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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Husband has gone to the gym and I am having a miscarriage - really?

104 replies

Picklesandpies · 04/04/2018 21:59

Just that really. Utterly dumbfounded. We have just got home after tiring day at EPU. I'm miscarrying at 7+4 (PUL) and he has gone to the gym as soon as dds were in bed. I'm not supposed to be on my own due to risk of ectopic but more than that I'd imagined having a cuddle on the sofa and some support emotionally. WTAF.

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Quietlife1979 · 05/04/2018 09:36

How are you today pickle?

Just want to add my dh has behaved like s complete tit sometimes when I’ve really needed support.

When we talk about it now and I’ve literally spelled the situation out for him he has been embarrassed and regretted it. I think sometimes he just shuts off.

Sometimes I actuslly have to tell him what I expect from him rather than just assuming that he would know - even though sometimes it’s glaringly obvious!

I hope today goes not to badly for you and I hope you have a good break with your family

Bogmoppit · 05/04/2018 09:38

I'm so sorry. I was lying on the bed crying and my husband was in another room, muttering he didn't know why I was crying as the baby wasn't real.

Bogmoppit · 05/04/2018 09:38

Posted too soon.

I'm sorry you have no support. My friends were much better.

K0013 · 05/04/2018 09:43

Oh bogmoppit that is truly awful. I hope you are ok?
The support on here is amazing, sending big hugs to you all x

Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 09:55

@Bogmoppit I cannot believe that. Makes my husband seem like a saint. How could he be so cold? I hope things are better for you now.

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Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 10:00

@Quietlife1979 I have a feeling we have a similar breed of husband... He is either very caring or rather oafish (his words) and seems rather detached from reality. He also went off scaling mountains in Scotland (hundreds of miles away) when I was 37 weeks pregnant with our first baby. The other thing I remember is feeling the baby move for the first time and him barely acknowledging me because he was playing an online game with his friends. But other times he is very caring. I know he is sorry. I'm just trying to accept it...!

I feel ok thanks but getting cramps again. How long does this go on for? I've never had one before. Painkillers don't seem to do a huge amount.

Thank you for your message x

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Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 10:03

@NerdyBird your experience sounded rather sad and lonely - how horrid for you.

I'm glad your husband learnt something from it though and hadn't had a repeat performance. It's just unbelievable that these things need explaining to them isn't it.

Thanks for your message x

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timeisnotaline · 05/04/2018 11:36

Personally I think you should have that bottom of the pile discussion. My dh has never clicked onto that kind of thing until I have spelt it out in one syllable words, usually when I am completely totally fed up so it’s not the most balanced of discussions ( fortunately it’s been a while since he has behaved like that)

AsTheMilesTheyDisappear · 05/04/2018 16:16

How's things now OP? Be kind to yourself and look after you with hot drinks, snacks, baths, box sets and blankets etc.

Deal with dh later. You are the important one.

Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 17:12

Hi @AsTheMilesTheyDisappear

I'm ok thank you - stayed in bed this morning. Still getting strong cramps on and off but managing ok on painkillers. My lovely friend took dds out for a walk with her and her dog which was really kind as I've not been Mum of the year today - they have however had a lovely day playing in the sunshine in the garden.

My husband bought me a card to say sorry earlier - I think he has seen the error of his ways. Especially as his work were super supportive and totally understood (take all the time you need etc) He's being more attentive which is nice, even if a little forced at first. Just had a bit of a cry - didn't even know I was going to cry. Just feel sad.

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Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 17:24

@timeisnotaline we did have that conversation earlier on. I said I felt bottom of the pile and he actually concurred that I was at that point. Unfortunately it is sometimes the case that I have to reach crisis point before he sits up and takes note of what is going on. And then, like you say, it's not always the most constructive of conversations. I really do love him but he needs to think a bit more about his priorities. He is a high flyer at work but it can feel as though he measures his success against this rather than on a personal level. I do think this has been instructive for him but it's a shame it had to happen in this way.

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timeisnotaline · 05/04/2018 18:02

Maybe he needs a weekly alarm on his phone- is my wife bottom of the pile? Are my children? Would they agree with my answer?

Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 18:08

Yes, maybe there is the answer. I think if it had something to do with his phone he would at least use it! Maybe I'll develop an app.

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DBoo · 05/04/2018 18:12

So sorry you are going through this. Glad your dp has finally seen the error of his ways.

Similar happened to me last year. Went to screening rescan at 14+2 and discovered baby's heartbeat had stopped a couple of days earlier. Hospital were extremely good due to a history of loss and got me in the next day. Drop refused point blank to take the day off work so I had to rely on my DM to take me for surgery. I felt so worthless and unloved and he genuinely didn't think he had done anything.

He's not always like that thankfully but reading the thread a few people have been through similar. Maybe it is just that they don't know what to do.

Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 18:19

That's equally, if not more so, disgraceful @DBoo. I don't think there is an excuse for it. At all. You must have felt so alone - I'm sure your mother would have supported you well but it took the two of you to make the baby so he should have been there for you. How awful. I'm also glad to hear from others and know it's not just my husband (although it's sad to read.)

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SnookieSnooks · 05/04/2018 19:00

Reminds me of my DP. He called me a ‘wet blanket’ because I didn’t want to go to our local mall with the two DCs when they were 23 months and about 6 or 7 days old. DC2 was not well, either (although on the mend).

He is also incredibly bright (has a PhD), so tends to think he is better than everyone else. I think due to what he considers his superiority, he expects to be the centre of attention and not to have to do menial tasks, ever,!even at home. So even though I have a medical condition that requires me to rest, I cannot get him to do the smallest extra household chore. Luckily my DCs are v good.

Be careful OP about the future.
And so sorry about your miscarriage. Hugs!

SnookieSnooks · 05/04/2018 19:01

I had no idea my DP was like this before we had our DCs.

KnitKitty · 05/04/2018 19:06

Picklesandpies I have nothing to add re: your husband, it's all been said, and sounds like that situation has improved a bit anyway.

I just hope that the upset with the husband-drama hasn't interfered with the upset of the pregnancy loss and you have been able to grieve properly. How are you feeling about it? Are you managing ok?

I am so sorry for your loss.

Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 21:43

Thank you for the lovely message @KnitKitty - I love your name btw.

I feel ok and then suddenly feel really sad and have a mini cry and then get

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Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 21:49

Posted too soon..

And then get on with things again. I feel sad when I see something I did or got when I had a hope that I'd be having another baby in November. Like a silly little painted rock I found with my girls the other day and I was remembering walking with them feeling as though I had the loveliest of secrets growing inside me. But now I know that it never developed so I was imaging a baby forming which was never actually there - it makes me feel a bit stupid and a bit of a fraud. It was just a sac. It's been a long road to get to the point of TTC again - about four years after we wanted to. So to be pregnant was really exciting and felt as though all the trials of the last few years (medical on my side) had been worth it. I just feel sad mainly. I think it's only properly hitting me today - I felt more measured about everything yesterday - but maybe that's the falling hormones. Thank you for asking, it feels better to get it down.

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Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 21:51

I do feel incredibly grateful for my lovely girls though. They are the best medicine I could ask for. Sorry if I seem a bit selfish or greedy when I already have two - I think I'd feel like that about me if I had had a mc with no children already.

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KnitKitty · 05/04/2018 22:02

Picklesandpies please don't feel stupid for not knowing the pregnancy wasn't developing! It's normal to assume things are going to plan until you have any clues to it being otherwise.

I don't have any other children yet, but I don't begrudge anyone else going through miscarriage of having that comfort to hold on to. Yes, I wish I had one or two of my own, but no, I don't think it makes losing a pregnancy any easier; it's a completely different life that you've lost. But I am glad you have your little girls to help ease the pain. It must be hard thinking about them having a sibling they'll never meet though.

I'm sorry it's been a long road for you. I hope once you're recovered and emotionally ready again it won't take long for another one to catch.

K0013 · 06/04/2018 09:30

I second that, I have no children yet but there is no way in hell I think you are selfish or greedy. It is the most awful thing to go through wether you have no children or 50. Please be kind to yourself just now, it’s the most important thing we can do at the minute to help ourselves heal xx

DBoo · 06/04/2018 09:43

Oh pickles Mmc is so so tough. I know a lot of people don't get it but in your head that was your third child and that is what you are mourning the loss of. All those hopes and dreams.

After my first mmc I was absolutely devastated. I cried and cried and couldn't believe it as happened. That was over 3 years ago now. With hindsight I reflect on it differently but I still remember how utterly devastated I was.

It doesn't matter that you have two other children, I mean it is lovely but if you wanted another one you're still in the same position as anyone who wants a child and suffers a loss. Please be kind to yourself.

Picklesandpies · 06/04/2018 13:02

Thank you so much for those lovely replies. It has honestly really helped me to feel a) not as though I'm going mad/being unreasonable to feel like this and b) just not so alone. Despite his recent performance my husband has been much more supportive since but it is very comforting to hear from other women who have been through similar (and worse.)

Can I ask a question if anyone is still here (I don't blame you if you've had enough by now.) We are en route to our holiday by car and when we stopped at the services I felt something strange pass - when I went to the loo there was a piece of tissue about the size of a 50p, a bit bigger but it wasn't like anything else I've seen - it was like a mini placenta. I'm not saying that's what it was but it looked exactly like that - dark red, stretchy but tough and a bumpy, rough texture. I'm assuming that it wasn't the gestational sac but what else could it be? I've never had a mc before so I don't know what to expect. I realised yesterday that no one at the hospital told me what to expect or gave me any literature to read either. Of course I can look online but my children are in the car so I can't do that now. Thank you if you are able to advise and thank you again for all the lovely words.

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