the lack of answers, my mental health suffered as a result of it all and it would just torture me further.

Because we didn't know prior to burying our baby what gender they were, we chose a gender neutral name. This is something you could consider if you feel it would help you.
Sending you heartfelt wishes

@pheasant1 thank you very much. I'm glad to hear that the pain will minimise with time. At the moment, as the shock wears off, it feels worse each day.

Seeing my usually stoic husband so distressed is hard for me.

The practicalities are overwhelming.
I have funeral plans I'm happy with, it's just bringing them to fruition now, with not much time left to do things.

Part of me doesn't want the funeral to come, as it seems so final.

I'm just so utterly heartbroken.

They did, by the way, manage to get both hand and footprints in the end - although they did so when I was still unsure whether I wanted them to try and "salvage" some. By that point I just wanted my baby to be left in peace.
I feel no bitterness about it though - the practitioner who organised it saw how bereft I was at the lack of them on the day of delivery and did it with the most well-meaning of intentions.

@undertheoldoaktree I too dreaded the funeral, we chose for it to be just us (DH and i) and I don't regret that decision. With time its proven to have helped significantly having had the closure.
I also think having the prints will help in time, I can empathise with wanting your baby left alone, but I also believe these things are done with as much sensitivity as possible. I hope they'll bring you comfort.

I too struggled seeing my husband so bereft and hurt, but certainly for us, those times have spaced out, its no longer constant.
We are both struggling with our emotions as we approach the anniversary. More so than I think we bargained for, but I promise it does ease in time, even though it never goes away.
I'm here if you want to talk or have any questions at all x

@pheasant1 thank you.
We were due Christmas Day, so with almost everyone celebrating new birth on that day, I'm sure it will be very, very hard over the coming years.

I'm so sorry for your loss @undertheoldoaktree.I know it seems impossible now but you will get through the next few days, and then the next few and so it goes. Over time the pain will ease but for now, you need to feel all your emotions and grieve your little baby's loss. The hospital may have a bereavement counselor who can help, I found their support invaluable. Three years ago my dd was diagnosed with a fatal fetal abnormality at 20 weeks. Termination wasn't an easy option as we live in Ireland so I carried her for another 12 weeks knowing she was going to die. The labour and delivery was awful but I got through it. Unfortunately, because she had died more than a week before delivery she was in a poor physical condition making it impossible to show her to her two sisters. I think of her everyday. I feel her presence around me too - little messages from beyond every time I see a full moon, a butterfly or those dandelion wish things blowing around. Our little babies have left footprints on our hearts. Sending love and strength to you.

Funeral is tomorrow and I'm so stressed and anxious about it. It feels like a third final finality that I don't want to happen.
Hearing the baby had died was the first, then the delivery, now the funeral.
I almost feel like I've lost my baby 3 separate times.

I'm feeling very, very low at the moment. All I want is to be pregnant again, but I can't seem to find any information about the likelyhood of this happening again if so.
All the scans and tests when the baby was alive showed it to be perfect, and when it was born it was without visible abnormality.
So I'm really scared there's something wrong with me that means I won't be able to keep a baby alive again.

I'm just so sad about everything, I can barely function at the moment.

@countrychick26 thank you, and I'm so sorry for your loss.

I was absolutely dreading my baby's funeral. I was scared I'd fall apart. It was just me and my partner there, 10 days before Christmas. It was heartbreaking but just how I wanted it to be. I didn't fall apart. Once it was over I felt a mix a mix of things, I remember driving home and not really being sure what to do with ourselves but after that there was a degree of relief that it wasn't looming over us any more.

I too wanted desperately to be pregnant again. We chose not to have a post mortem but there were lots of other tests which we had to wait for the results of. We had an appointment with the consultant the following February and after that were able to try to get pregnant.

Sending you best wishes op X

@undertheoldoaktree my dd due date was also Christmas Day. She was stillborn in September though so I try to focus on that as her birthday and not on the Christmas due date thing. It was really hard and it was surreal to experience Christmas Day without her or the anticipation of going into labour or whatever. But as I say trying to make her actual birthday her big day as such helped me to not focus so much on the day.
I hope the funeral goes ok for you.

Thinking of you @Undertheoldoaktree. How are you today? Must have been so hard for you. I hope it went as well as it could have gone

A very overdue update! So sorry to not keep everyone in the loop sooner, as the support from everyone really did mean the world.
The babies all over the mumsnet site scared me off I think - so its literally the first time I've felt able to log in since my last post.

The funeral was beautiful but (naturally) incredibly sad - even the funeral director was very teary eyed at the graveside. The weather was glorious, and we were able to sit in the garden for an hour, just the 3 of us, in silence. We'd planned some readings but in the end really did realise there were no words.

We even got a bit of a comedy moment graveside as our famously bumbling local vicar went to shake my husbands hand as he was holding the coffin - and continued to hold out said hand in expectation even after it became obvious his hands were rather full (resulting in a rather awkward balancing act - he was fuming at the time but we can laugh looking back!).

The florist who did a lovely arrangement turned out to have grown up in our house and had lots of lovely memories of her childhood here. The flowers were full of berries and touchingly, some unopened baby's breath. They even attracted a bee that hopped on and stayed with us the whole way from the garden to the graveyard - before hopping onto the lavender on my flower crown and coming back home with us! Husband is known to be a vigilant bee-saver and can frequently be seen towards the end of summer trying to revive them with sugar water, so this cheered him up no end.

The weeks after that are a total blur - I had to fight to get the follow up I was told I'd need and spent 3 months being passed between departments with no progress. Christmas, naturally, was horrendous. Embarrassingly I had to sneak out of my daughters Christmas concert to vomit after one too many "baby born on Christmas" songs.

Most excitingly however, I'm now 19 weeks pregnant and as of last week everything is okay. This pregnancy admittedly hasn't been enjoyable at all, and is frankly terrifying - I bled heavily for the entire first trimester, had a huge clot next to my placenta, sky high blood pressure, and was just waiting to miscarry - but it looks like it's stuck this far at least! I'm hoping things will feel much better after my anomaly scan on the 15th if everything's still okay and I've surpassed the point things went wrong before. Until then we've just got everything crossed and I'm trying not to think about the scan itself which I'm dreading (the last one was with the same sonographer in the same room I found out I had miscarried before - not what I would have chosen after months of flashbacks!).

Sorry for the essay - thanks so much for all your support and patience if you've made it this far!

That's lovely news, hope it all goes well for you !!!

@Undertheoldoaktree I'm so happy for you. I had a tmfr in January this year at almost 21 weeks. I already have one DC (4).

Day to day I'm ok now but this week I had a really powerful flashback whilst driving. I was back in the delivery room but I won't go into it in case it's triggering for any one. I had to pull over but it was gone as soon as it came. I've never experienced anything like that before.

My baby should have been due any day so am feeling weird. I'm waiting for the royal baby and dreading it. I'm so dreadfully jealous. Awful and not at all like the normal me.

It is joyous to hear that this pregnancy is going well for you. It gives me hope so thank you for posting. Sending you energy and good vibes for a healthy happy new baby.

@butterflykiss00 thank you so much x

@mellongoose I'm so very sorry for your loss - it's absolutely horrendous isn't it? The jealousy is atrocious, even now - I'm also dreading the royal baby and it's not even coming at a hard time for me. I could never have guessed how hard all these seemingly little things would be, which sounds really stupid when you think of the sheer magnitude of loss and the sheer horror of the realities that accompany it. I really hope things start to feel better for you with time. Are you able to take some time off for your due date? It was probably the hardest day to date and whilst I expected to be upset I wasn't prepared at all for the weight of emotion.

I had a bleed and pain on Friday, so had to go in for monitoring. Thankfully all was okay, but the midwife took a good 10minutes to find a heartbeat with the doppler! I remember being fairly nonplussed hearing DD's heartbeat at the midwife all those years ago (I'm far from sentimental!) but my God, were me and DH in pieces when we finally heard it this time xx

@undertheoldoaktree I've just stumbled on this thread again and it's lovely to read your update. I hope things are progressing well for you, congratulations. Rainbow pregnancies are pretty awful - all the joy is missing and is replaced with fear and dread and anxiety. Sending you best wishes for a healthy pregnancy x

Congratulations and hopefully the rest of your pregnancy will go smoothly and you will be blessed with a beautiful baby 💐

I’m so sorry. I lost my beautiful baby at the 20 week scan. I had no inkling that anything was wrong.

In terms of when you go back to hospital, they were very good to me and brought me to ward via an entrance not used by pregnant women. I was in a private room and my dh and I were given a lot of privacy for the ‘birth’.

Honestly take things step by step. Take care of yourself xx