a friend asked me to go and see "what to expect when you're expecting" at the cinema.....

[iloveberries]

she knows i've lost 2 babies in the last year.

why are people so tactless/thoughtless?? If you feel like ranting about the tactless things people have said to you then feel free to get it off your chest here.

Nope! She mentioned it to my sister who told her she was being a bitch and I told my brother to come and collect it all a week later. He was a bit sheepish about it.

Some people can be so wrapped up in their own lives I guess. Still, I don't have to see her now as she left my brother not long after (for his best friend!)

Charlie ! What a charmer she is..

Oh god Charlie!! How awful.

My 1st MC, my (lovely normally) mum informed me it was probably for the best. I think I took her head off explained clearly that no actually, I didn't feel it was "for the best" at all.
My 2nd MC, my nana (also lovely) said the same to mum, who pretty much repeated what I told her! minus the swearing Was nice to know she had listened.

A mum of DC's lost a baby at term. I wasn't a massive friend, but didn't want to not acknowledge so just said, "I'm very sorry for your loss" spent the rest of the afternoon cringeing at the awful and stupid comments people were making! I never realised how thoughtless people can be.

A mum of DC's friend

i think that's it stretch - until you've been through the horror of losing a baby maybe people just don't know what to say. i think i have now realised that i won't talk to my friends about this sort of stuff.i have dmum and dmumsnet for that ;)

I haven't been in your situation ladies, but I wanted to say how sorry I am that you've had to deal with these awful comments on top of your devastating losses.

Wow with some awful comments we have enough to write a book titled
" Things not to say when someone has lost a baby"
I totally understand people not knowing what to say then say nothing! Sometime a shoulder to cry on, a hand to squeeze,or a ear to listen is so much more helpful, then people trying to understand you!!
I have also had comments from someone who has also had a couple of losses say" but why do you want more anyway" which I was not in my wildest dreams expecting her to say that!

I've not had horrible things, but found all the stories about people they knew who'd had an mc and now had a lovely bouncing baby very hard, and even harder now it's been a year of TTCing with no results. I think they do it just because it's hard to say they're sorry without trying to put some positive spin on it. OTOH my mum used to tell me every time I saw her about other people who'd had mcs, or a large number of mcs, or a stillbirth etc. I was just like 'what is the point of this? Are you making a catalogue?'

From my boss' mother: "oh we'll dear, you needed to sort your life out first, didn't you."

From the bitch of a work colleague: " yes but Twll, it's not like your 40 is it?" like just because I was 24 means it hurts less? I was actually miscarrying at the time and was in work every single day when she said that to me. I went in to the kitchen, burst in to tears and told the chef who was also her husband that she was a grade a cunt. Things haven't been the same between us since except she is still a cunt

So sorry to hear of everyone's losses . On top of devastating loss...the insensitive comments. I suffered a MMC end of April..I was 12.5weeks. I escaped the insensitive comments but instead have had friends & some family ignore me..I know it must be hard knowing what to say to help/comfort..
It really changes how you view people but also makes you value those who have been of wonderful support.

Countmy - I had this too, a friend who's also had an mc and didn't respond at all to my message saying what had happened. When i saw her a month later she said she was sorry and after we talked said that whe hers happened she just thought at least she was getting pg, which seemed a bit crass and, obviously, presumes that will happen again which it hasn't.

We lost DD at 32 weeks in February (this year). It has been traumatic, but DH and I have/are dealing with it in our own way.

A "friend" who has not been in touch "at all" since we lost DD, not even to say how sorry she was, eventually got her head out of her arse met up with me on Thursday.

First few words out of her mouth and she started grilling me on what we'd called DD (only close family and friends have been told i.e. not her ), what "arrangements" we' made, had we had her cremated, did we have to pay much for the funeral because she was dead when she was born, etc, etc. and refused to stop even when I put an axe in her head I told her that we were dealing with everything "privately" and it was none of her business.

Then she asked me if "we were going for another one, coz, like, at least you know you can get pregnant..." Well, yes, I can get pregnant, but DC's are not like cuddly toys in Hamleys - we lost our daughter FFS, DH & I don't want "another one", we want DD.

I am not impressed - she of all people should have some sensitivity as she's infertile and can't have DC's.

Fortunately, both DH and I are in a place that we can deal with such crass stupidity insensitivity, but I won't be seeing her again!

I have fallen out with two friends permanently who told me they thought it was time I got over it and just moved on. And that perhaps the reason I was angry at being told that was because I was very jealous they had children and I didn't?

It absolutely does sort the good friends from the bad. I have to say that I don't miss them.

I think Charlie's SIL wins the prize for the most crass and insensitive.

Charlie have just told DH your story and he's equally ! (and says that your ex SIL is a right silly bitch!)

Have (had!) a friend who continues to send me pictures of babygro's, prams, carseats, bedding and vests! Ffs! Thought Facebook was the place to rub it in everyones face not personal texts. Why would somebody do that to someone who has had losses? Mind you she is an attention seeker full stop and any excuse to share absolutely anything. Oh and it's ok to share every second of her pregnancy on Facebook but nobody who has had a loss is allowed to share that info with anyone as it is too upsetting for those who are still expecting

Can't believe some of your stories.

What a great thread to vent, well done op!

OMG Lola - she needs a swift deletion!! that is ridiculous.

Probably the best RL chats I had with anyone were from one of my friends who was heavily pg when i had the EP. She was wonderful and so supportive.

Glad the thread is helping!!! Vent away ladies, vent away!!!

I lost a baby and then took 3 years to fall pregnant again, needing fertility investigations/treatment etc. Then took another 2 years to conceive DD2.

I found the whole thing very upsetting and stressful. People around me were on the whole pretty thoughtless, especially my mother. She would roll her eyes every time I would mention my miscarriage or infertility.

A few years later when my family was complete she turned me and said "you must feel really stupid about all the fuss you made about wanting a baby"

I was speechless. This from the woman who had 4 children, conceived the month she wanted them.

So sorry OP. Some people will never get it.

I can't believe some of the comments you ladies have had to put up with!

When I was ttc dc3 I had 2 early mcs and they were awful enough, I can't begin to imagine what some of you have gone through. And then to have to put up with such insensitivity.

My SIL had a mc at the beginning of this year and I'm hoping I did the right thing when telling her about my pregnancy. My DH told his DBro and let his DBro tell SIL in private so she could come to terms with it on her own. She has since avoided all baby talk so I've taken the lead from her and not brought it up. I hope I haven't upset her more.

I think you sound like a thoughtful person stacey, that's exactly how I'd choose to be told. Not hear it from other people or in public so I'd have to keep a brave face til I got home. A friend had a MMC and her best friend announced her pg in the pub a few weeks later. In the pub - they had deliberately gathered everyone together to announce it. And not thought to let my friend know in advance so she could prepare herself. Can you believe it??!!

daintynuts I'm speechless at your mum as well. Talk about insensitive.

tasmanian so shocked at your friends friend and how insensitive so many people are!

We lost our son after a week when we was born at 25 weeks from an infection. He was conceived with IVF. We have not been able to keep a pregnancy since.

My MIL calls every week and without fail sighs and says 'well, you know what I want'

She told me that it's very sad I didn't get to be a mother. I am a fucking mother.

Two weeks after it happened she said 'I never lost any of my babies' (in a kind of puzzled, how could anyone be so stupid to lose a baby way) and 'is it absolutely necessary to have a funeral?' When we asked her if she'd like to see photos of him she told us to snap out of our maudlin state.

There are more, but I've just depressed myself. Hugs to all you ladies who have to deal with complete idiots far too often.

Crikey expat that's unbelievable! I sway between wondering if they are rubbing it in our faces on purpose or are just plain thick!

My baby died when I was 37 weeks pregnant with her after a normal pregnancy. Most people have been amazing, even people I hardly knew were writing with their numbers saying they were always there if we needed to talk etc.
There were three insensitive people though

1. husbands ex-boss being a real bitch that he dared take breavement leave. She had already been fired at this point, but as it is a joint venture with another company where her husband works she has managed to get an unpaid temp. position there so keeps hanging around acting as if she is still the boss and making it clear she will have her husband not renew contracts if people displease her. This same woman also critisized a colleague who is believed to have recently committed suicide. Apparently she managed to get through being fired so other people should deal with things. Ironically she thinks my husband is going to be a character reference for her.
2. Friend of my sisters emailed her in a temper demanding to know why I was so upset, it was just a miscarriage.
3. was feeling very unwell just after, so called my GP (who I had transferred to near the end of my pregnancy), explained the situation and they said "why don't you just go back to the hospital where you had it". I called up my old GP, they said come straight there, re-registered me there and then and saw me right away, and the GP gave me her mobile number in case I need to speak to her in an emergency.
4. Not an insensitive comments, but the after care when I left hospital was not good. The midwife clinic made a fuss about sending the midwives out (the midwives themselves were great), and despite giving birth to a full term baby I had my midwife checks cut from eleven to three, and was not given a six week postnatal check-up.

One thing that made me sad, is how people wpuld say "i had a mc, but obviously that is nothing like what you have been through,please do not think I am trying to compare". A loss is a loss, grieving is grieving we can not quantify it and set a scale of grieving. You do not just lose a baby (that in itself is quite an offensive term, we do not lose our babies, we lose pens and remote controls, our babies died), your hopes and dreams, and future plans are destroyed too.

Im so sorry for the crude awful things people say! they really don't have a clue of how you feel when you have a MMC/MC/SB/EC its like something has been stolen and no matter how much you tell someone how much this baby meant to you they just don't get it!
anyadvice- i can't imagine how you are feeling and your DH ex boss seems like she needs to get a life as she clearly has nothing to do!
quietTiger- unless she was paying i have no idea why she needed to know so glad you was able to shut her down! how rude!!!!
Dowers - clearly they have not been through it or they would never of said that, good for you that you locked them off! who needs people like that around!!
Expat - your mum sound like a real........... gem!!!!!!!!
Lola- i do hope you deleted her! how horrible and what a silly thing to do!

Count that is so true. You really do feel like something has been stolen. I've never looked at it like that before but you're right! It's unthinkable that these "friends" stick the knife in our wounds in such a way. But again you're right. They don't think. Doesn't make it any easier to cope with them thou. Yes I deleted but can't stop the texts and emails and requests to meet up. Arghhh. Don't want to say too much either as she is currently expecting and I wouldn't want to make her feel bad about her pregnancy. Even if the thought for ppls feelings isn't reciprocated x