a friend asked me to go and see "what to expect when you're expecting" at the cinema.....

[iloveberries]

she knows i've lost 2 babies in the last year.

why are people so tactless/thoughtless?? If you feel like ranting about the tactless things people have said to you then feel free to get it off your chest here.

lola just stop seeing her. BELIEVE me being selfish is wildly liberating. I have "been there" for all my friends and now none of them an return the favour. I am so angry about it. Was supposed to see a 'friend' last week who's been going on about how i need to talk to her and she texted about 2 hours before we were due to meet to say she'd got in some steak for her and her DH and couldn't make our dinner anymore. talk about a lame out. Just gutting to realise that people you thought would be there for you - aren't.

good grief berries she had a steak in for her DH??!! Is that the best excuse she can come up with??!!! I think "friends" like that are actually detrimental to your healing process, it's just like being slapped in the face.

I don't think there's anything you can do or say to make people realise, I've given up, I just don't talk about it with them - that includes my family. They probably think I'm just "over it", both the MMC and EP that I had within 3months of each other or maybe not. I just repeat to myself "they don't get it, lucky them".

Sounds about right berries. I think it's that shock that u can't actually believe what they've just said/done. This particular one is very full on and only bothered if ur doing something for her. Thankfully I have been busy just lately so the little time I do have has been reserved for my lovely friends

Reading all the posts and nodding...sadly...

I also got (after a much wanted pg ended in mmc at 17weeks)..

'Are you over it yet?' (the day after I came out of hospital)
'A few beers will see you right, at least you can drink now!' (same friend, the day after I came out of hospital!)
'At least you know you can get pregnant' (as if this is what you want to hear)
'Thank god your bump wasn't too big, you'll be back in your size 10's before you know it' (a week later)
'Well, it's not like it was a real baby is it. Anyway, miscarriages are dead common'
'I can't believe you haven't lost the weight yet!' (said two weeks later)

and my all time favourite:

'You should just give up now and accept you're too old. It was obviously disformed. A few weeks in the sun will sort your head out'

Yep. There really are some absolute fuckwits out there.

I'm now 22 weeks pg, and obviously having a very nervous, low key pregnancy. Honestly, I think unless it's happened to you, people just see miscarriage as some kind of 'you've had a late period' kind of no big deal.

If only i was not emotional scarred by the lives of my babies that have been stolen from me!!!!! i agree i didn't lose a pen, or a mobile i have been robbed of a future with my so very much wanted babies(children!!!!!!)
as soon as you see the "Double line or the Pregnant " flash up you start thinking of all he plans and how this baby will change your life forever! so when the baby's life has been cut short it still changes you!Right!!!!
just heard my Dh ex is expecting and it was like a kick right in the pit of my stomach!!!!!!!
i know i shouldn't feel like this but its so flipping hard, when they operated they should of removed my emotions! I'm sure some people would really love that! so-called friends included can we all say DELETE!!!!!!!!

Congrats to you -itdoesnthurttohavemanners! on your rainbow baby! and so sorry that you have had to go through such hurtful comments after going though such a trauma! we on her have all been there and its not nice at all!

thank you blessings..not counting mine at all until she pops out and is alive and breathing! One day at a time...staying positive! :)

Love to you all who've been through similar x

I hear that but its as i always say " today i am pregnant and feeling positive" although when you have gone through an awful experience its very hard to go sailing and looking at your pregnancy through rose tinted glasses! if only you could erase the past! we are here to hold your hands and there are people on other threads who have been through it and are going through it!

Just lost a massive post:(

In short: For me it is the fact that people forget your gief after a couple of weeks. We lost our daughter at 31 weeks in April and in many wys I am struggling more now than a few weeks ago.

We have done everything we can to protect people and not make them feel awkward: keeping the funeral private, only showing pictures to people who asked, reasssuring people they can't say the wrong thing.

I have been particularly disappointed with one couple who have barely been in contact and have done a couple of things (that could out me) that have been hurtful in their thoughtlesness.

I hope I havent lost any friends, I am sure I feel less close to some than I originally thought.

So sorry for all of you who have experienced losses at whatever stage, have a hugxxx.

Sorry for the rambling vent, suffering a bit at the moment.

Scater- oh of course you must still be dealing with the terrible shock of being robbed a life with your baby and at 31 weeks that's just terrible!!!
I wouldn't be thinking of others and their feelings right now, deal with your hurt and grief!!!!! No one knows how your feeling right now and if people are acting off I would lock them off!!!!!!!!
April is a short time of thinking your ok as you was pregnant longer then you haven't right now and don't rush it!!! Big hugs and I hope your getting the support you need! If you had got the baby stuff also it make be hard seeing it! Have you got someone to maybe packed them away for you until you need them again? Hold on as day go by it will get easier and tomorrow won't seem too dark!!!! Take good care and keep talking in RL or here!

Thanks. Luckily my DH came home from the hospital on the day we found out and moved all the big items into the attic and a few weeks later we folded and sorted all the clothes etc which wasn't a horrid experience like I thought it would be.

Preparing myself for a glut of external meetings in the next week or so, may have some crackers to add to this thread afterwards!

Hi scater - so sorry to hear about the loss of your baby girl. What an awful experience for you to have to go through. I am glad you have your DH to support you.

I am fuming with a supposedly very close friend who announced her pregnancy yesterday - via sending a gushing group text to me. Maybe I am being precious but she knows everything we have been through and knows how hard i find pregnancy news and i thought she might have thoughts of a more tactful way to phrase her text rather than just sending me the "we have wonderful news! baby #2 edd 12th jan".

Was it too much to expect a teeny bit of empathy??!!!!

Goodness, I cannot believe how absolutely vile some people are. Clearly, some of them are just tactless but mean well, others are beyond words. How does one get like that?

It makes me all the happier that we have told virtually no one about our 4 MC and threatening 5th, especially not our families.

BangOffTrend- so sorry for your 4 MC, sending best wishes and blessings that all will be well and baby will be fine!!!!

Thank you for your wishes. I'm just in awe of the way you are dealing with, and even making light of those cruel words that can never be taken back.

I'm also delighted at the snippets of good news that have popped up through your heart-breaking stories.

Part of me feels terrible about not telling our families as I think how hurt I would feel if a DC of mine was going through the same thing and felt they couldn't tell us. On the other hand I'm not sure I or my DH could rise above the inevitable hurtful comments that would be made.

Such a relief to see this thread!
After 5 miscarriages, the things that have pissed me off the most:

1. Miscarriages are so common, do you know one in four pregnancies a going to end in miscarriage, most women don't even know they are having them.

Can't say how many times I've heard this one, but I now feel compelled to point out how hurtful this comment is every time I hear it.

1. It was fate, I'm a firm believer in everything happening for a reason,

WTAF, the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard. why have I lost all my babies, what good has come out of it?

1. Look at these lovely baby clothes, aren't they wonderful.

I don't want to see your baby clothes, don't you realise it hurts?

And breathe

lifeis- im so sorry that you have been through this horrible emotional, heartbreak 5 times - there is nothing anyone can say to take away the hurt and the pointless, thoughtless comments is enough to let you just snap!
does anyone really have to tell you the stats on miscarriages!!!!! are they stupid!
bangoff- im in awe of your strength!

i hope everyone else is ok and dealing with emotions each day!

After my 6th miscarriage, my mil law advised me to pray for forgiveness for all the bad I'd done in my life or I would continue to have miscarriages! I can't think of anything more evil to say!

Oh my fucking god sun that is awful Awful awful.
What on earth did you say?
So sorry you've been through all that - I hope you have a successful pregnancy soon x

sun your mil is deranged. I'm so sorry for all your losses and having her as a mil as well. I'm not normally into confrontation but I don't think I'd be able to let that one pass! What did you say??!!

thanks 'iloveberries' and 'tasmanuandevilchasher'. i hung up the tel and haven't spoken to her since! we've never had a good relationship and she's one of those people that will never say 'sorry' and accept defeat so it's best just to ignore her!

Sun - words escape me that your mil would say such a spiteful, wicked actually evil comment!!!! I don't know who she said you should be praying to but I don't believe at all that "God" has anything to do with it due to punishment of " passed sins" I would be praying for her as if she continues in that manner she would never see her grandchildren when you have your babies!!!!!
Negative breeds negative 1 thing you def don't need in your life with everything you have been through!
Big hug xxx

Thanks 'countmyblessing'. I totally agree that I don't need her in my life. My mil is deeply unhappy and so tries to hurt others. I also agree that god does not punish! I am of a different faith to my mil so she was asking me to pray to her faith........she didn't tell my hubby to pray tho!

Hi Sun and everyone else hope all is well!
Sun - have you just decided to keep your distance from your mil? And if so how is your DH dealing with that choice? Is he supporting your choice I really hope he is as she's quite toxic!
Heres gone a bit quiet!

Oh boy - just read through all these threads, and am absolutely shocked!

I had a mmc two weeks ago - I'm up and down, emotions all over the place. Luckily no-one has said anything stupid to me, but if they did - if I heard any of the things I've been reading above - I would knock seven bells out of them, regardless of family, friend or whatever.

Tbh I have avoided most people since it happened cos I don't want to hear anything, there's nothing anyone can say to make me feel better, and I don't want to talk about it [somehow writing is a little therapeutic]. I can't stomach the looks of sympathy, I'd rather deal with it alone.

I can just about manage to see my close friends, altho one has a newborn and he keeps getting handed to me. Really - I DON'T want to cuddle him! I have a son, 21 months old, but/and I want to hold MY OWN baby, the one I just lost, if it's all the same. I think my friends think I will 'heal' quicker if I get in amongst other people's babies?!

[Ok - now I feel sick...]