would this annoy you? and if it did...how would you handle it?

[pinguthepenguin]

my exp's gf (of 10months) asking my childminder for her number, then contacting her directly about pick ups/drop offs?

I'm livid- she was the OW, but to be honest that isn't my main drive- it's just the sheer cheek of it. I feel like they are trying to push e out of the equation. Exp is very invloved in DD's life ( she is only 1yo) has lots of access, plently of awful opinions on how I should do things etc, but is generally a good dad. He recently moved in with gf, and is now referring to her as 'we' whenever he is discussing our daughter, i.e, 'we' have just bought DD a new toy, 'we' gave DD chicken for tea. I've ignored it all,but this is getting too much- he is now getting gf to drop baby at childminders on his days with her, and now I find that she has asked the childminder for her number and has been contacting her directly. I have tried so hard to accept her role in my childs life, and given the lightning speed at which their relationship has progressed, I've not done too badly, even invited her to DD's first birthday, ( and it's only been 10months since they ran off together) so why has this angered me so much? What can I do?

I phoned exp, but as always, he told me to get lost.

I think some men do have no qualms about introducing gf or in the case of one of my exHs friends each and every girlfriend to their children.

I feel for you as I would have found this very difficult if this had happened when mine were as young as yours. She sounds as though she might be trying to be overly motherly for whatever reason. And I can understand why this would feel threatening.

And it also can feel awful when they are the ones playing happy families when you are on your own and shielding DD from contact from new men.

In my own case exHs new DP was not the OW (as far as I know) however he did move on extremely quickly (he had all the freedom to do so) and in fact she is pg and ready to drop. I have never met her (he seems to be keeping us apart LOL) though my DS1 videod her on his phone (his own idea) and I have overheard her talking to my DS2 in the type of voice that those who don't have kids but who are trying to be patient. They also took DSs on holiday earlier this year.

I do feel a bit bitter that he is playing happy families in the lap of luxury when he poured scorn on ours and any attempt I made to make a happy one. And that my role can seem marginalised at times.

And when I saw someone he was kept totally separate from DSs.

All along tho as others have said I have tried to be the bigger person. And as they also said you are DDS mummy and nothing will change that.

Girls

Thank you for your replies. I know that people say I am my DD's mummy and that won't ever change, but to be honest- I'm not walking around with my eyes closed here- I know what I know. I already have less of a 'grip' (for want of a better word) on my DD, in that she comes back from visits to his house, behaving differently than when she left. She is more aggressive somewhat and less interested in me. In fact (and I realise this may be incoherent babble, but you know your own child, don't you?)she seems rather disinterested in me full stop. I work full time, and DD spends 2 nights a week at his house, sometimes even 3- so in the grand scheme of things, I spend precios little time with my child as it is. What I don't need on top of that, is to be treated like a babysitter by either of them.

Despite whatever people say, I know that I would never have been spending so much time away from child had he not forced this situation upon me. I would probably be working part time, I would not be packing her off at weekends and I would not be dealing with the myriad of problems that comes with your child having two seperate lives.
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It feels hopeless- by virtue of his gf, exp now has a whole network of suppport in the form of her family- people who are willing to look after my DD when he can't and who have come to view my DD as part of their family. I, on the other hand, have no family at all to hand. For this reason, I rely on exp alot, and he is more than willing to help since it isn't always him 'helping' per se, but gf's family. ( he wasn't quite so forthcoming when they were in the first flushes of romance, but is now father of the year) I often wonder if my DD will come to feel as though I 'dump' her at his, or that she will come to prefer life at his house.

I know, I absolutely know that my relationship with my DD will be weaker because of these factors- it's just the way it is. The only way I can see of improving things, is perhaps if I worked less, then she would spend more time with me and so improve her attachment to me- but that is not feasible at all. Reducing her contact with her father is not the answer either- and not an option he would consider anyway

Children being "different" or playing up after being with their other parent is par for the course. We used to find that dsd played up when she first came to us .... come to think of it the house suddenly went hyper when she arrived last Friday - and she's 12 now! Her mum also used to complain that she was unsettled when getting back from visits from us. I don't think it was about anything other than a little girl getting excited to see her Daddy/Mummy.

I think the issue here Pingu is your self-confidence about your relationship with your dd. She has one mummy, that's you and no-one else can replace you. The gf may always be involved, they may get close, but she is no substitute for you. You need to start believing that .

Yes exH keeps banging on about new Ps wonderful supportive family and I do feel a twinge when I hear how my boys are being integrated into it.

I worry that they might prefer the bigger house that he is now living in.

BUT I have to grit my teeth and get on with it and I do welcome the breaks as work ft like you and the boys wear me out. In fact I encourage my exH to see them more as he doesn't see them enough in my opinion and not too our agreement.

It is heartbreaking and I don't know what the answer is. You sound quite understandably as though you are still grieving for what might have been whereas I feel certain that our split was right. I am a bit bitter that he appears to have ended up in such a reasonable position (though maybe he doesn't see it like that).

And I think the fact your dd is so young makes a difference.

Just a thought Pingu. Yes I think they should have the Childminders number if they are picking up/dropping off - She should probably have theirs, too. Would it be an idea for you to chat with the childminder? So she knows EXACTLY what is/isn't ok with you. I take it you hired her so she should call you to confirm any changes they may make - if that's what you are worried about. Also, why don't you set up a notebook system - keep it in the nappy bag if appropriate - for you & the CM to record events & needs of your DD - in case any info is lost in transit to you.

If you trust exp's gf with your DD then maybe it would be better to talk to her more since your exp sounds just like someone I know. Give her the pleasure of dealing with him!!!

the gf isn't interested in me. (well, shw was sufficiently curious about my life enough to take it, but thats another story). She doesn't even say hello to me, yet has such an involvement with my child. Talking to her wouldn't really be an option I don't think. Anyway, wouldn't that push the boundaries even further? The reason I say this is because, there has been a tenfold increase in her involvement with my DD in the last 2 weeks and that is because I invited her and her child to DD's first birthday party. Somehow in her mind, this 'opened the door' to what she was allowed to do, and literally in the 2 weeks since then, she has upped the ante- phoning my childminder, dropping her back to me without exp etc. Inviting her to the party was, I guess, my way of 'opening the door'- but not to my bloody detriment, or to my exclusion. To my mind, talking to her would make her go a step further.

Yes, sorry, I do see your point. Guess you've got the tough job of making him understand just who the parents are here. Good luck.

Pingu I think you need to claw back some control in this situation, seems to me like they are playing happy families and you are an outsider, its not the OW responsibility to ferry your child around and who is she anyway ???? do you know her history and do you know if she is trustworthy ???? It is your ex's responsibility to do the drop off and picks up, if he isn't available as he is at work then he doesn't have your daughter at that time, maybe a re-shuffle of access arrangment might be a good place to start so that when he does have her he gives her 24/7 attention

Tinkerbell, up until very recently, he always took full responsibilty for picking her up etc, but all of a sudden in the 2 weeks subsequesnt to DD's birthday party- all doors have been thrown open, and gf is fully involved. I asked exp last week why gf was always picking DD up recently, and he insisted that it was simply down to his work commitments, or a matter of convenience. I wasnt to scream when I hear that- because convenience simply isn't a bloody option for me. It's also funny that his work didn't interfere in the past when they both thought the gf was 'off limits' as far as DD was concerned. This change is new and it troubles me.

Unfortunately- I can't afford the luxury of insisting that DD only goes there when he is off work. If I did that it wold affect my own work and I'd never socialise myself.
I guess some people are now going to say I can't have it both ways, but the issue here is that I have no say on what exp does with DD when she is at their house- and I ahve accepted that. But I find this interference in MY issues innappropiate. My childs childcare arrangements are the one thing I've been able to hang on to- I hired her!

You didn't hire her ;) sorry I know thats not the point, but it's a huge bugbear of mine, no parent employs a Childminder, they are self employed and offer you a service and charge you for it

And breathe!!

Right, one owuld hope that you already have a good relationship with your CM anyway ( otherwise why place DD there?>) so talk to her, make sure that nothing you don't want divulging to the GF is divulged.
If your exp chooses to tell her stuff fair enough, you cannot stop that, but you CAN stop your CM saying anything other than HELLO! to her when she picks your DD up.
As I said way back on start of page 1

CONFIDENTIALITY!!