Ex suddenly demanding 50/50 care after 10 years — WWYD?

[Smokeyeyed]

Hi all, I’d really appreciate some advice or shared experiences.

I’ve been separated from my ex for over 10 years. We share two daughters, aged 14 and 15, both entering GCSE years this September (Years 10 and 11). Throughout that time, I’ve been the main caregiver — managing their day-to-day routines, school, and emotional wellbeing. He’s had regular contact, mostly weekends and holidays, but I’ve handled the bulk of parenting alone.

When we were married, he treated me badly — lots of emotional control, undermining, and manipulation. At the time I couldn’t name it, but I’ve since worked with a counsellor who identified it as coercive control. That behaviour has continued since we separated.

There’s a consistent pattern where:

• He tells me what he’s doing and expects me to go along with it — plans, handovers, holidays — always on his terms
• He uses our daughters (especially my youngest) to pass messages or create pressure. Excluding me from as much as he can.
• He ignores agreements, changes plans last minute, and makes me feel like I have no say
• A serious incident where a nail was found under my car tyre, caught on CCTV (still deciding how to handle that legally)

Now, he says he’s buying a house near the girls’ school and wants week-on/week-off shared care. He’s made it clear he’s going to file a C100 regardless of what I say — and he’s directly linked the push to his rising CSA payments, which doesn’t sit right at all.

It feels like I’m being backed into something I never agreed to. I’ve been made to go along with his decisions so many times over the years to avoid arguments, but this time I know it would massively disrupt the girls’ lives — especially now, with their GCSEs ahead. They need calm and consistency, not conflict and upheaval.

While he does things with the girls when they’re with him, he’s never makes sure they do homework, he lets them stay on their phones into the early hours, and he doesn’t set any boundaries or structure — which they desperately need, especially now.

Has anyone else dealt with this kind of court application?
Would a judge really approve 50/50 at this stage, despite 10 years of history, the exam pressure, and his behaviour?
I feel so anxious and worn down by it all — I just want to do what’s right for my daughters.

Thank you in advance for any advice or perspective.
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I would say document everything. I would imagine things like threatening to cut contact and the nail under your tyre would not go down well with a judge.

hes abusive please go to the police with everything hes sent you and the proof about the nail

i cant see him going to court to spend thousnds when he wont een pay cms without argument

Think both of you need to sit down, put your issues to one side

have you ever tried juggling with an eel?

The nail under your tyre made me think of the mushroom killer in Australia. That case was related to child support too although in a different way - her ex had got a job where he paid very little instead of a job that he was capable of and she is alleged to have poisoned him 3 times plus found guilty of killing his family who supported him.

I would absolutely go to the police. He should not be allowed to come anywhere near you or your home. You may be able to get a restraining order.

please fight back. Your kids will get a say and your ex will be right there manipulating them into doing what he wants. You have the power to stop it and prevent him damaging their futures

You could teach them about coercive relationships by dissecting the messages he sends them. They're only 14 & 15 and haven't got the tools to deal with it. You could go to the police with threatening messages they receive.

Similar situation here, albeit with younger child and we have a court order. He says he is amassing “evidence” about my terrible parenting (things like sending child to breakfast club one day a week so I can get to work on time) and will go back to court once the current bar on him doing so (in 2 years time, order imposed by judge) is up. Also pays maintenance very reluctantly and sends me frequent messages about my “greed” and my “selfish” behaviour in taking the money. Money does not cover half of what I spend, obviously. He says he will stop hassling me if I stop claiming maintenance and I am seriously considering it (although I am not sure I believe him) as the mental toil is so great. I am aware that this is what he wants, of course, but I am worn out and want to get on with my life. I have no advice, but solidarity and sympathy in spades.

Now they’re older, I can’t see their messages anymore, and I honestly don’t know what he’s saying to them.

Having been an Head of Year 9, please still check your children’s phone and messages at this age. You can’t even imagine some of the stuff we (together with the police) have had to deal with.

IF he took it to court, the girls would be asked for their opinion.
What i did was tell mine that they could spend as much or as little time with me OR their father as they liked, I would support them 100%. You can't control what he tells them, but you can .make you a safe space.

Get yourself a solicitor and fight this on grounds it's not in the interests of the girls to have their routines upset.

File a separate motion to end the use of the younger one as a messenger. He needs to be told by the court thst this is not ok. This motion should also cover all the other issues - petition the court for an order requiring him to follow specific steps instead of dictating to you.

The girls are old enough to have a say in where they live.

Fight him!!

Get a ring doorbell to record any encroachment onto your property or interference with your car by him.

I know you are drained beyond belief, and seventeen years plus of battling this awful abuser is too long, and it’s too much. You need to summon the strength to put in a call to your local police station and ask them for help. Tell them you are terrified he will hurt you and your children. That’s all you have to do. The rest will happen naturally. Please safe guard your children.

He is banking on you running out of steam, giving up. Please don’t. Get more support. Arm yourself. This might well be the last battle required, but it is one you need to win this time. For the sake of your girls.

And get your girls into therapy, via school if necessary.

Ask for access to their phones and if they won't let you, please get them to agree to let a therapist see messages from their father.

Don't try to explicitly teach them anything about coercive control - he will accuse you of alienation, which the family courts take far more seriously than coercive control or grooming.

If you see evidence on their phones of him trying to alienate them from you, take that to the family court.

He wants. 50/50 so he doesn’t have to pay you money and that is his way of doing it. The reality is he will not have them that much and will always have an excuse so you will likely have them the same amount of time as you do now but get no financial help from him. It’s another method of manipulation and control. Get yourself a good solicitor.

Totally agree. At the age they are now a family court would want to know their opinion on the matter & will very much take that into account as well as the contact that they've been having. They will also bear in mind that they're coming up to important exams so time & a quiet place to study will be considered.

In reality, they're getting to an age when they have their own lives, will want to spend time with their friends & soon they will have boyfriends all of which will take priority over contact with either of you. Which is how it should be as they prepare to leave the nest.

Yes my manipulative husband (we still live together) has got super-chummy with the kids now they're adults. Never did anything when they were little: swimming, teaching them to ride their bikes, cooking, taking them to football - all me. Now he's super fun, concerts, golf and holidays dad.

I'm sure some of it is to spite me. I can't compete. I don't have a crowd of male buddies and can't afford to take them all on holiday.

At this point it’s a non issue and the kids have a say.

You can tell he posters that have no experience of coercive control, and are offering advice based on a normal family dynamics,

I guess the other option is to make it very very clear that he’ll have to spend more than the cost of maintenance and see if that solves it.

An email listing all outgoings and suggesting a joint account which you both put x (ideally twice the cost of maintenance) into each month to buy all things jointly might change his mind…

He sounds horrible OP, poor you and how crap for your girls. I think the focus around care needs to be on them, it's their choice and also it sounds like he's manipulative and coercive with them, can you find them (if they don't have it already) someone to talk to. A school counsellor, quite often charities have mentoring programmes, a private counsellor or someone they see as "neutral" they can actually sort out all their thoughts with, and who will be switched on enough to tell them they aren't responsible for their dad/can't make a decision based on his emotional manipulation. I suspect they feel it's hard talking to you about this given all the history. It will come down to them at their age and it sounds like they could really do with some additional support on this.
I'd separate out his other behaviour towards you, and ignore what you can, whilst referring anything illegal (tyre, any threatening messages or harassment) to the police. As the girls grow up they'll understand more and more, they'll appreciate your steady presence and unconditional love, don't panic if they get swept into seeing more of him, and don't criticise them for it. They'll come back as they grow up and he reveals his true colours.

You need to be checking their phones. You know he's abusive and you don't even check?

Wow.

This. They are certainly young enough for you to insist you check their phones. He knows you don't see the messages btw. Get that tyre reported and good luck. I expect your daughters will ensure this doesn't get through, as long as there's no secret coercive control. Get all over his comms with them.

My then 12yrDD had a huge amount of say in her arrangements. At 14 and 15 they’ll basically get to choose you should ask them what they want because ultimately if they want to spend one week on one week off, they’ll probably get that.

I think the problem with the posters who are saying go to court and fight is that this is exhausting financially and emotionally (I know, I have done it when DC was younger in a context of coercive control). I personally would not be doing it when DC are 14 and above, there is no point. You will end up with a court order tying you and them down in some way. It’s all very well saying he won’t stick to it, but if you don’t make DC available, you will be in contempt of court. So I would not do that.

As others have said, the main focus is what DC want, not what either you or their father think.

The question is how he will exactly enforce 50/50 with teenagers who can get up and walk out of the house. Emotional manipulation will only go so far as teenagers do have their own lives at the end of the day. The main thing you can do is simply support the DC to make their own decisions and ensure they have adequate support, for example, if there is a school counsellor.

But don’t bankrupt yourself fighting this through the courts.