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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

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Find support and share your experiences on our Miscarriage forum.

Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

Husband has gone to the gym and I am having a miscarriage - really?

104 replies

Picklesandpies · 04/04/2018 21:59

Just that really. Utterly dumbfounded. We have just got home after tiring day at EPU. I'm miscarrying at 7+4 (PUL) and he has gone to the gym as soon as dds were in bed. I'm not supposed to be on my own due to risk of ectopic but more than that I'd imagined having a cuddle on the sofa and some support emotionally. WTAF.

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Somerville · 04/04/2018 23:14

OP I'm so sorry you're not being supported and I second/third/fourth the suggestion to phone a relative who could look after you tomorrow.

missbehavin Conflating selfish-arse-behaviour and Aspergers really isn't at all fair.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 04/04/2018 23:14

'him' in 'sent him to work' being my dh, obviously.

AsTheMilesTheyDisappear · 04/04/2018 23:18

I'm so sad for you. You deserve better than this.
I'm so sorry for your miscarriage.
Take excellent care if yourself (because no-one else seems to be)

sheworebluevelet · 04/04/2018 23:20

I've had two exes do similar. One only acknowledged a miscarriage when it was an ectopic and all about the drama of me near,y dying. ( I then miscarried about a year later at 17 weeks....cold as..).

Annoyingly everyone said it was "their way of dealing with it". I didn't get any feeling that they were actually upset though.
My suspicion is that there's no established, "bloke formula" to deal with it, unlike the death of a friend or parent. So they just sort of ignore it.

missbehavin · 04/04/2018 23:30

Somerville I wasn't conflating any such thing. Someone I know has just been diagnosed and his wife is highly relieved because to her it 'explained everything' when she (we all) had believed him to be guilty of 'selfish-arse-behaviour' as you so quaintly put it. Their marriage was in crisis and their counsellor suggested that the husband may have Aspergers. It's taken a while for him to get his diagnosis, but he did get it. The counsellor was right and this couple now have a very valid explanation for major issues in their lives, when neither of them knew the actual cause until the husband was diagnosed. I asked the OP to read and see what she thinks, that's all.

Woodfordhound · 04/04/2018 23:30

Your body may struggle with a walking holiday on Friday. Please be careful. I overdid things following mine and ended up being admitted.

I’m sorry but your husband is a selfish prick. If I was on your shoes, I’d still go away with my parents (minus the walking) and leave him here.

Lastly, he simply must not go in to work tomorrow. His wife is currently enduring a MC ffs. Nobody, literally nobody would expect him to come in to work in fact most people if they knew would be horrified that he’d left his wife to look after his two young children and face a MC on her own. It’s neither safe for you nor your young children. What if you collapse? What happens to them? He is endangering you and them if he insists on leaving you tomorrow. I’m sorry.

Picklesandpies · 04/04/2018 23:32

Well we've just had words and it's safe to say he hasn't got a clue why what he did was wrong. He did the whole 'given the way you have said you feel I can see I shouldn't have gone' - which smells of 'only you feel like that and most others would be ok with it'. He also said 'given that you've been walking around and talking...' - gosh, I'm sorry - I didn't realise there was some sort of threshold for taking this seriously. We were also with our two children so lying on the sofa feeling sorry for myself wasn't really an option given they don't know. Does he really not realise that it will get worse? I've suggested he sleeps in the spare room as he is just making me feel so angry and frustrated. Cramps are starting to ramp up a bit, painkillers taken so hopefully I'll just sleep through it tonight. Holiday wise I can do as much or as little as I want to so not too worried about that. Some time on my own in the cottage might be nice to be honest. Sorry to not reply directly to everyone but thank you for your concern and comments. I'm definitely going to be on my own tomorrow so I'll probably post again then. Thanks all x

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NoMudNoLotus · 04/04/2018 23:40

Bless your heart @Picklesandpies .

Miscarrying can be so traumatic- people just dont realise how much.

The pain, the grief and the passing of embryo are so very distressing.

I remember just sobbing on my own in the bath .

rainbowstardrops · 04/04/2018 23:45

I am so sorry for your loss and so very sorry that your 'D'H is being such an arse.
He can bloody stay in the spare room until your holiday and then again when you get home until he learns some bloody compassion!
Sad and cross on your behalf. Please try to take it easy

kirinm · 04/04/2018 23:46

My DP wasn't quite like this but wasn't at all great after my last miscarriage. He's great at most things but was utterly shit with dealing with me being completely broken. He's got better but it is something I have remembered. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. X

GeekyWombat · 05/04/2018 07:42

Morning Pickles.

Hope you had a decent night's sleep under the circumstances and that you have someone with you for today now. If you don't though, please do post in this thread a bit through the day so we know you're ok. I know it's a bit daft when we're all strangers on the internet, but you and your situation were one of the first things I thought about this morning when I woke up. I hope you're doing ok.

Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 08:19

Morning @GeekyWombat and thank you for your kind message and thoughts.

I didn't have a great night's sleep but I'm sure I don't need to explain why as most people on here will know what it's like but goodness, I didn't realise how painful it would be. It was like having contractions for about two hours. I have no idea if that's standard for an early pregnancy but I was shocked by how intense the pains were. They aren't like that right now so hoping that was the worst of it. I slept in spare room on a towel as he came and got into bed next to me after his shower. I just knew I'd be lying there feeling upset so thought I'd be better on my own.

Dh came in this morning and said he was sorry. He did then ask me to get out of bed so he could 'see how I was' in order to make a decision on going to work. I said no as it's not something you can just have a five minute snapshot on and I didn't feel like being inspected. He has decided to stay at home and move the redundancies so that's good - I just wish I didn't feel it was under sufferance. He has said he is really sorry and he doesn't know what he was thinking. He said he tries to please everyone and then gets into these situations .

I guess things are as good as they can be right now, given that he is here today. I just wish it could have happened without the fall out as it was just not what I needed last night. All your messages were really a huge support - thank you for all the concern and for 'listening' - you are right @GeekyWombat that we are all strangers but I just find this such a massive support and it's nice to just know there are all these lovely people out there.

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Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 08:20

I don't know why that is all bold!

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timeisnotaline · 05/04/2018 08:31

I’m glad he changed his mind. Tell him he was lucky as you would have had no choice but to send him his husband redundancy message by text if he had gone, and you understand from him that isn’t the done thing. Have a frank discussion with him about the weekend- what will you do if you aren’t up for walking? Make him come up with some suggestions not you decide on your own how to manage, to help make it more concrete that he’s gone to the gym while you’re not sure about whether you can go for walks...

Rachie1986 · 05/04/2018 08:37

So sorry for your loss. Thinking of you. Please don't do too much if you don't feel up to it xx

K0013 · 05/04/2018 08:43

Glad he’s come to his senses and is with you today. I had a mc last night too, it’s so awful. Hope you are doing ok and I am so sorry for your loss xx

crimsonlake · 05/04/2018 08:59

They can be so selfish.
Mine more or less ignored the fact I was having a miscarriage, no support at all and never spoke about it. Some years later I discovered he had sent flowers to a colleague, he said it was because she had had a miscarriage, that stung a bit.We are divorced now and I am well rid of the insensitive, emotionless person.

missbehavin · 05/04/2018 09:11

Good morning Pickles. So very glad to hear from you. Sorry you had so much pain last night. Glad to hear your husband apologised and is staying home, though understand your own feeling about that. Hope you will be able to get some good rest today

Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 09:12

@timeisnotaline I wish I had your brain and could have thought of those words last night!

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missbehavin · 05/04/2018 09:13

@K0013 - I am so very sorry to hear that you too lost your baby last night. I hope you'll be okay

Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 09:14

@K0013 so sorry to hear you also had a miscarriage last night. Hope you are being supported. It's ghastly.

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Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 09:17

@crimsonlake your ex husband sounds a delight. I have to say, I had been thinking about the support (in a professional sense) he's been offering a female colleague who is going through a tough personal situation at the moment. It does sting when you Feel bottom of the pile.

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Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 09:28

@missbehavin Thank you - I really appreciated your supportive messages last night. I'm glad the sun is shining today - makes it seem a bit less depressing!

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Picklesandpies · 05/04/2018 09:30

Thank you @Rachie1986 I'm planning to stay in bed as much as I can and hopefully sleep. I'm so tired - ironic as I never felt that early pregnancy tiredness which I how I knew something wasn't quite right.

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NerdyBird · 05/04/2018 09:32

Sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I had one 5 years ago today. Similar stage of pregnancy. I had to deal with most of it on my own. My (now) DH and I weren't living together and it was a weekend and he had his children. It would not have been appropriate for me to be there. He took them out and found time to post on fb but not to call or even text to see how I was. I had to ring him and tell him it was a shit thing to do. He did say sorry and said it was because he didn't know what to say. I said he could have said that! But not just ignore me. Anyway, we did get past it and he's not done anything like that since.

I hope you are not feeling too bad. If you have to go on the hol then your husband should be making sure you actually get to rest and recover during it.

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