Please help - I feel lost x

[Mummytothearkbuilder]

I posted on here last week as I had been anxious since I got my BFP and had some lovely reassuring responses.

My HCG level had been re-tested last week and come back all good so was looking forward to my early scan that I had booked hoping to see the heartbeat for full reassurance.

We went yesterday and after an abdominal and internal scan the guy said he couldn't see a heartbeat - just a sac and foetus with no heartbeat - we were devastated and spoke to our local maternity unit who said we go to A&E and they will re-do bloods however they came back increased (from 17866 on 30th Jan to 20202) so we were given a small glimmer of hope.

Just been for a wee and have some brown discharge so I guess the sonographer was right. I am so sad I don't know how I should act or what to do - I am scared of what is to come and passing the baby (because that's what it is to me - I can't rationalise it as some cells that didn't form properly).

I desperately wanted another baby and a sibling for my little boy - he is 4 in April and I was already worried about a big age gap.

Please help me xxx

[TheAccidentalExhibitionist]

Fod27 you will probably continue to bleed for a while. It's different for everyone. Some women will bleed a little bit for a while and others will bleed heavily for a short time and it will taper off.
In terms of pain, it can feel periody and crampy.
Although it feels scary, you will be OK and you will cope. X

[Mummytothearkbuilder]

Oh fod bless you - once I passed my first clot it all happened quite quickly - before that it was like a period then the clot happened and I had 2-3 hours of heavy bleeding ( camped in the bathroom) and then once that finished it was like having a period. The pain was bad for me but then I am a wuss - I took co-codamol.

Hope it isn't too bad for you - thinking of you xxx

[fod27]

Thanks guys. still bleeding but it's period like loss... Nothing extreme yet, been very emotional too...think that's because I'd clung to hope for so long that now it's finally happening I'm gutted all over again x

[TheAccidentalExhibitionist]

It's understandable to feel very emotional. It's just a terrible thing to go through and it's the loss of hope with a sad ending.

[BlackholesAndRevelations]

Oh fod hugs to you. Hope it's not too painful. Do allow yourself to grieve, and cry and shout and whatever you need to do. I'm so sorry youre going through it xxx

[BlackholesAndRevelations]

Actually a friend of mine asked how I was earlier, and I feel like it might be hitting me now a bit, when I was absolutely fine. Think it's because I'm back to work tomorrow after an amazing half term with my kids. Don't want to go back. It feels like the old feelings are flooding back

[fod27]

Think that's exactly what it is...loosing hope and it all becoming very real, I've cried and become so angry. I don't want to return to work either, simply because I'll have to face everyone and all their questions plus my students have been asking after me (which is lovely) apart from the fact that one of them will be due the same time I was....I hope I don't treat her any different from her peers...that's going to be really hard. I just hope we all get through this my heart goes out to you all cxxx

[SaggyOldClothCatpuss]

Fod, I think these emotions are pretty par for the course. Ive been through the 5 stages of grief, done them all, still doing them, but its been a few weeks, and a new hope is starting to replace the lost hope. My emotions are pretty roller coaster ish, today definitely isnt a great day, but the clouds are lifting a bit. Without wanting to sound gushy, remember Pandora's box. There is always hope. Theres another cycle and another, all with a little spark of hope.
Chin up Hun. {{hug}}

[SaggyOldClothCatpuss]

crikey! Sorry to be so twee!
Also, I agree with BlackHoles. Let it out. I kicked hell out of a tree last week! It does help!

[Mummytothearkbuilder]

Oh fod - bless you - it is so hard isn't it. I have had my first day back today and everyone has been lovely but all asking why I was off (I work with some nosy people!) in the end I just said it and they were quite taken back but it shut them up!

It really is a roller coaster - I am now feeling really angry about the whole thing and generally cross - I know I am snapping at DH which i am trying not to do as he has been so lovely - just wish we weren't back to square one

Have you spoken to your doctor or EPU - were you due your re-scan today?

Lots of hugs xxxxx

[Mummytothearkbuilder]

Morning ladies, Fod - how are you doing? Hope you are okay xxx

[fod27]

Had my rescan and baby was still there, the sack had started to collapse and they reckon that's what the bleeding was, she said I could give it another week and have the op next week.....don't think I can mentally take anymore tho.

I asked if it could affect my chances of concievebly and she said it wouldn't although she cant guarantee I wouldn't mc again but she did stress that she didn't think it was likely (I'm sure you have all heard that before). I'm booked in tomorrow morning for the op...just hope this brings about some closure and we can look to the future. I know what you mean about feelings of anger! As we left the EPU there were women 7 and 6 months pregnant pulling up on the car park or walking in...I just scowled at them and my partner called them bitches (under his breath) think he's just as angry especially his remark "he doesn't look like he's got a spunk in him"

[Mummytothearkbuilder]

Hi fod - hope you are okay Hun - sorry the scan confirmed your fears. I really hope the d and c goes okay tomorrow - are you just in for the day? I am trying to be less angry today and not snap so much at DH but I just feel so frustrated!

I will be thinking of you tomorrow - make sure you take plenty of time to recover and be kind to yourself - get loads of yummy things to eat for when you feel like eating.

Big hugs xxxxx

[fod27]

They think I should be out by 12, been researching all sorts and now I'm dead scared....apparently they can either do a vacuum aspiration or a d and c which are totally different but the d and c has been linked to ashermans syndrome, making myself ill looking into it :(

[TheAccidentalExhibitionist]

Good luck Fod. I think that was a good decision, it's a simple procedure. I'm sure you will be relieved that its all over. It's normal to feel sad too about the pregnancy really being over after the surgery, hard to explain but that's how I felt each time.
You may be really tired for a while afterwards. It can take a couple of weeks to feel anything like back to normal physically. Make sure your DH or someone else is around to look after you for the next couple of days.

[fod27]

He's been a godsend he really has, glad I will be out of no mans land but so scared about ttc again (I really really want to) but i am terrified it will happen all over again