TFMR, first date given for surgical termination end of May. Is this normal?

[Happenedagain2017]

Last week we were given bad news at the scan. The hospital have just rang to say that the first date they can give me for a surgical termination is the end of May.

Other options are to go to a private clinic although the wait there is quite long too, or go for medical management, which they may be able to do sooner. I am terrified of the latter option, I know that is pathetic. It just seems so horribly traumatic. And I'm shit with pain, can't lie.

What should I do? I simply can't bear to be pregnant with a growing baby for another month. It's a special kind of torture. Is it normal to have to wait this long?

As previous thread says, this is my second TFMR in six months and I feel utterly broken by it.

definitely the best decision.

didnt want to say earlier but i would never have medical management ever again. it failed for me and what happened afterwards was awful. the op is by far the easiest.

Thanks ginger. How awful for you. As if you haven't been through enough. I've been reading up about it online and it does indeed sound fairly horrific. It's just another couple of days I guess.

yes and it will soon be here! this time next week you will be healing. will keep you in my thoughts.

oh it was a few year ago now i think ive finally got over it but i would never do it again especially without supervision.

Glad you have an appointment. Hope it goes as well as it can.

So glad you've got a date sorted for surgical, nearly there. I think if I'd been earlier in my pregnancy I'd have done the same.

Ginger, I'm so sorry to hear of your awful experience .

I just wanted to add, for anyone else who might read the thread in similar circumstances (I know I have researched and read everything, both times I've had a high risk result), that medical management can be straightforward, mine was. Fact is, it's a heartbreaking situation, whichever route you opt for, and often with later tfmr, only medical management is offered by the NHS.

Happened I will be thinking of you.

Good point Whyme - and thanks. Wish they could get me in earlier but guess Sunday better than end of may.

I am having a really bad day today. Can't seem to get out of bed! This week and after that just seem to stretch on endlessly. Feel so bad that I'm allowing this to overshadow time/life with my beautiful DC. My poor DH is so distressed by my sadness. Want to tell him I'm ok but I'm also tormented by the "morning" sickness which seems to have ramped up a notch since the scan. So difficult to feel strong when I feel so sick!

All this is normal. I guess. Sorry for whinge, feeling sorry for myself!

I was scared of medical management but didn't want the surgical option either after a missed miscarriage.

I wanted 4 weeks for it to happen naturally and it didn't happen. So I went for medical management.

It wasn't as bad as I thought, I was prepared with a TENS machine, loads of pain meds (even liquid morphine from a previous pain event). The suppository pain relief must have helped me as I just had some period like pains so took some paracetamol and got in the bath which helped. It started an hour later and lasted for 2h sitting on the loo with gaps in front of the tv with always maxi night pads and then it was all over. The advice to have a bin and lots of wet wipes was good. I didn't even need the codeine they supplied.

What I'm trying to say is it might not be a terrible as you think. For me being at home and the bath then my own bed helped. Everyone is different. Just wanted to mention a less scary result.

Also have you called the other hospitals in the area to see if they can fit you in earlier. I called ones up to an hour away.

Happened I think I was on a previous thread
of yours.

I'm so sorry could you possibly get an appointment (even a phone one) with a GP and some sickness tablets? You shouldn't be having to suffer even more then you already will be no doubt.

Hi cold and unborn. Cold, I am def going for surgical, but thanks.

Unborn - yes I could try doctor I suppose.

I want to say thanks again to everybody responding to this thread. It is so hard to find comfort in this situation but the kindness and compassion of everybody who takes the time to respond is amazing.

Hi happenedagain2017,

I just wanted to offer some reassurance about the medical management if that is what you end up going for.. I just went through miscarriage and opted for medical management, as someone previously said you do get a private room and lots of support from staff and pain relief (although I likened my pain to a bad period) I found it almost helpful to my healing process too (sorry if tmi) but to see what had passed. You really shouldn't have to wait if surgical is the route you want to go down though, I think that's disgusting! what is their reason for the wait?

..Just read your post you mustve been typing as I was haha!

Thanks Lennon. Weirdly just listening to women's hour right now and they are talking about medical management.

Re the wait ... I can't really get my head round it. It seems so cruel to make women in this position wait a day longer than necessary but I get that the NHS is under pressure and my needs are no greater than others. Certainly that was what the midwife said when I expressed dismay at a three week wait!

Bless you, I can't imagine what your going through especially so soon after last time. Here for a handhold if you need it.

I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks at home and found the pain unbearable and quite traumatic so I think surgical is the best option to spare you any additional distress.

Thanks unborn. That sounds horrific, poor you.

I think the hardest thing maybe is knowing this is the end of the road - I just can't contemplate experiencing this again. And at my age it feels almost inevitable. But awful to end it on this note and readjust my dreams. But ... I do remember I am so fortunate to have my DC.

I gave it a third try. I had an 18 and 24 week loss prior, I'm younger so I was able to wait a year but I can see at 44 that might not be possible.

Have you considered some counselling? Maybe speaking to someone not directly involved will give you a sounding board and a bit extra support. Taking can help not practically but mentally sometimes I think.

Unborn, that is just horrendous. No def can't wait a year. To try again would seem like some kind of madness I think. But in some ways that all consuming desire for a baby sort of is. Yes - I will try counselling. A lot of the feelings aren't 'nice'. I can talk to family but it's hard to express that because I find they try to talk you out of it rather than letting you just say how angry and bitter you feel. I know they mean well.

I'm so, so sorry you're in this position, but with waiting lists I'm not sure what they can do. I'm glad they've managed to get you in earlier than originally stated though.
Just in case others are reading as I did when I had my tfmr, medical management was absolutely fine for my tfmr, straightforward, quick and no overnight stay. I also got to hold and bury my girl, but I was 16 weeks at the time so not an option afforded to everyone.

I have all my fingers crossed for your success in future TTC OP, and hope this time passes quickly and smoothly for you

Ryan, I am so sorry about your loss too. Thank you.

My god. Back in the scanning dept and they are making me sit in the waiting room with loads of pregnant ladies. Worried I'm scaring them with my leaky eyes!

In with pregnant women? That's just cruel, I was the same, cried messy and noisily and did get put into a side room. Why the hell that small piece of compassion isn't offered, I've no idea.

Like you, I have two living children and had tfmr with my third and looking likely tfmr for my fourth, too. I went to an ARC meeting last year and their bereavement counsellor said when you have to go through tfmr with what you fear may be your "last" baby you find yourself mourning not only the baby but the end of your child rearing years. It is another horrible facet to the pain and grief. But, there were several mums on the ARC forum welcoming healthy babies in mid 40s. It is possible.

I also understand the feeling of guilt, that it overshadows life with your DC. My emotional head says I've missed over a year of their beautiful , joyful lives as they reach the end of being little. Rationally, we have done so much more together we wouldn't have done if all had turned out how I wished it would and I appreciate them all the more. I'm sure it's the same with you, your love for your dc is obvious in what you write.

Take it a step at a time. This time in limbo is difficult. A tight hand hold offered here.

I've had two late tfmr and both times was fitted on very quickly- I can't understand why they would want you to delay it any longer than necessary. Both mine were arranged directly through Marie stopes and happened within three days. Call their helpline and explain that you can travel and they might find somewhere for you. You won't have to pay as your local pct will have an agreement with them to cover cost. I'd also suggest you call ARC- they have been an absolute lifeline to me and will definitely be able to advise. I'm so sorry you're going through this xxx

Sorry- I skim read. I think surgical is def preferable to medical management. Best wishes.

Hi again. Whyme it is so shit that you are going through this. And tolly so sorry for what you have been through. I have an appointment with bpas for Sunday. Called them today to ask to be put on cancellation list and nothing. Begged hospital to be put on their cancellation list and nothing. It is this awful limbo. Yesterday I did some work but today I'm mainly lying around and weeping. I'm not especially proud of that but I've said to myself I'll do one day like this then try to wo/man-up a bit. Being sad is exhausting!!

The geneticist was kind. Really helped to clarify some stats for me. seems like statistically the risks are even higher than I thought because of the way it's worked out (risks at term) and I seem to be weirdly good at getting and crucially staying pregnant even with very sick babies. So 1/6 roughly. So still odds in favour of a healthy baby but I can't quite believe that now. I feel like the odds for me are 100%. Stupid biology.

Thanks for keeping on reading and responding to my slightly mad ravings! It means so much. And whyme best best wishes for scan.

was it your results today happened?

dont feel bad about being sad, angry and the rest. You're allowed. I am the only person i know to have had a pataus pregnancy or pffd pregnancy. These things arent common. No1 can possibly know how you feel and the injustice of it all having them back to back. Even worse knowing that you're good at being pregnant altho that is a little ray of light at the end of a shitty tunnel i suppose.

im 8 weeks on from my op now and im still really angry and think why me and wonder why the hell no1 seems to want to talk about it.

its a long road. but we walk it and we become better people for it i like to think.

Yes just got confirmation today from CVS. also discovered the sex. A little girl. Heartbroken all over again. 😥