Perimenopause and growing attached to someone online who will not meet

[OutOfCharacterForMe]

Please be kind. I need constructive advice on how to handle this.

I'm perimenopausal, having the usual surges of increased sex drive and then no sex drive.

I've been talking to someone online for about 5 months. For the first couple of weeks I actually thought I was talking to a woman. Just general chat. It was on a forum of a shared hobbie so not sure why I thought he was a woman initially. Anyway he is a man.

I got used to the good morning, good night, how was work messages and everything else. We are in contact online all day, sharing everything.

Things started to heat up on both sides. Messages are raunchy at times mixed in with lovey dovey ones.

I suggested we meet. He instantly shut it down. He says he is single. We live probably an hour away from each other. He says online is all he wants. We've not shared photos or anything like that. We seem to gel on most stuff.

What the hell am I doing getting so emotionally attached to someone online who doesn't want to meet?

Is this an evil side of perimenopause?

Do I cut it off now? I'm already looking forward to his messages tomorrow.

Do I continue and try to tell myself this is just fun online?

I've told him I've developed feelings but he just repeated online is all he wants.

Helpful advice please

Are you single?

I don’t think he is…

Absolutely as pp says. He doesn’t sound like he is single

I’m going to be harsh. He’s using your raunchy messages as a masturbation aid. He doesn’t want to meet because he’s already got a wife or partner. Anyone can say anything on the internet but his behaviour disproves his words.

The only thing he’s being honest about is only wanting online.

And that’s not enough for you. So stop the chat. Block and move on.

You won’t give anyone else a chance while you’re still wasting time messaging this dead-end all day.

It’s nothing to do with perimenopause. You’re enjoying the connection but it’s not real. You’re enjoying the hit when he messages but it’s not real.

Move on. It’s going nowhere.

Yes I am. He says he is. Said no partner for 10 years.

Have you not seen a picture of him? Maybe he doesn't think he'll live up to expectation...

I feel gutted to think it will end but I know I can't continue like this knowing I will never see him.

Do I tell him I'm going or just go?

I can't explain it more than every little thing that's going on in our days we share. I had asked if he was being honest. He says yes but online is where it stays.

This has nothing to do with perimenopause.

You get attached to your idealised version of him, not a real person. How do you know, for sure, it’s a man? Did you FaceTime or has he left any voice messages?

I would cut this immediately. Block and move on. Don’t waste your precious time on someone who isn’t interested. It will only get worse if you carry on, the emotional attachment will get stronger. I can guarantee he will ghost you if you keep pushing for meeting in real life. And that is going to hurt. Least if you end it now it will be on your terms therefore you’ll avoid the disappointment and feeling like you’re worthless.

I thought this. Offered to send mine. Asked for his. Doesn't do photos.

He seems so perfect. I don't do stuff like this.

You're the only one who's going to get hurt here. He has told you he doesn't want anything more than an online relationship, which is clearly unsatisfying for you as you'd like to progress further. So a big red flag there. Also, this has nothing to do with being peri! You really need to end the relationship as that hurt will be far less now than it will be later on.

OP you know what they say, if it sounds too good to be true, it probably is. You're not seeing the reality. I do speak from experience! In online relationships it's so easy to insert your own imagination so it feels real when actually it isn't.

Oh, so you haven’t even seen him (?) and you’re attached and invested.
Get rid, move on and forget about this nonsense.

I don't know anything for 100%. Just going with I'm telling the truth so he is. He said I might not think the same if we met but then said we will never meet.

No. He's described himself. He could be sitting next to me on the tube and I wouldn't know.

It’s simple then, isn’t it? Just block and move on. Don’t explain why. You owe him (???) nothing.

You owe him nothing. You don’t have to tell him. Just go.

If you want to, from politeness which is instilled in us, you could send one final message that says

I’m sorry you’re not up for meeting and only want online. That’s not what I’m looking for so goodbye and all the best.

then block and delete details so you can’t pour over old chats and get drawn back in.

I don't feel I can just go. It would have to be explained by me. I feel I owe him that. Totally gutted.

I read stuff about this happening to others. It's intense. I feel like a teenager again.

Oh, come on, @OutOfCharacterForMe - use your brain!

Married is only the most obvious likelihood.

Agoraphobic?
Weighs 300 kg and cannot exit his home?
Confined to an institution?

Whatever the reason, this is clearly someone who is not able to enter into any sort of normal face to face relationship.

Once you end the communication he will just move on to another correspondent. (Maybe he has several already?) You might as well be ‘in a relationship’ with ChatGPT.

This person could be a teenager. Or AI robot. Or a scammer. It is not real.
Get out in real life op. Join meeetup.

Once you end the communication he will just move on to another correspondent. (Maybe he has several already?) You might as well be ‘in a relationship’ with ChatGPT.

@TheFarriersDaughter for President. Absolutely spot on.

Also, given your initial impression, this person could easily be a woman - maybe living out a virtual relationship they don’t feel free to pursue in real life. Bad luck for them - but they’d have no right to deceive you.

And anyone maintaining whatever masquerade they’re perpretating for five months clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. You’re just a tool or device being used for their satisfaction.

Surely that isn’t what you want?

There could be so many reasons why he won't meet up . Married , a disability he doesn't want to tell you about , much younger or older than he claims to be and as you've previously mentioned ( and if you never heard their actual voice ) maybe female .

Or even as another has suggested you are satisfying a need to him and he doesn't want anything else from you .

Bluntly , he is not that much into you as you are to him .
I'd even say you are into the image / fantasy of a person who does not really exist .I

They have portrayed to you someone they are not , you can't meet up because that person is not who you think they are .

You’re in a relationship with a fantasy man. He’s half real and half a figment of your imagination. You can keep going in the hope that he changes his mind ( he won’t ) or you can rip the plaster off and suffer a couple of weeks of sadness. It’s a shame but he is not the man that you have built him up to be.

I got hooked into a fantasy with someone online for five months. Thank goodness we did eventually meet, as it was a let down and just quite boring.

Your choice. You can live this ridiculous fiction or break away.

You seem really determined to believe this is real - desperate even.

If you think the person or people you're corresponding with can't sense that in you, you are probably hugely mistaken.

I say 'people' because this could be a cabal of smirking teenage boys.