Recurrent miscarriage testing and beyond.. Part 6.. Over here!

[orangebowl]

We have filled up the last thread so here is the next.. Deep breath and grit your teeth for the roller coaster of emotions that continues... Hope tea and butterfly and all find it!

Baking how awful, poor you. The cruellest part is the waiting with the tiniest chance. Hope that awful as it is, the week passes as quickly and painlessly as it can.

I've had an odd scan. They saw nothing - meaning suspected heterotopic. Which is rare. Luckily as they cannot see anything and I'm not in pain, pending bloods its a injection tomorrow or consultant Monday. Obvs would prefer an injection and 2 tubes to costultant and no doubt a scalpel. I asked about the spa break, they said keep your notes with you at all times, go by train, provided its near an A&E. Which is a small consolation. I feel a bit heartless but tbh discovering I might have some extra material weeks after my miscarriage ... I just think of it as part of the same loss.

Are you still going, Squiz? Are you booked for injection (methotrexate?) tomorrow?
Looks like you are in the same situation as me, just when you think it can't get worse, it does.

God yeah, it's ridiculous bad luck. Just appalling. Sometimes I just cry and my DH or Sis say "Oh are you sad because of your miscarriages" and sometimes it isn't even the loss or the pain it's just the sheer flipping bad luck of the whole thing. It's so random. Lovely nurse today trying to be nice, saying I 'deserved' a break and when she thinks of people who don't care for their kids etc'. And all I could think was "deserved" doesn't mean anything, fate is just random it doesn't care.

Well, on a more positive note, the Registrar and Consultant at my hospital have been quite reassuring. I'm booked in for Monday. My HCG is steady, not shooting up, the sonographer who sees things other hospitals miss (she is the local 2nd opinion) couldn't see any tubal masses, and my PG falling (hence they think it might "resolve" before then). They basically think it's tiny, never grew, hopefully never gonna. Which is good in a way. The big cheese consultant wants to give me the once over and double check the pathology for molar (even though they don't think it's molar, and the pathology lab had a good look before) before Monday. I think this is so they can treat me very quickly and specifically and so far it sounds likely to be with methotrexate not surgery.

I was pretty much encouraged to go to this spa break, and only contact A&E in the case of severe pain or collapse (in which case any hospital would do, I just need to keep my notes with me) would do so I was encouraged to 'enjoy visiting your friend in Essex' as it would take the mind off things.

Oh Baking I'm so sorry. Talk about messing with your head. If I were you I'd stay on the progesterone for a while - can you get another prescription? At least until its sorted one way or the other. It's just an awful limbo place to be and I'm so sorry this is how its turned out. Are you managing to carry out doing normal things? I think you've handled all this amazingly if that's any consolation....which I'm sure its not.

Squiz what a saga! At least it sounds as if you are being looked after really well and listened to properly at last. When are you next going back? I hope you are managing to rest and relax a bit in between all this drama.

Thanks Tea. I spoke to consultant today and she says stay on the progesterone, the pharmacy arranged some more for me as GP had put it on repeats. I felt dreadful this afternoon, had psyched myself up for ERPC today and had horrible post-adrenaline shakiness for ages. I feel like such a bitch for wishing the baby had been dead just so it would be easier on me, but there seems to be no hope offered of a good outcome, it's just prolonging the bad one.
Squiz I think that nurse would have really pissed me off! I can see she is just trying to be nice, but really, who "deserves" any of this? There is no justice to it at all. I really hope you are able to enjoy your spa break without incident.
Tea how are you feeling today?

Baking I can totally relate to that feeling. I was a bit like that yesterday - you get a come down from the adrenalin and i felt really shaky and wierd

I feel much better today. Can't believe I got myself in such a state. I feel calmer now and more able to deal with any outcome. Although I do have hope now as can explain away all my issues and that really scares me. I kind of want to convince myself its over but I can't stop imagining myself with a bump!

Hearing all your stories does make me realise that I'm not particularly happy with the care, or rather lack of care I'm receiving. I couldn't even get an nhs prescription for the progesterone - my GP surgery had a practice meeting about it and decided no! If this pregnancy goes wrong I'm going to push for a referral to the proper rmc clinic as I only see a single consultant directly at the moment so have noone to call or to support me really as hes so busy and just seems to treat me like a normal pregnant person. I couldn't even get a GP appointment for the thrush as it wasn't an emergency....

Anyway will try to stay a bit more sane and rational although I'm so glad you're all here for when i have my next crisis!

Yep Baking ... I know about the 'come down'. Went in yesterday scared by the junior doc's phonecall, no nail varnish (big deal, I'm a North West London bling nails gal), no make up, no food for 12 hours in case they needed to laroscope me. Braced for a shot of chemo. Then it was like ' oh no you are ultra stable, just wait till Monday'.

Tea oh it makes it so much worse when the GP is unsupportive. We have 3 at our local health centre - I now ASK for one by name, I'd rather wait a day for her than be seen by the unsupportive one earlier.

My Drs at the hospital actually appreciated that I'd read up on everything, they appreciated that GPs and non-specialist A&E staff were less clued up. A nurse said about GPs 'nowadays you have to be pushy - they have pressures like budgets and if you don't push you might not get'. It actually angers me for other women in my particular case- if I had been a shy young immigrant girl as many are in my street, with limited English - or a teen who was accidentally pregnant, or just someone who wasn't very 'savvy' and not a pushy lower-middle-class-bolshy-bird, would I have ended up only going in when the pain became excruciating and I lost a tube? It makes you think...

Have you a local PALS? They can be supportive and the Miscarriage Association boards and staff can give some good advice.

Just popping in (sleepless) to say sorry for being quiet over last couple of days, having bit of tough time again. Things better tonight, had a few friends over, very diverse group but lovely chilled relaxed evening.

Thinking of you all in your various limbo lands.

Hi everyone. I haven't been on for ages and so much has been happening, good and bad. I'm on holiday at the moment feeling very relaxed. A couple of wks before the holiday I went to my GP to talk about it taking so long to conceive this time. She was very lovely but said that all my tests were normal back when I was tested for the 3 mcs and she honestly thinks my body and mind are stressed after everything that has happened and I need to give it more time. I think deep down I agree which was why I thought it best to try to distance myself from my fraught tycoon feelings.

Have missed speaking to you all though. Tea, I'm so thrilled you got the BFP but also really feel for you with the stress and cramps. I know I would be the same and really hope you get through the difficult next few weeks with a good result at the end.

Squiz and Baking, so sad for everything you are both going through. I'm on a phone with slow connection so hope I can catch up better when I'm back. In the meantime, sending you both a big hug. x

Just a quickie to see how everyone's doing today.

Picardy I'm so sorry you're having a rubbish day. How do you feel now? Feel free to vent more if you'd like. We are all here and all know how you feel.

Guppie so nice to hear from you again! Glad you're having a nice relaxing holiday it really make such a difference doesn't it? I'm still pining for my holiday back in April and wishing I was still there. I completely agree that you need to get your body and mind in the right place to ttc. I think a bit part of why it took longer for me this time was because of how scary I found it. But obviously waiting does mean that even more time is added onto getting where we all want to be.

I'm ok today. Had a nice day with DHs family & didn't get a chance to think too much. Although still scared every time I go to the loo. Still yellow discharge (sorry tmi!) which is so odd but at least its not red! Hope it means nothing. Got scan letter through and its in the antenatal department which is rubbish & I'd much rather be away from the pregnant people but can't do much about it really.

Right that wasn't quick at all was it? Night everyone hope we all have relaxing nights with lots of sleep!

HI everyone.

Tea glad you are doing ok. I think keeping busy is the only way to deal with it. How long do you have to wait for a scan?
Guppie and Squiz hope you are both having lovely time on holiday/spa break. We took our temporary lodger to Bath yesterday and I was just chatting and saying I'd never been to Bath Spa. She very kindly volunteered to babysit so we could go, couldn't really think of a decent excuse why I'm not going to be able to go in the next few weeks as I'm either pregnant or miscarrying. So far have not told her what is happening but think I will have to.
Picardy hope you are having a nice weekend and feeling a bit better.

I thought I was fine, but all it took this morning to reduce me to tears was a friend phoning to warn me it is a baptism service at church. Kind of her to be that thoughtful, I have to go anyway for various practical reasons, but it only takes one person to be a little bit nice to me for the facade to crumble completely

MC has moved on from threatened to actual. Waiting to hear if they are going to admit me to hospital.

Oh no Baking how awful. Hope they take care of you. Are you being admitted overnight? Thinking of you.

Managed to have an ok time this weekend. Now just dreading tomorrow. I don't want any more wait-and-see ... Wait-and-see has had me miscarrying for 6 weeks, and could be the difference between an injection for this heterotopic or losing a tube. I am just sick of this. And there was the merest hint they got the molar pathology wrong - very played down, but they are 're checking'. I just can't bear it any longer. If it turns out to be retained products after all I will be furious. I am going in v early and asking for bloods prior to the appointment! Luckily was down for a thyroid test then (as was expected to be on next cycle by now) so they can take an extra bottle!

Oh Baking I'm so sorry. I hope you can get into the hospital and they can so the erpc. How are you feeling? Are you in pain?

Sorry - do the erpc

Nope. Home again. There is still a hb so they won't/can't do anything. Learnt some more about negative prognostic indicators for pregnancy from the doctor with possibly the worst bedside manner in the world who decided to use me as a tutuorial. Have been sent home with a pot to catch the bits in, will have to use the sieve tip as posted by someone else on here this week. DH furious, demanding to know whose interests they think they are acting in as it certainly doesn't seem to be mine and any loyalty to the baby is misplaced since they are all agreed it's on the way out. They did offer to keep me in but if they won't do ERPC or medical management it could be days.

So sorry to hear this baking - I can't believe they won't give EPRC when you want one when you would be able to get a termination no problem.

Mad, isn't it. I could understand if any of them were saying there is any hope, but they're not. Baby is 3 weeks behind, HB is v weak, yolk sac is calcified, there is a large amount of blood building up behind placenta separating baby from uterine wall, so only a matter of time.
When someone said they had ended up pissing through a sieve for days on end ( to catch the baby) I thought that was completely bonkers, but now I'm grateful for the tip. Who said we live in a civilised society?

Really really sorry Baking. Again I don't know what else to say that hasn't already been said. Thinking of you. X

Squiz hope you are listened to and get answers and action today.

Bleeding has all settled down again overnight. I decided not to take any more progesterone, I just want this over. I don't know whether to go to work, had phoned boss yesterday and said not going in, but now feel a fraud. Don't want it all kicking off there though. I'm so fed up with it hanging over me, 11 days since we knew it was over but still no resolution. I feel so disloyal to baby, still trying to grow stubborn like it's mum but it is not developing and 6 doctors have now agreed it is doomed. When I think back to MC1 and I was so distraught that baby should not end up as clinical waste, now I'm planning how I can send this one off for tests before it is even dead. RMC has turned me into a horrible hard person.

That sucks. Just awful. I know there has been a ruckus in the USA about docs ERPCing OK embryos by accident but I would have thought they'd engage some common sense over here?
Someone needs to do some formal research into the psychological strain waiting and waiting puts us under.

Off to hospital now. Appt at 11am, but if I go in and get my bloods done with the 9am scan lot (I hope they'll let me) consultant will have results already by 11am and give a quicker answer I hope...

PS. You aren't horrible or hard. If you know its inevitable, its only right to make plans so that something can come out of this - even if its as small as a few answers. Those answers could save another preganacy in future so its not hard, it's the right thing to do.

I'm going in today demanding they give me something to nuke my insides. 1st MC I would never had done that. But it must be done.

Oh, Baking, how simply horrible for you. I'm so so sorry.

Please don't think you're horrible or hard. This time round - the first time I was told it was definitely a mc, before the hb was discovered, and then again after the baby had died - I had several calm and from the outside very macabre conversations with my gynae about how best to proceed in order to 'save' enough 'material' for testing. These are simply the bitter facts of our position. It doesn't mean we love our babies any less, or think any less of them after they are gone . We do all this for love of the baby that hasn't reached us yet, iyswim. Thinking of you.

Squiz, I am thinking of you too and hoping for the best possible outcome/resolution to all this. How draining it's been for you

Thank you all for good wishes. I'm having a hard time. Every year in our town there is a service at the cemetery for the babies miscarried and stillborn over the past year. That's two for me The vicar is a friend of mine and I talked it over with her - what to say and (importantly) not to say - beforehand. I sang a solo at the service. There was a young girl there, with her partner and her mother, very upset, she was perhaps late teens, early twenties at most. My heart broke for her. It was very caringly and lovingly done, it was beautiful. But the whole thing has taken a toll on me and I am struggling atm with the whole feeling of partly having moved on - and even ttc again - and the grief I'm still carrying around. I'm still terribly upset really and just want this baby back. Then there are all the demands of the rest of life and of other people on me

Sorry for whinge. What you two are facing is so much worse.

Picardy I have no idea where you found the strength to sing at a service like that. I've considered going to one but never actually made it there. I know there is an annual one at the hospital and there was one in the cathedral last year.
I went to church yesterday despite the warning (stuff I needed to collect) and wished I hadn't, it was all baby baptisms, "new life" and pictures of bumps, complete with tiny foot sticking out. The person leading it is a friend and had warned me about the baptism bit, I guess she thought I'd stay away and not have to listen to the rest of it.
Right, have to pull myself together enough to take DS to school.
Squiz good luck for your appointment - get them kicked into shape.

Baking I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I hope it all resolves itself soon. You're not hard and horrible at all. I think we all try to find ways of coping with this and I have had to toughen up considerably. I try to view it as just science and as a few cells rather than a baby. Otherwise its just too hard. But that doesn't mean I'm not devastated for what could have been. I hope you are coping ok today. I would personally stay off work for as long as you can. I completely understand you want to be at home.

Picardy I echo what Baking said, I don't know how you managed to sing. I am not at the stage yet where I could do anything like that. I can't properly mourn as I feel like I need to stay strong to keep going. I would like to do more in the future, maybe for the miscarriage association, but I'm too much in the thick of it at the moment and I haven't come out the other side yet. It is such a difficult thing to go through and I truly believe noone understands unless they've been through it too. People are so well meaning with advice and platitudes but it does annoy me as I don't think you can imagine how it feels to expect to lose your pregnancy as soon as you see the bfp. I hope you start to feel stronger soon and that your bad days turn into better ones.

Squiz how did it go today? Were you bolshy??!

I have started to feel sick which is reassuring to an extent - although I felt sick during my 3rd pregnancy that was lost at 6 weeks (but not picked up til nearly 10) so I'm trying not to read too much into it. Hope it means its progressing to some extent. Although feeling hideous and then losing it is the absolute worst. I'm still completely jittery and not sleeping properly - even dreamt about mc last night & had to jump out of bed to check I wasn't bleeding. Seeing accupuncturist tomorrow so hope that will help a bit.

Hope everyone else is doing ok