Ex suddenly demanding 50/50 care after 10 years — WWYD?

[Smokeyeyed]

Hi all, I’d really appreciate some advice or shared experiences.

I’ve been separated from my ex for over 10 years. We share two daughters, aged 14 and 15, both entering GCSE years this September (Years 10 and 11). Throughout that time, I’ve been the main caregiver — managing their day-to-day routines, school, and emotional wellbeing. He’s had regular contact, mostly weekends and holidays, but I’ve handled the bulk of parenting alone.

When we were married, he treated me badly — lots of emotional control, undermining, and manipulation. At the time I couldn’t name it, but I’ve since worked with a counsellor who identified it as coercive control. That behaviour has continued since we separated.

There’s a consistent pattern where:

• He tells me what he’s doing and expects me to go along with it — plans, handovers, holidays — always on his terms
• He uses our daughters (especially my youngest) to pass messages or create pressure. Excluding me from as much as he can.
• He ignores agreements, changes plans last minute, and makes me feel like I have no say
• A serious incident where a nail was found under my car tyre, caught on CCTV (still deciding how to handle that legally)

Now, he says he’s buying a house near the girls’ school and wants week-on/week-off shared care. He’s made it clear he’s going to file a C100 regardless of what I say — and he’s directly linked the push to his rising CSA payments, which doesn’t sit right at all.

It feels like I’m being backed into something I never agreed to. I’ve been made to go along with his decisions so many times over the years to avoid arguments, but this time I know it would massively disrupt the girls’ lives — especially now, with their GCSEs ahead. They need calm and consistency, not conflict and upheaval.

While he does things with the girls when they’re with him, he’s never makes sure they do homework, he lets them stay on their phones into the early hours, and he doesn’t set any boundaries or structure — which they desperately need, especially now.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of court application?
Would a judge really approve 50/50 at this stage, despite 10 years of history, the exam pressure, and his behaviour?
I feel so anxious and worn down by it all — I just want to do what’s right for my daughters.

Thank you in advance for any advice or perspective.
.

At this point I'd probably be being a bit more honest with your girls. He's incredibly unlikely to be treating them well at all.

wow! I’ve had exactly the same experience! My DCs are early 20s and when they have any free time, he tries to fill up their diaries so they have little to no time to see me. I live near exDP but I have no space for the DCs to stay with me so they stay with him. Last time DC1 stayed with him, they were in this town for 5 days but only with me for 1 day due to all the plans that exDP had made. DC1 was not happy with this and is going to prevent this from happening again. DC2 has very little free time and there have been months when I have not been able to see them because on all their free days, exDP has already planned to take them out to dinner.

When the DCs were little children, exDP would not even take them to the swings unless I came. If I ever left them with him for the day, he would spent the whole day watching TV with them and take them to a restaurant for lunch. If I got home an hour or so after their bedtime, when I got in, he would innocently say “oh is that the time?!” And then the two DCs would beg me to take them to bed - which obviously he didn’t argue with.

Absolutely infuriating!

Echoing the others saying you really need to Check their phones. It definitely sounds like he'll be sending them messages which are emotional blackmail at least, potentially abusive so you might need to use them as evidence

I have a 15 year old, I was very recently told, in passing, by a solicitor at age 15 they'd just do whatever my son wanted. No court is going to enforce contact on them at their ages.

And at age 16, even if you already had a court order in place, the contact aspect would end when they turned 16. Residency orders end at 18, but contact orders end at 16. He's too late to the game on this one, your children are too old to have enforced contact.

I don't think you have anything to worry about in a court, realistically a solicitor would tell him it wasn't worth his time. In all likelihood, by the time it got to court your older child would already have aged out of having contact, your younger one not far off.

Call his bluff, he's just trying to frighten you and push you into it. In a court, no-one would make you do this. The thing you're going to have a hard time with is standing firm with him in the real world.

Hope this helps:

10 A section 8 order [this includes a child arrangements order] shall, if it would otherwise still be in force, cease to have effect when the child reaches the age of sixteen, unless it is to have effect beyond that age by virtue of section 9(6).
10A Subsection 10 does not apply to provision in a child arrangements order which regulates arrangements relating to –
(a) with whom a child is to live, or
(b) when a child is to live with any person.
11 Where a section 8 order has effect with respect to a child who has reached the age of sixteen, it shall, if it would otherwise still be in force, cease to have effect when he reaches the age of eighteen.

My ex would threaten suicide covertly to keep the kids going "I cant live with out you around" or "I dont know what I woukd do if I couldn't see you anymore....well I do i wouldn't be around anymore that's for sure" so not actually saying he would kill himself but definitely implying it

They were six and two when he first started that the eldest was 10 when he began setting small boundaries

Hi @Smokeyeyed

I just wanted to say I’m so very sorry for what you’ve been through. What an awful person your ex is.
My one bit of advise would be that you can still check their phones at this age. I stopped when my DD was 16. It was just random checks ever so often…
Good luck OP - I feel for you xx

And he sent you a message that he intends to apply for 50/50 if you continue to persevere with the CMS claim? Idiot.

A judge would hopefully see straight through him op.

What do your dc want?

I'd reply... I don't think changing the children living arrangements is in their best interests at this pivotal timecin their education. Obviously, if you was to take it to court that's your right.

I'd let him do the C100 form. Everything takes so long by the time it gets anywhere Hopefully they will be finishing their GCSEs.

Ask your girls what they would prefer.

Ultimately, the court will go with their choice, unless you can demonstrate that they’d be at risk.

What are you doing with your kids to make them see that his behaviour isn't normal and that they shouldn't model future relationships on how he treats and talks to them? That is the main thing to focus on. Go to the police about the nail, show the children the footage of the nail. Tell your children he is only doing it to save money. Tell them what he is like. Then let him apply for all this. One of them will probably be 16 by the time it gets resolved anyway.

I think pp are right to warn you that your dc are likely to continue the cycle with their own relationships, unless you intervene. They are learning and absorbing all of this toxicity. The truth and educating them on manipulative and damaging relationships. Critical thinking and dissecting his messages and how to see beyond the threats and dysfunction will protect them in the future.

@Smokeyeyed I hope you can find someone, to support you through this.
You sound like you deserve much better.
Perhaps there are some organisations which support women in this position, it ay just be about finding the right phrases to use that alert courts what a tit he is.

I would document everything with a clear statement at the front saying he is doing this because he doesn’t want to pay, here is his message saying so. He has a long history of not paying and being abusive- 3 dot points re you, and then 3 dot points re your daughters. I am afraid he will coerce them into saying they want to live with him half the time, when he’s never done any practical care such as homework, school runs, clubs, uniforms, he wouldn’t buy things they need, he would never go to that effort for them, and his neglect of their development would destroy their gcse outcomes. I am happy for them to see their dad but I want to protect them and their future from his abuse and neglect.

then list lots and lots of egs, call the police and ask their advice re the nail, call women’s aid and ask their advice, and book an appt with a lawyer. You can do this, and once you have a court result your girls are safe.

Does he have a new wife or girlfriend? That is usually when I see men being interested in the day to day care of children.

So now he is being forced to pay the correct amount, he would prefer 50/50 so he no longer has to pay. I should think any judge would spot this elephant in the room. You have done all the hard work for 10 years, let him take you to court, he can pay for that too !
I would definitely report him for the car tyre incident, The judge will then see what a vindictive father figure he is.
Your Dds can actually choose if they want this to happen at their ages.

"My ex didn’t pay the correct CMS for a long time. Every single month I had to chase him to pay the shortfall. He refused to change his standing order — I honestly think he enjoyed the fact that I had to ask him for money every time.
Eventually, I told him I’d be switching to Collect and Pay and explained that it would only waste both our money with added fees. But even then, he still refused to change anything. In the end, CMS caught up with him and had to issue a deduction from earnings. By then, he’d racked up a fair amount of fees.
That’s when he put the nail under my car tyre.
Shortly after, he sent me a message saying that if I didn’t stop Collect and Pay, he’d go for 50/50 care. So this push for shared care? It only came after he started having to pay the full amount — after nearly 10 years of me doing almost everything."

If you have the documentation to prove this I cannot see that a Court would award him 50/50 custody: it seems he is only asking for it because he did not like Collect and Pay arrangements, and it is hardly in the best interests of the girls.
Hopefully the Court will see how weak his position is, and it would be good if you could see it too. I'd say just make sure you can give factual information and try not to get too emotionally involved.
I daresay the Court will have seen this sort of behaviour before - he's not the only man like this.

At their age, he’s wasting his time and money going to court. Just smile and nod and let him get on with it.

I'm a social worker, stability during GCSE years is something the family court will be very concerned with. Unless your DDs want to go along with the week on week off and there is good reason for the change ie something that would make that arrangement be the best for the children, I can't see them agreeing to it.

go with the girls to counselling and discuss the situation with a neutral third party.
the reality is the girls need to spot manipulative behavior in preparation for future relationships.

You need to ask the girls if they want 50/50 there’s no point trying to avoid asking, Cafcass will ask them anyway if he takes you to court so you’ll find out further down the line anyway. If they want the status quo then IME the judge will say that it stays as it is. If they want 50/50 then they’ll likely award it unless there a reason not to.

I would - file a police report about the nail, that’s separate and needs dealing with anyway but won’t look good for him in court (probably irrelevant if the girls want 50/50) but you need to stop putting up with the abuse.

If they do want 50/50 it’s not the end of the world, the child support is likely crap anyway and you’ll save money by not having them 90% of the time end be able to work more and maybe build a career if you don’t have one. I had 50/50 with my ex and didn’t want it and thought it was the end of the world to begin with. It wasn’t, it was bliss on the week they were with him. Reframe it in your head, they’ll still love you, you’ll still love them, it’s not a loss. Neither have contact with him now by the way, as soon as I let him and accepted it for what it was they realised exactly what he is and I suspect your girls will too. Teenage girls are hard work! Let him do it and see how they get along! Sit back and watch karma unfold.

Freedom Programme – Tokko https://share.google/Tskw3bRyKmCBWf5Pa

Hi OP, I'm not sure if this organisation is in-person or virtual but maybe your teenagers would benefit to avoid repeating unhelpful patterns in relationships.

Hope you kept the message regarding pushing for 50.50 care if he can't get you to rescind money order. It's evidence the court would want to see.
You have not said the girls preference so it's hard to see it would work unless they support it
I'd also see if it's possible to cease contact with him at all if you suspect he's started being coercive with them. Do they like going to his?

I have one like this OP. Avoided paying properly for years and years, did very little and now she’s almost 16 is angry he has to pay and desperately trying to get her there more. The covert suicide threats and manipulation are endless and while she sees right through him, her older sisters (not mine) fall for it every time. He fucked off to Thailand for 3 months a couple of years ago ‘for his mental health’ telling both them and my DD that it was their mothers fault, that his life hadnt been worth living for years, that we scum bitches had ruined him. The older two flap about trying to placate him all the time. Mine doesn’t, but she still goes once a fortnight because she has been SO conditioned.

My point here is that if you don’t know what he is telling them, you’re on difficult ground. If he is playing the same songs, they may well say they want 50/50. Would be a terrible idea though. I would absolutely be checking their messages. Any idiot who says his behaviour has no bearing on his parenting really needs to step away from advising. Men like this treat their children in much the same way as their exes. They cannot help it and it’s about time institutions cottoned on.

MN is very hot on not telling the children anything. I disagree. There are kind and age appropriate ways to be honest and loving with your children which mean that they are less likely to be emotionally manipulated. I realised when my DD was a certain age that his constant poison, uninterested parenting and vengeance obsession were affecting her self esteem and other things. She understands now it’s about hurting me, not her, knows I am well able enough not to need her protection and to ignore it all. It has absolutely helped.

Perhaps breaking the news to him that he’ll still have to pay CSM payments whether he has them 50-50 or not might change his mind
My experience is that the judges see through this shit very very quickly
Try not to worry so much I tied myself up in nuts and spent thousands on Legal representation fighting this and actually he dropped himself in it in court

you can still check their phone theyre children anything could be on there