TFMR, first date given for surgical termination end of May. Is this normal?

[Happenedagain2017]

Last week we were given bad news at the scan. The hospital have just rang to say that the first date they can give me for a surgical termination is the end of May.

Other options are to go to a private clinic although the wait there is quite long too, or go for medical management, which they may be able to do sooner. I am terrified of the latter option, I know that is pathetic. It just seems so horribly traumatic. And I'm shit with pain, can't lie.

What should I do? I simply can't bear to be pregnant with a growing baby for another month. It's a special kind of torture. Is it normal to have to wait this long?

As previous thread says, this is my second TFMR in six months and I feel utterly broken by it.

Oh Happened, I'm sorry you are feeling so sick, it's just an added level of awfulness.

I'm sure your dh doesn't really feel like that, if he's anything like mine he is probably just finding it hard to see you go through it.

Mine is willing to try again but wants us to have a break for a few months to re-group. I know he's right, but I'm already panicking that we might miss a good egg in the meantime.

I am also a wreck for most of the day but pull it together when my dd is around. The effort of being normal for a few hours a day takes a huge amount of energy. He forced me to go out and see some friends last night and it was good to rejoin the human race briefly. I haven't been able to move from the sofa yet today though as it exhausted my reserves.

I know it's difficult to look ahead when you are still in the middle of it, but could you book a weekend or week away to look forward to? I've just booked something for the end of June and it's given me a small lift.

Thinking of you.

Hi greedy, hope you are doing ok. I am up and working! Not that productively but it's a start. We have got some nice stuff planned. Holiday with friends for example although after my last tfmr one of them (mother of three) asked me whether I actually wanted another child anyway. I was a bit ... gulp!! God. This thread is so outing to anyone who knows me!!

I can be about as long as you need a handhold. I won't pretend to know how your feeling but loss is loss whatever the circumstances surrounding it.

Massive (un MN approved) hugs for anyone who needs one today

Thanks so much unborn.

I was wondering, what do/did any of you say when people asked how you are, or how you're doing? In the early stages and beyond? My family send me texts for example asking this and it makes me irrationally annoyed. Irrational because I know they don't know what to say or do and they want to help. But I just want to say, how on earth do you THINK I feel! I could send them hundreds of words telling them how desperate and distraught I feel, but there doesn't seem much point, so I can only really think of saying .... I'm OK.

I just want them not to ask that question. But I know from experience that after a few weeks they actually will stop asking because life for them has gone back to normal and outwardly I will be too. And that's hard too.

I hate these horrible thoughts I have, I am not especially likeable right now (possibly ever)!

People don't deal with grief very well. I current work in the palliative field and even I mess up sometimes. I think "are you ok" can be quite an automatic thing to say.

I doubt your family and friends mean to be thoughtless. I used to say I'm still here, which I was but I wasn't ok same as you won't be.

You will be "ok" one day, I don't think grief ever truly leaves us but it does become a smaller part of life and you just have a different kind of happiness then the one you had before everything happened.

How are you on a practical level? Is your DH going with you for the procedure?

(Sorry procedure sounds very clinical but I can't think of a better description)

Hello again unborn - thanks SO much for keeping on talking to me. I like that answer - still here. It sums it up pretty well. Sort of not necessarily great, but surviving nevertheless.

I'm OK on a practical level. No, I don't think DH will come with me. From experience it involves quite a bit of waiting around. I'd rather he has a nice day with the kids as I have been quite absent minded with them lately. He will pick me up though of course. I do wish it wasn't in a private clinic. It's not that I have any judgement at all on the other women there, I absolutely do not. But for the last TFMR it was in day surgery and I was surrounded by people having knee ops and stuff like that and no idea why, but that felt easier.

Dreading Saturday the most. A whole day at home all together should be nice, but I can't think of anything I want to do knowing what's coming on Sunday. But ... nearly there. xxxx

I was on a ward after an overdose when I lost the baby with women who had, had late terminations. Like you I wasn't judging and I don't know if there was a medical reason or not but with my son being a 24 weeker who didn't make it, I won't pretend it was easy.

(I am massively pro choice, as early as possible and as late as necessary but I wasn't in the right headspace to consider that at the time)

Unborn that sounds awful. I am so sorry.

I'm having a terrible day today. I think this week/ten days of waiting has slightly broken me. It's felt like a kind of torture and I feel like I've reached my limit. My DH has taken the kids out and I just can't seem to get out of bed. Everything seems hopeless. I guess I just have to find a way. Sorry for sounding so utterly pathetic.

Don't apologise, you are definitely not being pathetic, you are having a really shit time of it and it's totally ok to fall apart.

The waiting is the absolute worst thing about pregnancy loss. I had almost three weeks of limbo in December, and two weeks this time (which is on top of the usual stress of early pregnancy). It is utterly torturous, but please be kind to yourself. Would you think a friend was being pathetic if she was in your situation? No.

I will be thinking of you tomorrow, I hope it all goes smoothly. x

Oh god greedy, that's worse. How awful. I feel a bit whiny about this but I don't think it does anything to help women manage this to make us wait. I think it really adds to the existing trauma. Hope you are having a lovely weekend.

Your not pathetic like Greedy said you wouldn't judge a friend for feeling similar. It sounds traumatic and quite frankly bloody awful

Happened I hope everything goes as "well" as it can do tomorrow (hope that makes sense) will be thinking of you

Thank you so much both of you. Xx

Sending virtual and hope your back home and being looked after.

Hi Unborn, thank you so much. I'm home. Such a relief that the awful limbo period is over and we can start to rebuild. And I can hopefully be a proper mum to my DC again. The people at the clinic were so kind, gave me my own space. Thank you so much to you and everyone who has held my hand through this. Xx

Was thinking of you earlier, glad that you are home and that you had your own space. The waiting was by far the worst for me, hopefully you can start to come to terms with things in your own time now x

hope everything went well happened and you are feeling ok today.

I'm pleased it's over for you lovely

Hi all thank you! Pretty rocky today. Lots of being cheerful for the kids and then ... really being not so cheerful. At all. Guess that's normal though. Hope the rest of you had a good Monday!

It must be really challenging putting a front on, I hope you get some time to yourself to just have a good sob and get it out. You've had a really awful time so that's entirely expected - be kind to yourself and give yourself time to feel better. can anyone take the kids for a day/over night so you can have some time to yourself? Obviously ignore that if you like the distraction, I really like/crave my own company at times like that though. X

Hey, still thinking of you happened.

Don't be too tough on yourself. I found the first 4/5 days post surgery the toughest re: dealing with dd and actually functioning. Lots of shouting and tears (hers and mine) and then feeling guilty.

Things are gradually getting better though, this weekend was a turning point. Just hung out with our families and dd. I am appreciating her a lot right now, we've cracked potty training in the last week, and she is learning new things every day. If nothing else, this shitty situation has made me more determined than ever to enjoy her right now, and keep on keeping on.

Last week was pretty much a right off though, I sat on the sofa and watched three seasons of OITNB and eating crap carbs. It culminated with one of my nct group having her second baby on Friday. That kind of brought home the fact that I have failed to grow two babies in the time it's take her to produce another perfect dd.

But, I'm happy to report that yesterday (day 11) I managed to put the radio on and sing along (I can't listen to music at all when I'm very low), I kept busy and did lots of niggly little jobs that needed doing around the house. Only one cry, prompted by a Pregnacare ad on the back of a bus I was behind. (Picture of a child kissing her mother's perfect bump - so tapped into my fear about dd being an only child rather acutely).

So small steps, but I'm quite amazed at how much better I'm feeling. Only downside is that I've started bleeding again, which is worrying me slightly as on previous occasions it's stopped pretty quickly and af has returned bang on schedule. It's a shit reminder too.

Anyway, sorry, that was a bit 'me, me, me' but I just wanted to check in.

Oh GOD, greedy, be as me me me as you want!! And anyway it's not me me me, I want to hear how you are. Great news about potty training - I'm afraid I think I mainly left that to nursery to deal with.

I know what you mean about music - I can't listen to it either although usually we have music on all the time. It sounds like you are doing really well though.

Today I am sitting at my desk at home making a pretence at doing some work. It's building up and in my job unfortunately if I don't do it, nobody else will. So it's better to try and get something done. But I have very leaky eye syndrome.

The thing that is torturing me most is what the hell to do next. I know in my rational head this is really time to stop. To enjoy what I have got - which is a lot. But I am finding it very hard to let go. It just seems such an utterly rubbish way to end it all. But on the other hand, the thought of conceiving is now associated in my head with only death and devastation.

Re: the bleeding, that's rubbish. Last time(!) it took about three/four months for me to get what was a recognisable cycle back. I had some very odd and random bleeding during that time. I am expecting it to take even longer this time partly because my HCG levels were very high (hence the sickness I guess).

Take care everybody xx

I think I should probably be trying to get some work done too, but my boss is being very understanding and I'm taking advantage of it.

Re potty training, it was about 50:50 between us and the childminder, so a bit of a cheat! I'd been dreading it, but she just suddenly got it on Saturday. She was more than ready though and I had been putting it off because I was so tired.

I know what you mean about it being a rubbish way to stop. I think we will have one more try, but I am already dreading the endless anxiety, and the terrified silences in the scan room. I think that physically I can bear to try, but not entirely sure I can cope emotionally with another loss. It's so shit to be robbed of any joyful anticipation. I know that if we did succeed I would be trying to remain as detached as possibly right up until delivery, and that is such a sad thought. Have you considered counselling? I am in two minds about it at the moment. x

Yes, take advantage! I would be if I could!

Yes, it's the thought of going into that scan room. Well, amongst other things! As with last time, I knew the moment I saw the baby - the NT was way out, and it was clear from that moment it was all over. The poor scanner knew about my previous pregnancy and looked pretty devastated herself.

I am suffering from massive regret that I just didn't do this when I was younger. I knew I wanted another baby but life and money and life again got in the way. I am going to see a counsellor. It's expensive but I reckon I do need to talk and talk my way through this.

And as I say, although family want to help, I find it difficult to talk to them because the feelings are so bloody messy and confused.

I will let you know how it goes?

Yes, please do.

I also regret not doing this whilst younger, it truly sucks.