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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

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Original poster

Today would have been my friend's due date - should I mention it?

27 replies

weeblueberry · 17/12/2012 11:54

I've never been in this position so would really appreciate some feedback from anyone who's had to go through this horribleness.

My friend would have been due today and I just don't know whether to send a 'I'm thinking of you guys' message or shut my trap and let her have a day of peace and quiet. I screwed up telling her about my own pregnancy for which I feel utterly terrible and don't want to mess this up either but have no idea how to act in this situation. Sad

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 17/12/2012 11:54

Yes, I would mention it.

nananaps · 17/12/2012 11:56

Oh what a lovely thing to do, yes, i would very much have appreciated a text or wee card from someone acknowledging my miscarriages and due dates.
Every one wants to forget and never mention it again because its done isnt it.

It will be very much in her thoughts today, would be lovely if you let her know its in yours too.

Countmyblessings · 17/12/2012 12:11

I would maybe go see her or call her and take the lead from her she may mention it or she may just want to forget and deal with it herself in her own way! With you sending card or text may stir up sad feeling she's dealt with!!!
My DD is tomorrow 2 days after my birthday and I'm hoping to get through the day without breaking down! I'm currently 27 weeks pregnant so hormones all over the place!!!
I'm sure you know your friend and will deal with it in the right manner as your heart is clearly in the right place and you care for her alot!!
That a true friendship!

UniS · 17/12/2012 12:17

I'd go with no. but that's because if any one had mentioned it to me however well meaning , I'd have bitten their head off and then burst into tears.

MrsJohnDeere · 17/12/2012 12:33

Yes, do mention it. I'd be deeply touched if someone did that with me. I might well probably would burst into tears but I'm going to cry anyway that day.

What a lovely friend you are.

literaryone · 17/12/2012 13:22

I don't really want anyone to remember the due date for my baby. The thing is, that date was important in another reality. That reality isn't what I'm living through now.

But I would want to have the date of his birth remembered.

So I guess this is a vote for "don't say anything unless she brings it up."

CMOTDibbler · 17/12/2012 13:28

I'd have really appreciated anyone remembering - a text saying 'thinking of you today' would have meant the world

SledsImOn · 17/12/2012 13:35

yes I'd send something like 'Hope you are doing Okay xx'. I have not been through what she has been through though, so I don't know really.

Ellypoo · 17/12/2012 13:36

I would - what a lovely thought. I would just send a 'thinking of you' type of message, and don't expect a response. A lot of the time you feel like everyone has forgotten, so it's nice to know that you aren't on your own remembering the date.

Rooble · 17/12/2012 13:38

I would have hated a card, especially from someone pregnant (sorry, but that's how it was) - but a call to say hi and how are you would have been lovely - then she can respond however she wants. She may be teary though.

GinSoakedMu1berryLush · 17/12/2012 13:39

Yes definitely mention it. let her know that that date hasn't just slipped your mind. Recognise it.

Cwm · 17/12/2012 13:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FunnysFuckingFreezing · 17/12/2012 13:41

tbh if anyone had done this for me with either of my 2 MMC I would have wondered WTF they were going on about. I can't remember my due dates and certainly wouldn't expect a friend to. Having said that I got pregnant again within a few months of each MMC and so had other things to focus on. Plus mine were only at 12 weeks. How far gone was your friend? If I had been say 20 weeks it would be a different story I expect

Musomathsci · 17/12/2012 13:43

A text might be best. She doesn't have to respond, you don't need to speak, there is no tangible thing that she has to deal with (unlike a card), no-one else needs to know about it, she can delete it if it upsets her, but you have done a kind thing as her friend and she can remember that later. Don't push it by calling or turning up, a short text is all that's needed -it won't interrupt her day if she has plans.

ArielTheBahHumbugMermaid · 17/12/2012 13:43

A nice text would be thoughtful.

OhDearNigel · 17/12/2012 13:44

I sent my friend a text message on the due date of her miscarriage. She was really touched that someone had remembered. I say do it. She won't have forgotten.

TheSecondComing · 17/12/2012 13:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

seeker · 17/12/2012 13:50

I think that you never regret mentioning something like this, but you do sometimes regret not. So I would send a text, rather than a card- "thinking about you today- I'm around if you want a chat". Easy to ignore if she wants to.

HaveToWearHeels · 17/12/2012 13:50

Definately mention it. I had a miscarriage this year and my due date was July 17th. A colleague and friend also had a miscarriage and her due date was September 17th. She sent me a little email and I did the same for her, it means the world that someone remembers that there should have been a baby but sadly there isn't. All too often miscarried babies get forgotton.
Also a friend had her baby a week before my due date and she sent a text, just saying "thinking of you"

Original poster
weeblueberry · 17/12/2012 14:04

Thank you everyone - I really appreciate the feedback. I think I'll just send her a wee message to let her know I'm thinking about her today. Nothing detailed or anything. I know she definitely will remember the date as we talked about it a couple of weeks ago and it's still very much on her mind. It was a really traumatic miscarriage and she found it very difficult to deal with. Not half because I became pregnant very soon afterwards. Sad

As I said I really appreciate everyone taking the time to respond. xx

OP posts:
Dummyhunter · 17/12/2012 14:31

Yes please mention it - she will cry but not remembering is worse - l lost a little one 2 years ago today and no one has mentioned it so l feel like it didnt matter to anyone else x

sundaesundae · 17/12/2012 15:18

Unfortunately we are all so different so can't advise, I'd have been very upset that someone brought it up and it would have set me back. I have deliberately forgotten my past due dates too, so would have found it a bit odd. If she is talking about it and you feel it is appropriate then do mention it, but be prepared for a negative reaction.

Hard to be well meaning with these things, you never know how they are going to react.

Original poster
weeblueberry · 18/12/2012 19:18

Just wanted to say thanks again to everyone who responded.

I did end up sending her a wee message last night and she replied to say thank you and that it wasn't as tough as she'd thought it would be. She's got a son so I think she wanted to spend the afternoon with him. She certainly didn't forget (I knew this already) but seemed grateful I remembered. Smile

OP posts:
AnyFuckerForAMincePie · 18/12/2012 21:42

I am glad it turned out that way. She will remember that you did that, weeblue.

HoobaubleDoobauble · 19/12/2012 10:50

I mc just over a year ago, on what would have been my due date last June my friend sent me a little bar of chocolate, a small bottle of wine and a card saying she was thinking of me.

When it got to the anniversary of me losing the baby, a little parcel arrived from her with a wooden angel for my Xmas tree.

Both times it made me happy that someone had remembered. x