cant do it again

[FrostyTheSnowgirl]

i went through a lot of heartbreak and stress with exp over access with ds and we came to an agreement 2 years ago which everyone was happy abt. since then however he has broken agreement ie dumped ds with his parents at every opportunity which i have proof of (1 time being he asked to swap nights as he was going on holiday so had ds and he was arrested on suspicion of murder - he didnt do it but was there when he had ds). tonight i was out as i do once a fortnight when he has ds and i received a text from exp saying i am a shit mother because ds told him my sister cuts his hair when i go out and should spend my money on that. im totally gutted. probably shouldnt have but i went to the door to have it out with him and his parents were awful to me but i dont see why i should be treated like im doing something wrong, i have him 13 days out of 14. any advice?

I actually wouldn't tell him you are keeping a record - you are less likely to get an accurate picture that way. He may end up being polite and guarded by text but not by phone or in person. With a text you have as close to written proof asw you are going to get.

Is it what they are going to say that frightens you?

he usually doesnt bother telling me he's not bringing him home on time. last time he was 40 minutes late, not answering his phone and of course i was in a good old state when he eventually arrived as i thought something had happened. he didnt even apologise and im sorry to say i lost my cool and he was told

At least he has told you this time and you know what is going on - that is a step in the right direction.

What are you afraid of exactly?

im just not a confrontational person at all (usually) and he goes out of his way to provoke me but you're all right i need to remove myself from him so he cant effect me emotionally but i know im going to need the doctor's help to do that. ive literally lain in bed and cried all day. he always does it when he has ds as well it makes me feel completely paniced because he's threatened to not bring him home a few times and loves to f* with my head

im afraid of his aggressiveness although he's never been violent to me, he's a violent person hence the being arrested on suspicion of murder in my op

Maybe you should give parentline a ring - being able to speak to someone maybe better than this. There may also be something more pratical they can suggest or do.

i should also probably mention that his mother is an alcoholic and has had her nose broken by his dad before, i have been witness to their physical fights

Is there anyway you can get someone to go with you to his parents house so you feel safer? You know him, would he be agressive in front of his child AND his parents?

Have you got anyone to bring with you to his parents tonight?

yeah my dad is coming with me but il have to lock him in the car as u can imagine he's not happy and him saying anything will just make it worse. i honestly dont know if he would i used to have a designated pick up point in a public car park, i think we should maybe go back to that

Nutral ground sounds like a good idea - the atmosphere just sounds too charged and there are far too many emotionally involved people at his parents house. Could your Dad promise to keep quiet and just stand by the gate/car as a witness - it's suprising how much bullies crumble when someone can hear them.

It would be important that he could agree not to join in - he could also call your ds over to him to get in the car and give you an exit not to get engaged in anything and just walk away.

yeah he wont say anything if i ask him, he just knows how upset i am and im weak i will likely burst into tears when i see my ds

Good you have back up, not weak to be happy to see your son remember that.

What time are you going Frosty?

Frosty your sito is literally identical to mine. Ex's parents lead court proceedings, ex is a fuckwit, abuse, anti deps, 3yr old etc etc- we totally sound the same!

I have taken to calling him Mr now, to totally keep things professional, as far as Im concerned every time I get the whole 'she has a sore bum again you are obv a shitty negletcful mother blah blah blah' texts I smile, think how for a shit mum he did a great job of leaving her with me, and carry on doing puzzles with my little girl.

And every time you have a wobbly moment (like I do all the time), come on here and moan to us lot.

Just whatever you do, dont let your son pick up on anything. My dd actually thinks me and her father are good friends

thank you so much monkeyfacegrace, thank god i have someone to relate to, not that im glad ur also putting up with all the crap. so whats happening with your court proceedings have u ever done anything about the abusive texts legal-wise?

i have ds home now, as it went i couldnt manage to go to the door for him, my dad did as i was too upset. surprisingly my dad was invited in (i never am im restricted to the doorstep) and his mother had the cheek to ask if im ok to which my dad just said "well y'know".

anyway due to him deciding he could have him til an hour later, ds had half an hours sleep on way home, ive just finished bath and suppertime now and of course he isnt tired now he's grumpy and wants to play rather than go to bed - entirely unappropriate when he has pre-school tomorrow. I need to go back to my solicitor as he is unable to handle anything amicably bewteen us and alter the contact times to more suitable for a child his age.

he currently has him 1 til 6.30pm on a wed and 4.30 saturday til 6pm sunday alternate weekends. bearing in mind we have half an hours travelling i feel its too late to be able to continue his bedtime routine.

just an update - been to doctors and he's writing a report for my solicitor about my depression and says its caused by emotional abuse. I've been put on fluoxetine and given the option for counselling which im going to see about on monday.

I have a solicitors appointment on Thursday and im taking a log of the texts and their contents, including my replies to see if im able to get an injuction against him to stop him from doing it.

That all sounds great Frosty...very positive onwards and upwards!

How are you doing Frosty?
My ex is still being a dick. Booked a last minute holiday today, so need dd1 home late Sun night instead of early Mon morn.
The response? Sorry no can do, you should have let me know earlier! (the clue was in the 'booked today' line )
What twunts!
Has your ex done anything that we can giggle about his stupidity? x

Sorry didnt read your last response to me.
No Ive never dragged his texts into court, I need to do the big, I am holier than thou routine.
He took me to court for the first time a few months ago. He expected me to fight and for it to cost me a fortune. My gameplan was to fuck him off totally, so I represented myself so it didnt cost me a penny!

Then, I tottered around in my power suit, and spoke in my poshest voice (which believe it or not is actually very posh!), and belittled him so much infront of the judge that he just melted! I offered more contact than he asked for, asked him why he had missed a few dates, invited him to our dd's birthday party (which was obv he couldnt come due to relations between us, but he still had to decline in front of the judge).

Judge totally went with me, said I was being more than ameniable (sp?), and said he wished all mothers were as reasonable as me.

So, if you get stupid texts (which, lets be honest, are only sent to provoke a reaction), get ur bum on here and tell us so we can laugh at him.

If he really thought you were a bad mum he would have fought tooth and nail to get custody, so its cheap words.

Keep out of court/legal stuff as much as you can, its hassle you dont need.

Your son loves you, but you have to let him love his father too, as there is a huge difference between the relationship of you and your ex, and him and his father.

Its shit, it really is, but youve got this far, stay strong x

ah yeah you know even after all the prickish things he's done/said to me I've never stopped ds from seeing him and i try (pretty well) to keep my feelings hidden from ds. Like i say, i only want to stop him contacting me in an abusive way.

You're so brave representing yourself, luckily I got legal aid for the last part of the court process (although it had cost me over a grand up til that point) as I was a mess back then with all the stress he had me under and there was no way i could have done that!

Believe me he has done many things for us to laugh about! for example ringing me one night when he had ds to tell me he was having a house party and that ds was drunk. texting me on xmas day for sex it actually said - come to mine for sex! and threatening to tell my solicitor he'd heard i had done it in a taxi 7 years ago(ds is 3 so what relevance this had i do not know)....... i could write a book of stupidity!!!

ooh ive remembered some more - telling the judge i hadnt allowed him to bath ds at my house after it was decided he would at previous court case - i then showed him the text i had received saying he wasnt coming to bath him.

texting me 2 minutes after court saying he wanted to bend me over the table and "do me", whilst i was still with my solicitor.

Having made arrangements to get ds christened via mediation he turned up at my vicars house with 2 black eyes - as did the 2 godfathers he had picked.

as i mentioned in op he swapped contact from sat to friday one night, went out and got arrested for murder and spent 4 days locked up. I heard about it from a friend, not his family and ds was still in their care..........

Lol god why did we chose these guys hey?!!

honestly havent a clue - i cant think of one redeeming factor of exp's personality!!!