Perimenopause and growing attached to someone online who will not meet

[OutOfCharacterForMe]

Please be kind. I need constructive advice on how to handle this.

I'm perimenopausal, having the usual surges of increased sex drive and then no sex drive.

I've been talking to someone online for about 5 months. For the first couple of weeks I actually thought I was talking to a woman. Just general chat. It was on a forum of a shared hobbie so not sure why I thought he was a woman initially. Anyway he is a man.

I got used to the good morning, good night, how was work messages and everything else. We are in contact online all day, sharing everything.

Things started to heat up on both sides. Messages are raunchy at times mixed in with lovey dovey ones.

I suggested we meet. He instantly shut it down. He says he is single. We live probably an hour away from each other. He says online is all he wants. We've not shared photos or anything like that. We seem to gel on most stuff.

What the hell am I doing getting so emotionally attached to someone online who doesn't want to meet?

Is this an evil side of perimenopause?

Do I cut it off now? I'm already looking forward to his messages tomorrow.

Do I continue and try to tell myself this is just fun online?

I've told him I've developed feelings but he just repeated online is all he wants.

Helpful advice please

Well done OP! I’m so sorry about it. Agree with pp do something nice for yourself now.

Thanks all. I am gutted x

Please don't be gutted. Whoever it was you talked to was not a nice person.
You're gutted because you wanted a man to give you that kind of attention.
But they weren't real, or genuine, or free. They used you.

You didn't know who they were.They were getting some kick out of it- maybe it was just a game to them to draw someone in and you responded. They might even have loads of these chats going on at the same time!
They could even have been using AI to feed you what you wanted to hear.

As PPs have said this is often how scammers extract money; not immediately but longer term when they build up a fake image of who they are.

Instead of feeling gutted, focus on what a nasty person they seem to be, and give yourself a pat on the back for ending it.

He either not single or not who he says he is, either appearance wise or lifestyle wise. It's odd you've not even seen his picture?

He has made it plain he won't meet so just stop talking to him. He is just a time waster.

This all day long. OP - I’ve had serious chats with ChatGpt where it feels like AI knows me! Come on now, get out there in real life if you want to meet a man

Menopause is a red herring and totally irrelevant. Not sure what you mentioned it for.

Then he's probably too good to be true, whatever this is it's going nowhere so best end it now

Online is all you're getting.
Get out there and meet real people dont live in fantasy you're wasting your time.

honestly, give up, online anything is a mistake!!

Sorry but I find it really weird that you are so attached to someone you have never seen and never met . I find it insulting to women that you would try and blame “perimenopause” for this . I suggest cutting ties and meeting up with people in real life

Sadly, this!

This.
Sorry.

I used to chat to a man many years ago online, found out why he never wanted to meet but would kind of hint towards it, stringing me along. He was married.

Fast forward 15 years and I met my now partner online, we literally both travelled many miles to meet half way. He was single.

How is he perfect if he has no emotional intelligence? He is using you. What for? Who knows. Worst case scenario is he hooks you in more and then needs money. What are you going to do then? You have stated he is perfect. So you might send money because a perfect person will pay you back. And he might. Because the next time he asks it will be for a lot more. Or he’s just a time waster. Block him/her/they - cos you don’t actually know do you? Move on.

You know zero about this person, only what he's told you, which may or may not be true. At a guess, I'd say, assuming he's not a scammer in another country, that he's married or in a long-term relationship. Some of what he's told you is probably correct/near the truth, the rest will be complete bollocks.

He doesn't do pictures, because he doesn't want to you having his picture....all the more chance of him being found out. He doesn't want to meet up, well that becomes difficult when he's got to start lying to his wife/partner. He's 'safe' online.

You have built up a fantasy of this person in your mind, based on his description and conversations you've had. None of it is real.

If you feel you must be honest with him then send one last message 'I have been giving our situation some thought. I want to be able to have a proper relationship with someone. Someone who I can spend time with in person, go on dates and enjoy their company. I don't have this with you. It's best we don't stay in touch any longer. Good luck'.

You need to either send one last message and then block or just block. You don't actually owe this person a message at all. You need to take a very big step back and look at why you've ended up in this situation.

I’m not sure why you’d blame peri for this. Take responsibility for what has been a poor ‘relationship’ choice.

In a way it is to do with peri because you've said sometimes your sex drive is low. In person most men have an expectation of regular sex (wrong as that entitlement is.) By having a love interest you don't meet, you don't have to deal with a man's sense of sexual entitlement in person.

How on earth can you fall for someone when you haven't even seen a photo?? It's all fantasy, and nothing to do with perimenopause.

Likely scammer who will start asking for money. You will be one of many they are stringing along

He’s so clearly lying to you! Not even a picture or video call! Obviously because he doesn’t want to be identified. You’re being played for a fool!

READ THE OP’s FOLLOW UP POSTS BEFORE POSTING!

This feeling will pass. Honestly, he could have been telling you any old rubbish. Get out into the real world.

He’s not perfect though is he? A partner online is not a partner. You have no idea if anything he says is real or even if he is a man.

Just cut off contact.

Have looked but there is plenty that it might still benefit her to hear.

Thank you for trying to stop this. I'm not going to read any more of them, it's difficult enough as it is xxx

To all - I am no longer in contact with him.

💯 Well written!