Perimenopause and growing attached to someone online who will not meet

[OutOfCharacterForMe]

Please be kind. I need constructive advice on how to handle this.

I'm perimenopausal, having the usual surges of increased sex drive and then no sex drive.

I've been talking to someone online for about 5 months. For the first couple of weeks I actually thought I was talking to a woman. Just general chat. It was on a forum of a shared hobbie so not sure why I thought he was a woman initially. Anyway he is a man.

I got used to the good morning, good night, how was work messages and everything else. We are in contact online all day, sharing everything.

Things started to heat up on both sides. Messages are raunchy at times mixed in with lovey dovey ones.

I suggested we meet. He instantly shut it down. He says he is single. We live probably an hour away from each other. He says online is all he wants. We've not shared photos or anything like that. We seem to gel on most stuff.

What the hell am I doing getting so emotionally attached to someone online who doesn't want to meet?

Is this an evil side of perimenopause?

Do I cut it off now? I'm already looking forward to his messages tomorrow.

Do I continue and try to tell myself this is just fun online?

I've told him I've developed feelings but he just repeated online is all he wants.

Helpful advice please

That’s a different interpretation, @mathanxiety! I’m imagining someone fairly desperate, preying on the OP, rather than people doing it out of mischief or spite.

But surely teenage boys have better things to do with their time?

Don't be so convinced he's being truthful OP. He's hiding behind an online persona and could have carefully constructed an 'image' he'd think you'd like. There's a reason he doesn't want to meet, and that will most likely be because of an untruth. Could be his health, his age, his height, his looks, his relationship status....anything. If you don't want to just block him then explain to him you weren't looking for a pen pal and so you're ending the connection as you're not interested in something that's online only. At the very, very least, cut out the raunchy talk. As others have suggested, he could be using it as a masturbation aid.

Block and move on. Get on actual dating sites and meet properly.

Is this a wind up? Get a grip OP!

Has he asked you for money yet? It might happen. If it does, you’ve been groomed and scammed. Don’t give him anything however plausible the story.
Honestly, I would cut this off now as it sounds very dodgy.
Have a google of Nigerian yahoo boys or Nigerian romance scams and be very careful

Are we ascribing male weirdness to the perimenopause now?

Anecdotally I know at least five women who have done very out of character things like this due to increased hormones and whatnot during perimenopause. Marriages ended, casual hookups, crazy sexual experiences out of the blue.

Hello...our bodies are trying to manipulate us to use up those last few eggs... It's definitely a thing. Combined with a newfound fuck it attitude/confidence, mixed with a compulsion for sexual attention. Scientifically, it is a real thing.

Op I bet he is either huge, not good looking, has erectile dysfunction or is married. Best way is to block him stone dead and go fuck some real men without shame. He's wasted your precious time.

😂
We’re not but OutOfCharacterForMe is

You know, deep down, this is not healthy and it's not going to end well.

It's nothing to do with hormones. It could be because you've reached an age when you feel you want to have a partner- have you been married? Do you have children?

You've been 'hit on' by a man who wants to have some online 'fun' but has no intention of anything more. He's either unattractive and he can't meet women in real life or he's married.

Give yourself a good talking to!

Just block him. He will be onto some other vulnerable woman before you can say 'Next'.

The longer you let this go on the harder it will be to stop because you're addicted to the attention. But it's all fake.

I think you know you need to end this for your own peace of mind. You don’t sound able to view it as just a piece of online fantasy fun, it’s gone beyond that for you. They aren’t interested in anything further and are hiding from you, probably because they are married but it doesn’t really matter why. Take control and end it before you get really hurt, you owe them nothing.

Also OP as pp said be very, very careful of romance scamming. Some of these scams can be extremely sophisticated and long term. People get caught out who are intelligent and wouldn’t normally fall for it. Don’t ever give any money, even a small amount.

Internet is a weird place. Not being mean here, Op, but there is every chance that your initial instinct that it was a woman was correct and that they don't want to meet or exchange pictures for that reason.

If you have any particularly long messages, you can run them by a gender scanner on the web, which can assess the the writing style of the creator.

As to reasons why anyone would do that, I don't know, but it may be a man, and he is not single.

OP I think you’ve stuck with this for so long because it feels ‘safe’ - ‘he’ says everything you want to hear and there’s no pressure to meet, but that’s the problem!

As PP have said:
You don’t know if he’s actually a man
You have no idea what he looks like
He could be married
He could be in another country

He’s said he never wants to meet, so are you up for wasting years of your time and energy on texting and never meeting?
You don’t owe him an explanation, but you seem to not want to just block, so you could message and say ‘Online only isn’t working for me. I’m going to end our communication now and focus on connections in RL I wish you well” then block so you’re not tempted!

I've sent a final message and disabled my account.

Well done ❤️!

Wise decision!

Glad to hear it, @OutOfCharacterForMe.

Are you able to arrange something nice to do today - a favourite walk; a gallery; maybe a concert? Just don’t sit at home ruminating.

Come on OP I don't mean to be horrible but you're being very naive...

Sorry just saw this...good for you!

I wonder if you are being catfished? Perhaps your instinct at the the beginning of thinking that you was talking to a woman is correct?

Well done OP. Chat on here to us if you need support. Agree you should go out for the day. Do something nice for yourself.

Well done OP. Agree with others who say step away from the phone today, go do something you enjoy.

It’s natural to be missing him/whatever when you’ve been messaging at that high frequency. Time to move on to something more healthy and ‘real’. Good luck!

If you haven’t seen a photo of him after 5 months he’s not going to meet up is he. All
kind of reasons but your basically falling in love with messages. It’s not real even if he is real it’s not reality and never will be. Move on.

D’you fancy going back and reading the rest of the thread now, @Itsnotallaboutyoulikeyouthink?

You’ve been really brave OP. You sound like a lovely person and I hope once you have grieved the end of this you can see if finding if finding someone in real life is something you want to do x