I'm afraid I have sad news. I went to a routine consultant appointment at the hospital on Christmas eve, because the gp had insisted on getting me booked in. He did a routine scan/check, and found no heartbeat. I should have been 9+6, and it looks like it had died very recently, maybe the day before, as there had been further growth since the last scan only 5 days before.
I'm devastated. I had let a little hope in, since I had been found to have high NK cells and was on prednisolone, and had had good scans. DS was with me - I didn't know I would be getting a scan. I was looking at the screen thinking no no no where's the heartbeat...and the Dr treated me like I was his student, totally clinical, pointing out where it should be and so on, without actually saying there wasn't one. Like torture. I held it together because of DS, went home, rang OH, then we all went to a carol concert in the church because DS has never been to one and I was determined to 'do' Christmas for him.
Dear God that carol service was utterly horrific. Constant talk and songs about newborn babies and wombs...'silent night' in a candle lit church makes me emotional at the best of times. It was like holding back a waterfall, and took everything I had not to weep and wail and sob.
So here I am, with five lost pregnancies, all very different. I know I'm old - just turned 41, but other women in their 40's manage to have healthy babies. I feel desperate despair, but am of course being as normal as possible for DS. My mind is everywhere. I am starting to think I can't cope, though I expect I will. My sisters and mum (3 kids each with 1 mc between them) don't know about this one, or the last two. I am wondering whether to open up to them. My father will be horrified I'm sure - issues with OH, we have no money, I'm old. I know its daft but I feel like I have let you guys down as well, because the success stories are so encouraging, and the sad stories are so sad. Keep telling myself to get grip, and reminding myself of how lucky I am to have DS, and how many other awful things there are that can happen that are worse.
I don't really know what to do right now. I'll go to epu on Monday and see when they can do an erpc. I really don't think I can cope passing it at home, when it would be a very recognisable and sizeable foetus..
Sorry for the depressing post, and its long, but I really need to put all this stuff somewhere.