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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Husband has gone to the gym and I am having a miscarriage - really?

104 replies

Picklesandpies · 04/04/2018 21:59

Just that really. Utterly dumbfounded. We have just got home after tiring day at EPU. I'm miscarrying at 7+4 (PUL) and he has gone to the gym as soon as dds were in bed. I'm not supposed to be on my own due to risk of ectopic but more than that I'd imagined having a cuddle on the sofa and some support emotionally. WTAF.

OP posts:

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Picklesandpies · 04/04/2018 22:42

@starryeyed19 I can't get out of the holiday - it's a family one and my dc would be confused/devastated if I/we didn't go. They know nothing of my pregnancy/miscarriage. I have been looking forward to it and it will be a nice distraction.

My husband is also going into work tomorrow (2hr journey by train/tube) so I will be on my own, looking after 2 dc and trying to pack whilst this is going on. He says he has to go in as they are announcing redundancies and he can't do it by phone. So that will be nice. Feel really well taken care of.

OP posts:

Badumdumdum · 04/04/2018 22:42

I also agree with Missbehavin. Can ypu get a friend over? If not tonight then tomorriw?

NorthernLurker · 04/04/2018 22:43

Go on the holiday and leave the prick at home. This is unacceptable behaviour. He needs to understand that.

CuckingFunt1987 · 04/04/2018 22:45

I'm so sorry op but you have allowed him to go instead of saying how u truly felt? Maybe he felt u needed space or was happy for him to have some time to process his own emotions ? It's not just women who experience a loss , men do too ! Xx

missbehavin · 04/04/2018 22:45

he's been upset and has cried a few times

Sorry, I only just saw that. It may be then that he is suffering delayed shock or something. I know men deal with things differently but still...I'm so sorry about the towel, too and just that you're having to go through this alone. Please stay safe.

Mrskeats · 04/04/2018 22:46

How can you look after your other children though if you become ill/light-headed etc?
I am dumbfounded that anyone would treat their wife like this.

Greggers2017 · 04/04/2018 22:47

Sending hugs to you. I forgot to say earlier. It's tough but you'll get through it

Picklesandpies · 04/04/2018 22:48

@missbehavin that's ok - it was quite therapeutic reading your post! I don't want to paint him in a bad light in general as he is a great Dad to our dc and a lovely husband normally (this is out of character) but this is just really hard to swallow.

I don't have a close enough friend to ask to come over (my one friend who knew about the pregnancy very kindly came to look after dc last night when we went to private scan so I can't ask her again - plus her dh is away and she has 3 tinies herself.)

I just don't know what to say to my husband. He honestly looked a bit baffled/annoyed when I said I couldn't believe he had gone to the gym.

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LadyLancelot · 04/04/2018 22:49

If my dh did this to me id never forgive him. Im sorry he's let you down so badly.

TJEckleburg · 04/04/2018 22:52

When people show you who they are- listen

Picklesandpies · 04/04/2018 22:52

@CuckingFunt1987 I did say I couldn't believe he was going tonight but he just rattled off his reasons and went. I couldn't and shouldn't have to turn on the waterworks for him to do the decent thing. Maybe he felt as though he had done enough by asking our dc to get their pyjamas on and he brushed their teeth before he went.

I don't at all feel he should be denied the right to feel grief, just like me. If he had said he needed head space I would have felt gutted still but at least it wouldn't have felt as though nothing was going to stop him going to the gym.

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HappyHedgehog247 · 04/04/2018 22:52

You might need him to stay at home tomorrow. I get it's not an ideal day but sometimes things happen. Xx

Picklesandpies · 04/04/2018 22:55

Thanks @Greggers2017 and @missbehavin X

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Picklesandpies · 04/04/2018 22:58

@HappyHedgehog247 I'm nervous about how I'm going to cope tomorrow. I have extremely bad period pain normally where it goes down my legs and makes my thighs ache. Is this likely to be worse? Kind of hoping I'm able to cope as I'm used to that. I don't know how I can ask him to stay home - I sort of did and he just said he's sorry but he can't announce redundancies over the phone. I know he would stay at home if he could but I'm not sure he understands what this is like.

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HappyHedgehog247 · 04/04/2018 23:01

So what would he do tomorrow I'd say you'd had to stay in hospital. If you physically can't look after the children you can't. What if he had a vomiting bug and couldn't go in? Presumably someone else would announce the redundancies. He's just not getting it.

Picklesandpies · 04/04/2018 23:02

I feel as though I've given him the impression that I'm superwoman because I cried all the way home last night but not since. I've just felt a bit numb and as though I want it to be over. I cried in the night (he was asleep) and I fought tears buying pads in Tesco earlier this evening and in the shower when I ruined the towel but not in front of him. But even if he thinks I'm emotionally ok (I'm not) then surely he wants to be here to check I'm ok physically and our dds will be looked after ok. Urgh... so tired. Think I'm going to go to bed. Thanks for your support.

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GeekyWombat · 04/04/2018 23:04

Couldn’t the redundancies be announced on Friday?

I’m so sorry this is happening to you. This is one of the saddest things I’ve seen on here. Please ask your friend to bring her three round if nothing else. You shouldn’t be on your own.

3luckystars · 04/04/2018 23:04

I am so sorry for your loss.
Cancel the holiday the children will get over it.
Look after yourself, your children need their mother to be ok and you have nobody to look after you.
I’m really sorry. Please ask for help if you need it.

colditz · 04/04/2018 23:06

call your mum and ask if you can stay with her

And I'm sorry, but you're not going to be going on a WALKING holiday on friday, 2 days after a heavy miscarriage. Your children will just have to be disappointed.

I am disgusted at your husband. I'd be sticking a chair up against the bedroom door because he wouldn't be coming near me after that pathetic performance.

FrancisUnderwood · 04/04/2018 23:08

My Ex flew out to Benidorm on a lads holiday a few hours after i'd begun to miscarry. Our relationship never recovered.

missbehavin · 04/04/2018 23:09

Pickles not to add to what you're already going through, but when I read that he is a great Dad to your dc and a lovely husband normally (this is out of character) and he honestly looked a bit baffled/annoyed when you said you couldn't believe he had gone to the gym, I wondered if your husband might suffer from undiagnosed Aspergers Syndrome? Read all the way down to 'social interaction' and see what you think: www.autism.org.uk/about/what-is/asperger.aspx

AS is not a 'get out of jail free' card or excuse for bad behaviour, but it might explain some things x

gluteustothemaximus · 04/04/2018 23:11

So, so sorry for your loss

I am also so sorry about your husband. That is shocking behaviour. And I don’t buy he’s dealing with it in his own way. Forget the emotional side. The practical side of doing housework/childcare and making sure you’re physically ok, should have been his priority.

I wouldn’t ask/beg him to stay either. He shouldn’t need asking/begging.

And as for the down there comment, that’s shit.

He definitely went to the gym?

missbehavin · 04/04/2018 23:11

@FrancisUnderwood, sorry to hear you too were left alone at such a horrible, heartbreaking time

FrancisUnderwood · 04/04/2018 23:13

I've never been so scared and upset,, for many reasons. Thinking of you OP.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 04/04/2018 23:13

As someone with six miscarriages under my belt, I would say the holiday will probably be OK, obv barring complications. But it depends on how you feel too. Would it be an option for your dh and parents to take the dds and you stay at home if you didn't feel up to it?

I don't think there's much I can say about him going to the gym when you made it clear you didn't want him to. I tended to want to be on my own during mine - I think I might have sent him to work while I was having medical management once - but especially if it's the first time you're going through this, it's all rather gruesome and you would like him with you, I can't think of anything to justify him going. I'm sorry - also because as well as dealing with this you are going to have to deal with the fallout of his behaviour.

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