Silent Miscarriage

[hairytriangle]

my baby has no heartbeat. It was picked up on a ten week (private) scan yesterday.

I have been to hospital today and they have said they won't re-scan me and that I can:

1. Wait to miscarry
2. Have tablets to miscarry (but they won't scan me first)
3. Have surgery to evacuate

What would you do?

I am totally devastated and I don't know what to do. I would take the tablets but they won't re-scan me and I know that I would beat myself up if I did it without knowing for sure (ie: confirmation that there is definately no heartbeat).

If they would look at the fetus to see what was wrong (if anything) then I would have surgery - but they won't as it's only my second MC (this year ) :(
Thanks.

I woke up in the night and had forgotten about what's happened. how am I ever going to get over this? :(

Twit those are the lines I was thinking along yesterday - that I wanted to 'pass' it and see it and that woul help me get over it.

But now I don't think I can cope with that.

I know, the worst thing about mmc is you can almost carry on as normal, I continued throwing up until a few weeks after it had gone. I think that's why I felt the need to physically go through the pain of losing it.
I was 'lucky' in that it was my first mc.
You said that you had the tablets before and it didn't work properly. Maybe that is your answer.
In the end you will do the best thing for you.

Sorry your going through this hairy :(

I had a mmc a couple of years ago, I should have been 13 weeks but the baby had died at 8. It's utterly devastating, I really feel for you :(

Fwiw I chose to have an erpc as my body had held on to the pg for so long I didn't think it would ever happen naturally. I had to wait a few days for the op which was hard ( I drank a lot of wine!) but when the op came it was simple and quick, I had a - test 2 after 2 weeks and a period a week after that. My ds was conceived 5 months later.

Hi Twit no I didn't have tablets before, but I did have a suspected ectopic (they called it a pregnancy of unknown origin) and it took my body 5 weeks of bleeding, a methotrexate injection and antibiotics for it all to be over.

(sorry I'm going into drama queen mode here!

MiasmARGGG thanks - that's useful to know I'm so sorry for your loss :(

And it's lovely to hear that you conceived your son afterwards. :)

Right now I don't know if I will ever have the strength to try again, and run the risk of going through this again, but it is soothing to know that it can happen.

BTW, I had my ERPC in March and conceived again in May.

So obv my experience was v different from Balloonslayer's - I do tend to conceive easily, is just hanging on to them that's the problem - but just wanted to say long delays and post-ERPC problems aren't inevitable.

(Really sorry it did cause you problems, though, balloonslayer, and not trying to minimise them at all)

I am sorry you are going through this hairy.

I felt that I had to let it go naturally, like it was what I needed to do for the baby, I wanted to catch it and keep to bury but I didn't there was so much blood and clots (over about 12 hours in the night) so I flushed it down the loo. It is in a nice part of the country though which brings me comfort.

The consultant who was there when I was making my decision told me to go with instinct because I didn't even want to hear what my options were at the time. It did last for 3 weeks as it wasn't complete and during it I did wish that I had gone for the ERPC, but in hindsight I am glad I didn't.

That was all 10ish weeks ago, I may or may not have had my first period but I think I will not be ready to try again either physically or emotionally til the summer.
Take care xxx

Oh blimey, sorry.

You're not being a drama queen at all, just stating facts. You've got enough to think about without worrying about sounding like drama queen, so don't.

We would like to bury our baby, but I just can't face the process. We will plant a tree and we already have a little memory box - I have put the two pregnancy tests and my packet of pre-natal vitamins in - that's all I really have. I hadn't bought anything ready for the baby yet as it was early days. I might pick a rose I've seen in the garden and see about drying it and putting it in the box.

I have labelled it 'poppett II 09.11.10' and drawn a heart on it.

We always referred to it as 'poppett'.

my hospital told me they cremated them with a service in the hospital chapel once a month - maybe yours does something similar.
I though about burying it myself, but on hearing that, chose not to. I planted a lavender bush when it would have been due, and it is massive (about 5 years old now)
I always had a name for it as well, and wouldn't even consider it when I was pg with dd. (DH and I felt it was prob a girl as we'd had 2 boys with no probs)

I'm assuming they won't be able to return the remains to me if I have a d&c.

oh hairy I'm so so sorry to hear you're going through this again . Utterly, utterly shite. Good that they're going to scan you again.

I've read somewhere that after the age of 35 that women who've had 2 miscarriages should be tested straightaway for possible reasons. May be worth bringing this up. You could at least have hormone tests, and make sure they do a thorough scan to check that you're physically ok (no fibroids, womb lining good, shape good etc). FWIW I think based on your last experience I would be tempted to go the ERPC route.

Do you think you could afford to go private?

Am currently waiting for clotting and chromosome tests on the NHS as I've had my requisite 3 .

thank you Digi

I've already had the blood tests (2 day and 21 day I think) last Feb, found that I am ovulating and that I am not pre-menopausal, and I had a private hycosy about three months ago, and at that time the consultant said my womb looks fine, I have a very small fibroid on back wall, but it's not going to cause problems, that my ovaries are normal and I have lots of follicles and a good womb lining and shape. He said he could see no reason why Icould not conceive, apart from the blocked tube (I'm now booked in to be pre-assesed for a laporoscopy - the pre-assessment is next Friday and pending no complications from the d&c I will go)

I don't know what else they can test for but I am going to go and see them again (I have saved some cash for when I was going to be on mat leave) and see what other tests can be done.

I may well go to the GP and see if he can push for testing due to my age.

If I'm found to have a problem which means I am unlikely to be able to carry, then I will probably quit, and look into fostering or adoption.

If they think it could be egg quality, I may opt for IVF as they can use the best egss.

From what I've read, it could be just plain bad luck, but at my age I'm guessing egg quality could be an issue, and I'm guessing the baby may have had something wrong with it.

hairy just wanted to say I'm so sorry, we don't really know each other but were on a thread together recently and I am gutted for you :(

Thanks Ginger

Sounds like you've had same tests as me then. Next thing they test for is clotting (there are three blood disorders you could have that would lead to problems in pg) and the other test is to check you and your dp's chromosomes to check you're not carrying abnormal genes (this is only the case for 5% of couples who mc more than 3 times).
The only test you can't get done on the nhs because there isn't enough overwhelming evidence to prove it's a cause is for high NK cells.

I've just looked into the cost of this privately and it would be around £600 for consultations and test (if only testing for nk cells).

But hairy in all likelihood it's just awful awful bad luck in your case. One positive is that it doesn't seem to take you that long to get pregnant so there is hope there.

stillfrazzled Don't worry! I am glad to hear not everyone has problems after an ERPC. I was worried I'd falsely made it sound like the "wrong thing to do."

It actually took me a year to conceive again after my ERPC, I think I said 9 months because it was 9 cycles - I had a few very long ones because I wasn't ovulating, I think I was in that much of a state.

Hairy as digitalgirl says, it's probably just bloody awful luck. Thinking of you.

Thanks Digi and Balloon I hope it's just bad luck (does that sound odd??!!)

I kind of assume at 42 I may not have many, if any, good eggs left, so when I have conceived (and yes, I feel so lucky that I am still able to - twice within the first year of trying - it was this time last year I came off the pill and I conceived in April and in September) I wonder if the fetus is abnormal and that's why they stop growing.

hairy I totally get your thinking, BUT I would say lots of women have 2 miscarriages. Lots of women over 40 or 42 have successful pregnancies. We just have to hope that we can both be those successful women doing just that.

It's such early days in your grief to be making any big decisions about next steps, but whatever you DO decide to do next I wish you all the very best. x

Thanks Jolls I so hope we will be lucky one day, but right now it seems so hard.

Funilly enough, we've just spoken to a work colleague (and friend)of my partner (to explain why he can't meet a commitment this week) and she has just had exactly the same thing happen, and had a MC earlier in the year, and she's only 29.

My SIL has had a MC and o a MMC (in her early twenties) but has four children now, my sis had an MMC and is now pregnant (due in six weeks :) ) - it's one of those things isn't it, that we don't tell the world about, so we don't realise just how common it is!

I really appreciate your lovely message x

You guys have really made a difference to me today, so thank you so much for all your support. I actually haven't cried since lunchtime!!!!

hairy glad you are feeling a bit better.

When I was in your position I hated hearing how people's luck turned around ("I don't give a shit how good things ended up for them, what about ME?" I used to think) but as you seem to be much nicer than me and taking heart from other people's stories, I'll tell you mine (feel free to ignore):

First tried for a baby with H no 1 - joint decision, him very keen. Tried for over a year. During this time thought he was getting distant, he said there was nothing wrong. Got PG, age 28. Told him, he burst into tears and told me he didn't want to be married any more. I had a miscarriage a week later - was utterly heartbroken. We broke up, I thought well that's it for me, I will never be a mother.

Met DH a couple of years later and married when I was 33. Got PG when I was 34 and about to start PGCE course. Waited till the last minute to pull out of PGCE in case I had a miscarriage. Pulled out. Two weeks after course began started bleeding. Missed m/c - pregnancy probably died about the time I cancelled the course. Once again heartbroken.

Did not get PG for another year. Felt completely frantic. When I did get PG I didn't get my hopes up. Miscarried quite quickly. Utterly devastated.

BUT then got PG with DS1 the month after. Age 35.

Got PG with DD when DS1 was 9 months old, not trying, just no precautions. Had her age 37

While we were waiting for DH's snip appointment we had an ahem drunken careless encounter and DS2 was on the way. He was born when I was 43.

My Mum tells me that BOTH her grandmothers had babies at 48.

I still can't believe that I can have had all that trouble (so it felt) conceiving, and three miscarriages in my twenties/early thirties and end up with a surprise late baby by accident.

Do NOT give up!

BalloonSlayer thank you so much for sharing your story . Wow, you are a very strong lady!

I know amazing things can happen, and most of all I know I must not give up, as I know this could just be bad luck.

My mother was born when my grandmother was 43 (she was the third DC) and a neighbour of my mother has had her first child at 46 (natural conception!)

So thank you - I do try to be positive, and I do know that if I just accept and get morose, I will only depress myself.

I think testing is the way forward for me (eventually) - and if I am told that there is no reason then all good, if there is a reason that means I am unlikely to carry to full term then I'll look into other ways.

My friend is about to have her second at 44, Hairy. DO NOT lose faith!

Hi hairy I just wanted to say how sorry I am to hear about your mc. I've had one mc (in July) and opted for erpc partly because I wanted the whole thing to be over and partly because I wanted my body back and not to feel pg anymore. I've got pcos and have v irregular cycles and weirdly I've been more regular since the erpc (not pg yet though).

I'm sure you'll make whatever feels like the right decision for you and I think your memory box sounds lovely. Oh, and one of my friends had DD2 last year at 43 so don't give up yet.

Take care

It hadn't occurred to me that there could be such a thing as a mmc, I thought a mc was a mc and sorted itself out. A few weeks after I'd had mine a friend had one too, and it really bonded us.(Perhaps it was us being a bit dim, but she hadn't heard of it either.)
I only wish I'd have known about MN then...

My friend was in her 40's when she had her dd3 after her mmc, so it worked out in the end, and will do for you I'm sure.

I hope you're feeling ok today

hairy just saw on another thread that you're leaning towards choosing ERPC.

Just wanted to reassure that both of mine were fine - recovery quick. Bled/spotted for longer after the 2nd one (nearly 4 weeks til it stopped IIRC, but was very light for most of that time). It is certainly the option for moving things on.

Hope all goes well. x