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Original poster

cant do it again

50 replies

FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 02:11

i went through a lot of heartbreak and stress with exp over access with ds and we came to an agreement 2 years ago which everyone was happy abt. since then however he has broken agreement ie dumped ds with his parents at every opportunity which i have proof of (1 time being he asked to swap nights as he was going on holiday so had ds and he was arrested on suspicion of murder - he didnt do it but was there when he had ds). tonight i was out as i do once a fortnight when he has ds and i received a text from exp saying i am a shit mother because ds told him my sister cuts his hair when i go out and should spend my money on that. im totally gutted. probably shouldnt have but i went to the door to have it out with him and his parents were awful to me but i dont see why i should be treated like im doing something wrong, i have him 13 days out of 14. any advice?

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Original poster
FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 06:42

bump

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Original poster
FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 07:28

anyone? i havent slept a wink with worrying i feel physically sick

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tartyhighheels · 31/01/2010 07:41

There is not a lot you can do about this really. If you go back to court to define access perhaps this would help but the courts cannot compel him to see his child. Perhaps you just need to stop access until you can get it on the right terms - I know it means you are on your own, but I have been here and all the time he has the child he also starts abusing you.
Personally I would go back to court to define the contact and make sure you are happy with it - I agreee that dumping the child is not good and you need to deal with that. It will also show him you mean business. He knows you are desperate for a break so he will always have that over you so if it were me, I would just do it on my own and then get back into court and make it all more clear.

Original poster
FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 07:48

its all the emotional abuse he puts me through he just cant let me be happy he has to grind me down and i dont know why i should put up with that

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Trickle · 31/01/2010 07:48

I didn't want to leave you hanging - but I'm a little slow atm.

Let me get this straight, your sister cuts your little boys hair, you have one night off a fortnight to do what you want. Your exp and his parents think you should spend the money on having his haircut.

WTF - one night off to yourself a fortnight is not a luxury it's essential, you are you not just mum and deserve something for yourself anyone who says differently is totally unreasnoble.

On the haircut front if they are so precious about it why don't they spend their money on a hairdresser. Most kids I know with two working parents (ie double income) get home haircuts. TBH chuck if it wasn't the haircut they'd be having a go about something else I think, grin, bear and ignore as much as possible I think - easier said than done I'm afraid.

Sorry if that was waay off the mark

Original poster
FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 07:58

thanks, im going to change my number on my mobile and have a seperate phone for anything to do with ds that they can have the number for.

When i mentioned th one night I have his mother's reply was that its my fault because i wont let them have him more and excuse my language but it boils my piss - the contact is for exp not for them and that's specified in the court order.

his actual text was - "Act like a parent. Take a fucking look at yourself you stupid cow. You come first before your son. You go out every other weekend and dont pay for a haircut for him. So fuck off"

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tartyhighheels · 31/01/2010 07:59

I think you have to stop buying into wha he says, it is a load of bollocks anyway. He is really grasping at straws if that is all he has to throw at you. It really does take two to play this game and you have to stop playing and rise above it or go back to court and show him you mean business. It might slap him back into place but imagine if he knew you had been up all night, feeling bad about what he said. You are just handing so much power to him by reacting in this manner. You need to develop the 'who gives a fuck' attitude a bit or this will keep on hurting.

Trickle · 31/01/2010 08:02

words fail me

seperate phones sounds like a good plan.

maybe too much to ask right now but could you give seperate contact to his grandparents - would it be just a nightmare or actually a good idea?

Original poster
FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 08:05

yeah i totally agree with that. i had become slightly immune to it all when it was happening all the time - or maybe that was the ad's taking the edge off, but its been a while since his last round of abuse and i started having a life and being happy again so it seems to have hit me harder this time.

i would go back to my solicitor if they could do anything abou the threats and abuse but last time i just seemed to get screwed over by the system since its all for the fathers now

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tartyhighheels · 31/01/2010 08:07

He just sounds to me like a sad little man who has nothing better to do with his evening. What a childish text... that was the best he could manage was it? Instead of enjoying his time with his child, he spends the time sending abuive texts. Keep the texts and go back to court and define contact. This is unacceptable. And what's keeping you up? that he thinks badly of you or that you really are a bad Mother for giving your child a free haircut??? You haven't done anything wrong. Have a nice cuppa, a bath and get to bed woman.

Original poster
FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 08:07

trickle - the grandparents have the majority of the contact and i think that exp wouldnt bother with ds if that weren't the case. it was them that took me to court exp was just the puppet

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Trickle · 31/01/2010 08:17

If that's the case stuff him - keep the text and show your solicitor.

Don't let him feed your depression though that's important - toxic people like that don't deserve the power it can give them.

Original poster
FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 08:20

he always seems to wait until he has ds aswell just to make me feel more upset and helpless. i live in fear of him not returning him when i have to force the poor little boy to go there to begin with. he's only 3

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Trickle · 31/01/2010 08:29

I don't think he'd have a leg to stand on if he even tried that - he'd just end up with supervised access and from the sounds of it his parents would be less than pleased.

Horrible situation I really feel for you but you sound like your doing the best you can for your son which makes you fab by the way

Original poster
FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 08:32

thanks x

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Trickle · 31/01/2010 08:56

Totally welcome

persephonesnape · 31/01/2010 09:12

I think keeping a seperate phone is a good idea and don't respond to abusive texts, he's looking for a rise, he's trying to make you feel upset. Don't let him. Mentally wrap him up in cling film, disassociate yourself from him, be as polite as you would be to someone you don't know, like a bus driver or shop assistant, but don't let him continue to hurt you. You control
your own feelings, his actions are shitty. He's a tosser. Why would you care what a tosser thinks about you?!

Original poster
FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 13:11

i have made steps to change my number. i have to go there at 6 tonight and i really dont want to go im frightened of what they might say or do

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Original poster
FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 14:16

.

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Original poster
FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 16:56

ive just received a text saying i wont be getting ds at 6 because he's missed the train. hes doing this on purpose to upset me more and he cant just keep him as long as he wants

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RumourOfAHurricane · 31/01/2010 17:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster
FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 17:11

im going to do all that like you say but also go back to my solicitor to see what i can do about the constant breaking of contact order. he does this a lot takes him away then says i cant have him back til a time that suits him. im also going to the doctors to get myself better. the emotional abuse and threats have ground me down i dont even feel like myself anymore. im going to bring in how this is effecting me i dont see why i should be treated in such a way when i bend over backwards to accomodate him and hopefully the court will be able to stop him contacting me abt anything other than access. simply cant go on like this

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KnickKnack · 31/01/2010 17:18

I second Shineys idea of having a friend with you when ex is picking/dropping off DS.

Easier said than done, but try not to engage with him, don't react to his crap (come on here and vent instead!), don't let him see that it gets to you. Perhaps tell him that you are keeping a record of his texts for legal purposes?

Trickle · 31/01/2010 17:19

I think shineon has given you some great advice there, though it is going to take some hard graft to do. I think you should keep all the text's (inc what you send to him) as they are proof of what has been said.

I also think the less you give him the less he will get out of it. Think large toddler.

I'm guessing having him back later is going to mess up any bedtime routine you would usually have - still keeping as calm and polite as you can may confuse your ex and make it less likely to happen.

And don't forget sometimes it's a genuine mistake, which is why I think you should keep the text's, they'll show any pattern.

Original poster
FrostyTheSnowgirl · 31/01/2010 17:22

ive got all his texts stored to my phone.

one of my parents are usually with me but tbh its getting too much coming face to face for him and ds will sense how upset i get, i would prefer someone else to hand him over.

Unfortunately i have to go to his parents house tonight (he lives with them) to collect him and im actually frightened

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