Just had 12 week scan, baby died at 8 weeks, what next ?

[HaveToWearHeels]

no heartbeat and baby measuring 8 weeks. I am so shocked as we had scan at 6 weeks due to previous ectopic and all was in the right place, have had no pains, no bleeding and was still having sickness until 2 weeks ago.

Scan lady was lovely and made appointment for me to go back to discuss my options with doctor. Obviously I have been carrying a dead baby around in me for 4 weeks which I just can't compute at the moment :( What can I expect tomorrow ? I would like to arm myself with as much info as possible.

On the emotional side I am a mess. I have DD who is 2 and I desperatley what her to have have a sibling, but at nearly 42 and one tube this now seems like a distant dream. I somehow feel that I was the custodian of this baby for me and DH and I have failed.

Hi Heels, glad you have gone back to work & your boss is being lovely. My boss & colleague came round to see me at home this morning & were so lovely. I'm planning to go back to work on Tuesday but feel much better about it after seeing them.

I think you are doing exactly the right thing for you Heels & I think you know your own body & if you feel you are ready then go for it. I also think you are really really brave though as I'm petrified by the thought of getting pregnant again & would love to have the baby but cannot face going through months of uncertainty & the heartache of possibly losing another baby! I feel such a coward & think I'll regret not trying for another baby but I'm too scared. Guess over the coming weeks my feelings might change! Wishing you loads of luck though Heels, hope it happens quickly. Have you had a negative test, I was told I need to take a test 3 weeks from treatment. Just wondered if it was different after ERPC?

Well its four weeks today :( had counseling last night finally really cried it was so hard allowing my control to slip but i do feel better for it.
heals try not to get to obsessed because it can sometimes make it harder to conceive hope it happens soon for you xxx

Loublou you are not a coward you are incredibly brave for admitting that is how you feel. I want another baby but I feel incredibly guilty because i just lost one baby and it would be like I was trying to replace it :( I am so confused at the moment xxx

Heels you should def not feel guilty, you are not trying replace the baby you lost, you just want to complete your family. Please don't feel any guilt at all. We all need to do what is right for each of us & whatever gets us through each day.

This thread has been so useful. I had a scan at 9+5 yesterday and there was no heartbeat with the baby measuring 8 wks. A scan at 7+3 showed a heartbeat so it was a shock. I was veering towards medical management until I read thread last night so am now booked in for ERPC on Monday. Seems like the best option to me.

Sorry my last message should have been for you swanseamum not heels, shows how mashed up my brain is!!!

Dru77 so very sorry for your loss, it is such a very difficult time. Having gone through the medical management, I would encourage anyone to avoid going down same route. Really hope your ERPC goes smoothly & again so sorry for your loss.

Swanseamum I am sharing your confusion too, don't think all the hormones help when trying make enormous decisions! Just keep talking through your ups & downs on here, it does help.

I understand all you pain, having suffered six miscarriages myself, watching my friends give birth so easily, feeling guilty and heartbroken it was the worst six years of my life and, maybe you don't want to hear this, I know I didn't when I was going through it but, I went on to have three beautiful children, nobody could explain why I lost so many before but maybe I was finally lucky, so don't give up hope, my kids are now 16,15 and 14 so when it did happen, it happened fast. I hope that advances have been made over the last 14 years and that you get all the help you need. I was offered IVF, never could work out why, but keep the faith, it does get easier promise.

Just out of theatre after my ERPC. Have read some horror stories on mn but Leeds St James have been fantastic. Had to wait 11 hours on the ward before going down but they warned me that might happen. Really can't fault them.

Hi, I have only just read your story and felt the need to write you a message. As i only posted my message two hours ago and am already getting lots of support and help from the other people on here. I did not want to read and run.
I to had an mmc diagnosed at 12 weeks. I had no symptons up until the day before my 12 week scan which is when I had a bleed and just like you, before that morning I had no fears only excitment for what lay ahead.
There are no words to describe that feeling when the sonographer tells you that you baby has died.
I was given three options, to let the baby pass naturally, have medicinal help or an operation. My DH took me home to think about what we were going to do. My body did not give me chance. Within four hours I was back in hospital and I lost naturally and quickly. It was very very painful and I was in complete shock. This was on the 11th September 2011 and I am still struggling with the grief.
I hope that you are recovering well and if you ever want a chat then please DM me. In the last three hours I have realised just how good talking about it is and after keeping everything bottled up for nearly four months the support on mumsnet has been overwhelming.

Hi dru77, so sorry you are joining us on this thread but glad to hear op went as well as it could today. I had my ERPC 2 weeks ago and physically felt ok again within 2 or 3 days once groggy tired feeling wore off and bleeding stopped. However, emotionally been up and down, sometimes feel fine and normal again then something little will set me off.

Caroline good to hear you are getting some support now to come to terms with your loss, I agree that the support on mn has been invaluable.

Hope everyone else on here, heels, loublou, shomes, swansea, bonzo is doing ok and slowly recovering and getting plenty of support in RL as well.

Dru and Caroline so sorry you both find yourselves here.

Dru glad your ERPC went well and that this thread helped you make the right decision. It treally is a traumatic thing to happen to any woman, please take the time to heal physically as well as mentally. I found that once I had had the ERPC it heped enourmously and that I felt I could move on.

Caroline so sorry for your loss but so glad you have found some support on MN and on this thread. It is so sad that other ladies are going through this but hopefuly we are all supporting each other.

I am doing very well, had a few tears after watching Call the Midwife at the weekend, as I so long for a little baby to hold. DD is keeping me busy though and never fails to make me smile. She is so chatting and comes out with some cracking lines.

Im glad you are doing well. I still cannot bring myself to watch programmes like that. I cant even look at my twitter account on a Tuesday when One Born Every Minute is on! It's just one of those things I guess. I am so glad you have your DD to help you through. Just like I have my DH and my DSS, who is at uni but we talk all the time.

Hi Caroline - really sorry to hear of your loss and hope you are coping OK. It is so difficult but glad mn is giving you some support - not sure I would have survived the last few weeks without it tbh.

Dru - hope you are doing OK and recovering well from the ERPC.Take time and be kind to yourself.

Heels - glad you are doing OK. I watched Call the Midwife Sunday and had a few tears too. I wasn't going to watch that or OBEM but I've always watched and loved these sorts of programmes so trying to push myself and it hasn't been as bad as I was expecting.

I'm now back at work which has been really good for me because I needed to get back into a routine. Also I was filling my time at home by baking AND eating cakes! So needed to get out of the house or else I will be buying a new wardrobe!

Had a good weekend but bit wobbly on Sunday as it was my twins B'day and they were 9 and so full of questions about their birth. It was hard remembering it and reliving it but also lovely and I know I am so lucky to have them. We had a lovely family day out and I was doing so well until this lady stopped to talk to us. She was lovely and said how beautiful the girls were and then just said, you make such gorgeous children, don't stop at two as life is too short & said she wished she had had more. She was in her 70's and really lovely but I just couldn't hold it together and had to turn away as I started welling up and left DH to talk. I escaped & had a few tears away from the girls. I know things like this will get easier but that ache for the baby you have lost is never far away, even on good days. Not sure if that makes any sense.

Also think one of my friends is expecting - she doesn't know about my mc so I am bracing myself for her telling me her news. I am genuinely happy for her because she had a very unhappy marriage and they split without having children and she then remarried a lovely man but he is 16 years older. She didn't know if they'd have kids as she is 40 so I am in no way upset or think it should be me, iykwim but still will be hard to watch someone else going through it at a similar stage to what I should be.

Anyway, will stop waffling and do some work. Thanks ladies, love coming on here to off load. Thinking of you all.

I'm going back to work tomorrow so will fill out a self certified sick leave form - what do I put on it for the reason for absence? I have no real objection to my line manager knowing (he doesn't know I was pregnant) but if I write 'miscarriage' then he's bound to say something nice and that will set me off. I'm ok until someone is nice to me and then I cry.

I thought about putting a load of acronyms down i.e. ERPC for MMC as I doubt a man would know what that was - or anyone that hasn't been through it for that matter.

Hi all,

Having an ok week, hadn't really had any bleeding until today and passed a really big clot (tmi sorry) which shocked me and made me feel physically sick.

Sorry to see even more ladies on here, it really is tough, i think the emotions got to me over the weekend after trying to be so strong and just getting to the operation and home again. I guess only time will tell how healing will go but i'm trying my best!

Hugs to you all xx

i'm too upset to write much but this thread has been helpful. I had a MMC, suspected something was wrong when i started spotting on tuesday, went straight to EPU who examined me but couldnt scan me for 2 days- the same day my NT scan was due , so we went yesterday for planned scan, told sonographer who started the scan immediately and i knew instantly when i saw the baby it was dead. Baby stopped growing at 8+2, i was scanned at 11+3. Opted for ERPC but have to wait a full week as no surgery slots before then. Now have work to worry about, they didnt know about pregnancy but i need some time off. Ironically i have a weeks holiday booked starting next Thursday (day of ERPC) but should go in on Monday and tomorrow (i'm part time). Cant face Monday, worried the bleeding will get too bad. Tomorrow i think i can manage provided things don't suddenly get bad overnight.
So, so sad. I want to try again immediately , DP so far cant say (which is fine as its so early and i think he is worried about me having GA etc). Also about to turn 44 so age is very much against me.

blackcats so sorry for your news. i was in almost the identical situation, but ended up waiting about 17 days from diagnosis till ERPC. How shitty that you found out at what was meant to be your 12 week scan, presumably on the antenatal clinic. The EPU at our hospital saw me, even though my 12 week scan was scheduled for that afternoonI did have a couple of evenings of pretty awful pain and bleeding during the wait, and like you was worried that it would all suddenly kick off when I was out. The ERPC truly was fine and I was pain free immediately, and had some light bleeding for about 3 days then light spotting for a further week maybe. Just like you, we wanted to TTC immediately. OPK and charting both suggested I ovulated 16 days after the ERPC and we started SWI about 6 days after the ERPC (it was a bit uncomfortable and I did spot after, but the SWI was fine by about 10 days). Am now waiting for AF.....

In the mean time, stock up on painkillers, sanitary towels and nice things to eat. I slept on a dark towel in case I bled all over the sheets (which I did not, probably because any heavy bleeding was accompanied by cramps which woke me up).

Dru I totally understand how someone being sympathetic about the mc might set you off, it does me. How about saying you had to have emergency surgery and if anyone asks just say it was gynaecological / women's problems?

Blackcat so very very sorry to hear your news & sorry you are in limbo waiting for ERPC. I decided not to wait the week it would take for me to have ERPC, had medical management & now with hindsight, think waiting the week would have been better. I am only 2 weeks along the line from miscarrying & have just stopped bleeding. I too had limbo times in between scans & waiting for treatment & was unable to go to work as even on days when bleeding wasn't as bad, I was a mess emotionally. So guess I'm saying, don't push yourself. Sure your GP will sign you off. Talk on here, ask any questions & just vent, it has helped me so much. Also a few of us are 'older' ladies - I'm 37. So sorry again & hope you get through the next few weeks but time & lots of understanding is key. Take care.

thanks for the info bonzo, i hadn't though about nice things to eat but good idea, plus i've just been sent a £30 M&S voucher so i may stock up there. A 17 day wait is awful, some people get booked in next day. It was a horrid way to find out but in the leaflet they give to all women attending for scan it does say they check to see if baby is still alive, and it also said it wasn't happy occasion for all women, i couldn't read further after that as I felt it was going to be bad news. There were several pregnant women around (some with toddlers in tow) but it wasn't in the antenatal unit. I'd much rather have been scanned in the EPU but they are so pushed for resources.
i too don't want kind words, for some reason they set me off. I'm going to have to say to line manager that it is to be kept confidential and i do not want to talk about it at all. I may say i'm having surgery for gyno problems instead of giving full details, that 's a very good idea.
I have to say staff at hospital were great. They immediately made phone calls, got me seen again in EPU then and there to speak to specialist nurse about my choices, then got on call consultant paged for consent and further info on choices and TTC again, and all the things that needed doing , they were very aware that i needed to go home to start processing the shock but that paperwork and bloods needed to be taken prior to ERPC. They were kind but also very efficient and because so much needed to be done it just about stopped me from bawling my eyes out in the office. Instead I managed to keep to a few tears.
I do wish you good luck in a future successful pregnancy.

thanks very much loubloutwinmum. They didn't seem keen on me having medical management, kept saying something about the 'size of the pregnancy". And i would have had to visit another hospital to get the tablets as mine don't have them- that would take me around 45 minutes on the bus so not a good option for me. I'd already thought about it before and decided there was nothing to fear from surgery, plus i wanted it over with. I've been told there is a small chance nature will take matters into its own hands in the week i'm waiting, and also told i can change my mind anytime and cancel surgery.

I'm sorry medical management hasn't been ideal for you and sorry for your loss.

Blackcat I am so so sorry for your loss. I too suffered mmc the day of my 12 week scan. My baby died at 8 weeks. My body naturally miscarried late the very same day, quickly and painfully. The emotional rollercoaster you are on at the moment means you need to give yourself some time. Like Loubloutwinmum says, don't push yourself. My mmc was in September, I bled for about two weeks after and then after that it is just the emotional scars you need to work on.
I was really really struggling with this until only a week ago a very dear friend of mine told me about mumsnet. So for the past week I have been talking on here and I feel so so much better all ready. Don't suffer as long as I did. Mn has been my saviour.

loubloutwinmum - I am very sorry for your loss. I hope you are looking after yourself xx

thanks for your kind words caroline. so sorry to hear you've gone through the same thing .I think you're all right about work and not pushing yourself. I had a MC in my early 20s (very sudden natural mc at 12 weeks- a blighted ovum most likely).Work knew i was pregnant and they told me to take at least 2 weeks off. I really thought i'd be ok after a week but i needed the full 2 weeks. I was ok to go back after that but obviously each instance is different so I'll see how it goes.

Absolutley, there are no two the same. I took the full two weeks and then went back to work. The first few days were shaky and because only my tl knew.
Since that first week back, work has been great because I can hide from it there. Just keep talking. And although difficult to think of now. Stay positive xx

Hi ladies haven't been on here a little while been off work last couple of weeks so filling my time with cleaning and looking after my boys.

sorry to you ladies joining us it properly sucks!!!

Loublou how you doing hun ?hope you are ok xx