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Original poster

would this annoy you? and if it did...how would you handle it?

35 replies

pinguthepenguin · 14/07/2008 19:29

my exp's gf (of 10months) asking my childminder for her number, then contacting her directly about pick ups/drop offs?

I'm livid- she was the OW, but to be honest that isn't my main drive- it's just the sheer cheek of it. I feel like they are trying to push e out of the equation. Exp is very invloved in DD's life ( she is only 1yo) has lots of access, plently of awful opinions on how I should do things etc, but is generally a good dad. He recently moved in with gf, and is now referring to her as 'we' whenever he is discussing our daughter, i.e, 'we' have just bought DD a new toy, 'we' gave DD chicken for tea. I've ignored it all,but this is getting too much- he is now getting gf to drop baby at childminders on his days with her, and now I find that she has asked the childminder for her number and has been contacting her directly. I have tried so hard to accept her role in my childs life, and given the lightning speed at which their relationship has progressed, I've not done too badly, even invited her to DD's first birthday, ( and it's only been 10months since they ran off together) so why has this angered me so much? What can I do?

I phoned exp, but as always, he told me to get lost.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 14/07/2008 19:32

oh dear - you must feel a bit like they are ganging up on you. i would admittedly feel quite threatened by this situation although in some ways to them i imagine it makes sense. referring to each other as we i think you will just have to accept i am afraid. they are a we now. i appreciate it hurts but its not the main issue here. who pays for the child care.

Tippychick · 14/07/2008 19:32

I get why this pisses you off. I really do

But, if she is dropping off then it is reasonable I guess for her to have childminder's number? A good thing even?

I have no advice, my life is a mess and I can't sort myself out let alone you! But I do feel for you.

Fadge · 14/07/2008 19:34

Unless you have given Written! permission for them to talk, your Childminder SHOULD NOT be giving out any info to this woman. And again unless she has permission she should not be picking up.

Does your exp have parental responsibility? Is he on the contract?

Little thing called confidentiality!

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/07/2008 19:46

her ada has PR, by virtue of the birth cert I guess. he pays maintenance, which contributes towards the cost of the childcare, so he feels as though he has some right to have opinions about the childminder etc. The issue here is that he didn't even have the chilminders number, yet this cheeky cow felt that she was somehow entitled to it!
Admittedly, exp has asked for it in the past, and I kind of put off giving it to him as he is so controlling, I didn't want hime to know absolutley everything. However, when I contacted him today to say I was not happy about this, he said he asked his gf to get the number- that she didn';t take th initiative herself. After that, he told me it was no 'effing' big deal, and put the phone down. I am so annoyed that there doesn't seem to be any avenue of my childs life that it I ahve full say in- they are incolved in some or another, and the childminder was one thing that I tool care of. Not now though- if gf has the number and is not afraid to contact her directly, there isn't anything I can do.

Every single week (honestly) there seems to be some boundary or limit that has been pushed and I never say anything, cos its not worth it- he is truly awful to communicate with. But I just know that this won't stop here- next thing she wil be taking her to the doctors, hairdressers, you name it.

OP posts:
Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/07/2008 19:47

so many typos there- sorry

Childminder didn't realise there was anything wrong with giving the number

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mistressmiggins · 14/07/2008 19:53

depends whether they are picking up from childminder
if not, its none of their business

my exH doesnt have rights to pick up DCs from school or nursery BECAUSE there is a limit to the number of named people and he lives 3 hrs away so I can never use him as an emergency

he seems to accept this

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/07/2008 19:56

yes he picks her up from the childminder once, maybe twice a week, no more. Seemingly thoughm he has started delegating this task to her.

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spicemonster · 14/07/2008 19:57

If either one of them are doing drop off/pick up with CM then they need to have her number I think. And if he lives with his gf and she's doing drop offs, then she should have it too.

Sorry. I do really feel for you but I think it's sensible. Having said that, I understand why it hurts - must feel like she has her fingers in every aspect of your DD's life

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/07/2008 20:02

I am so angry at the way he treats me though. If I ever raise any concern, he is awful to me - just puts the phone right down if he feels it is bordering on not going his way.
As for her, I can't believe she feels the need to be so involved in her life this quickly. Isn't there such a thing as taking time? I could bet he would have an issue with me moving so quickly with a guy.

At what point do I get to say it's not ok?

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Fadge · 14/07/2008 20:12

If he has PR and he picks up from the CM, then I am sorry, he should have the number - although still would make sure CM knows to discuss things only with your or he and not with this GF.

Anyway you'd better get used to it, he can have his say ( and rightly so imo) in everything to do with his child.

Sorry you don't like that. You don't get to say it's not ok, it's not the way it works ( been there and got the T shirt!!)

mistressmiggins · 14/07/2008 20:14

if she is OW, then she may feel she has to be involved as if he can do the dirty on you & child, he can certainly do the dirty on her.

IF they pick up from CM, then they do need the number. I do feel for you if GF/OW is picking your child but the most important thing in all this is your child.

Im lucky in that respect as exH & OW live so far away that they have nothing to do with DCS daily life so I can just get on with it.

nkf · 14/07/2008 20:22

He will always have some say though because he's her father. I think that some men are so bone idle about the details of their children's lives that as soon as they get a girlfriend they delegate the "women's" bit of the childcare to her. Hence all those unhappy posts about clothes and haircuts. I'm sorry for you. It sounds unbearable but I guess they do have to have the number.

TheProvincialLady · 14/07/2008 20:24

It's not easy to accept I am sure, but your ex's relationship is really none of your business. It doesn't matter how quickly they got involved etc. Similarly, when you find another partner it will be none of your ex's business and if he sees fit to comment you can tell him where to go.

If you were still together then all these parenting decisions would be in both your hands and you would not be in full control of your DD life, as you put it. Your DD has two parents and that has not changed because she lives mainly with you.

You are angry with your ex and it is too early for you for his new relationship to be so serious and for his girlfriend to be interested in his DD life...completely understandable, but it doesn't make your ex's actions (or his girlfriend's) wrong. They are a couple and they are trying to build a life together and naturally that will include any children.

I know all this is easy for me to say, but from an outsider's perspective that is how it seems. It doesn't make it any easier on you though If I were you I would post here about this kind of issue before rushing to ring your ex to berate him - you need to get it off your chest but if you keep doing it you will just swicth him off altogether. Pick your battles.

prettyfly1 · 14/07/2008 20:24

can i make a suggestion. rather then rail against her bring an old adage into play. "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" . encourage her to talk to you about what the childminder feeds back to her include her - even if it kills you - and take advantage of the help they give. explain that its not that you resent their help you just feel a little bit pushed out.

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/07/2008 20:42

Thank you for your input, however hard it is to read some of it!

I'd just like to make something clear though girls- apart from a few early hissy fits,I have been super amicable. I didn't kick up a fuss when he took DD to stay in her house weeks after we split ( when she was only 5mo). I let them take her on hols when she was 6mo, I accept that she sometimes (regularly actually) takes care of my DD when he is at work. But to be honest, he has always dealt with DD's life with me directly, and for some bizzare reason there has been some 'gf overload' in the last 2 weeks, in the sense that she has been dropping DD back to me on her own after visits, and now this issue with the cm. I don't get how they've figured inside their heads that its ok to suddenly involve his gf like this.
It really isn't about her- if you look at some of my previous threads, you'll see I've left him well behind. I just feel that this is yet another boundary that has been crossed, like I don't exist. I'm furious.

I should point out that this woman makes zero attempt to communicate with me,although I have never been rude to her.

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Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/07/2008 20:45

I have met someone- 6 months ago actually, and maybe it's because we women are different or something, but nm is nowhere near as involved in my DD's life. He has spent the odd afternoon with us, but thats it. I am more than happy to keep it this way for now and could honestly say it would be years before I could see myself allowing him the kind of involvement in her life that exp handed over to OW in a matter of days.

OP posts:
prettyfly1 · 14/07/2008 20:52

pingu i think you need to accept that it looks like she is going nowhere and find a way to deal with her that doesnt involve pissing your ex off. as hard as it is she is his partner now and you are not. what you are is the mother of his child. you need to learn to respect and talk to one another as you will both be involved in your childs upbringing. be the grown up. extend an olive branch.

prettyfly1 · 14/07/2008 20:53

and thats not me saying i dont understand btw - i do. i just dont think the situation will change.

Fluffybubble · 14/07/2008 20:59

Pingu - I am really lucky in one sense, as exh lives too far away to be too involved with ds. On the other hand, my ds misses out as a result....I REALLY don't envy you though, and you do sound like you have been hugely accommodating.

Have you thought about mediation at all? This would just take place between you and your ex, and what you agree between the two of you would be documented. It may be one way of regaining some of the ground you seem to be losing, and I have found that it has helped me to deal directly with my ex, rather than feeling outnumbered by him and his gf....

nkf · 14/07/2008 21:04

I don't understand why women think it's okay to get involved in details of childcare over children they are not related to just because they are having a relationship with the father. I think men do it because they find childcare boring and would rather get someone else to do but the women amaze me. Have they no sensitivity?

Fluffybubble · 14/07/2008 21:05

...Not sure that I put the thing about mediation well...What I meant was that this discussion only includes you and your ex, as those who have PR for your dd. It may be a way of regaining some control as, ultimately, your dd is very young, and decisions regarding her upbringing and well-being need to be decided by the two of you. It sounds as if the new gf is determined to be involved, but the decision making is still down to you and your ex.

For what it's worth, I can see the point of them having the cm's number, but I imagine it just seems like yet another thing that the gf has a say in...I would find that very hard...

Original poster
pinguthepenguin · 14/07/2008 21:07

he would never attend mediation and anyway, to be honest, things go pretty ok in between times. Its only when I disagree with ex in any way at all that we have troubles. he is a textbook passive aggressive- will not be challended at all. I actually believe that he has mental issues.

Think as you say, I'll just have to accept it. I think though, I've smehow portrayed myself as the scorned other woman, when it really isn't the case at all. I am jst completely disregarded as my childs mother by both of these people and it is hard to swallow. There have been too many incidences to mention here, but it's constant and it is disheartening to realise that my relationship with my child will not be what it could have been because of them.

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Fluffybubble · 14/07/2008 21:16

Even if things are pretty settled between the two of you generally it may be useful to consider mediation - possibly once every 6 months for a 'catch up' session, to discuss the past 6 months, plan for the next 6 etc... It makes you sound ultra reasonable, whilst retaining some element of control. As a passive aggressive, you may find that he continues to push the boundaries without some comeback...Mediators are usually pretty good at staying neutral and seeing through the crap...

bignutbrownhare · 14/07/2008 21:50

'it is disheartening to realise that my relationship with my child will not be what it could have been because of them.'

Pingu, please don't ever think that. You are her mummy so please don't let your xp and his gf make you feel like this. I really feel for you (am not in that situation, yet, but am dreading something like it happening). His gf is probably trying to prove to him what a great prospect she is by 'taking on' your dd, and, tbh, it could be worse, but I completely see where you're coming from. But you are mummy, nobody will ever take your place on your dd's life.

TheProvincialLady · 14/07/2008 22:12

No no no, you will always be your DD mummy. Any girlfriend/wife of your ex will always be just that, no matter how good a relationship they may come to have. I agree with bigbrownhare, the girlfriend is trying to show how marvellously motherly she is, etc.

Now that you have said more I think I remember your posts from before, when all this was new. It was a crappy situation then and is a crappy situation now, but I am sure things will get better for you.

Do you really feel that you are disregarded as a mother, or could it be just that things are so raw at the moment for everyone that it comes across like that? They would have to be pretty callous people to do it.