Absolutely fucking suicidal

[PurpleOne]

and I mean literally.

I cannot go on like this. Really.
I am bored of the dcs, eeven though I love them to bits, somebody else could give them a better life surely?
I am so fucking lonely. Every man I date has ishooos or wants sex.
Exh has moved on and is married now. He is ripping me off with maintenance. So much so, I am getting docked the money in my IS but he isnt paying it.
His wife is a cunt. And my kids tell me that too. She hits them, says things about mummy in front of them. Threatens to slap me. Devout religious the pair of them now.

My best mate and my parents fucked me off cause they all thought I was a shit mum, and my best mate told me so (in her married up, 3 bed house, 2 car, £1.300 Smeg fridge bubble)
I only told my mum not to smoke in here (1 year anniverasry coming up) My dad took her side...we have no other family left.
I have no mates left. The only ones left are enablers that I tell not to bring drink, and they still do. I am an alcoholic and have been for the past year or so. Been to AA, tried reduction, nothing works., Need a bloody detox but doctor wont offer it because I'm unsupported.

Falling behind with my OU courses. Always bloody working and can't afford childcare so means my kids are left to run riot and my house is wrecked by the end of the day. Then I try and clean it up.

There is no fucking solution. There is no support. My kids would be better off without me. All I ever do is work, clean up my house and get pissed. I try to go out on dates but exh wrecks it all cause the dd;s tell him....then arrives late.

I've been through DV without any counselling...and I think this is the root cause of it all...but I still want to die.
Can't be arsed anymore. Just totally fed up of being unloved, unwanted and unneeded. Criticised, moaned at and just being a shit person.

purple one- you are worth so much more - first thing tomorrow please please please get another doctor - one who won't palm you off with tablets - tell them straight it's not what you want they're not working and you're so close to the edge you can't see any way back - lay it on the line.

agree speak to the samaritians - I didn't realise they closed of a night- is there not a national number for you to ring?

i'm not close other wise i'd gladly offer to help you out somewhat - even if it was only taking your girls out for a spell (as long as they helped me to occupy DS! lol)

things will pick up - I knwo it's easy for us to all say it, but honestly some of us like you have been to the edge and fort to come back again.

I understand what you're saying about the lack of support but you really do need something - if you go into a detox programme will your mum watch your girls for you for a few weeks? you need her support as well and i'm sorry but calling you a bad mother is not support - tough love yes but there's other ways of doing it when you're feeling so low.

please for tonight, dont' drink, or at least cut it right back to the minimum amount. get yourself back to your AA sessions. See CAB as well tomorrow.

I wonder if the AD's are having an adverse effect as well - re the dazed etc?? are they new tablets - tbh if you brought them online, please don't take offense but are they safe (ie up to british standards)

please get yourself back to your gp.

glad you came back purple one

i cant offer any advice as i am quite flakeyt

but you will get through...hang in there

Are you getting counselling - ie cognitive behavioural therapy? Your Gp can refer you, and if he won't, change your GP.
What meds are you buying on the internet?
How do you feel about seeing the CAB about your debt worries?
Things can be sorted. You need to take little steps so you aren't simply paralysed by misery.
You know if you killed yourself your children would go and live with your evil ex and an unloving stepmother who hits them. This cannot be what you want. It cannot be an improvement for them. But you can one day want to live for yourself as well as your children. This is a bad time, for sure, and right now you cannot imagine any change, but change is inevitable, and you can make it happen faster.

Print this thread out and give it to your gp - it says everything for you

YOU need help
YOU deserve help
YOU are special
YOU are a mum
YOU have a life that CAN be better
You will be ok
YOU must get through tonight and start afresh tomorrow
You must call samaritans now - they will not be closed
LOve tou you - I wish you only better times my darling

oh on the meds thing

i am a meds refusenik and have had problems with that

but just today after a lonmg tiome i seem to have got to a breakthrough on that with a new psychiatrist...hard to do but you might get somewhere by pushing

of course when you most need help its when you are least able

x

purpleone -

This is the phone number for the alcohol advisory service in Ilford

• 020 82520002

Ask them about home detox

try and go to AA if you can, you are so brave coming on here to ask for help,

but don't hurt yourself anymore, your kids need you and you are worth so much more

you offered me some advice a while back and it was great - thank you for that
and debt can get sorted - go to CAB

ring the samaritans - I have when I was really low and they are there to listen

thinking of you (()))

their phone number is 08457 90 90 90 xxxx

One of the hardest things to do when you are feeling so low is to demand help. It can take such a lot of energy just to get there and ask that when you are rebuffed it can feel like a massive smack in the face rather than a little set back. I'm not belittling anything you are going through, rather I understand how hard it can be to keep asking when you get knocked back.
Please see another doc, if there are others in the surgery, until you get one that'll listen and act.
CAB are great at debt stuff, but also look for Welfare Rights too, my sis swears by them.
Samaritans have a 24/7 number 08457 90 90 90 and an email too [email protected] Their website has a lot of further links that can maybe take you to more help.
You can get through this, people do survive and do move on.
You can too. x

Oh, and ADs can have very strange effects when mixed with alcohol, try and talk to someone, maybe a pharmacist or NHS 24, if not your doc about side effects. And please make sure your internet meds and AD are actually compatible.

are you still there purple one?

we all care.

Spandex - its DTM in disguise isn't it? Something you said really touched a nerve. When you mentioned my mum taking the dd's. Trouble is we don't talk anymore. She stormed out of my house a year ago. I've rung her, I've sent cards, I've even held out an olive branch even though she was in the wrong. She's not interested, and as my dad has taken her side, they both don't want to know. Even if we were talking and I asked her to help with the detox - she's one of these people 'made your bed, you lie in it'.

I didn't buy AD's off the net. Some stuff called Campral (alcohol craving stuff) and Antabuse.
I do go and see a keyworker at the Redbridge drugs and alcohol service. Had my LFT done last time I saw her. She won't give me home detox either, but she told me not to stop drinking as well, due to withdrawals and stuff.

Just the little things can be such a huge issue for me really. And it's those little things that turn into huge things and so the snowball starts to roll. Even my OU essay came back today, marked as 'not achieved'.

afaik antabuse is very dodgy it doesnt tolerate drinking or azbuse so why it is prescribed drug

PO - I didn't know you had a problem with alcohol. My 'quit drinking' seems very flippant now. I'm sorry x

feck the ou essay for a second. you cant do everything.

dont want to repeat all the previous posts but the idea of printing this out and showing it to a NEW doctor is a great idea.

find a new doctor.

if not, turn up to a clinic. or a hospital. explain that you NEED help.

this is so important as the doctors should help you with your immediate pain and feelings of hopelessness. then on the issue of drinking.

i really wish i could help practically but i do not live near you, not even in the country.

Hi Purple one

antabuse can make you very very ill if you drink / use deodrants with alcohol in etc

but it can be useful - one of my friends was on it for a couple of years while she overcame her alcoholism

she too was suicidal and is so much happier.

i am very sorry about your relationship with your mum

and as for your essay - find out why, I am at uni and my essay failed coz of poor referencing ... and good on you for going at all - what are you studying?

Well Purpleone - I am just blown away by hard you are fighting. Every single thing that occurred to me - you are already doing.

I'm sat here racking my brains for a chink of light, for the next place you could go, for something that will make a difference to you.

The OU course is a positive - apart from this assignment - are you enjoying it? Where is it going to?

When were things OK/good? Did you see that thing about 6 degrees of separation i.e. from that to now and also back to feeling good could well be just a case of breaking this unholy mess down into those small steps. Have I totally lost you ?

Can you call the out-of-hours doctor and see if they can help?

Keep posting - here and listening.

yes it's me purple - sorry I touched a raw nerve, I didn't mean to. I understand what you're saying about your parents but given the situation it's a little poor form on their part (given how they could do it for your DD's) but still. Once you do come through this - and you WILL get thru this, it will be all your hard work which no one can ever take away from you.

You are a strong lady to come this far.

re the course agree for now I think it needs a back burner. keep it ticking along if you can, but have you explained everything to your tutor, to see if you can defer it for a year?

also said to cut down on the alcohol as I realised that coming off totally wouldn't be an option - please don't try to do that unless you have the proper help to do it.

am not sure on the meds your on - but still think you'd be better off with a different doctor all together.

keep talking to us, we are here listening.

Hi,

Please don't do anything drastic - there is help all around you.

The debts are worrying but there is a service that will help you - they will speak to your debtors on your behalf and you can agree to make payments at a level that suits you. Please get in touch with them:

www.cccs.co.uk/

I think you should also see the doctor. I have had depression symptons for a while but didn't want to take medication fot it. I was also scared that the doctor would put it on record and that it could affect my job prospects. I shouldn't have worried - you can ask the doctor to keep it confidential.

I am about to see a counsellor this week and I think taliking things through can really help.

You sound like a good person who is facing challenges but its okay to ask for help - nobody is perfect

Best wishes

Purpleone unfortunately you are in a dark hole at the moment and you need to drag yourself out of it (most of us on here have been in it at some point)with the help of others, I really think that first of all you should leave the OU course for now, its the least of your worries and you can also pick it back up when you are feeling yourself again. You need to go back to your GP and be forceful (girl power) and demand that they help you, you could go to social services and ask for some help but you may not want to go that route because of your drinking, although they might arrange for some respite where you get a couple of hours off to go and do what you want to do, they might even pay for some childcare.

Go to the CAB about your debts and they will come up with a debt plan for you and sort out your creditors, sounds like you don't work that many hours per week so it might be an idea at the moment to jack that in until you get yourself straight, but, if thats the only link to the outside world you may not want to do that.

At the moment seeing its school holidays you aren't ging to have a tidy house, but you can have mass tidy up at the end of the day and get your children to help by making it a game.

Your ex's wife hitting your children is a no no and is assult, maybe re-think your access arrangements until you are sure your children are going to be safe, maybe get some legal advice on this. Just because your ex is self employed doesn't mean he can get away from hardly paying anything, the Inland Revenue will have details of what he has earned and the CSA are able to get this information of them, might be an idea to get onto the CSA.

Im sorry you don't have any support from your family, you don't deserve the treatment you are getting, I think you have done your best to make amends and its not good enough for them, would it be easier to write down exactly what you think of them to get it out of your head, you don't have to post it but it might make you feel a bit better.

Email me fitbab98 @ hotmail . com (without the spaces)

xxxx

Morning purpleone,

How's the day going? My house is a tip and I am ignoring it. MN or cleaning - well, MN, then .

Have you tried listing all the bad stuff and only looking at one problem, at a time? Downloading it to get it out of your head?

I often block stuff out and actually tell people that I am not dealing with whatever that issue is at the moment. I can only do one thing at a time, particularly when it is the hard stuff like finances, budgets, debt, ex-partners, work. Yesterday I did the bank, today I am chasing a man with a digger.

Take care and come and talk to us.

Purpleone,

I can't add anything useful to what other people have said, but hope you're feeling a tiny bit better today.

Sending you a giant hug xx

Both of the dd's are out at mo, so have a little bit of 'quiet'.
Tinkerbel - I totally agree with you. I started the OU courses to try and make myself feel better. Instead of feeling a damn failure all the time, just wanted a sense of achievement. But I took on too much, and with other stuff going round my head, I'm seriously falling behind.
Your also right in the sense that I don't work much. Just enough to stick to the DWP laws of keeping £20. I do 4 hours a week. Less than min wage I know, and it's hard work but it keeps me out of trouble and gets me out the house.

The other thing that's been really bothering me is the fact the choice was taken away from me regarding Social Services. The school made a referral behind my back when I was honest enough to tell them about the drink problem. It's enough of a struggle with the hangover and the depression to get my arse out of bed, so dd2 was late quite a lot. Education welfare got involved, they offered me no support or sympathy either...so now am waiting for a court summons with great gusto (not) When the head teacher and Education welfare officer mentioned 'child protection' to me at a meeting, I came home and cried like a fucking baby.
Exh doesn't know about my drinking, as he would use it as a stick to beat me with, but I have asked him numerous times to pick dd2 up and take her to school. He never does. Always moaning about the mess in here. I even ask him to give the girls a shower when they get to his place when the Gas meter has run out, he moans about that it costs him money...Hmm okay, says he, who has just got back from a 3 week holiday in the Maldives...

Every damn day is such a bloody struggle and I dread going to bed as I know it'll be the same shit again tomorrow.
I joined one of those debt management plans. They told me I'd be debt free in 3 and half years. Pay that at £20 a week and no interest. Can't even pay them now, as the direct debit has bounced twice. Won't see my child benefit now for 3 weeks, because of that.

I miss my family, I miss my best mate. Want to go back to work properly but the system makes it twice as hard. We've never had a proper holiday, just the 3 of us. Took dd1 to Chessington at Easter which she loved, but finished the day off with me having a slap round the face from her instead

It's all so black and horrid in here...

1066 - you just made me smile! Now am picturing you chasing a man in a digger Benny Hill style

Hi Purple One, was where you are about a year ago. Spent a night in the cells after going round ex's new girlfriend's flat when I was royally pissed, police called, assaulted orificer, bit ex, daughter was with them and saw it all. Now have criminal record! When I walked out of there the next morning I thought I'd never come right and the world had finally fallen apart.

But am here a year later and back on track. I did it by talking to people really and asking for help. Like you're doing here. It all helps. Feel for you and all the best, it does get better.

Well, you made me LOL, too, as there are some men I would happily bury with the digger , if I can ever get it to turn up, that is.

Look you have got to the accepting stage - you know what the problems are, you know how to sort them (those that you can) - what is the one thing you would change instantly and that is where you start again.

Post it here and see how many ways we can all come up with to sort it. Someone just might help you find the breakthrough you need.