Recurrent miscarriage testing and beyond.. Part 6.. Over here!

[orangebowl]

We have filled up the last thread so here is the next.. Deep breath and grit your teeth for the roller coaster of emotions that continues... Hope tea and butterfly and all find it!

Baking, you poor love

My first mc, and the two that followed live births (my second and fourth), produced a shock and a violent, as opposed to deep and resigned, grief that the third one and this one didn't. I think it's the loss of that blithe innocence and happiness about pregnancy, which I found I did regain to a degree after having the dc (I suppose I thought something like 'now I can put the mc chapter behind me'). This time I have been deeply sad, really heartbroken, but not spiralled into the distraughtness that happened last time. I also think that to some extent, when we find ourselves in a position we know from before, we insulate ourselves instinctively from the 'worst' of it, the most acute feelings of grief. Does that make any sense?

Baking I'm exactly the same. I guess we just expect the worst now & are hardened to the horror of mc. With my last 2 mc it was almost a relief when I knew it was over, like you've said before. The uncertainty of early pregnancy is often worse than knowing its finished. It's just such a shame that you have to get through it in order to have a baby. I do find though that the grief hits me later especially when I have to start ttc again. Really glad you had a nice weekend with your family. Give your boys extra big hugs.

Squiz sorry you're in limbo still and can't believe they didn't tell you about your results. Well I can easily believe it but drives me mad. It's like they don't realise that its people's lives. FWIW I never had an hcg test after my last mc. Once the consultant scanned me and saw there was nothing left he was happy. Although to be honest he wasn't even that fussed to scan me - they said as long as bleeding tailed off and no signs of infection they were happy. My periods always took ages to return so maybe slow hcg dropping was part of the problem.

School and Picardy thank you so much for your wise words and support.

I've had no more spotting today - hooray! Although do have cramps and cannot remember what's normal so still anxious. I'm trying to take it easy - almost scared to jump incase it dislodges!!!

Done something stupid - woke up at 4am with insomnia (again!) and for some unknown reason decided to do a CB digi test. I had done one last Tuesday & it said 2-3 weeks. Today it still said 2-3 weeks. Convinced that means its failing as surely after 8 days it should have gone to 3+??! I am around 5.3 weeks counting from date of positive opk.

I know I sound like a total loon but am getting desperate and fear the worst. Even if it is bad news I need to prepare myself for mc no4 but how do you do that? Feel like I might go insane in the meantime from stress and lack of sleep!!

Oh Tea lovely! Those tests are the work of the devil, it's so variable what HCG levels are in the early stages. I'm sorry you are stressed about it and I have no idea how to make it better, other than trying to keep busy. We are rooting for you.

I know I'm such an idiot I have no idea what possessed me. And my last failed pregnancy got to 3+ and before my 1st mc I had even seen a hb so I know that realistically nothing is certain until I have a real live baby. I just need to not lose my mind! It's strange though because even though I'm convinced this is going to go wrong I still feel beyond devastated at the thought.

Oh love. I agree, those tests are Evil Things.

I think rmc asks the very nearly impossible of us. We are supposed to be brave, remain stoical through these early stages, accept hope and fear and disappointment and, as you say, 'not lose [our] mind' - it's almost superhuman. No wonder we struggle, no wonder you're struggling. I think all I can say is I know, so much, what it's like and that it's OK to feel whatever you do feel. You need to be looked after and to look after yourself too. I have had soms success in recent weeks with giving in, wherever practicable, to whatever I wanted to make myself feel better and cared for in the moment.

Everything still crossed for you, of course. xxx

Tea I'm not sure if this helps but I was obsessed with those digi tests but mine didnt go up to the "next level" until well after my dates suggested. I don't think I got a 3+ with this pregnancy until I was 6 weeks pregnant... An I'm 28 weeks today!

Thinking of you lots. X

Thank you everyone (again - literally dont know what I'd do without you!). I feel a bit calmer now after my meltdown and trying to do some work. I also keep thinking about DD when my mind wanders to dark places as whatever happens I am so lucky to have her. I feel like I'm bipolar at the moment - one minute I'm fine and the next I'm hysterically crying.

If I ever have another baby I'm going to have to make you all godmothers - your wise words are honestly about the only thing that's getting me through this. DH and my friends are being rubbish & I think not quite sure what to say to me!

at the thought of a baby with a coven of internet godmothers!

Tea - as everyone says those tests are a nightmare! Sure all is well.

Solo went back to the hospital, my hcg has crept up again! Bah, who knows if its my body being confused or retained products. There was a tiny embryo, pathology showed no molar, obvs it being in the womb so ectopic unlikely (but of course now suddenly every twinge scares me) and I am just hoping they find something small in the womb they can deal with with a pessary or wait-n-see.
Has anyone had this up and down hcg? It has come down from 10000+ to 300, then in a week to 380. They are scanning me tomorrow.

I mean the stuff they found was in pure ERPC scans. Hence I am currently a mystery to them. A paranoid mystery checking her temperature and every tiny ache and pain.

pre erpc. I hate autocorrect.

Oh squiz, how frustrating for you.

I wonder what the margin of error is on these things? So a rise like that might not really be a rise at all, but just different readings? That said, within a week you should have been able to expect a fall, really . I really hope they can get to the bottom of things and set you on the road to 'proper' recovery - this must feel like a horrible extension of limbo land.

I'm now absolutely riddled with anxiety. I feel very nauseous, which could be the hormones, my anxiety or even something I ate. My after pains are mostly on the right but always have been and are mild. But I now think I'm the 1 in 4000 women with (what was) a uterine pregnancy AND an ectopic (Heterotopic). Rang the gynie registrar at the hospital who said only come in if I experience severe pain or dizziness as they will see me tomorrow to scan... middle of the night = emergency surgery to have a look. She said Heterotopic pregnancies are very rare and I much more likely have retained products. I said "I really wasn't expecting this to happen when I said my hormones weren't dropping!" and she said "well... neither were we!". I guess not!

Squiz I'm so sorry you're still having such a saga with all this!! Have they given any indication of what the issues might be? I can imagine its just making a bad situation so much worse & you can't get closure on this. Is it standard to have hcg tests as I never have? Although to be fair 2 of mine involved an erpc. I hope this gets sorted out for you soon!!

Well I had an ERPC and went back in as I was still having hefty symptoms 3 weeks after. Lucky I did. At first they put it down to slowly falling bloods but that I didn't need a follow up. Then yesterday I rang and they said 'oh maybe you should have' - they did a 3rd (almost 5 weeks later) and they'd crept up! Late April pre-op I was 1000+ hcg, last week 320 then 300, today 360. So not a massive change.
Basically they ruled out molar and because histology identified pregnancy tissue (i.e. a tiny embryo) the risk of a "Heterotopic" is a low one. Much more likely to be some left over placenta (Miscarriage Helpline v helpful). For non-IVF, it's like 1/4000 odds of having a heterotopic ... 1 in 50 chance of needing a pessary or repeat ERPC because a bit of placenta was left. But of course my brain is all on the MORE SCARY one.
I have a bad back and shoulder. Of course I am freaking 'how could I tell shoulder tip pain?'. DH says "wait till tomorrow if not faint, bleeding or definite stomach pain" and is watching me regularly which is what the docs say but I've got myself in a tizzy.

The irony is now I wish this one had been natural like my last 2. 24 hr of pain, 2 weeks in bulky old pads and feeling like ghost because all the PG and HCG drained out of me over 48hr. The irony... for most people ERPC is the clean/quick/over-with option which is why it was invented!

Complication rate is the same with all methods, Squiz don't doubt the decisions you made at the time. Hope the scan tomorrow is reassuring.

What Baking said, squiz. We can only go on what we know at the time.
In mc no. 4 I had an ERPC. Went back for check-up scan 8for some reason hcG wasn't monitored last time) and stuff still there so was injected with something to cause contractions and get rid of it. Felt like insult to injury .

That said, feeling anxiety is entirely normal in your situation - it's been such a long hard road. Thinking of you lots.

Tea joining you in the 4 am madness. Can't sleep. 2nd scan today and then the bit where I beg for an ERPC. I'm really angry that I've had to wait. If I decided I didn't want my 8 week pregnancy they'd book me for an abortion, because my baby is dead I suddenly have no say in what happens next. Steeling myself to find out that they can't analyse the tissue because it has degenerated, or that they won't book me until next week, in which case I run out of progesterone and probably MC over the w/end. I am going to be bloody furious if I lose the chance to at least get some information back why this keeps happening. I'm trying to plan being all calm and assertive, but I bet it won't happen.
Squiz I hope you get answers today (of the least bad type)

Baking I hope they give you the ERPC. Explain you need it for your own wellbeing and results as you RM (mine were keen for results on the pathology etc' I think that's something which sways them).

...and Picardy - thanks. Says something when I go in hoping for an injection or pessary to make me bleed, could do with being little miss average complications for once. An operation or even worse something in the tube would knock me back. I was meant to be going on a spa break Saturday my best mate organised to cheer me up (picked so it was after the bleeding stopped). Life really is a bitch sometimes.

Oh Baking its so rubbish this wait and you're totally right about not being in control. I

Sorry posted too soon!!

I really hope the get the result you want today - and appreciate that its so sad you actually want confirmation that your baby has gone and you want an operation. They should have the facilities to do an erpc pretty soon so I guess you'll just have to be forceful. At the very least they should give you more progesterone to keep you going until the erpc. Will you get to see the consultant?

Squiz how do you feel today? I hope you get your spa break if anyone deserves it you do!!

Thinking of you both today.

Now I am even more . Scan today shows a 6 week embryo with a very slow heartbeat. I should be 8+4 (no doubt about dates. None.) So even though they are all agreed it is a failing pregnancy, they won't do anything. Rescan in another week

So what do I do now? Progesterone is probably propping up a failing pregnancy, but if I stop it and allow the MC then I lose the chance to have any genetics done. Or I have another week of knowing it is going wrong, worrying every day that I'll start to actually MC, and back to the same situation in a week. They've introduced that tiny 1% element of hope, which makes the whole thing torturous again.

Oh, Baking