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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

I am completely shocked to find out if exp takes me to court I may ave to change dd's surname........

37 replies

cantpickyourfamily · 01/10/2008 16:34

I gave dd my surname as exp was not there for me throughtout the pregnancy but after the birth we got back together. He wanted dd to have his surname or atleast a double barrelled surname and I said no, so he would not put his name on her birth certificate.

Now he said he will go to court to get his name on her birth cert and give her a double barreled surname.

I am shocked and upset that as her mother who gave birth to her and gave up my life to look after her I cannot decide her surname...

I know he is her farther and he also feels hurt that she has not got his surname but I feel he can carry on with his life as nomal and come to see dd when ver he fancies.

I on the other hand have saggy boobs and belly and spend everyday looking after my dd (which I love doing) but it has change my whole life forever...

Why can I not decide her surname.

OP posts:

ilove · 01/10/2008 16:39

well...she is 50% his too...

SmugColditz · 01/10/2008 16:41

Just because something is on her birth certificate doesn't mean you have to use it.

Freckle · 01/10/2008 16:42

You can. He can apply to have his name added to the birth certificate, but that doesn't give him the right to decide on her name. You can't change the name on the birth certificate anyway, unless you get married.

Carmenere · 01/10/2008 16:44

How about looking at it like this. As a child she may well want to have his name at least as part of her name as he is her father. Do it for her, it is a human being you are talking about not a power struggle.

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 01/10/2008 16:47

I am just shocked, I never thought he could do this...

And I will be glad that his name is on her birth certificate, but did not want her to have his surname as I am the one that will have to take her to school and everywhere else so that is why I wanted her to have my surname as it would save the embarressement of being unmarried...

OP posts:

sclubheaven · 01/10/2008 16:50

He can get his name on the birth certificate, but that does not alter your dd's surname. It would have to be changed by deed poll.

Freckle · 01/10/2008 16:53

When she's older, if she wants to have his name, she can choose to do that and her name can be changed by deed poll. However, if her name is changed now and her dad then disappears out of her life, she's stuck with a name she may not want, unless she changes it again.

Tbh, I would want to see some sort of long-term commitment from him before agreeing to a name change and I suspect that a court would too. Does he see her regularly? Does he pay maintenance?

PoppyFox · 01/10/2008 16:59

Well, once registered, her name is legally what's on her birth cert.

A court order can force access and maintenance, but I don't think there is such thing as a court order to change a sur name. I could be wrong. But I don't think that a judge would agree that a child MUST have its father's name.

I could be wrong, but I don't think he can force you to do this. The judge will be thinking of the child's best interests.

ARe you separated now? If you're still with him this must be tricky!

Freckle · 01/10/2008 17:04

The court can order a name change, but they would want to see that this is in the best interests of the child, not just because a dad wants it (he wasn't there during the pregnancy and seems to have split from the OP again so doesn't appear to be terribly committed).

gillybean2 · 01/10/2008 17:04

He can take you to court to get his name added to the certificate in the 'father's name' box, but not to get her surname changed. Otherwise you could change your child's name as many times as you liked! He might want it to be double barrelled, but I'm sure it's too late now.

What makes him think he can get the child's surname amended too? Because as far as i'm aware you can't change it or cause a child to be known by a name other than the one on their birth certificate without the agreement of everyone with PR. And you have PR and he doesn't until his name goes on the certificate.

Personally I would make it clear that you are happy for his name to be added to the certificate as 'father'. That's assuming you still are as you said you were before.... A court will pretty much do that anyhow and it will look like you're being reasonable and he's the one being unreasonable stating he wouldn't unless he could have it his way, and then when he didn't get his way he takes you to court...

Make sure you put it in writing for him and keep a copy so hit's not a he said she said disagreement.

I really don't think he can get the surname double barrelled at this stage, and not against your will either. Check it out with your local CAB (citizen's advice) though to be sure.

VineGOREDtits · 01/10/2008 17:06

Blimey cantpickyourfamily, are you me! i did the same, got back with ex who wasnt there for me through pg, put his name on ds birth certificate, then split up again. i now have 2 copies, one with just my name, one with double barrel, i hide the one with his name at the back of the cupboard and just use the origional, even got ds his passport with it. You dont have to use the one with his name on it, i dont.

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 01/10/2008 17:07

We are seprated, my solictior said the court can rule that I add his surname to dd's name so she would then have both my and his surname.

As he is seeing her regulary and has just started paying maintenance. We have only recently seprated...

My solicitor said if dd was older and could write her name or knew what her full name was then we could argue. Or if she was at school it would be different as it would be unfair to her to change her name half way through school.

But as she is only 14months none of the above apply so he has got a really really good chance of her having both our surnames...

OP posts:

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 01/10/2008 17:08

And actually my worry is what if he disappears out of her life when he finally gets that we are not getting back together.

When I was pregnant he did not contact me for 7 weeks at one stage, so did not know if his unborn baby was ok or not..

OP posts:

yerblurt · 01/10/2008 17:08

why is it a problem to have his name on the birth certificate, recognising that the child has a biological dad and maybe have a double-barrelled surname?

jellybeans · 01/10/2008 17:09

When I was unmarried, DD had my name as I didn't want us to have different surnames if DP and me split. Most of my unmarried friends gave their DPs surname and some have now split and have dif names, sometimes for several dif children (if they have had more to another DP), gets confusing. When we got married we both changed to DPs. However, if we had split no way would I have changed DD name to DH, I wanted her to have the same as me as we would be living together. Just say no, as long as he is on the certificate that is all he can do.

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 01/10/2008 17:12

Vinegoretits - I am not choosing to let dd have his surname, he is taking me to court and my solicitor advised that the court probably will let him give dd a double barrelled surname.

OP posts:

VineGOREDtits · 01/10/2008 17:14

Never said you had to choose was just saying you dont have to use it if it comes to that.

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 01/10/2008 17:15

jellybean - I agree with you I gave dd my surname, and exp said he wanted us to get married so I said when we have done that I will change dd's surname as well as mine, as she is my daughter and as I have givien up my life to have her and lok after her I feel it is only fair for her to have my surname.

OP posts:

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 01/10/2008 17:18

vinegoredtits - I just wanted to let you know that the only way dd will have a double barrelled surname is if the court forces me as I will never choose to do it.

And I am just so shocked that someone else has the right to make me give dd a double barrelled surname when I don't want to...

OP posts:

VineGOREDtits · 01/10/2008 17:19

Well fathers have rights too you know

J2O · 01/10/2008 17:23

haven't read it all, but when i registered dd2, i was given a form incese the sperm donor ever wants to be on the birth certificate (which he wont) and the registrar said that if we do ever use the form, her name(s) could be changed through the form too.

dittany · 01/10/2008 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Blackduck · 01/10/2008 17:30

I think your solicior is wrong unless the law has changed recently. when I had ds and registered him I gave him both our surnames, the registrar was at pains to point out that I could not change ds'sname in the future (i.e. if dp and I split up) and that the only way his name could be changed is if I married dp in which case he could take dp's name. So I can't see how a court can force you to change the childs name...

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 01/10/2008 17:31

it is just so unfair I cannot belive all the things I have gone through and given up to have dd.

And her dad who is not a terrible father has done so much less than me and has the same rights, it is sooooo unfair...

OP posts:

Original poster

cantpickyourfamily · 01/10/2008 17:38

Maybe I should get a second opinion as I am soooo shocked that I cannot believe it is true...

OP posts:

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