a friend asked me to go and see "what to expect when you're expecting" at the cinema.....

[iloveberries]

she knows i've lost 2 babies in the last year.

why are people so tactless/thoughtless?? If you feel like ranting about the tactless things people have said to you then feel free to get it off your chest here.

I am at some of these.
Classics have included:
'Well at least you did not lose an actual baby'
'It was just a ball of cells'
'Just think of it as a missed period'
'Don;t show you are too upset to DH as you don;t want it to strain your marraige' (from MIL, well step MIL and I am sooo pleased I have no genetic link!)

The only thing anyone has said to me which made me feel better was 'That is just really shit and I am so sorry, you don;t deserve it, have a hug'

Hmmmmmm...

HOPPING mad!

An 'acquaintance', having today learned of my mc, said she was sad to hear my news, then told me to "find a focus"...and added that she "ran away to Africa" when she suffered a loss. Oh, ok - I'll simply forget about babies, cash in my ISA, get me a ticket, bin my husband and son, and pop off on my travels shall I?

Who wants the first slap....?

Really sorry for everyone's losses on this thread. I wish I was surprised at some of the things people have said here, but sadly insensitive comments are all too common after someone has had a miscarriage ime.

I went to see a relative and her newborn baby a couple of months after two m/c (which she was aware of). When holding her newborn (a difficult and emotional experience anyway) she gushed 'don't you just want one?'.

After my first m/c I got lots of cards and flowers from close family(which went straight in the bin to be honest, I didn't want a load of cards and flowers about reminding me of what I'd been through), but when I told them quite early on (again, only very close family) I was pregnant again, there was lots of 'isn't it a bit early to be telling us, bad luck etc'. Of course I went on to m/c on the day of a family wedding and my relatives seemed more pissed off that I had to pull out of the wedding. There were no cards or calls to see how I was doing that time - obviously I had brought such bad luck on myself for daring to share my good news with my nearest and dearest. I had genuinely thought they would have been pleased to know after the pain and sadness experienced first time around.

I have miscarried twins and also had 2 babies pass away when they were a few weeks old.

The amount stupidly ridiculous of comments I have had were unreal. My son died when I was 18 and I was told that at least I was young enough to have more children, several times over, I was also told I was probably too young, my Mother even said to me oh well at least we won't have to buy this wash powder anymore (as he had sensitive skin) what do you fancy for a change? I even got told that at least I had my figure back and no one would know I had a baby.

Then when I miscarried the twins I was told that I was lucky I lost them early on and they didn't die like my son did as well as the usual it wasn't meant to be nonsense. Someone else said to me that I must have been a bitch in a past life to have such bad luck. Another person said that twins would have been difficult to cope with anyway.

The most insensitive thing I encountered was when I lost my daughter, we had bought a pram and cot from my partners sister, our daughter was taken straight to ICU when she was born and lived for 2 weeks before we had to switch her life support off, so she never got home. I asked my partner to put the cot and pram back at his sisters until I decided what to do with them, meantime some girl had shown up at his other sisters house and was 8 months pregnant by her son. Anyway to cut a long story short the sisters decided between themselves to give this pregnant girl the pram and cot. Then couldn't understand why I was upset as my daughter hadn't used them. I was disgusted.

Some people should have a filter installed between their brain and their mouth.

I'm so sorry to hear of everyones losses and the insensitive tossers they have had to deal with after having such a shitty time.

OMG!!!!!!!!!!! I'm shocked!!! Missymoo! That's just disgusting!

Countmy I was horrified. We had went around to visit and I asked where she had put the pram and thats when she told me. Then after she said who had it she said 'Its not like she ever used it' I was so shocked I didn't know what to say and left. I really do wish I had told her exactly what I thought though.

Missymoo- the amount of insensitive, cruel self absorbed people is just sad! And to know they are family is just double worse!
Mils, sils, etc, etc are just tackless they feel they have license to say what they feel, they don't especially if they have never suffered a passing of a much wanted baby or child!!!!!
I take great insight now and will never post up a face book picture announcement a BB alert or a group text as you just don't know what people are going through!
We ladies are so brave and deserve gold medals!

I often think about what I would have said before I lost my babies, I didn't have any dealings with anyone who had suffered a loss before my son grew his wings. I honestly don't think I would have said anything so crass though.

I also now never ask anyone how many children they have or if they are pregnant I never say 'is this your 1st', I hate being asked and never know what to say.

Its a bloody shitty situation to be in, and you are so right we are all so brave to be going through this every single day.

I didn't mention my health visitor in my last post either, now you would expect these people to tread a bit carefully or be a bit diplomatic, but she came in when I had my son who was born 3 years after I lost my little boy, and said 'does he look like your dead son then' I kicked her out and put in a complaint about her and she was sent on some people skills course.

My word Missymoo - I have had to speak to people after they have lost and I have never been awful I would let them know how sorry I am, offer my help if they needed anything just let me know and say they are in my thoughts and prayers!!!!!! But the things people have said to me have been so hurtful!
Went to see a gp the other day and he actually counted the amount if losses I had wrong twice I had to keep correcting him with - saying " no I have had 2 ectopics and 1 MMC" it was horrible!!! Considering its all in my notes!!!!!
I also get the " you poor thing" what ?????? Do I look like a thing, and you can stick your pity!
Having to see some women struggle to conceive everyday is very hard especially when you know that all they want to be is a mother!!! It so upsetting! And then you see or hear about those who ill treat their children and it's so frustrating! And sad!!!!!

[don't get me started on health police health visitors.........]

Nor me Ovenready.

It was my GP who really took the wind out of my sails after the birth of my first son at 16 weeks gestation. She said that as I am small I might never have children and that's just nature's way and that the tiny amount of spotting I had after intercourse might mean I'd got cancer and then this baby thing would just pale into insignificance. She offered no tests or treatment for her perceived cancer risk.

In the years that followed I conceived two more DS's born at home and now great big boys. There is still a gap where our first little one should be and even last week, after eleven years and out of the blue, I found myself howling with grief for him.

Those who should know better still hurt us but the well meaning comments

• oh, go on holiday and forget all about it
• you're young and can have more babies
• there must have been something wrong with it

from friends and neighbours are just as bad.

It was older women, who had been there in their younger days, and a couple of very good friends, our minister and my parents who got us through. They accepted our loss of all that might have been and the grief for our son without judgement. I wish you all people like these.

I lost my baby at 16 weeks exactly one week today. I understand people arent really to sure what to think/say about the situation so i try to be understanding. Many seem to think it was just a late period and are shocked when they find out our baby is being buried and having a post mortem. DH did point out that these people have all had 12 week scans so why on earth don't they realise I was really having a baby is a bit odd.

Anyway the one that have surprised me are

1. My family members ALL saying individually "well at least we know you can get pregnant..."

I'm quite hairy and it seems my entire family privately though I was unable to have children and chose to wait till now to tell me. I am of course terrified I will never get pregnant again.

1. My dad then telling me I better hurry up and have another my niece wanted cousins. my baby still had a heartbeat at this point!

1. The community midwives calling DH to make an appointment for me to speak to them about what's happened. I called back and had to repeatedly explain that NO I didn't want a 16 week appointment my baby was born dead at 16 weeks. Only then to be told politely WTF am I calling them of that's the case. This was said by both receptionist and two midwives.

DH is furious because they called US!

Anyway we knew they were crap before hand so we are now ignoring all calls from them.

LittleBairn I'm so sorry that your baby died. It's a horrible thing to go through and the insensitive comments are the last straw sometimes.
When you feel strong enough (or your DH does) I'd write a complaint about the midwives - they need to deal with people in similar situations with more sensitivity. If it was an administrative error and they genuinely didn't know what had happenend then they need to improve their systems to prevent it happening to someone else.
I've has my fair share of insensitive comments. I think in some cases people just can't think of the right thing to say - they are trying to put a positive spin on it. There is no positive spin - it's just a shitty situation and the people who acknowledge the unfairness and allow you to grieve and not be "better" are the ones that will be there to support you when you need it.

bakingtins they have just called DH an hour ago to again shrug shoulders and say oh ok deal with the hospital then. They seem to think any discussion will take place in 6 weeks with consultant over post mortem.
Then why call us?!

Some of the comments people have had on here are shocking.

I had the usual comments like "it's very common you know" as if that somehow made it just like a cold or the flu. I wish I had said to people "so is death but you would never say that to someone who had just lost a relative!!"

Someone I work with quite regularly phoned me about 3 weeks after my miscarriage and after taking me completely by surprise by mentioning it (he had been told by one of my longstanding clients who had been told to keep it to himself), he started to tell me about everyone he knew who'd had a miscarriage - why would he think that was something I wanted to know or that it would make me feel better.

When I told him that despite the pregnancy being planned, I had been quite anxious and stressed when I found out I was pregnant. He then told me that I shouldn't have got stressed and that my doing so was probably what had caused the miscarriage!!!