Tips for coping with the practicalities of miscarriage

[comeonbishbosh]

I?ve just had mc2, which has been emotionally more upsetting than mc1, but I coped a heck of a lot better on the practical side of managing it. And I realise that through the pregnancy books are full of tips on what types of sweets to pack in your hospital bag for labour, we?re pretty short of simple tips to make the sheer yuckiness of going through a miscarriage a little more bearable. I know there?s going to be big variations in people?s experience, and this is in no way to overrule any medical advice you get. But at least it might be a starting point.

For info, I had mc1 8 months ago, didn?t realise I was pg at the time (just come off breastfeeding DD, had massive problems conceiving before) but was probably 8-12 weeks. Didn?t realise it was actually a mc until a lot of mess later. MC2 was a few days ago, had a bit more notice as knew I was 8 wk pregnant, had been increasingly bleeding, and knowing a bit more what it was like through mc1. Neither time I needed to go to hospital.

So, this is what I would suggest helps from my experience, all offered as suggestions that may or may not apply to your situation!

1. Once you realise the bleeding has started in earnest, get home as soon as you can. You will probably need to sit on the loo for the next 1-3 hours, and that?s far nicer to do in the comfort of your own home.

2. If you need to travel in a car, sit on a plastic bag. (My 1st mc started at work, and by the time my DH came and picked me up in the car I had bleeding all down my trousers... it?s not glamorous).

3. Cancel everything, get childcare if you need it. The first time in the midst of the bleeding I tried to keep going, a builder came round to give me a quote for some work, DH went out on a pre-arranged cinema trip and I was putting DD to bed on my own. However hard it is to get a builder to quote, this was stupid priorities! Also, I now know best not to be left without another adult within shouting distance.

4. Settle in for the long haul. My mc2 was overnight, and I essentially camped out in the bathroom with magazines, world service on the radio, short scurries downstairs to make a hot chocolate. It was still horrible. But not unremittingly so.

5. Hot water bottles or hot wheatbags are great. And painkillers.

6. Get top quality sanitary pads, supersize. The maternity ones might be good for the first few hours if you can?t just sit on the loo, but they will make you miserable with their ungainliness. This is not a time to economise on the cheap versions.

7. If your mc kicks off at an evening or weekend, I found phoning my GPs ?out of hours? service loads more helpful, straightforward and kind than I have ever found NHS direct.

8. If take a pg test when you are miscarrying, it should come out positive. This is useful if, like me on mc1, I didn?t know I was pg at the time.

9. Take more time off work than you think. You are very much allowed to mooch.

Please do add any more tips. It goes without saying that I hope you and I never need these (again)?

so my dates could be completely wrong as I stopped my pill on the 28th December 2015 and had my withdrawal bleed on the 2nd January so the dates they have are only based upon my last period day which they have taken as the 2nd January hence them thinking I am around 12 weeks but the fetous is apparently 8 week? I have had a vaginal examination and they couldn't pick up a heart beat and apparently my sac isn't looking like a sac should be like round irs abit misshaped ? I don't know what to think
they haven't done a blood test today no jist a urine sample xx

First of all, please please pin this thread. It has been so useful to me already. There are a lot of helpful details in here that aren't on any NHS or charity information sites that I've seen so far.

My experience so far: first ever pregnancy at the age of 38. Slight bleeding at 11 weeks, into EPU the day after. I was convinced it was bleeding from my cervix or something, as it was a small amount of fresh, pink blood. The scan showed the baby had stopped growing at 7 weeks, which seems to be a remarkably common story. There was no heartbeat. I was told I'd had a silent miscarriage and given the options of conservative or medical management, with the possibility of surgical management if that didn't work. Everyone at EPU was lovely.

I was in absolute shock and went home to think about it with DH (and cry a lot). I did some Googling and convinced myself that maybe I'd just got my dates wrong, and the pregnancy was just a lot earlier on than I'd thought. I was glad I hadn't taken the medication straight away, and decided to wait and see.

However, the day after the scan I started to bleed more, the blood was darker and I started to get cramps like period pains. I have now accepted that the pregnancy is over, hard though it is to say (and to write it down here). I am now considering whether to go and get the tablets to hurry things up. I had no idea that miscarriages could take days or weeks until I read this thread, and I just want it over with so we can try again.

I have been wondering what other people have done about telling other people who didn't know about the pregnancy in the first place. Have you kept it very private? Did you put it on Facebook? I'm not telling anyone at work as I don't want my career to suffer in any way. But I do feel I'd like to be open with friends and family, for myself, for any of them who might have been through it, and to do my little bit to make it OK in society to talk about miscarriage. I'd welcome your views and experiences.

I'm sorry for your loss Becky

I can't help with the medical management question, as I had surgical management - found out about the MMC at 10am and was in theatre by 6pm, then home by 10pm

However on the who did it tell question - I've been very very open. Friends and family knew I was having IVF, because it was more stressful to try and keep it secret - and I welcome the support. So they knew about the pregnancy, as I figured if I miscarried (as indeed I did) I would also welcome the support, rather then carrying around this silent grief. I already knew a lot of my friends had had at least one miscarriage, but there were others I didn't know about at all, and by being open I got both practical and emotional support. A friend who's had 4 miscarriages gave me brilliantly practical advice about what to expect from the ERPC, and others have just been amazingly supportive. It's a very personal decision but I absolutely found being open felt like the right thing to do, and I will absolutely be open again about our next cycle, whatever the outcome. Thinking of you

Firstly Becky I'm so sorry for your loss. I had a MC on 12th March and for me the best thing to do was be honest with everyone. For some reason it helped me to talk about it. However, I really regret telling my work. I am glad I was honest but it has already affected my career and since I've been back they have advertised for a portion of my job that I had been doing (successfully) on a one year contract. They say that it's nothing to do with the MC! However you should do what is best for you, telling my friends and family was helpful. I initially didn't want to talk or see anyone but I forced myself to let people in and I was grateful in the end. I'm really sorry you're going through this.

hi becky I have had the same as you with regards to the silent miscarriage - I found out when I was 12 weeks just going for my 12 week scan and found out the fetus stopped growing at 6 weeks and my sac was 9-10 weeks.
I went to the hospital Friday (1st April) for them to do the internal scan to conform no heartbeat- after my scan j had a chat with the doctor she told me I would need to come back a week later ( this Friday 8th) and just do another scan to confirm no heartbeat and no growth as there so confused about my dates so in the same boat as you.
Royal Berks only do surgical management or will let nature take its course which I never know how long or when it'll happen. I cannot do surgery I am the biggest wimp with being put to sleep you can imagine so I have decided to look else where for the tablet to hurry it all along- I have found frimley park hospital does medical management and after Friday I am going to call them and ask to be refered for medical management as After speaking to frimley hospital today they said that would be okay for me to call them Friday after I had to give them all my details today they are lovely and I am going to do medical just to receive some sort of closure from this whole experience. hope your okay xxx

Thanks for your supportive messages. I have taken your advice and spoken with several close friends about our miscarriage. Yes, the conversations made me cry again but I felt they helped. I have also drafted a post for FB, as no work colleagues are on there and I feel it will help me be open without having to start multiple difficult conversations.

With regard to the medical management, I had the misoprostol 6.5 hours ago and... nothing. No sickness, no diarrhoea, no bleeding, no cramps. Apparently it can take a long time to work or may not work at all. I am to contact EPU 48 hours after the medication so we'll see if anything has happened by then. For now, DH and I are sitting round the house wondering why we've taken the day off work (and probably tomorrow, and the next day too). I just want it over with now!

Oh bless you :( i hope for your sake it happens soon so it can be all over and you can grieve properly!
I am set to take that Friday or Monday. so can you let me know if it works for you and what symptoms and pains you have please if that's okay ccc

Hi everyone. So sorry some of you are still in limbo and waiting for things to happen. I was told the medical management is 85% successful so it doesn't work for everyone. Just something to bare in mind.
I waited and my miscarriage finally started on easter Sunday (3 weeks 2 days after the initial spotting started) I bled for 3 days reasonably heavy but I certainly didn't have to hide out in the bathroom for any amount of time. Normal sanitary towels were fine. I had a few cramps but only on the same par as period pains. I had stopped bleeding completely by Thursday and feel pretty back to normal now.
I sent a thank you card to the ladies at my EPU yesterday. They were just so amazing. They deserved some recognition. Thinking of you all. xx

Well a quick update for you, which I hope will be useful information to everyone reading at a later date too.

I did know that the medical management might not work, but by "not work" I had assumed that meant the cramping and bleeding might not pass everything out of the uterus. I had not realised that "not work" can also mean absolutely no effect. NICE guidelines say that the medication should be placed inside your vagina for best effect, but my hospital had me swallow the tablets - I will be asking why that was, as perhaps it would have worked better with vaginal administration.

I was totally braced for impact, and it has been a huge frustration that my body simply has not responded to the misoprostol at all. I feel somewhat cheated. I was ready to go through the ordeal of cramping and passing what's in my uterus, almost like a rite of passage. But that simply hasn't happened. I have now lost all my pregnancy symptoms (boobs no longer swollen, no nausea), so now I'm a normal, fit, healthy woman just wandering about knowing that I have the remains of a pregnancy inside me. So frustrating. I can't deal with the emotional trauma until the physical process is over.

Reading the available research on the pharmacokinetics of misoprostol, it seems that if it's going to have any effect it will start within 6 hours of taking it. NICE guidelines say that if nothing has happened after 24 hours of taking misoprostol, the EPU should sort out with you what to do next (another dose or surgical management). But my hospital, in their wisdom, have a policy of leaving it 48 hours so I've had an extra day in limbo knowing that nothing would change. I've been in today and am booked in for surgical management tomorrow (that will be 4 days after taking the medication and a week after my miscarriage was diagnosed). I am relieved to have a plan that will almost certainly bring this nightmare to an end soon, well the physical part anyway.

So, another practical tip from me: be prepared for both you and your partner to need lots of time off work. I can book these as sick leave, but my poor hubby has had to take a whole week's annual leave to take me in and out of hospital most days and to be in the house in case I need help (I haven't needed help, but you are advised to have someone available and anyway my husband has just wanted to be with me throughout).

Please don't let my experience put you off medical management of miscarriage. It does work for most people, and quite quickly too. You just need to be mentally prepared for the possibility that either you'll have the contractions but won't pass everything out, or that the drugs will simply not affect you at all.

Pregnancy is too risky. I hope that any mums suffering from mc can recover ASAP. I know it's difficult but the suggestions given by comeonbisbosh were too informative and helpful.

Hope you can get the surgical management over and done with Becky. I found my ERPC physically a walk in the park - no pain or discomfort, minimal bleeding

Unfortunately it’s possible there may be retained products as after 3 weeks I am still getting blazing BFPs and my body appears not to have clocked that I’m not supposed to be pregnant any more. Consultant said it could take up to 4 weeks for hCG levels to return to 0, but as my BFPs aren’t any lighter at all, it’s not looking promising. Seeing him for follow up on Monday (when we get the genetic testing results to see if there are any answers for why the mc happened) so will get scanned and have bloods taken then. So bored of this. I’m not bleeding, I’m not in pain, but my body just doesn’t realise I’m not pregnant. So maybe there are retained products? Don’t know. Just fed up

Oh Becky how awful that it's all been prolonged for this amount of time. I didn't realise you could have the misoprostal orally I was only ever told by my EPU it would be given as pessaries. It was this (as i'd have to lie down for an hour while they dissolved with two toddlers running around) along with the 85% chance of it working that put me off going down this route. I hope the surgery goes well for you.

Banana I was told to do a pregnancy test a week after my last scan (the scan had confirmed everything had come away properly) I did that test this morning and still got a positive. I'm assuming it's just taking a really long time for my HCG to go back to 0. Will do another test at the weekend and see what result I get.

This is a brilliant thread. It's really helping me. I'm having mc2 now and was still mystified as to what to expect. Just knowing other people know how I feel helps as DH really tries but can't understand. Even my mum said I should rest for a day then when it's over I should just pull my socks up. A day! The first was 8 weeks. I don't think anyone understands this as it's not talked about at all.

1st time went for the scan was asked by the nurse 'who told you you were pregnant? ' Then she sent me to A&E where I sat for 9 hrs until They said the baby had died at around 8 weeks and I should just go home and wait.

1st time I had the hospital route as I thought it would be over quickest. It wasn't. So my tips are as follows:

In hospital take a bag of supplies.
Wipes, pads painkillers ( they won't automatically bring those things to you and it's nice to not have to ask) a comfortable robe. Water and something to distract you. I couldn't read but listened to radio with earphones.

When home take plenty of time off if you can. Get blankets to sit on and the best biggest best quality pads and pain killers.

This time I was 6 weeks and it happened spontaneously. So I've made myself a nest in the bedroom. Box set to watch, warm cat to use as hot water bottle and this thread to read to reassure myself I'm not bonkers.

Doctor wasn't that helpful last time and just gave DH a printout . A leaflet on what to expect / what to watch out for would have been very useful. Apparently 8 weeks solid bleeding wasn't normal but I'd no idea. I eventually nearly fainted at work and A&E gave me something to slow the bleeding. But until then I didn't realise anything could be done.

Thanks guys. X

Hello everyone- I still haven't managed to get anywhere from the last post with my treatment as we've had to have another growth scan and still no change. Have to ring the hospital today that I am receiving medical management off and hopefully be booked in for this Friday for the tablet... I know a lot of people choose this option as to surgery but then some do choose surgery I just want your feedback from people who have took the tablet just so I know if it did work for you and all the tissue came away? and if you had to have a follow up scan after the tablet to make sure it was all gone. Thankyou :)

Can anyone give me any advice please
I took the pessaries on Friday evening to start off the miscarriage I have literally not no pain at all but the bleeding started at 4am this morning and lasted till around 9-10am since then it's not been any thing like it was and when I go for a wee its like the bleeding has stopped? I have passed a lot of clots and a lot of blood but it seems like it's stopped now? is that a good thing or could that mean it hasn't worked

So scan showed abit of retained products left in me- the doctor said its nothing to worry about as the worst is overV but the scan lady told me something different she told me that there was a lot left inside but the doctor said the worst was over :/ I am abir confused tbh but they don't want to see me for any re scan only unless I want one ? is that a good thing or bad thing do you think

Hi all. So sorry for everyone experiencing loss here - there are so many of us in this club of super strong ladies (even if we don't feel it a lot of the time).

So like many others I just experienced my first miscarriage (first pregnancy) - died at 6 weeks and discovered at 9 weeks but didn't pass naturally until 12 weeks (not part of the plan but after 2 scans the hospital refused to confirm my diagnosis to allow me to go through the treatment - that's another story). Thank you to everyone who has written on here - it was good to have the practical advice for how to get through it - the information they give you is just not enough. Through talking to friends who have experienced it I also felt like I knew what to expect as well - how much pain and the amount of blood loss etc - it is different for everyone of course but for me I assumed that a 6 week miscarriage would be small - boy was I wrong! Anyway I am 2 days out now and my body is slowly recovering (weirdly because of the amount of time it took to get to this point, the emotional recovery is way ahead of the physical now).

The advice on this thread was completely amazing ladies. Just wanted to add a couple of extra pieces of advice from my side:

1. Buy those lilac coloured sanitary disposal bags from boots... these took me back 20 years to when my mum bought my supplies for my first period so mega nostalgia (who knew using sanitary towels could make you feel like you're 12 again eh) but they were great for making things feel cleaner and less gross. I had a million of them in the bin by the time the night was over but it didn't feel too gross.
2. When you start to feel the pain and you know it's going to happen, line everything up in the bathroom - sanitary towels, wipes, bags but also extra clothes as I found that I got quite cold sitting there even for 15 minutes or so - extra layers are good. Plus extra knickers and leggings/pyjama bottoms in case of leaks.
3. Also sort out your bed (or have someone sort it for you) - get all the pillows you have plus cushions so that you can make yourself comfy. Have some dark coloured towels to hand (or pads as others have suggested...I didn't buy these) so you can put them under your hips for when you feel like sleeping (which eventually you will - after a while I got so tired that I just had to pop a couple of codeine pills to knock me out and sleep for a couple of hours).
4. There's a reason why they use those bouncy gym balls during labour...for me moving about when I was experiencing the contraction-like pains (thanks to my friend for letting me know that this can happen as it would have been a massive scary shock otherwise) really helped with the pain. Also I found meditation cushions and yoga bolsters fab to make me comfy - you can lay over them or use them to gently move over when you are in pain. Makes it sound dramatic but it isn't really - the aim is to keep yourself comfortable even if you're putting your body in funny positions!
5. Get a few supplies from the supermarket in - make sure you have plenty of tea bags (we ran out just as it was starting!! shock horror) but sweet tea was a real saviour, also get bread as I found toast with jam was a good pick me up when I got tired. My boyfriend feeding me mini triangles of jam toast at 4am in bed was a new place for our relationship haha. But also get some sports bottles or straws - you will need to drink lots so you don't get dehydrated but once you've reached the bed stage if you're like me your belly muscles don't seem to do what you want them to do and you need to drink lying down. Straws would have helped massively with this :-)
6. And finally, even though it all sounds so scary (I was incredibly scared before it happened to me) know that once it all starts your body sort of takes over and handles it all (similar to labour I should think...perhaps I'll let you know about that one day haha). It was strange for me - once the process started I wasn't scared anymore - nature just takes over and carries you through whatever is to come. We women have super strong bodies and even though I'd never been pregnant before mine just knew what to do when the time came.

Love to all who are going through this.

I also wanted to add a few tips for people supporting friends going through this as I have seen some friends posting on here. At times I was a bit underwhelmed by my friends responses but I think it's because they just didn't know how to handle it.

So here are some things:

1. Saying something is better than saying nothing. Silence is the most lonely place to be. One of the most comforting things a friend said to me was when I told her I didn't want to chat one evening and she said that it was fine but that she would check on me in a couple of days. Just knowing that I was in her thoughts and that she would come back to me was a real comfort. That said...never ever ever ever drop the 'at least you can get pregnant' bomb. This feels very ouchy. No one gets a prize for just being able to get pregnant.
2. Don't feel like you have to fix it for your friend - this is natural to want to make things better when you see her in a lot of pain emotionally and physically but no one can 'fix' it for her. A lot of people said things to me about trying again, thinking to the future and that sort of stuff. For someone who is going through a missed miscarriage this can be very hard to take if the baby is still inside your body. Even though it feels like you're trying to give your friend hope, what they really need is for you to be there in the moment with the pain, with them. Acknowledging that it's shit is the best thing, because thinking too far into the future kind of demeans any grief they might be feeling right now, no matter how well meaning you are.
3. Bring them things. Visit, even if it's just for 5 minutes to check in and give hugs. Magazines (trashy celeb stuff was great, as were puzzle books for distraction) and chocolate were fab. A friend also brought round her collection of 'escape the world' DVDs. But also visiting gives your friend a chance to open up and just hug or cry. When I was going through it I did feel very alone, but didn't necessarily feel able to pick up the phone and open up. When a couple of friends came around to see me at home, I felt safe enough to open up to them and tell them about it, and the feelings of shame, guilt and loneliness I had started to fade once I started talking.
4. Also offer to bring them food. We lived off takeaways for over 2 weeks after our first scan which indicated missed miscarriage, as we didn't feel up to doing anything at all. This is no doubt the least healthy fortnight of our lives! I really wished that someone could have brought me a home cooked meal with some damn vegetables in, but didn't feel able to ask. This is only happening tonight for the first time (a friend is coming over to cook for us) and I am now 2 days post-miscarriage (the actual event). Or shop for them and take them some things - nutritious food will be much appreciated I am sure.
5. One thing that helped me massively was when a friend said she was going to send me a list of fun things to do once I was feeling up to it. Things like crazy golf! At the time I was in a very bad way but her saying this reminded me that I won't always feel this awful, and when I don't she will be there and we can do fun things, and that felt like a bit of a yay. I'm now looking forward to my body healing so that we can start to do some of the things on the list and I can feel a bit more normal again.

Hope these are helpful. Ladies again just big love to everyone who is experiencing this xxxx

Hi

I had a mmc in Jan at 12 weeks and referred to this thread at the time and it was a great source of help. My experience was pretty horrendous but at least I had some sort of expectation after reading here. I won't go into that now.

I'm currently going through 2nd miscarriage at 6 weeks. Found out today my HCG levels were only 129. So far I've just had a tiny bit of discharge and passed one string like clot. Not sure what to expect this time as I'm obviously not as far on as last time. Can anyone help?? I've had backache and cramps but nothing a hot water bottle isn't helping with.

Fuck, cheeky... I'm so sorry I'm reading this. I'm gutted I'm seeing you here. Xxxx

This is a very good idea for a thread.

I had my miscarried a whopping 21 years ago, but the memory is very clear.

I was eight weeks, bled off and on for a day or two and then had a sudden urge to push, like (TMI) if you have a heavy period with a clot.

Warning - possible distressing content here.

I contracted and pushed (not sore at all) - and thankfully was in the loo because of the feelings - and on a piece of tissue paper caught the, well, at first glance large clot, at second glance a tiny sac and teeny blueish baby.

I didn't know what to do with him/her. I still don't know what was right. But I cried (am actually crying a little now writing this) and said goodbye and wrapped him/her in tissue and flushed. I feel bad about that, but what else could I do?

Then I went downstairs and sobbed as I announced it was over.

Does anyone have a better idea of what I should have done with this teeny, tiny remains? The size was slightly larger than a 50p, but still my child.

And tears again; oh dear, seems I haven't really made my peace as much as I had thought.