MMC picked up at 20 week scan yesterday, going to hospital tomorrow

[spilttheteaagain]

I went to the 20 week scan yesterday and we found that our baby had died, somewhen in the last 3 weeks since I last saw my MW.

I got sent straight to Gloucester hospital to see a doctor who explained what happens next. I've had a tablet yesterday to ripen my cervix ready for induction tomorrow to deliver the baby.

I'm getting a dragging, periody feeling now so I'm wondering if things might be starting slowly and DH and I are getting ourselves organised bit by bit with what to take to hospital.

Not really too sure what I'm trying to ask or say here, but we're so lost and frightened and shocked. I know lots of people on here have been through similar things and maybe might have things that helped them?

We're very at sea about what happens after the delivery with the baby.
From the scan it's head was only 10cm circumference so it's going to be very small and fragile. Has anyone seen their baby when it was this little? Did it help or was it disturbing? What did they look like?

I'm crying writing this.

What did you need or wish you had at hospital? I've been told they are giving us a private room and DH can stay all the time.

Please help.

[KTRace]

I have only had earlier MC but I wanted to say how very sorry I am that this has happened. I am sure your baby will be beautiful.

When I MC at 9 weeks I saw the fetus and it helped me. I am rambling I am sorry, I would follow your heart and do whatever you think is right.

I am sorry you are going through this xxx

[spilttheteaagain]

Thank you KTRace, I'm so sorry you lost your baby too. I suppose I'm frightened because you can't "unsee" something. I think we might ask them to clean the baby and wrap it in a blanket so we can have a look bit by bit as we can manage it.

[andiem]

spiltthe tea I'm so sorry to hear your news. I have had 4mcs so know how painful it is. The hospital will ask if you want some photos taken and if you would like a handprint and a footprint. You may not feel up to having these at the time but it is a good idea to have them done as you might regret it later if you don't have anything.

Most people I know have not regretted seeing their baby and it has helped them with the grieving process BUT you must do what is right for you and not feel pressurised into doing anything you don't want to. If the staff take some photos for you, you can always look at them later.

So sorry this has happened to you and take care of yourselfx

[upturnj]

I don't really have much to add only I'm thinking of you. I have suffered in the past from recurrent m/c's but none of them were as far gone as you are.
Just wanted to say I wish you well and so sorry this has happened to you. x x

[Aitch]

oh my love i am so sorry.

[OracleInaCoracle]

I cannot say how sorry I am. much love to you all xx

[going]

I'm really sorry to hear this has happened to you.

I had a miscarriage at 16 weeks. The baby was small but looked fully formed, he was very bruised (all over) as I had a cervial suture in place so he only had a small space to come out. It really did help me to see and hold him.

[LacksDaisies]

so so sorry for your loss

I have no advice sorry, but I couldn't not post. Sending you and DH lots of strength to help you through this awful time xx

[randomimposter]

Am so sorry - have had MMCs myself but all earlier, so have no insight to offer you.

All losses are hard, but I do feel especially sad when they happen after 12 weeks (the supposedly safe hurdle).

My heart really goes out to you.

[CMOTdibbler]

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

I know someone whose baby was born at 20 weeks, and have seen the pictures of her dd. She is tiny, but absolutely perfect, and not scary at all.

You might want to take a toy and a blanket of your own so that you have pictures of you all with those so they are extra special in your memory box

Theres lots of information and support available from Sands

[sunchild77]

Yes, Sands are amazing.

I am so so sorry to read that this has happened spilt. We were both at the beginning of the March 2011 expecting thread, I left after having m/c, but I do remember you. I wish I could say something constructive to help. But there are no words that will ever do that.
My thoughts are with you.

[MummyAbroad]

Hello Split

I dont really have anything new to add that I didnt say on the other thread, just that my heart goes out to you. xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

[llareggub]

Oh I'm so sorry.

[FoghornLeghorn]

No words :(

[peanuthead]

Spilt, I have had a baby at 17 weeks and one at 18 weeks.

They will give you as much pain relief as you need - I didn't need anything more than paracetamol but it was my second and third deliveries and I know people who have had alot of pain and had morphine. PArt of the way I dealt with the labour was to tell myself it was such an awful thing to go through that I would have to minimise the pain and fear and forced myself to be calm (I'm a naturally anxious person) to make it easier. ALso the second time I knew exactly what to expect which helps.

We had the radio on alot as we had a long wait for the labour to start.

The actual delivery was fine - the easiest part. I didn't want to see the baby really the first time but I actually delivered him myself and once I'd seen him I dind't want them to take him away. It's a very personal decision but as someone on here said you won;'t regret seeing him but you might regret not seeing him. To me he just looked like my baby, very small and I felt he was very fragile. Red and purple TBH but so recognisably a baby. Second time again I knew what to expect.

The MW will take him away and clean him and if you want they will bring him back for you to spend time with once you've recovered physically. We took photos and so did the hospital and footprints for the second - wish I had for the first then I might even have put them in a frame somewhere discreet.

They will offer you a funeral or you can organise it yourself. SOme people like to take blankets for the baby or toys - or even clothes to dress them in.

What I will say as a warning is that it seems that alot of women have problems delivering the placenta - I did both times. If you can avoid it you really don't want the trauma of a trip to theatre to remove it/ The first time the Dr kept me flat on my back on a syntocin drip and kept coming in rummaging around which wasn't too nice. The second time I had my wits about me and insisted to the dr that I kneel up and push before he considered theatre or a rummage and althouigh it was hard work it did come out. SOrry to go into these details but these practical things do make a difference.

Also I think it's quite common to lose a lot of blood and get a drip etc

I'm so sorry you're going through this. As someone who's done it twice in a very short time (first baby a year ago, second baby in May) I can tell you it will get easier but not for a while. And you will be shocked by the strength of your grief afterwards - I thought i was going insane for a while. But 4 months later and my due date is looming in 2 weeks and I'm ok - and you will be too. Please ask anything else you think of as sadly I can no doubt answer.

WIll be thinking of you.

[SauvignonBlanche]

Hi, I'm very sorry to hear your news. I found out my baby had died at 22 weeks.
Like you I was given a tablet before my induction. The pains you describe mean that it is taking effect, my waters burst the night before.

I hope you are as well-cared for as I was, I was in a private room, called the family room which had 2 beds in it in case DH wanted to stay overnight.

Labour was just as painful as at term but of course you will feel free to take any painkiller going. The actual delivery will be easy as your baby will be so small. The staff will ask when you are admitted if you wish to see your baby straight away or if you want them to take the baby away and then bring then back when you are ready. Just do what feels right for you.

Your baby will be small and dark and the features will be less obvious than in a full term. Ask if you want to be left alone with them for a while. Staff will provide you with photos.

I left a couple of hours after delivery as I wanted to get home but I was offered an overnight stay, a GP will visit in the next couple of days.

One thing no body warned me about was my milk coming in, it wasn't that long since I'd stopped feeding DS1 so it was pretty bad, they can give you tablets if needed.
Is this your first baby?

I do hope you are OK, I promise it does get easier, in time xx

[MummyWilliams]

So sad for you spilttheteaagain I lost my little boy 'Jack' 29th April this year he was 17weeks + 4 days. You must be absolutely beside yourself.

I will try to help with some of your questions. I too had periody type pains after having the initial tablet, but it didn't lead to anything. Yes DH can stay all the time. We had a private room too, on the delivery ward but away from it all if you know what I mean. The hospital will provide you with food & drinks if you want them. You can take your own music etc. They even gave us a tv. I took a couple of magazines and we did crosswords together. I changed into something more comfortable when we got there, tracksuit bottoms & vest. Make sure you take some toiletries & towel for a shower after the delivery.

The midwife inserted 3/4 tablets into the cervix, to get things going. Things got going within 2 hours (from memory) as in this was when the pain started so I had some codeine to take the edge off. After 4 hours I was struggling to cope with the pain and asked for something stronger (they give you morphine). So the midwife went off to fetch this. But I had a feeling that something was going to pop, so went to visit the loo, which was in our room. Our DS was born into my hands. Soon enough the midwife came along to help me back to the bed, where I delivered the placenta.

I had asked not to see my DS because I didn't feel like I would benefit from it. The midwife took our DS away for an inital examination and to remove the sac. As they are born within the sac & waters.

She came back shortly to make sure I was still ok and to present us with our memory box. Inside were photos, foot & handprints, the teddy bear that he was photographed with. Some name bands. And Sands info.

I immediately wanted to look at the photos. There pictured, was the tiniest little one you can imagine, dressed in a knitted jacket. The only thing that took me by surprise is that they he was coated in a clear gel/jelly. This is not removed because it could damage the precious skin.

I didn't hold him, which I only very slightly regret - but don't think I would've gained anything from it.

The silence was so loud the moment he was born.

It is a very emotional, sad & quite scary day. But you will get through it.

Then you must give yourself plenty of time to heal.

Our little man was born with the cord around his neck 6 times. We had a post mortem to rule out anything else, because I had had a previous MMC at 15 weeks (baby had died at 12 weeks). Nothing came back from the post mortem only about the cord.

We had him cremated at a private service, and he is now home with us. I did carry him in his coffin into the crematorium.

I look at his photos and the things in his memory box quite often.

It is a long emotional struggle back to normality. I still cry a few times a week.

Feel very upset for you and your DH (crying now).

Its so unfair that these little ones are taken from us.

If you need to know anything else, please ask away.

Many hugs.

Shall be thinking of you tomorrow. Let us know how you are.

xxx

[PheasantPlucker]

I am so sorry for your loss xxx

[Enzyme]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

[banana87]

I am very sorry for your loss and all of you who have also suffered losses as well xxx

[Jojay]

I'm so so sorry for your loss. I've had a miscarriage but much earlier than that. It was awful, so I can't imagine how you feel and my heart goes out to you

[witlesssarah]

I am so very sorry for your loss.

You've had some really good advice on here. I want to echo that seeing your baby is really important. Our DD had severe abnormalities, and yet seeing her, greiving her as a real baby and not as an idea was so important. Of course you must see how you feel at the time. It was a long time before I (or my DH) were willing to have her body out of the room. A funeral really helped us as well.

You will be amazed at how horrible the grief is, but you will also be amazed at how kind nurses midwives and doctors can be, and in the end you will be amazed at your own strength

[BreastmilkDoesAFabLatte]

I am so sorry for your loss. Thinking of you, and praying for you...

[PumpkinsCantDanceTheTango]

Thinking of you, am so very sorry. I saw an held my dd, I would advise it. Take lots of photos, hand and foot prints too. x

[spilttheteaagain]

Thank you all of you for your support and love, and especially MummyWilliams, peanuthead and SauvingnonBlanche for sharing so much detail about your experiences with your babies. So sorry that so many of us have gone through this.

It is my first baby, so I've had no experience of labour and delivery before.

I was told that hopefully the pill & pessaries should be enough to induce everything so I shouldn't need a hormone drip. Does this mean that I can try and have an active (ish... as active as I feel anyway) labour, as I won't be hooked up to drips/monitors?
I have packed my birth ball in case.

I'd just got round to ordering some books about active birth etc ready to prepare for giving birth in the spring, but they won't arrive until next week when it'll be too late . I'd hoped to be all knowledgable and prepared, hypnobirthing at the ready, but as it is it'll have to be guesswork.
Stay mobile, stay upright, try and keep calm, and breathe? Hopefully they will be able to talk me through breathing exercises etc.

sunchild I remember you. How are things at the moment?

MummyAbroad I wanted to thank you for the links you gave me on the thread in Conception, I started looking at them and will no doubt be using them a lot in the coming days/weeks.