Ex suddenly demanding 50/50 care after 10 years — WWYD?

[Smokeyeyed]

Hi all, I’d really appreciate some advice or shared experiences.

I’ve been separated from my ex for over 10 years. We share two daughters, aged 14 and 15, both entering GCSE years this September (Years 10 and 11). Throughout that time, I’ve been the main caregiver — managing their day-to-day routines, school, and emotional wellbeing. He’s had regular contact, mostly weekends and holidays, but I’ve handled the bulk of parenting alone.

When we were married, he treated me badly — lots of emotional control, undermining, and manipulation. At the time I couldn’t name it, but I’ve since worked with a counsellor who identified it as coercive control. That behaviour has continued since we separated.

There’s a consistent pattern where:

• He tells me what he’s doing and expects me to go along with it — plans, handovers, holidays — always on his terms
• He uses our daughters (especially my youngest) to pass messages or create pressure. Excluding me from as much as he can.
• He ignores agreements, changes plans last minute, and makes me feel like I have no say
• A serious incident where a nail was found under my car tyre, caught on CCTV (still deciding how to handle that legally)

Now, he says he’s buying a house near the girls’ school and wants week-on/week-off shared care. He’s made it clear he’s going to file a C100 regardless of what I say — and he’s directly linked the push to his rising CSA payments, which doesn’t sit right at all.

It feels like I’m being backed into something I never agreed to. I’ve been made to go along with his decisions so many times over the years to avoid arguments, but this time I know it would massively disrupt the girls’ lives — especially now, with their GCSEs ahead. They need calm and consistency, not conflict and upheaval.

While he does things with the girls when they’re with him, he’s never makes sure they do homework, he lets them stay on their phones into the early hours, and he doesn’t set any boundaries or structure — which they desperately need, especially now.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of court application?
Would a judge really approve 50/50 at this stage, despite 10 years of history, the exam pressure, and his behaviour?
I feel so anxious and worn down by it all — I just want to do what’s right for my daughters.

Thank you in advance for any advice or perspective.
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What to the DC want? At their age, it will be up to them.

They are teens about to do their GCSE and now he wants 50/50. Surely at this stage no way would he get that. What do your teens want to do?

If he gets officially granted 50/50, regardless of what the reality turns out to be i.e. the girls don’t spend much time with him at all, this means the op is left very short of money whilst still delivering same level of care?

As above, I would have thought that most weight will be given to what your dds want. I don’t know enough about the process, but can you formally oppose his application? If so, you could put all your points about lack of boundaries, needing stability because of important exams etc. in that. Surely a court can’t impose 50/50 on dc of your daughters’ ages against their will? Do you think he is coercing them into agreeing to it?

At the children's age their views and wishes are going to be really important.

• A serious incident where a nail was found under my car tyre, caught on CCTV (still deciding how to handle that legally)

Why wouldn't you?

This exactly

I’ve heard this is a common tactic, from dads that have a history of coercive control. When the children get older, so don’t need parenting as such, and they are able to fend for themselves, the dad suddenly wants 50/50 or manipulating the children, with the fun household to live with them full time. Mostly as a one up manship for the mother.
Unfortunately, as teenagers are, seeing a house with lack of boundaries etc usually seems the better option to them.

At their ages it will be their decision once they’ve spoken to professionals

That sounds very likely. I think exDP who also coercively controlled me would have done that if I had left him any earlier.

Family court advisor here. He will file the C100 and then Cafcass will be asked to complete a safeguarding letter. I would review the domestic abuse policy and when you do your safeguarding interview talk to the Cafcass officer about what you have shred re domestic abuse. It is likely that they will recommend a S7 be completed and then your daughters will have their wishes and feelings gained. Courts making a change of arrangements for 14/15 year olds are unlikely but could happen dependent on the recommendations of the S7

What do the girls want?

Is it to avoid paying money?

What do your girls think - if it went to court I'm pretty sure they would be asked and it would be up to them.

The fact that you have failed to give him a taste of his own medicine is egging him on to increase the abuse. You need to fight fire with fire. Keep accurate logs of each time he doesn’t stick to schedules, see if you can get him arrested for something else illegal he is doing. Have you got a court influenced agreement? Is he paying the correct CM? Is he in line to get a pay rise at his job? You need to think outside the box and be honest with your kids. If more women explain to their children how awful the dads are maybe the next generation of women won’t be caught by such vermin.

Call the police re your tyre and ask for him to be charged, site the long list of DV incidences before and now he is putting you and your children’s lives at risk.

No court in the land is going to award full custody with incriminating evidence of deliberate sabotage that could imperil not just your lives, but other drivers and passengers too. Your best defence here is his own behaviour - be very honest with your children about his character and the past. Do not hold back - they are old enough now to know the truth, so they can make informed decisions.

I would stop supporting contact the minute I saw the cctv, he genuinely wants to cause you great harm. He is not safe, and I would no longer allow contact.

You are still afraid/intimated by him - anyone else would have rightly called the police immediately, he is relying on your weak response/fear to enable him to increase the abuse at will. Put a stop to it before he seriously harms you or your dds. For goodness sake op, you need to start taking this very seriously, I say that as kindly as possible. You can break free.

It is very likely he will be attempting to coercively control your children now - otherwise known as ‘foot soldiers’ to do his work/continue the abuse. You need to get in front of this right now.

Please watch this - it will make immediate sense to you:

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qyszZ2gJ9sA

This! @Nestingbirds is right. Playing with your tyres is attempted murder in my book. More people would be on your side if the world knew.
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Adding my voice to the mass of us who are saying THIS!!! Now is not the time to be afraid of him - your daughters’ wellbeing depends on you calling him out.

It will be up to your children at this age I guess. Ultimately if they want to see their dad at their ages they can arrange it directly I would presume anyway. I do agree with others though that you do need to start taking action over his actions for yourself.

SS13 ‘decided’ recently that he didn’t want to come on a Friday night anymore on our (hard fought for) EOWE schedule, my husband was devastated, but what can you do?

He’s 13 and, whilst we don’t think that’s the best decision for him and do anticipate that there is some control involved in this decision given his dad now sees him more for football and football practice (which could affect maintenance, although DH has always overpaid and been on time with payments and wouldn’t have adjusted them down anyway).

I just don’t see how you can ever fight the manipulation? It’s so bloody hard (more so being the father) so I totally feel for you. Things seem to be finally easing a bit for us, I suspect because she knows he’s getting older so understands more. I am torn between SS seeing things for what they really are as he gets older and worrying how it would affect him psychologically if he did…

My advice is to talk to your girls about what they would see as their ideal set up for seeing their parents and go from there.

Appalling behaviour from him. Do your dds know he did this? What if they’d been in the car and he’d caused a serious accident? Please contact the police with the evidence.

I would also add do not ask your dc what to make of their father sabotaging your tyres, or what contact they would like to have with this dangerous man. It is grossly unfair to them, and at odds with protecting them from harm as all parents should be doing.

I would state the facts calmly and concisely, inform them the police will be taking action and you can no longer support contact due to HIS behaviour and putting all of your lives at risk. To now you have been willing to try and make it work, but he has gone too far and it is no longer safe.

Please get in touch with your local refuge and domestic violence team for extra support. Add more cameras, and ask the police to install their panic alarm that alerts a car as a priority. This is the time to go all out if ever there was one. You have no idea what he intends to do next, and you certainly can’t trust him with your beloved children.

You are so used to this, worn down by years of action like this or worse, you can not even see how serious this is. This is not your fault op. We are here for you.

this. I also work in the family court. We tend to advise against making orders for kids 14+ as it’s often impossible for parents to ‘force’ their kids into a changed pattern at that age so you’re setting families up to fail.

He can ask but he'd hopefully have no chance. It would be incredibly disruptive to the children.

I assume he's doing it to avoid paying maintenance?

I was in a similar situation. My exh left after I discovered an affair. He had the dc every other weekend and half of holidays but never asked for any more time and the bulk of parenting was down to me. After 6 years he met someone his own age with her own dc and suddenly turned into super dad and asked for more contact. By then eldest dc was a month from turning 16 when c100 expires anyway and the other 2 were younger teens. They did not want extra contact and when I informed him they would be given a say at their ages he dropped it. So I guess it's what your dc think about this as at their ages it's pretty much up to them.