Recurrent Miscarriage Support Thread 15 - tests, treatment and trying again

[Justonemoretime]

Information, support, hand holding, tea, sympathy and a hell of a lot of combined knowledge - all welcome as we try to make sense of the RMC roller coaster of tests, NHS admin, heart ache and (hopefully) happy endings!
Please start with a recap of your stats :)

Just been to John Lewis - to get out of house more than anything.

Cried like a knob in the middle of the store. Babies and crying babies everywhere. Couldn't help it. Broke down.

DP said they were going to be everywhere and I had to get used to it. He wasn't being mean, he's right. Made me cry more

Hate this. Will it ever get better?

Brummie it will. You are right in the thick of grief now. It will ga bit easier as time passes and then you will get your bfp and can move on to fretting about knicker watch and movements!

The worry never ends really. I just got an email from dd's nursery saying a little girl is in hospital with suspected meningitis and giving us the signs to look out for. I am not really worried about dd as she hasn't seen that little girl since before Christmas but feel awful for her parents and have been cuddling dd extra tight. (Helps that she has stopped whining since we went out for pizza!)

Bless you Brummie, it does get better. Remember tiny steps and your baby/ bump radar will be in full operation at the moment so you will be spotting 100% of people.

Brummie it will get easier, it is no time at all. I still blub when I look at baby clothes, so we are a bit more susceptible I think, after our experiences.

Everyone is different. After a termination that I really didn't want, my best friend used to invite me round to cuddle her baby girl who was about 9 months old. It was so therapeutic to have a blub and a cuddle with her. Now she's a strapping 19 year old!

We all need time to grieve and let go occasionally, and we all do it in our own ways. You will find yours. Big hugs. x

Hugs brummie. Don't be too hard on yourself, it's still very early days. Things will get better soon. Your hormones are still all over the place at the moment and that will settle soon, which will help a bit. X

I think it's something about john Lewis, I remember following my last ERPC I went there and completely lost it. Didn't even really see any babies. You will be on completely baby watch - do you remember the tally we used to have. Can't remember who won it! Sending you massive hugs Brummy, it's the shittest time at the moment :(

I cried for nearly the whole length of the M4 once after mc2. I was driving. Not my most sensible moment. ((Hugs)) to you, Brummie.

And I still can't listen to Frank Turner who sings about left wing hipster type problems which I felt at the time were insultingly insignificant in comparison to the grief of mc. Unfortunately, grief takes hold of you and you can't go around it, only through it.

Brummie - big hugs. Is definitely a John Lewis thing. I went there after mc#2 to buy some new sports stuff to try and get fit. Unfortunately to get to the sports department, you have to walk through the nursery bit with all the prams etc and happy pregnant couples with huge bumps test driving them. Had complete melt down. Haven't ventured there yet this time . x

Thanks all. Yep John Lewis is defo a trigger and John Lewis Solihull is rife with yummy mummies...

Ah Boozle I remember the bump tally. The competiveness helped distract from how sad it all was.

I think I'm right in the middle of a hormone crash at moment also feel so unwell (not mc related) which is not helping.

All combined together is making me feel like I will never turn a corner.

The Christmas adverts show us that John Lewis don't give a f*ck about emotional collateral damage...

brummie lots of hugs being sent your way. You will turn a corner, you really will. just is right, you have to go through it, and slowly slowly it will start to get a little easier. So sorry you are going through this. I'm exhausted and tearful too, and that's without the chest infection I think you said you have. Try to look after yourself xx

ourday Its still early for symptoms, it really is. With my last, I had a scan at 5 and a bit weeks to confirm I could start clexane - too early for HB or anything as I had O'd late too, I chose to wait 2 weeks before having another scan for exactly the reason you say. It was the right decision for me. I had to keep very busy, but I really preferred to wait.

just just reminding you its normal to have very sporadic flutters of movement before 20 weeks at least. As I remember, they don't become regular until around 24 weeks.

the penguin john lewis ad was what convinced me i was pregnant this time around, i was testing neg but was in absolute FLOODS of tears every time i saw it. prego hormones, eh?!

I turned over every time I saw it. I don't need the grief! Life's challenging enough without emotional adverts.

brummie john lewis brings me to tears on the best days, the prices alone are enough to make you weep.
If crowds are too tough maybe try getting out for a decent walk if you are up for it. I always found fresh air and space to be really healing. Borrow a neighbours dog if you can, it helps to have something else to think about. You will turn a corner, but it will take time. Big hugs.
just I think we are mirroring eachother. My bump went into hiding after yoga yesterday and hasn't really resurfaced. Starting to fret, but trying to chill. Its prob still asleep, I was totally blissed out after it.

Thanks Belle and everyone else.

It's difficult, I want to get out house but facing people is hard. I guess it doesn't help that I've got a stinking cold too.

Has anyone else found things strained between them and their DP after mc.

Things seem to be difficult at the moment and we should be comforting each other and I'm aware that a mc is very much about the woman and that's unfair.

DP is being very snappy and cross about the littlest thing and I feel like he's taking it out on me. I know he isn't but I also know I'm so low and sensitive it feels like he is and I'm trying my hardest not to snap back but I feel like he's having a go at me.

I know he's not but neither of us seem to be coping particularly well.

Oh Brummie that is tough. I have had both reactions with dh. After the first mcs and when ttc I felt very alone as he was very philosophical and patient about it all. After mc3 he was more upset which, while not nice, was better for our relationship as I felt he understood more. Can you find some time to do something nice together? A day trip or something? I echo belle. I found the countryside and the sea the most healing places to be.

brummie I really struggled after my 3rd mc, didn't want to see anyone and really struggled to cope with every day tasks bit it does get easier. I'm 22 weeks now and dh is upset with me as I don't want to go pram shopping yet. I still can't bring myself to even look at baby things but DH thinks I'm just being silly

Definitely one MC tests a relationship let alone multiple MCs. If I am truthful things haven't been great between OH and me since last MC until this week which would be three months. Wasn't particularly impressed he went to football the afternoon of the day I had the MC in the morning, leaving me at home with dd......

Think there's more support for women than men for MCs and they struggle to know where they can vent their feelings. Know OH eventually spoke to some of his mates but only in recent weeks. This week definitely feels like we have turned a corner and we have had some fun. He's also cleaned the house this week, which always helps!

Me and the OH really struggled after MC number 3. I felt he just completely distanced himself from the house, kids, me. Everything really. As I got pregnant again so quickly (3 weeks following the ERPC) we didn't really sort it out and for the first two and a half months I hardly saw him. Things are finally getting back on track - I think a lot of it was he really struggled seeing me go through it all again and he felt he hadn't really done enough. There was nothing anyone could have done but he wants to look after me and this was something he couldn't prevent. I think he found it really hard. It's incredibly tough going through this though as you feel even more you're on your own. Just keep in mind it's probably because he cares so much that he's distancing himself subconsciously - men are definitely hard to read creatures!

Definitely felt the strain on my relationship with dh since the mcs. He sees it totally differently to me.
To him, they are not and never were babies. This is just a blip to him, an annoyance on the way to getting a baby (which at least he is positive about happening).
He understands that I feel sad about it but he just doesn't get it himself. I kept thinking at first that maybe he was sad as well but Just hiding it to protect me from feeling I'd let him down, but no. He got a bit annoyed when i asked him about it and said "I can't make myself feel upset when I don't".
He just doesn't care about the babies. He does worry about me of course (he's not as heartless as I've probably made him sound!), but I find it really hard that he doesn't feel the same as me.
He also thinks everything will be ok again when we have a baby in our arms. I know things will be a lot better when we do, but I fear there will still be some things to deal with later.
It's hard and just a horrible thing to go through. Puts so much stress on you individually and as a couple. Big hugs brummie x

Thanks all. March you have described exactly the way my DP is.

I have no doubt he's sad but actually to look at him, you wouldn't know anything has happened. Maybe that is what I'm struggling with.

I say to him "aren't you upset" and he'll say " of course I am" but you'd never know. In not saying he should be wailing the place down but a bit more emotion - at the moment I feel so alone.

With regards to the house, I actually have the opposite problem. He's stomping around the house complaining about how untidy it is and it's a shithole . That's not true, but admittedly it's a bit messy .

It's making me feel bad for struggling and I feel like his anger and impatience is directed at me. At the moment I can barely get dressed and I feel like DP is angry with me.

He'll say he's not but then he won't explain why he's being the way he is. Thing is, DP is one of these " I've never been sick, never had a day off" yada yada . He has very little time for sick people - usually because the kind of people he employs wouldn't think twice about calling in sick with a hangover if that makes sense.

But it's making me feel like everyone else makes me feel - like I should "buck up" and get on with it. Life goes on don't you know???!

I'm sure we 'll get through it, once I recover. But it makes me feel like I'm on my own - even though DP would be heartbroken if I said I felt like that

March My dh is a bit like that too, hence it was only mc3, which he started to see as an impediment to actually having a baby, that truly upset him. I found it very lonely before that. Dh and I argue quite a lot at the best of times, we're both quite stubborn and hot-tempered and he hasn't been well lately which brings out the worst in both of us. Things are mostly good at the moment though.

oneday hope you are feeling a little reassured. I totally get your anxiety though. The 'reassurance' scans are they offered by NHS or privately?

brummie it sounds like you are at the lowest point. Lots and lots of cuddles to you. It will get better but it's small steps forward and back. It's such an uncommunicatable experience, it's not surprising it can place big wedge in relationships of all sorts. Xxxxx

I have brave days and not-brave-days. On my brave days I will engage with friends who have babies and second and third children and smile. On my not-brave-days I do whatever it takes to protect myself (something restorative reading, swimming etc) and lean heavily on DH on those days.

OK, it's time for me to share my own version of string theory. It's my analagy for how I can work through the pain of a miscarriage.

Counting's String Theory

So after losing a pregnancy I have a ball of string, and it stays in my breast pocket close to my heart, and it is a big knotted mess. It represents all of my mixed up feelings of grief, sadness, hurt, jealousy, anger, confusion and everything else that's in there. For the pain to ease I have to untangle this ball of string, and the only way to do this is to handle it. To take it out and to touch it and play with it. I can do this in a conversation with a friend, alone with my thoughts, crying to the frozen soundtrack, anywhere I can express myself and 'let it go'. Each time I handle the ball of string, it gets a little less knotty. But you can't untangle it all in one sitting, it's a process.

Life will offer you lots of opportunities to touch and handle the ball of string, meeting your friends newborn is an obvious one but all sorts of things present the opportunity (John Lewis anyone?). You don't necessarily get to pick when the opportunities come, but I know that if it feels like a safe place and if I have the strength that day, then it's good to get the string out and handle it.

Gradually, the string will become less knotted and may even become soft and warm like wool, but it will always be with me and I will always need to handle it gently.

(Sorry for epic post, I can get quite carried away with my thoughts sometimes)