Ex suddenly demanding 50/50 care after 10 years — WWYD?

[Smokeyeyed]

Hi all, I’d really appreciate some advice or shared experiences.

I’ve been separated from my ex for over 10 years. We share two daughters, aged 14 and 15, both entering GCSE years this September (Years 10 and 11). Throughout that time, I’ve been the main caregiver — managing their day-to-day routines, school, and emotional wellbeing. He’s had regular contact, mostly weekends and holidays, but I’ve handled the bulk of parenting alone.

When we were married, he treated me badly — lots of emotional control, undermining, and manipulation. At the time I couldn’t name it, but I’ve since worked with a counsellor who identified it as coercive control. That behaviour has continued since we separated.

There’s a consistent pattern where:

• He tells me what he’s doing and expects me to go along with it — plans, handovers, holidays — always on his terms
• He uses our daughters (especially my youngest) to pass messages or create pressure. Excluding me from as much as he can.
• He ignores agreements, changes plans last minute, and makes me feel like I have no say
• A serious incident where a nail was found under my car tyre, caught on CCTV (still deciding how to handle that legally)

Now, he says he’s buying a house near the girls’ school and wants week-on/week-off shared care. He’s made it clear he’s going to file a C100 regardless of what I say — and he’s directly linked the push to his rising CSA payments, which doesn’t sit right at all.

It feels like I’m being backed into something I never agreed to. I’ve been made to go along with his decisions so many times over the years to avoid arguments, but this time I know it would massively disrupt the girls’ lives — especially now, with their GCSEs ahead. They need calm and consistency, not conflict and upheaval.

While he does things with the girls when they’re with him, he’s never makes sure they do homework, he lets them stay on their phones into the early hours, and he doesn’t set any boundaries or structure — which they desperately need, especially now.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of court application?
Would a judge really approve 50/50 at this stage, despite 10 years of history, the exam pressure, and his behaviour?
I feel so anxious and worn down by it all — I just want to do what’s right for my daughters.

Thank you in advance for any advice or perspective.
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Had very similar. I put in a counter application, citing all the abuse I put up with while we're married and staying my reasons for being concerned. There was a lot more to it as he was a raging alcoholic and unsafe to be in charge of our DC.
He didn't get what he wanted but it was a fair agreement and actually worked well.
I strongly advise you to get some legal advice from a women's charity- many offer a 30 minute free consultation.
I also advise you to pursue some legal advice re the intriguing situation with the nail and car tyre. This will also strengthen your application.
Aldo at this age your daughters' wishes will be taken into consideration.
Good luck. X

What I found was a mixture of pushing back hard and ignoring works best.
So if he has some crazy demand/directive or accusation I push back hard with. “What are you on about you absolute loon.” or “Both of us know that is not in the girls best interests, and to pull this stunt in an exam year is absolutely reprehensible.”

He has conditioned you that he will be getting his demands met, and you now instinctively jump through the hoop. Imagine (but do not actually send) sending a text “Shut the fuck up, you absolute cunt. I have had it to hear with you and your crazy. Go fuck yourself.” Or maybe “LOL, yeah a court is going to make a nearly sixteen year old change pattern, you stupid dickhead.”

Your best defence is to report the nail incident to the police and pursue it legally.
At their ages what they want will be given a lot of weight. If they say they want 50/50 likely given their ages) it will be granted
But If you have a police record established of his dangerous sabotage and behaviour then that’s evidence of coercive control/abuse etc possibly effecting your children too then this will be taken into account.

So there hasn't been an order previously, you've shared care in arrangements that have been at least tolerable for ten years since the girls were four and five, and now that your older daughter is FIFTEEN he is asking the court to make an order about where the girls should live and with whom they should have contact?

I think you just have to defend the application. Be honest with the Cafcass officer about concerns about DV and about the timing of the application, as well as the lack of boundaries at his house - fine for a weekend but not for 50/50 when they're both about to do GCSEs. You may also be surprised by your daughters' insight when they speak to the Cafcass officer (if it gets that far).

Do either of the girls have significant additional needs or anything? If not then be cheered by s.9(7) of the Children Act 1989: "No court shall make any section 8 order, other than one varying or discharging such an order, with respect to a child who has reached the age of sixteen unless it is satisfied that the circumstances of the case are exceptional." Given how long Cafcass reports are taking at the moment - almost six months near me - it may well be that your older daughter is beyond the court anyway by the time it gets there. And if he wants to buy his house first, then file an application, then wait for the first hearing and the direction for the Cafcass report, your second daughter might be very nearly there too!

There's also the "no order principle" - a court will only make an order if satisfied that it is better to do so than to have no order. You can argue that the arrangements have worked perfectly well so far and that the children are too old to be compelled to go to one parent's house or the other's on set days with the threat of enforcement by the court against the non compliant parent. As they get older there has to be a much greater degree of flexibility than a court order can allow, and they will vote with their feet.

But I would save all the sensible arguments and explanations for the Cafcass officer and court rather than wasting them on him!

At your girls ages, it’s up to them. If they wanted to live with one parent 100% of the time and never see the other then it would be allowed as they are older than the age that kids are legally allowed to choose.

Well they’re 14 and 15 so it’ll be up to them

What do they want? It really isn't going to matter what you or Dad want at this stage they are 14 and 15. They are only going to be subject to a CAO 1-2 years and can choose where they live. I think if they're wanting to be at Dad's more you should support them. Think both of you need to sit down, put your issues to one side and ask them what they want without any pressure or guilt trips from either of you.

Report the nail incident to the police.

Let him apply to court re contact unless your girls are adamant they want 50:50.

OP has disappeared.

I'd reply... I don't think changing the children living arrangements is in their best interests at this pivotal timecin their education. Obviously, if you was to take it to court that's your right.

I'd let him do the C100 form. Everything takes so long by the time it gets anywhere Hopefully they will be finishing their GCSEs

Well... he has a problem and that is the children need to agree 👍 he can't just tell them anymore. And I suspect they can see through him more than he or you realises xx you know they actually study abusive and types of abuse in school now. Especially aiming these courses at teenagers xx

I would make it clear that if he does get increased time, he is truly responsible for their expenses in his home. They won’t be toting suitcases back and forth. He needs to fill the wardrobes and stock the toiletries for two teenagers. He has to pay school expenses during his time.

why they always think it is going to be cheaper than cms really perplexes me.

You don’t support a bloody known abuser that is trying to cause harm, injury and possibly death by sabotaging car tyres. This is lunacy.

The right course of action is to report him to the police and social services, so the children are safe guarded. You do not allow a dangerous man free access to your young daughters under any circumstances, and particularly one with such a long history of domestic violence. The psychological harm alone would be enough.

The relationship with a grown woman and all its pathology relates directly into how he will likely treat adolescent girls 🤦‍♀️

I hope the courts cop on to this nonsense. I'm all for dads having 50:50 from the beginning if they genuinely want it and there's no good reason why they shouldn't have it, providing the child isn't demonstrably better cared for by being with the mother for the majority of the time.

A parent who never wanted 50:50 when the children were small and needed constant supervision probably found that the child maintenance seemed like good value for money compared to having to pay childcare for 50% of their time while still trying to go to work, manage school pick ups etc.

But suddenly once the bulk of the donkey work is over, the children are old enough to need very little constant supervision and are old enough to get themselves to and from school without requiring childcare afterwards, old enough to get themselves into town on the bus to see friends, old enough to leave in the house for the evening while you go to the gym or out for a beer or whatever, and now you want 50:50?

Oh do fuck off.

I hope the girls see this for what it is and say no.

They are teenagers.
They can say no.

Any opportunity to be controlling.
but yes, it is rather amusing really isn’t it because whatever he pays in CMS unless it is an enormous amount of money won’t touch the sides of how expensive it is raising children particularly as they hit the teenage years.

At that age mine came and went between us they pleased. I had no part in arranging their contact with their dad.
Is he trying to get out of paying maintenance, as that seems the only reason to be doing something like that with a 14 and 15 year old?

What are you waiting for? You have everything you need in your hands.

Get the CCTV and have him charged. Start getting a file together on everything he does/ doesn’t do and the abuse you’ve received.

Then let him file and let him finally face the consequences of his actions.

not the same situation but my sister was advised that at that age the court will ask the child what they want and its not even worth it to go ahead with wasting money -this was also becaus he resented paying child support

so let him waste money but do report him to the police for the nail he tried to harm you and the children

I understand you would like to change arrangements for our girls to 50/50.

I don't agree, or feel this is in their best interests with their impending GCSEs - they require continuity and stability.

As the schedule is working and has for ten years, I see no reason to alter it now.
I will be keeping the child arrangements as they are currently.

What do the kids want?

Thank you all so very much for your responses — they’ve meant more than I can say.

Just to add a bit more background…

My ex didn’t pay the correct CMS for a long time. Every single month I had to chase him to pay the shortfall. He refused to change his standing order — I honestly think he enjoyed the fact that I had to ask him for money every time.

Eventually, I told him I’d be switching to Collect and Pay and explained that it would only waste both our money with added fees. But even then, he still refused to change anything. In the end, CMS caught up with him and had to issue a deduction from earnings. By then, he’d racked up a fair amount of fees.

That’s when he put the nail under my car tyre.

Shortly after, he sent me a message saying that if I didn’t stop Collect and Pay, he’d go for 50/50 care. So this push for shared care? It only came after he started having to pay the full amount — after nearly 10 years of me doing almost everything.

I’ve spoken to the girls, and I think they’re really confused. Their dad tells them he’s lonely and that he “lives for them.” If they don’t reply to his messages, he sends more and more — and in the past, he’s even threatened to cut off contact if they didn’t answer.

Now they’re older, I can’t see their messages anymore, and I honestly don’t know what he’s saying to them.

I just don’t want them to be affected by all of this. But also… I don’t feel strong enough anymore. I’ve held everything together for so long, and I’m exhausted. I feel like I’m constantly defending our stability — and I’m so scared it’s going to be taken out of my hands.

I was going to say the same this! Abusive men are not caring fathers.

The court will go on what the girls decide. It seems unlikely they will want to ho there 50% of the time. My son was allowed to decide at 10. Don't just give them to him. He will play games with their heads too.
Make sure they make the decision they want with no guilt.