Just had 12 week scan, baby died at 8 weeks, what next ?

[HaveToWearHeels]

no heartbeat and baby measuring 8 weeks. I am so shocked as we had scan at 6 weeks due to previous ectopic and all was in the right place, have had no pains, no bleeding and was still having sickness until 2 weeks ago.

Scan lady was lovely and made appointment for me to go back to discuss my options with doctor. Obviously I have been carrying a dead baby around in me for 4 weeks which I just can't compute at the moment :( What can I expect tomorrow ? I would like to arm myself with as much info as possible.

On the emotional side I am a mess. I have DD who is 2 and I desperatley what her to have have a sibling, but at nearly 42 and one tube this now seems like a distant dream. I somehow feel that I was the custodian of this baby for me and DH and I have failed.

[grippingon]

My heart really does go out to all of you on this thread.

Regarding waiting 3 months, as I understand it that advice was reviewed a while back and not necessarily something to stick to. Talking from personal experience, I became pregnant quite unexpectedly and without trying straight after my 2nd miscarriage, and I had had two in a row. This makes me think that maybe the info about being most fertile straight after a miscarriage could be true?

Lots of love and luck to all of you xxxx

[tazzcat]

Ladies this is my first time on mumsnet although my DS is now 6 years old. So sorry to hear all of your sad stories and I wish you all a speedy recovery both mentally and physically in your own personal journeys. Picked this thread up by fluke and felt compelled to share my story with you.

I had a MMC last April 4 weeks after my 40th Birthday. Picked up at 12 week scan that baby had died a couple of weeks earlier. I had spotting that week, there were no obvious signs that there was a problem. My first pregnancy I had this all the way through but i had healthy baby. Morning sickness had just started to ease off so everything tied in with the timelines. My biggest fear about the scan was about abnormalities, due to my age, this was not on my radar at all. Hospital handled it really well and were very sympathetic, but as it was a Friday afternoon I had to goto my local hospital on the Monday to see if i could be booked in for the ERPC, they were also great but were fully booked so I took a booking at another hospital. Fortunately we had not announced the pregnancy to anyone, so there was no-one to untell. In between that I had a pre-booked pamper day with all of my girlfriends and family so had to be the biggest actress and pretend that the last 12 weeks hadnt happened, lets say I drank a lot that day. I went for ERPC the following Wednesday and had the pain of buying sanitary pads and painkillers, same thing that you would do to prepare for having a baby, felt very surreal. The hospital that carried out procedure did the best they could but it was a miserable place all of us were there for the same reason, and we all had to get there first thing in the morning (6.30), but there was no set time for when we would be taken down for surgery. I happened to be last, so spent several hours crying or listening to other women sobbing their hearts out too. I was given a sick note for 2 weeks, which was more for the emotional side than physical, and I took it, didnt realise how much i would need it. Went through the whole range of emotions of what could have been. Hardest thing I had to deal with was cancelling my next midwife appointment and 2nd scan, and it took a few weeks for the letters to stop coming as it hadnt caught up that my pregnancy had ended. Physically I recovered very quickly and my periods kicked in like clockwork, giving me hope that i could try again. Also blood and urine samples taken by midwife came back as normal. Having my DS also kept me sane.

The curveball that I didnt see coming was that DDH announced that he didnt want to try again not now or ever. Brought up many excuses about our age and other random things. As posted by someone earlier, this hit me harder than the actual MMC, felt as though the rug had been pulled from under my feet. We hit an impasse and have been there for over 8 months (he has refused to have sex and I have refused to take precautions!), he wouldnt even discuss it, and because I hadnt told anyone close to me, more or less had to deal with the pain and upset on my own. Have been in a very lonely sad place since that time. I feel we have turned the corner now and just before Xmas a chain of events happened that forced the discussion, it had hit him very hard but he just kept it to himself and is worried it could go wrong again. Have agreed that we will try to be "us" for a while then maybe try again, he seems happy with that. However, I am just watching the months go by with my 41st birthday looming and potentially this might never happen, or if it does, my risk of not having a safe pregnancy increases with each passing month.

Everyone has their own way of dealing with things, but I think going for ERPC was better for me, the thought of carrying dead baby was too much to deal with and allowed my body to kick back into normal cycle more quickly. Emotionally I didnt handle it well by keeping it all secret, think it has not really given me an outlet, ditto for DDH, that has held us back and has made our marriage suffer. If you have child(ren) already then allow the distraction of having them help you get back to some normality and focus on what you do have rather than what you dont. For those of you who haven't got there yet, don't give up hope, there are so many who eventually go on to have healthy babies.

Best of luck to you all.
xxx

[RIBS]

Hi everyone.
Sorry to everyone in the same boat. I dont know a single person who has gone thru what I have - which is the good thing about mumsnet. You feel like your not alone.

I also had MMC discovered at 12wk scan, pregnancy failed at about 8 wks, 2 weeks b4 xmas and we were going on hol day after boxing day.

I would recommend anyone to have a ERPC. I wanted the ERPC but my hospital registrar told me I wasnt a priority I HAD to have the Medical Management and I had to wait a week to have that. I think I coped pretty well with the whole miscarriage bit. But all I could think was I was carrying around a dead baby.

I told them my bits are really awkward and dont work very well and the Med management wouldnt wk. It was very painful - then they started pulling at my insides - trying to pull out the "tissue". It was fucking barbaric. Still wouldnt come out. STILL wouldnt have me an ERPC. I had to stay in (due to blood pressure drop - no wonder!!) and go thru it all again the next day. They finally agreed to give me an ERPC, I had it just 5 days before xmas day, 7 days before I went on hol.

I am still traumatised by the whole event - i dont traumatise easily!! I am desperately hoping to get pregnant again straight away, but horrified in case this happens again. Im in the process of obtaining private medical insurance as theres no way anyone should have to go thru 2 days of pain.

If id wanted an abortion id of been in and out and sorted without question. Id lost a much longed for baby, which is bad enough without having to deal with all the other crap. Sorry its a long post.

Good luck to everyone and again, ERPC all the way!! XXXXX

[shomes]

Hi ribs and tazz sorry to hear the ordeals you have been through, its horrendous that they didn't offer you a EPRC absolutely awful.

I'm trying to feel a bit calmer today as getting angry about it all is making me feel worse and i feel like i'm taking it out on DS and DH! I think the worst thought is that i was going to be finishing work and staying at home to take my son through his first year of school being there everyday to drop and pick him up and now i'm going to be stuck in my job until i get pregnant again :(

[HaveToWearHeels]

Redbird so glad things went OK with the ERPC. Just a little warning that the last couple of days I have had a bit of cramping pain, nother major but it did take me by suprise. As for waiting three months, my hospital said to wait one cycle, but that was mainly for dating purposes rather than anything else. My experience after my Ectopic was I was VERY fertile as I conceived 8 days after the tube removal after trying for over a year with the ectopic. So I would say go for it :)

Tazz thanks for sharing your story, I could have written this myself (even down to being the last one to go down) although I am a little older than you at 42 in June. So sorry to hear that things with your DH are difficult, I really do hope they work out for you. My DH was negative at first but is now up for trying again, although we have both decided if I am not pregnant by October this year we will stop trying, as due date would be around my 43td Birthday and we don't want to be any older with a new born.

LoubLou and RIBS both your stories have made me so angry. It really is a post code lottery isn't it. Like you said RIBS if you had wanted an abortion it would have been done without all this trauma. Looking back on this thread it shows that those that have an ERPC can move on sooo much quicker, neither of you should have had to go through what you have. My heart really goes out to you both xx

[SwanseaMum]

Ribs i feel for you i really do.

Had a counselling session today have to pay for it privately because my grief is not a priority on the nhs. I am absolutely exhausted and really struggled to let my barriers down cause i don't like not being in control. Like you shomes I was planning yo finish work and now I am stuck there in a job that I hate. Its so crap :( thinking of you all xx

[loubloutwinmum]

Hi ladies, sorry I have been AWOL but had the most horrendous 48 hours! To cut a horrendously long story short, having medical management was the worst decision ever. Basically the first lot of tablets brought on the miscarriage very fast & I ended up in A&E Weds night. I honestly didn't realise I would have contractions & have to go through labour for 12 hours. It was horrendous & had to be examined, have tissues manually pulled out. My DH was so traumatized watching all this. I was in such a state yesterday morning that when I got to the clinic to supposedly have the 2 nd lot of pills to bring on miscarriage, I just broke down when the nurse said I still had to have them to make sure everything was gone. In the end I saw a male gynae doc & he was amazing, finally a bit of luck. He listened & organized an ultrasound for me & it showed I had passed pregnancy sac & the remaining products were already in the cervix. So he said if they'd given me the pills I probably would have had a major bleed in the car on way home. He then spent about 30 mins just talking, reassuring me & DH & gave me lots of pain killers & I came home. I am still bleeding but pain is manageable! I am just emotional & physically exhausted!

I wish they made it very very clear that medical management means you will labour & have contractions & it truly was agony. I feel so much better today thank goodness but am going to slowly build myself back up. DH & I can now start to get our heads around what has happened & actually grieve for the baby we lost & for any future babies as we really don't feel we can chance going through this again so I am feeling quite sad but think it is the only sensible decision for our family.

Sorry this is a me me me post but will catch up abit more over the next few days now I'm back in the land of the living. Thinking of you all.

[AwayWithTheFaries]

oh gosh lou thats what happened to me but i hemmoriged and ended losing over 2 pints of blood in recuss and emergency surgery! glad your feeling a bit better
if i have another misscarrige i wont have the medical mangment
((((hugs)))) xx

[shomes]

loublou so sorry for what you have had to endure the last couple of weeks, what a horrendous ordeal. I sincerely hope that you will recover well and get some time to heal and you and your DH work through the future together.

I am incredibly nervous about the scan on monday even though i know in myself its over so am just hoping they give me the EPRC very quickly and i can have the closure.

Big hugs to you all swansea mum the counselling will be worth it even though it must have been an ordeal to be shoved out by the NHS as non priority. xxxx

[Redbird12]

Loublou just seen your latest post and wanted to say how sorry I am that you have had to go through this, it is bad enough emotionally losing a baby anyway without having to go through all that physical suffering as well and i think it is awful it wasn't all explained properly to you so you could make a more informed choice. Also, agree with heels it is a bit of a postcode lottery as to whether the ERPC is offered straight away and if so, how long you are made to wait - without private medical insurance through work, it could have been about 10 days for me. I hope the worst is over for you now and you start to feel better soon.

Tazz & Ribs, thank you for sharing your stories, it does help to hear from others who have gone through this & I hope you both get pg again soon and have safe, healthy pregnancies. DH and I will be trying as soon as my cycle gets back to normal. Thanks for the advice as well grippingon.

Swansea and Shomes totally understand your frustrations about still having to work, i had just got my head around this and timings all worked out for mat leave, now I feel like all my plans have been swept away and don't know what to think or whether to plan anything as not sure if I will get pg again quickly or whether it could take months or longer. Also conscious that as ended up having to tell work will they just all be waiting for me to announce I am pg again.

Shomes hope it all goes well on Monday. Wishing everyone on here a better weekend as i think most of us have had a tough few days, lots of love and hugs xxx

[HaveToWearHeels]

Loublou sounds bloody horrendous, really hope you are on the road to feeling better now. No woman should have to go through what you have, so unfair to loose a much wanted baby and then have to go through this physically.

Redbird know how you feel about plans being scupperd (sp ??). I get 20 days holiday at work if we need more we have to buy it, I usually do as I have to cover childminders holiday but i didn't buy any this year as 1) I was going on Maternity leave and Childminders holiday was while I was off 2)buying holiday would reduce the amount of maternity pay I would receive.

Also we go to Turkey to our apartment every June but wouldn't be able to go as baby due July, so managed to get PIL to have DD for a week and booked a rather expensive (last chance) holiday for just DH and I in Feb. Now we will also need our June holiday so need to save up money for that.
Then there is me changing back to full time hours from now until June so I could maximise maternity pay, now I am stuck doing full time :( with no end in site.

[loubloutwinmum]

Morning ladies, how are you all doing? Thinking of you today Shomes, hope it goes ok & you get the follow up treatment you want.

I am really struggling to be honest! Ended up back in A&E Friday night as it all kicked off again. Turns out the pregnancy products were stuck in neck of my womb so I had to have them manually removed which was grim.

I just feel so awful now! Signed off from work for another week as emotionally a mess & can't seem to get my arse in gear to do anything at all. I am going through motions of thing I have to do but can't motivate myself at all. Feel so low & can't begin to understand how I can fix this! I want my baby back & want the last 2 weeks of pain to be forgotten. Feel really weak & pathetic & struggling to open up to DH!!! Just want to curl up in a ball & cry. Feel pathetic. When will this start to feel better??

[shomes]

oh loublou i feel for you i really do, no one should have to go through what you have gone through its not fair. You need to take the time to grieve properly and make sense of the trauma you have been through and what your body has been through, then maybe it will start to get better but i am no psychologist!

I went for the second scan today, they saw nothing just an 8 week sac which is obviously not right at nearly 14 weeks ( as i should be now). I have gone ahead with booking the EPRC for wednesday so i'm hoping to draw a line under the whole thing after that and get on. Sounds simple but i'm not sure how i'll feel on my own with no one there after the op :(

[SwanseaMum]

Well ladies got a bloody infection now completely in bits totally sucks really don't need this now!!!

loublou sweetheart I am totally understanding where you are coming from. It is exactly how I feel just been signed off work for 2 weeks just can't cope with being surrounded by people who can't understand my grieve. I am 3weeks and 3 days since losing my baby, I have had several meltdowns but the rest of the time i feel numb. I had everything exactly where i wanted it life is so unfair :( I am having counselling but its early days as I cannot explain my grief. With everything you have gone through it will probably take a long time to get over this and even then you won't forget. I am told it will get easier but at the moment I can't see the end of the tunnel and no doubt you won't either. Rest up and take time to heal. xx

*shomes you defiantly made the right choice hun hope it goes ok xxxc

[loubloutwinmum]

Thanks shomes & swanseamum, it helps to know you understand, I feel it is so difficult to talk about in RL. Glad you have your ERPC booked Shomes & really hope it all goes as well as it possibly can.

Sorry to hear you have an infection swanseamum, this really is the gift that keeps giving eh! Thanks for sharing how you are feeling, it is comforting to know I'm not alone, although I wouldn't wish this pain on anyone else.

Today has been my worst day by far, just feel so low & helpless. Going to try & have heart to heart with DH tonight as I know I'm shutting him out.

[SwanseaMum]

Thinking of you shomes today.

Not in a good place today :(

[HaveToWearHeels]

Shomes was thinking of you today, hope things went as well as they could today and you are feeling a little bit better.

[EllenandBump]

I just wanted to say i am so very sorry for your loss. Cant realy add anymore on your options front. Personally i would go for an erpc. I had two missed miscarriage, mine were both between 8 and 9 weeks. The first one i had medical management, which was very painful and traumatic, the second i had an erpc, under general anaesthetic, which was less painful and i was home the same day and it was complete.

Again my heart goes out to you. x

[bonzo77]

Just a quick check in, hoping shomes your ERPC went as smoothly as mine, swansea and loublou that you are feeling if not actually any better, no worse, and that you are getting the RL love and support you need. heels I suppose at least with working all these hours, at least you will have more £££ for that holiday in June. I know it's easier said than done, but don't stay in a shitty shitty job you hate because you've put your life on hold with pg and TTC. It's so tempting, but this whole thing is rubbish enough, without spending most of your waking hours doing something you hate. Obviously it's easier said than done, but there is no harm looking at jobs and going to interviews, if only to see what's available.

[Redbird12]

Hi all, also just checking in to see how everyone is. Been back at work this week and busy so that has occupied a lot of my time and thoughts, not sure if this is a good or bad thing! Physically now feeling fine, emotionally still hard and although work know, most people seem to be going for avoiding the issue. I know they don't know what to say but it's still a bit weird like pretending nothing has happened. I hope everyone else on here is doing ok this week as much as you can, appreciate the continued support x

[EllenandBump]

Talking, crying being busy, whatever you find helps you cope with it is fine, there is no rule book which says you should do/ feel this or that, its a personal experience and everyone handles it differently. Being busy does keep your mind active but letting out the hurt helps too. Dont be afraid to cry. My heart goes out to all you lovely ladies who have loved and lost a baby or babies.

[shomes]

Hi Ladies, ERPC went fine yesterday although i was very fuzzy and wobbly until i got some sleep at about 8pm yesterday. Still feeling a little confused today but hardly any bleeding and no pain surprisingly. It was definitely the option to go for, bit lonely as no one was there with me (parents looking after DS and DH at work ) but got through it and parents were great as was DH.

Hoping you are all bearing up ok and that you get the resolutions you need,hoping that we all have some future success and no further heartbreak, not just in having babies but with everything xxx

[loubloutwinmum]

Shomes so glad it went well for you yesterday, was thinking of you. Please take some time for yourself & hope the coming days, weeks aren't too tough for you!

I've had some good days & some really really bad days! Physically I'm doing ok but bleeding is bit unpredictable, some days it is so light it has almost gone & then suddenly gets really heavy again. Have made myself go out & do some stuff this week, just food shopping & coffee with a friend. Also saw my sister in law & 6 month nephew yesterday which was lovely & difficult in equal measures. Had bit of a meltdown afterwards but think it did me good in a way!

I still feel so vulnerable though, bit scared when I'm out in case something happens & I can't cope with it. Just someone saying something or being rude to me, can't ex

[loubloutwinmum]

Sorry posted too soon... Can't explain it really but don't like vulnerable feeling!!!

Anyway, better get on with the day! Swanseamum hope you are feeling it better today. Hope everyone else is doing ok too.

[HaveToWearHeels]

morning all

Bonzo Sorry if my post sounded negative, I actually like my job and liked being part time (4 days) but 5 days was OK for the 6 months til I went off.
I work with a fab team who have been so supportive and lovely since I came back on Wednesday. My Boss has been great so really happy on the whole.

Loublou sorry to hear that your nightmare is continuing. You feeling scared of going out incase anything happens is completely natural, i would be the same. I do feel like a bit of fresh air does you good though and pleased to hear you are getting out and about.

Shomes glad to hear ERPC went well. I was the same as you after but after about 2-3 days got some period type pains so just be warned. I just took paracetamol snd that took the edge off it.

This might be TMI for some but DH and I have started trying again I am a little obsessed and think I am scaring him a little though, but getting pregnant again is keeping me going. I have pregnancy tests bought and also ovulation test sticks. I had an ectopic in 2008 and fel for DD 8 days later which I think is making me a little more optemistic than I should be, just need to reign it in a bit I think.