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Miscarriage/pregnancy loss

a friend asked me to go and see "what to expect when you're expecting" at the cinema.....

90 replies

iloveberries · 19/06/2012 14:54

she knows i've lost 2 babies in the last year.

why are people so tactless/thoughtless?? If you feel like ranting about the tactless things people have said to you then feel free to get it off your chest here.

OP posts:
Beamur · 19/06/2012 14:57

That's rotten.
People who have never experienced a m/c don't have much idea of how it feels, I had one friend tell me 'it was for the best' - which may have been technically true to some degree but was an awful thing to say and it certainly didn't feel like it to me at the time.

iloveberries · 19/06/2012 15:17

"you'll get pregnant again" seems to be another favourite....

OP posts:
Nicebeaver · 19/06/2012 15:43

Oooooo just get me started......
(Hello iloveberries, how are you feeling?)
I've just lost my second tube and have been told 'these things are meant to be'. WTF!?
Incredibly insensitive of your friend to suggest that film.
Oooh I've also had people say it's not fair on children to be only children (I have one child)
My most hated question is when/are you having any more?
And people asking very pointedly 'how are you?' and looking at my stomach as if I have that special little secret. GRRrRrRRrr!

EightiesChick · 19/06/2012 15:47

That is super tactless. Having said that, I went to see it [spoiler alert]

and was surprised that one of the couples loses their baby. I didn't expect that, and once it had happened I expected her to conveniently get pregnant again by the end - she didn't. So some credit to them for recognising that some pregnancies end sadly, with no baby and no convenient 'replacement' on the way.

lotsofcheese · 19/06/2012 17:07

On the topic of insensitivity, my tactless mother-in-law arrived on Father's Day, proclaiming about 2 ladies she knows who are pregnant!! The minute she walked through the door! Knowing that I'm 10 days post-ERCP,& that it's my 2nd m/c in a year (one of which was a molar pregnancy)


kittykatsforever · 19/06/2012 20:06

My great gran In law actually asked me if I was sure I wasn't pg as I looked it in the dress I was wearing as I was actually miscarry ing, it was my dd's christening and I had to stand and smile with people for 3 hours before I could go to a&e! How's that!!
( in her defence she is lovely and just loves great grand children but I wish people would think a little!)

amyboo · 19/06/2012 20:28

After I lost my first pregnancy in a mmc at 13 weeks (after a healthy 9 week scan) a "friend" of mine had a conversation right in front of me about how these things are less likely to happen if you don't ttc right after coming off the pill! No scientific evidence to back her up or anything.... The "friend's" husbands then emailed me to send his apologies for my mmc and said that at least it wasn't an actual baby yet or anything! I've since lost a baby at 36 weeks (after a healthy pregnancy in between) and thankfully the friend is no longer a "friend" and has kept her big mouth shut!

CheeseandGherkins · 19/06/2012 20:35

My bil's gf said something like it was meant to be/she must have had something wrong with her when our daughter was stillborn at 37 weeks. She was trying to be nice but it still hurt as I wouldn't have cared if there was something wrong with her.

Some of the comments people come out with are awful.

WhatDreamsMayCome · 20/06/2012 00:06

Commiserations to those who have insensitive comments made to them.

I have said to me "Ooh, there was a woman in a magazine who'd had 19 miscarriages" as though having one was just the beginning. Thank you so much MIL, don't you think I know that I might have more?

MIL also claims to know "nobody else who has had a miscarriage" - this has to be a lie. Since growing up, I have known relations and friends of family whom this has sadly happened to.

"Oh no, it's not going to put you off pregnancy is it? I want to be an auntie"
Well you already are so what's the fuss - you would never be left with him/her alone anyway as you cannot act responsibly with your own child let alone somebody else's.

"Oh, blah, blah is an only child, innit awful" If I have a child and they happen to be my only one it won't be awful. I know as many happy, well adjusted only children as I do those who have siblings are are very insecure about whether they are loved as much as the next one. It's all down to circumstances which are personal.

"Here, hold my baby" Thanks, he's cute, now have him back. No I don't want to watch him being changed on a dirty carpet - I don't want to watch a poo ridden nappy being removed as though it were entertainment. Yuck. Allow the child some dignity - go off and do it on a surface that can be cleaned.

"Oooh, I'm bleeding, I hope I don't have a miscarriage like you"

"I'm measuring a cot, do you think it will fit? Let me give you the measurements Why are you asking me this a fortnight after what's happened? Get a calculator and aks your gormless, rude partner to work it out. I could be forgiven for thinking that you are trying to make my distress worse.

Others have been fantastic and I treasure my parents and good friends but you never forget the few who have made those comments and I can never feel the same way about them.

Countmyblessings · 20/06/2012 00:50

Ohhh well done ilove for this because as I said some people's mouth should have a health warning!
Some people feel that just because you have DC that the ones you lost just should bother, upset and you should be grateful!!!!
Ermmmmmm excuse me, I'm grateful for my DC but the fact that I can't just move on as having 3 losses, 2 in just over a year just is a minor bump! And not wanting to see growing bellies, hearing the constant moaning of feeling fat and morning sickness! Is just something I have to get over!!!!! Thanks for the advice but you can shove it!!!!

Countmyblessings · 20/06/2012 00:51

Oh and I should be grateful for the fact that I only lost 1 tube, and should be grateful for it not being a still born!!!!!!!!!! Wth!!!!!

iloveberries · 20/06/2012 11:50

god whatdreams - you seem to have heard it all!

I have a friend who texts me almost daily saying "hope you're feeling ok today". I know it's well intended but i feel like writing back saying "no, i'm fucking not ok you stupid idiot and if you want to ACTUALLY help then come and visit and be brave enough to say "how are you" instead of your pointless one lined texts."

God it feels good to get this off my chest!

OP posts:
Nicebeaver · 20/06/2012 13:04

Iloveberries I know what you mean. People just want you to be 'better' without understanding that it is not just physical, it is emotional too. I have had to remind a relative that whilst I may look ok i have had 2 mc and 2 eps in 2 and a half years and lost my remaining tube a couple of weeks ago. I have decided to try and be honest about my feelings rather than just saying 'I'm fine'.
The best are people who don't try to jiffy you along and make everything ok like a friend who came to see me yesterday who said i looked awful and shouldn't be thinking of going back to work. A lot of people wouldn't want to say that but it made me feel that how I feel is justified iykwim

ipswichwitch · 20/06/2012 13:32

God people can be so bloody thoughtless, am so :( for you all.
One of our twin boys was stillborn at 34 weeks and we had a lot of "well at least you have N", like having one surviving twin somehow makes up for and negates our loss. We still lost a baby you thoughtless twat, and our son is not a consolation prize, he's a much wanted and loved little boy, just like his twin.
My pet hate is the "everything happens for a reason". Then when we found out we lost him because he had chromosome abnormalities we got "well it's probably for the best". Wtaf? 8 months later and we're still getting these comments and they are still offending us

birdofthenorth · 20/06/2012 15:05

I hope you said no, OP?! There's a giant What To Expect poster advert outside of my house. DH actually rang the council to ask if they'd take it down bless him!! Obviously not.

Some staggering insensitivity on here. WTF is wrong with people.

WhatDreamsMayCome · 20/06/2012 18:43

Iloveberries, all those comments are from one family, I avoid them and any situations that do not make me feel happy and comfortable at present!
And agree wholeheartedly about the texts, would it be too much to pick up the phone or to visit? Your friend should call and see you. Words are cheap and texts are such a cop out. Sometimes, although you don't want people to forget, you don't want to be defined by it either so someone although perhaps meaning well who continually asks how you are feeling isn't as helpful as someone who visits and is a supportive presence.

Annoyed for everyone that has had crass, insensitive and just plain thoughtless comments made to them. You really remember the good people who went out of their way.

Ipswichwitch, very sorry for the loss of your twin. People really don't think at all before they engage their mouths.

iloveberries · 21/06/2012 14:30

NO! - I am most definitely NOT going to see it! can't think of anything worse.
ipswichwitch - so sorry for the loss of your little boy. and all the stupid comments....

It's so hard isn't it!

OP posts:
Clementine79 · 25/06/2012 20:50

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tasmaniandevilchaser · 25/06/2012 21:02

good grief, some of these comments have made my jaw drop! So sorry for all of your losses Sad

I thought my friend asking me if I had been watching "One Born Every Minute" was bad - this is about 3 wks after my MMC discovered at the 12 wk scan. I now realise I've been lucky to avoid much much worse comments!

how are you berries? not seen you around for a while.

MyLittleMiracles · 25/06/2012 21:02

Or worse still i got told with mine "you were too young anyway" With my first admittedly i was 17, my second i was 20, my little boy who is now sleeping i was 21, I also had fertility issues and the fact that i had lost a baby no one cared and as for it not being a proper baby, i saw my 2nds heartbeat at 6 weeks and 6 days and that makes IT REAL. IMO.

Your friend was being insensitive, or maybe she hoped that by taking you to see it, you would realise that its not just you that goes through it, and maybe so you could cry and not feel stupid maybe you friend was trying to help, but done it in the wrong way. (please dont flame me)

willitbe · 25/06/2012 21:08

I am sorry so many of you have suffered so many insensitive comments.

Having had 12 miscarriages myself I am not shocked by any of the comments. I think that when I was seeing a doctor for recurrent miscarriages and he said "well you'll be glad to know it isn't cancer", that would count as one of the more insensitive ones I have had, but really I don't allow it to get to me any more, I think I have reached a point of acceptance and more of knowledge of who amongst my family, friends and aquaintences that should not be told when I am pregnant now.

I actually went to see the film "what to expect" and really enjoyed it, [spoiler alert], it covered adoption, miscarriage and infertility as well as difficult and easy pregnancies. It was more about the men too, rather than just about pregnancy, which the title would imply. I felt that it was respectful and although not a deep film, it did justice to the whole topic of wanting a baby.

iloveberries · 26/06/2012 07:33

mylittle - TBH I think it was just a thoughtless comment by my friend - easily done I know. When she asked I just said "eerm, no, i don't want to go and see that film" and she kind of got it. Then when i got home she texted to say she was so glad to see me smiling and that i was feeling better about everything. It's sweet as i know she cares but i did have to explain that most of the time it's a total brave face as i can't wander round crying infront of DS all day. I am a bit like clementine in that this whole thing has changed how i feel about a LOT of my friends.Not that idon't like them but just that i feel i can't really talk to them like before..... I did tell one of them I felt like no-one really cared and she said "we do, we email eachother all the time saying how worried we are about you" and i did suggest maybe one of them could pick up the phone to me and ask how i am..... bless them. I think it's more a case of them not knowing what to do rather than not caring. None of them have ever had mc or EP so i guess they don't know what to say. anyway - i have DMum and DH to talk to.

willitbe (nice name) you are brave seeing the film. I hope you get your DC. good luck.

OP posts:
CharlieUniformNovemberTango · 26/06/2012 08:04

I had a mmc with twins at 13 weeks after healthy scans upto 8 weeks.

I had agreed to buy a whole heap of baby stuff off my SIL as I was trying to keep costs down. It was just baby seats, a carseat etc that her dd had grown out of.

3 days after I came out of the hospital she rang and asked "are you keeping that stuff? If so, can you drop the money round I've seen some great shoes in the sale!". I just sort of said ermm to which she replied " oh if you don't want it drop it round. I've got a friend who might be interested. Can you do either thing today?"

I put the phone down!

iloveberries · 26/06/2012 16:53

OH.MY.GOD charlie that is THE MOST INSENSITIVE THING I HAVE EVER HEARD and i actually can't believe she said that, especially as a mum herself.

i hope you have gone on to have successful pregnancy since x

OP posts:
tasmaniandevilchaser · 26/06/2012 17:43

charlie Shock Shock Shock did she ever apologise?!

(love your username btw!)

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