Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread 15 - tests, treatment and trying again

[Justonemoretime]

Information, support, hand holding, tea, sympathy and a hell of a lot of combined knowledge - all welcome as we try to make sense of the RMC roller coaster of tests, NHS admin, heart ache and (hopefully) happy endings!
Please start with a recap of your stats :)

counting I love it. Thank you for sharing it with us. For me it takes a while to even get it out and look at it. The first few weeks has been about simply getting through time. Which has mostly meant mainlining boxsets!

I think going through miscarriage tests any relationship. I know we have been through some real ups and downs this year. My OH seems to find it easier than me to hold onto hope, which makes sense, I think, as he hasn't been through the actual physicality of the whole thing. I am glad, in a way, that he can though, because one of us needs to! And I do occasionally wonder what it might be like for him to be the one who, for example, has to call an ambulance because I'm passed out or has to wait for me to come out of general anaesthetic. A different kind of strain.

Oh counting. That's beautiful. Really poignant and so true. That's exactly how my emotions feel, a big knot of conflicting feelings, loads or which don't seem to make any sense. And sometimes I can try and unravel the knot and sometimes I just am not strong enough to try. Thank you for sharing that, that will stay with me for a long time.

Big hugs brummie. I've found it tough with DP too. I completely understand what you mean about feeling like he's expecting you to just buck up and get on with it. I've stopped telling DP when I'm upset about seeing pregnant lady at work, or whatever baby bomb is troubling me that day. He just doesn't get it. And I've started to think he thinks I'm just looking for an excuse to get upset and bring it all up again. I can get angry a lot and I take it out on him. My only advice is too try not to expect too much of yourself, of him, or each other. Keep talking. It gets better.

Thanks, Flen.(you are right, string theory kicks in after the box set phase).
PS your experiences sound dramatic and scary for you both. Big strain

Thanks, Monten.
Poor DH sometimes I can see he's doing his darndest to find the right moment to tell me when he learns someone we know is pregnant.

It's so difficult. After mc1 I felt like I'd let DH down, and he went quiet and just tried to look after me, and I got depressed and didn't want to be a burden on him. It took a lot of talking but we were stronger afterwards. After mc2 we dealt with it together, and although I was upset that he went back to work in the afternoon after the bad scan in the morning (he checked first that I was ok and didn't mind, he just needed to keep busy - I was falling apart and didn't understand how he was able to just walk back into work, able to function), he did then cancel the stag do he was supposed to be on that weekend and stayed home to be with me when he realised I wasn't actually coping as well as I was pretending to.

It's difficult because although they want the baby as well, it's not their body it's happening to. They are not obsessively aware of everything they do and whether it could affect ttc/maintaining a pg. They don't count days in cycles. (It's not the 11th Jan today it's cd28 or 11dpo). They don't obsess over every possible symptom. They don't have the physical pain of the mc and it's not their hormones going haywire. They don't have to inject themselves at a set time every day and shove progesterone pessaries up the desired hole. It's hardly surprising they don't really have a clue how it feels to have the grief PLUS all the associated physical crap that comes with ttc and mc.
The number of times I've wished I was a man during this process!

Having said that, I think I'd rather go through it myself than watch the person I loved have to go through it. That's what DH finds hard.

Counting that was beautiful. And all those feelings, are exactly what I'm feeling at the moment.

And thank you everyone for sharing your stories. It's comforting to know that everyone else has struggled with their DP. I'm just barely functioning at moment and DP is really getting on with his life - because he simply has to in order to carry us.

I'm sorry for also hijacking thread a bit but I'm so grateful for all the support. I guess it's because I'm in the thick of the grief at the moment.

I need to get through the worst and get to my appt and focus on trying again and in the meantime plan nice things for me and DP to enjoy as a couple again

Brummie you haven't hijacked anything! We all have times when we need more support, and at the moment it's you and Bootles. We want to help, that's why we're here

My DH and I seem to ebb and flow through all our MC troubles. I can echo the distance after a MC, and not seeming upset about the loss. He always is concerned for my wellbeing, but not grief stricken. With this one, he's been happy we're having another child (if it was up to him we'd have a family of 15!), but doesn't get my anxiety, thinking everything is alright now we're past 12 weeks!

The string theory is lovely, and the textural differences really resonate with me, starting off as really itchy dry wiry string and gradually becoming wool. Not mohair or alpaca, but something a bit more austere.

I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time brummie. It's so f£&king hard and I know there's not much any of us can say to make that better. But just know we're all thinking of you, sending caring thoughts, here to listen, and holding the hope that it will all be ok for you while you can't hold it yourself (if that last point makes any sense).

Some really beautiful thoughts and ways of thinking about things in today's posts. Very thought provoking. Thanks for sharing them.

My DH has tended to take miscarriages slightly worse than me in the immediate aftermath where I tend to go a bit avoidant and copey. But then he recovers quicker whereas I think mine tends to turn in to a more slow burn depression thing. I suppose that's why grieving is so important.

I'm in a strange positive place at the moment. I figure I worry and get anxious usually and it doesn't help. I also figure that I usually don't get excited so as not to get my hopes up but that does not make miscarrying any easier. So, I'm assuming it's all going to work out until someone informs me otherwise. Therefore I am getting excited. Why should the naive people have all the fun?! I even bought a soft toy today (at 4+4-ludicrous!) and have pottered around on the baby name threads. And I haven't poas in days because 'today I am pregnant!' [how long this will last I don't know]. I wonder if it's a side effect of the progesterone as I'm usually a complete pessimist. DH is not on board with this at all and is firmly in the 'not getting our hopes up camp'. Fair play to him though - I get it. Makes for awkward discussions over dinner.

AndCounting, I really like your string theory. It really sums it up. Thank you for sharing.

My Dh has been pretty good, I think he found pg #1 very stressful and actually felt relieved it didn't happen (awful as that sounds) bit I was in and out of hospital and he was quite scared to be in brand new territory. With #2 he felt more upset afterwards because he'd bought the 'bad luck' line hook line and sinker and thought a baby would really happen 2nd time. I actually found it easier, emotionally because we did get some testing because of a possible family history (which turned out to be nothing, but did get the ball rolling). I was ill for months, due to lots of repeat erpcs and basically my hormones shutting off (I bled from May to September) and I needed hrt to kick start my whole system. Dh found that very hard and said it was worse than even when his dad died heartbreaking. Mc #3 was a shock but we had a plan and were determined to get answers. Dh was in the middle of looking for a new job and we decided he should keep interviews (he rescheduled one, but met me at hospital after others). We needed to keep going and not let mc hold us back in other ways, too.
This pg he was very stoic until the 12 wk scan and I was getting worried he wasn't bothered, but he was just trying to protect himself. He's getting excited now. Oddly, I think I relaxed before he did thus time!

I think that's really good twilight. I plan to allow myself a little excitement next time as it was utterly miserable last time when I just tried to be pessimistic so it didn't come as such a shock if it happened. It actually just made for a horrible 8 weeks that dragged beyond belief and didn't make it any easier when it did happen.

So I'm with you on the allowing excitement thing. I think for me, it can only make me feel better in those first few difficult weeks. And if it makes you feel better too then keep it up

Thank you for sharing the string theory counting. I am rubbish at putting my emotions into words. You've nailed it. Completely understand the feelings you describe. My ball of string's right there. Not ready to handle it right now to untangle it because I would fall apart, but I know I will ... At some point... Sooner than later hopefully.

Twilight I totally agree. Trying to shut out the excitement doesn't help and thinking positively might be the way forward, and is at least more fun. Charlie and belle took that approach this time too and so far all is well. I like the baby name threads too though it turns out I hate most names. Dd is Anna, which I still love, but is hardly the most imaginative choice. I think we might end up along the same lines for this one.

Lovely posts today, though emotionally raw. Hugs to everyone.

Is anyone else able to join tiny and me for a quick lunch on Thursday?

I can't do this week but maybe we can arrange to meet in half term (from Mon 15th Feb)?
16 week appointment tomorrow. feeling generally positive and loving my maternity jeans (I might make them a life long wardrobe staple - how comfy!!??), but the old nerves are never far away. What if something's not normal??

Yes, London near the strand. Just pret as we are all skint..

Lurker, just don't call her Elsa then if it's a girl ;-)

Just, yes Feb as well will be good
I'm working till mid march

Sounds good Just. Dd's nursery will be shut so not totally sure when I will be working but I guess I can always bring her with me if she is not in holiday club.

Know exactly what you mean. Am generally much more positive and can feel baby moving (though not as often as I would like) so know he/she is there but it's my 20 week scan on Tues and I keep imagining all sorts of conversations beginning with silence and then "unfortunately...". It is an anomaly scan after all. But all was fine with dd. It can be again, right?

I might try for half term, it would be lovely to see people IRL, although I will be the size of a house!

Ha Tiny. Dd would kill me if someone else got to be Elsa!

Hello flower. I am sorry for your loss, and what you're going through right now. Dragging it out like that sounds very painful. Is there no hope?

The nhs only normally offer tests after three mcs in a row, which sounds very cruel but reflects the fact your chances remain good. Private testing is an option and some on this thread have persuaded their gp to refer them after two if there have been other issues eggs difficulties conceiving.

Charlie on this thread was offered private testing on the embryo after her second mc and it cost £200. I am afraid it can be a question of if you don't ask you don't get so don't be afraid to be a bit pushy.

tiny/lurker I can... my 12w scan is at 3.40 that afternoon so you can help me talk myself off the ledge. Which pret? The big one near St Martin in the Fields?

flower hi, sorry you're finding yourself here. If you do go down the ERPC route (if it in fact doesn't look like you're going to MC naturally) you can pay for them to run tests on the baby after they retrieve it. I had my ERPC done at UCLH in London and it cost me about GBP250 for the analysis. It came back with a chromosome problem so to me was worth every penny. You need to push for it a bit, and fill out a separate form. The lab then sent me an invoice separately, although they wouldn't give me the result, my GP had to ring them up.

Might have been GBP200... lurker probably remembers better! I didn't even know it was an option, I think my GP told me then I asked my booking in nurse and followed up with the consultant who did the actual surgery. As I said, it was worth it to me (although I can see it would have been upsetting if it had come back with no answer).

It's actually helped me a lot this pregnancy (12w today) as the hospital are taking me really seriously as I have a "real" history of problems (as opposed to the "just bad luck" thing).

Thanks bootles trying my best to be relaxed but I think I'm definitely going to have to wait for a couple more weeks. It feels right for me too.

counting the reassurance scans are nhs so back at my regular epau. Your string theory is so beautiful and perfectly sums up how everything feels and how it can change from one day to the next.

I also felt like a failure to my dh and I know this sounds awful but the more upset he was the worse I felt, it felt like him being upset was my fault and some days I wished he wasn't sad.

flower I'm so sorry you find yourself here

Beautiful words Counting. I'm blown away by how many of you are creative and able to express your feelings.

Sorry to hear your news Flower. As the others have said, two MCs normally doesn't mean any investigations however do push if you're not happy with this or feel that there are other factors that should be taken into consideration. I did after two MCs this based on family history of MC and an suspected chemical MC. Had to go through my GP to get the referral.