Just had 12 week scan, baby died at 8 weeks, what next ?

[HaveToWearHeels]

no heartbeat and baby measuring 8 weeks. I am so shocked as we had scan at 6 weeks due to previous ectopic and all was in the right place, have had no pains, no bleeding and was still having sickness until 2 weeks ago.

Scan lady was lovely and made appointment for me to go back to discuss my options with doctor. Obviously I have been carrying a dead baby around in me for 4 weeks which I just can't compute at the moment :( What can I expect tomorrow ? I would like to arm myself with as much info as possible.

On the emotional side I am a mess. I have DD who is 2 and I desperatley what her to have have a sibling, but at nearly 42 and one tube this now seems like a distant dream. I somehow feel that I was the custodian of this baby for me and DH and I have failed.

I MMC (1st time) on the Tuesday had the ERPC on the Wednesday. Was back in work on the Monday. With 5 other pregnant women in line of sight. I spent a lot of time crying in the loos. In hindsight I should have taken another week off. I could have as my boss knew.

My other 2 MCs all happened earlier and naturally on Fridays, so felt that I had to go back into work on the Monday as no one knew about it at work. And I hate calling in sick to often. But again I wish I had taken some time to recover mentally / emotionally. I would take as much time as you feel you need. You'll feel better for it.

Hi Swanseamum I'm doing ok, thanks for asking. Having more good days than bad days this week but the bad days have been bad! How are you coping? It is so tough isn't it? Girls keeping me sane that is for sure! xxx

Hi blackcats, so sorry you are joining us on here, I remember you from the Aug thread, i think we were due about the same time in the 1st week? I had an early scan at 10 weeks and found the baby had no heartbeat & had stopped growing 3 weeks previously so I know what you are going through.

I also had the ERPC and it was fine, other than feeling groggy and tired afterwards, I only bled lightly for about 4 days and had little pain. I know everyone is different but I only had 1 week off work as in the end I just wanted to get back rather than be sat round the house thinking about everything. But that 1st week back was hard as still emotionally up and down, starting to feel a better again now and more ready to start ttc again, probably once 1st AF out the way.

Hope the next few days go ok for you and based on loublou's experience that you manage to hang on to until the date of the ERPC. This thread has been a great support for me to talk to others going through the same thing so hope it can help you as well.

I ended up writing 'miscarriage' on the sick form (because they then can't take it into account for sick absence totals as it's pregnancy related - not that I've ever had a sick day there before) and handed it over hoping there'd be no comment but he said less than 1 word and off I went. He is super nice though and took me out of the office for a coffee for an hour - cue more tears for being nice. Feel a bit mortified now though.

I had all my antenatal appt letters through on Weds so I've had fun ringing and canceling them. My prescription exemption card arrived too! I've consoled myself somewhat by book holidays so I have something nice to look forward to over the next few months.

Sorry to see there are more people joining the thread.

Had a bit of a wobble during casualty. A woman with a star pendant on a necklace for each of her lost babies. There were several. . It's not even RL.

Me too Bonzo :( I also thought what a lovely idea, I have lost "Pip" and "Bean* and have a little charm on my purse for "Pip" it is a little silver footprint :(

Hi redbird12, yes i remember you too, what an awful place to meet up again. I was due 12/13th August. Its such an awful shock isn't it? I had some warning prior to my scan as i had bleeding , for me the shock was wiping and seeing blood , especially as it was how my MC over 20 years ago started. The bleeding settled and doctor in EPU gave encouraging signs (cervix closed, brown blood) but couldn't scan me for 2 days, so she was limited in what she could do. When the bleeding started again the next day I began fearing the worse. You don't ever get over it, but time helps.

I went into work yesterday and rather unusually my line manager was there (i work in an outreach post) . She began to tell me something important i had to do on Monday and i started saying I was not going to be able to come in on Monday and i'd write down why as i was too upset to discuss it, she asked one question and i started crying about having to go to hospital, then basically it came out. She asked if i wanted to go home, (yes!), and said it was only a job and not to worry she'd cover my Saturday shift and arrange cover for Monday. Then i have annual leave anyway. I'm due back at work exactly 2 weeks after I had the scan so i'm hoping it will be enough time . Slightly embarrassing leaving in front of the casual I had only just met (my colleague was away on annual leave- which was a blessing as i don't want her to know), then the ICT man was fixing something , and i'm usually very chatty with him, he looked bewildered as i left. I was back outside again within 10 minutes of arriving. Rest of the day was ok. Did some shopping i've been putting off and it was sunny. I didn't well up with tears when walking . Bought new waterproof mascara though. Night not so good. Tummy pains started and got worse. Felt upset.

i cancelled my pregnancy email subscriptions this morning- they always come on Sunday. Fairly painless. Now have to send back maternity exemption card. Not sure i can phone surgery yet to cancel 16 week MW appointment. I was wondering if they'd know anyway. I think my GP will get notification of me being in hospital. The EPU kept my maternity notes (they asked if i wanted them- no), so they have all my details. Does anyone know if they would email MW?

Blackcat - your GP should be sent a copy of your discharge letter so should deduce from that that you don't need a MW appointment. Having said that, I'm still going to ring and make sure they have cancelled my 16 wk appt and have done the same for my scans etc.

I would be 17 weeks today feel a bit shitty. my dh doesn't want to talk about it anymore i think its his way of coping guess women are different.

I am sorry your having a tough time blackcat. I am still struggling and its been 5 weeks and 2 days. still counting days at the mo.

take care ladies xx

i sent back maternity certificate and a maternity dress i bought in the sale today. Then cancelled my 16 week app with MW, had to keep it brief with receptionist as I was starting to get near to crying. Asked if the bloods MW took at booking were ok- as suspected they were all fine.

I still feel nauseous, nowhere near as much as before but still there at times. Tiredness getting better. Spotty skin is clearing (the spots i'm very grateful for now as to me they signify I had plenty of progesterone- highly unscientific I know but indulge me on that one). Belly still larger from placenta. Thursday and ERPC can't come round quick enough.

Hello,

I was 8 +5 today but started bleeding. Had been up all night with DD who had 39+ temp so was exhausted.

had lost the sore boobs recently and hadnt had many other symptoms over the last few weeks (touch of SPD) and started having cramps at the weekend so was sure it wasnt good news.

Had trouble getting into an EPU so had a private scan which confirmed that jellybean had died at about 6 weeks, must have been just after the scan I had which showed a heartbeat :-(

Just feel so sad.

so sorry to hear your sad news davidsmom. i'm hoping posting here will help me, i hope it helps you too.

Hope you are all doing OK.

Davidsmom sorry to hear your sad news. You are in good company here, a shoulder to cry on or practical advice, just let rip, I am sure the other ladies will help all they can. I continued to have morning sickness for about 3 weeks after baby had died, I think it takes a while for symptoms to cease.
I am so glad I started this thread, so sad to hear so many ladies joining us but hope it helps to know you are not alone.

Blackcat I sent my maternity certificate back last week, very sad.

No period for me yet, 3 weeks and 3 days since ERPC. I am off on holiday on Monday and just know it will come while I am away. We are leaving DD with PILfor 5 days and I am getting a little emotional about it so it is spoiling it for me at the moment. Silly really as DD goes there every Monday and loves it, she also stayed with them for 4 days when we went on our Honeymoon back in March. But she is so precious to me I hate the thought of leaving her :(

Thank you for the sympathy.

At 42 I knew I had a good chance of losing the little thing but having my 2 DC at 38 and 39 (just short of 40) for some reason thought I might "get away with it" Never had a MC before which is of course at my age pretty good luck so was going to run out some time....

It was a surprise pregnancy as DH was pretty adamant we wernt having any more than 2 and we thought we were being careful but I'd always wanted 3 and was beginning to think I'd get my dearest wish. But not meant to be...

At least I can take Ibuprofen now for the cramping and have had a few glasses of wine which may not have been the best move as very tearful now writing this.

Hi All, hope you are doing OK. Sorry again for your loss Davidsmom.

How are you doing today Heels - really hope your period arrives before your holiday. I can totally understand how you feel about leaving DD but you know she will be spoiled rotten and half a great time. My in-laws have had my DTD's quite a few extra nights over the last few weeks and it is hard being away from them but it is good to have some time to yourself too. Hope you have a lovely holiday anyway.

Had a few tears this morning as took a pregnancy test because the clinic instructed me to do so 3 weeks after the start of the medical management. Got a bit fat negative which I know is good as the last thing I want is any further complications but it was quite upsetting. It is like our baby is gone and there is no trace of him/her anywhere now!

Hope you are doing OK Swanseamum & everyone else. Blackcats I bought a maternity top from ASOS but haven't been able to bring myself to send it back so it is just tucked at the back of my wardrobe - so silly I know.

Hi All, so sorry for your losses davidsmum and blackcats I have had a better week. Last week was horrendous as was still bleeding heavily after the ERPC and felt really crap and just wanted to give up everything.

After a good chat with a friend i felt loads better and now the bleeding has stopped nearly i feel physically better. The emotional scars however will take longer to fade.

I think i just feel so cheated by it and had so many plans, it really hurts.

Love and hugs and a glass of vino for you all

Davidsmom your story is familiar to mine, I had DD at 39 after having an ectopic at 38. I feel like I have been cheated. But 42 is OK according to my midwife (she is fab). Would you consider trying again ? We are going to try but I am not holding out much hope, we so desperatly wanted 2 children as we are both only children. Were you offered an ERPC ?

Loublou I know you are right, she is just soooo precious now, she always was must now it is different. Lovely that your in laws are being so supportive by having your girls. You really do need some time for yourself don't you.

shomes sorry you have had a crap time after the ERPC :( but glad to hear you are feeling physically better. I found getting back to a normal routine really helped me.

I could really do with but trying to loose a few lbs before holiday. I felt quite sick with the pregnancy and as a result was eating lots of biege food. I amd now not pregnant but fat :(

Just lost a long post think I timed out. Annoying.

Went for medical management- probably bad idea I know.

Will post more tomorrow as BAD cramps now and going to take codeine and go to bed.

loulbout, it isn't silly. I kept the other dress, partly as it is unrecognisable as a maternity dress with a belt around it and is my usual style (tea dress) so i can definitely wear it , also kept it partly as a reminder and partly as i do hope to still get pregnant and see it through to full term.
I'm hopeful also as my MW said 43 was not unusual where I live. I do wonder how many have had assisted reproduction though. Donor eggs are not an option for us ( no money), but i know many women have natural conceptions in their 40s , so i can't see why it couldn't be us. Another woman on the due august thread was 43 and just had her 12 week scan, her baby was alive and kicking, it gives me hope.
DP and I don't live together and recently spent our first night apart after getting the sad news (my choice to have an evening alone), it was hard. Had him back last night which was much better. He's been great.
Hope everyone is doing ok today. davidsmom hope it isn't too awful. I have ERPC tomorrow and hoping it gives some closure.

Dear All, (Long and TMI warning!)
I typed a long message this morning then when tried to post it got asked for password again and I?d lost it. The second time- v frustrating. So third time lucky?

The early pregnancy unit I went to at St Marys, Manchester were fantastic. I?d been booked for another hospital by GP for yesterday afternoon but had had some problems with them before and when phoned St Mary?s to check if they saw patients without a referral and spoke to a lovely receptionist who explained all about the opening times, what they offered etc and who told me I was very welcome to come I decided to try there in the morning instead. (Cancelled the other one!)

Had another scan and confirmed no heartbeat. They explained that because it was very small (4mm) their and Royal college guidelines say that technically it could be an early pregnancy and not the 8-9 week one expected by my dates. So no heartbeat could mean it hadn?t developed that far, not that it had stopped developing (if you know what I mean) Now there is no way it was a new early pregnancy as haven?t been near DH in that way. But because I had the 6 week scan report with me stating that there was an embryo at a size consistent with dates and a heartbeat at that time they ?deviated from the protocol? after checking with the consultant and accepted I could have treatment. So although upsetting that I saw heartbeat and LO died soon after there was a good side to having had the early scan. Otherwise they would have refused to treat and scanned me in a week. That would not have been good for my sanity.

As I was already bleeding and cramping I opted for the medical management and took the first tablet at 6pm yesterday. The cramps were already at about 5-6/10 and escalated to about 8-9/10 over the next 6 hours. The codeine helped (30mg) and although woke up at 3am a hot water bottle helped. The bleeding was bad but only really when I went for a wee. Plan was to return on Thursday for pessaries and to stay in hospital until had passed the pregnancy. They discussed all 3 options, natural, medical management and surgical management (ERCP). Choice was mine and no pressure for any particular option. All clearly explained and although I had to go back in the afternoon to get the tablet and anti D because the blood group test took so long overall my "experience" was very good. They were all very understanding etc.

This morning I stopped having the cramps and started passing errr..?tissue? then this afternoon what was definitely the pregnancy sac. Did have a look but nothing really to see, probably as so early. The bleeding has reduced to what I would have as my heavy bit of a period.

Contacted the unit who have arranged a scan tomorrow morning and if nothing left can go home, if still ?stuff? then will have to go through with staying in. Am pretty sure its all gone but can see its best to make sure and get it all over with.

So not as horrendous as I expected although the pain was bad. I think I was well on my way anyway though and the tablet just got things going faster. Had been cramping for 2-3 days before I got the bleeding on Monday and as was supposed to be 8-9 weeks and LO only got to about 6 so suspect it had been happening naturally over the few weeks before. On balance think I did the right thing with the medical management. Of course when the scan says there is still stuff and go through hell tomorrow may be eating my words and wishing I had gone for the ERCP

Now on the emotional side not doing so well though?

blackcat my midwife was possitive and said she sees a higher % of mums over 30 than she does under, and quite a high % of those are 40+. Keep possitive it will happem.

Davidsmom hope you feel better soon.

Blackcats,

Thinking of you for tomorrow.

I definately feel a partial closure in that mentally I feel I am now "not pregnant" whereas yesterday if someone asked I would have said I was despite it obviously having died . Dont know if that makes sense?

Think I can now start to grieve. but not sure how to start

X POST with you Davidsmom so similar to me, luckily I had scan at 6 weeks too so they knew my dates were correct. Must be horrendous to be told to go away and come back, apparently it happens a lot as heartbeat can not be found until 6 weeks...very sad thing to happen.
Hope everything goes OK for you tomorrow :(

davidsmom really glad you had a fairly positive experience with medical management, so pleased you coped with it. As you say though the emotional side of things is different ball game entirely!! I had the week wait between first & second scan which was just torture because I knew my dates were right!

blackscat really hope ERPC goes ok tom, will be thinking of you.

shomes hope you are ok & coping. It is so sad isn't it & so hard to let go of your plans & dreams.

I too was worried about my age but my midwife assured me loads of women have successful pregnancies in their late 30s & 40's & so so many women of all ages m/c so we need to be positive. x