need serious advice asap in tough situation

[tirddmum]

please someone help advise my family all live Cornwall I am telford with 15yr old 12yr old and 8 yr old I have no support here issues wiv kids friends hardly bother wiv me stuck on low work as childcare issue their dad we r split hes abusive but I only have him to help he only helps with.some stuff wen he wants but not properly I'm stuck single because of him so depressed and the fact I'm overwhelmed wiv it all tryin to make big decision do I move cornwall wen oldest done her exams where I got parents retired who would help schools can be sorted n be away from crap wiv kids dad but I'm so scared my kids wont adapt n hate me n any of them try to move back Midland's n i dont know anyone south n if my parents cant help iv moved for nothing n i cant drive there but can do the roads my area here also wud have to move in grans house there as prices so high or do I stick it out here where iv got mortgage n hope things go easier as kids go older im begging for advice please help theres pros cons each way

Oh op

you don’t drive? Cornwall will be hard
you have elderly parents? How much will they be able to help? Are you close to them?
do you work?

*if my parents cant help iv moved for nothing.*sweet Jesus op. You are considering moving hundreds of miles away on the chance that a recently retired couple will help you out.

Not being able to drive in Cornwall will be nothing short is terrible. For you and your children

thsnks ur reply I can drive their area the town but not out of the seaside town they r only 60s they help me now but only summer holidays yes I work in care wud work in care home there or just any little job in town its huge decision as I'm scared of future here and there

Is English your first language?

so you can drive?

What do your parents think of this idea?
Are you going to learn to drive imminently / after moving?
Do your parents have room for you all / would it be realistic for you to move in with them, essentially forever from what you have said?
What would your children’s prospects be like down there, eg university, jobs, housing?
Do you have siblings who might resent you moving in with your parents?
Are your parents likely to need assistance in their retirement? It could be a way of repaying them, but might leave you with a lot of work.
Are you likely to be able to find work within a reasonable commute from your parents? There’s not a lot of non-seasonable jobs down there, and many are poorly paid.
Is there another area that would work for you? Eg somewhere a close friend lives, or another family member? Cornwall is wonderful but also expensive, with a difficult job market.
If you do go down there, what will you do with the money from the equity in your current home? Could you invest it and then put it towards your children’s’ futures? (Eg university, house deposits)?
How old are your children?
So many variables. You can absolutely make changes to improves all of your lives, but need to think carefully about all of these issues.

Just saw children’s ages - I missed that - my apologies. So by the time your 15 year old has finished GCSEs, your 12 year old will be about start them, but won’t in the GCSE years? That sounds like the best time then, at the end of year 11 for your eldest. So you need to spend a few months researching, ready to get your house on the market if you move (wherever you move) ready to go in the summer holidays.

Would your ex agree to the kids moving? You need his permission to change their schools.

thanks for all replies my family offer me to move no my ex wont agree but I'm under police wiv him as its constant abuse blackmail threats but I'm stuck wiv needing him for help as no one else so I cant have restrain order hes moved onto new family but constant chaos life wiv jobs always in trouble etc but my kids love him n he bothers just not properly I'd move into my grans house nr mums gran mid 90s my parents wud have gran I'd stay their town as can drive their town just not other parts Cornwall I'd get job n schools their town n be close to parents to care wen their old which is another issue me being here as they only got my brother there no idea if me n kids will adapt there my family moved back south many yrs ago my sister stayed here too but died yrs ago so iv no one now I stayed too as was married n ok but after 3rd kid things changed then split ex went worse past few yrs off the rails so u can see dilemma of it all

If your kids love their dad and were not subject to abuse, moving them hundreds of miles away might be very unpopular with your kids. Especially if he is still trying to maintain a relationship.

Have your kids spent time with their grandparents in Cornwall? Cornwall is pretty economically deprived and not a great place to be starting life as a young person - they might have a better life in Telford. But Cornwall could be a nice place to grow up if they already love their GP.

but what kind of help do you need? Is it mainly financial relief (so saving money on rent by living with your parents).

money not problem its agreed I'd move into grans 3 bed shes 90s to move in wiv mum yes they go holidays ok but more opportunities telford kids like telford it's not just childcare its support wen kids have issues serious stuff if I'm ill or house problem n who knows wiv future dad is not abusive to them but he just does the fun wiv them no serious help tries turn kids against me hes leading them wrong path in life etc let's them do what they want irresponsible u get me I just want to know what others wud do wud u risk staying or risk goin

Your updates suggest he’s very involved, because you want him to be, so he probably won’t agree to you taking them so far away and they might not want to go. Whatever the issues, and they sound complicated, you can’t unilaterally decide you’ll stop them having a relationship with their father because you’d rather have help from your relatives.

thanks I see ur point but no I'm not doin that it's a case of my family can offer more support n proper help wiv serious issues n childcare help for me to work then I thort he can visit n have fun wiv them but that's all he does wiv them here it's all hes interested in no proper responsibility as last few yrs hes off the rails police court etc n cleared off to new family I'm on my own wiv everything else

Personally I'd be off to Cornwall.

You need to leave end of the school year stop relying on an abusive man for support what example does that set for your children

I'd move. You've housing sorted there, family, and more importantly, no ex on the doorstep!

You work in care, they're always crying out for carers in any part of the country.

The kids could stay with dad in the school hols and see any friends they'll miss in Telford during the time they're with their dad.

It sounds like timing wise doing it just after your eldest GCSEs would be best.

My only concern in your shoes is what if the kids decided they are going to stay with dad?? Would that be something he'd also go along with?!

I kno I do think that but u can see I only had him to help childcare for me to work n provide thrn I end up begging him to help at times wiv other stuff as theres not one other person here for me my family wud just kindly help

I would be talking to the elder children about it and taking their views into consideration.

my eldest be 16 school friends be gone then so thort leave then I'd hope she wud go she cant support herself n other 2 kids wud be too young to stay wiv dad wudnt be the room he cant manage them cant even manage himself they r boys under 16 hardwork I'd just take all kids if he took me court he wont win for me to bring them back as got police records wiv his hell to me

yeah thts biggest problem 3rd one is fine to go hes got SEN needs older 2 wud be forced they like it here but people move kids all time even to countries for jobs or for family help or to be by sick family n I'm thinking the move wud be for both

I think I'd go to Cornwall once oldest's GCSEs are done. You have a house sorted out down there and it gets you away from your abusive ex, against whom the only reason you don't have a restraining order is because you rely on him for help. Can you not see how mad that is?

Cornwall could be great for the kids. So many holiday job opportunities etc.

But few decent job opportunities once they leave school.

exactly 1 2 or all 3 of them they might leave like my mum n dad did in their 20s to come telford for jobs then wud I stay but then even telford they cud leave elsewhere wen they older then I'm here wiv no family parents south it's a hell situation

@Dodgejam,what’s your first language? .. “nothing short is terrible”?

english but typing fast sorry

Exactly. Low pay and not enough or sustainable permanent jobs or apprenticeships. Is there a sixth form/college in the town or is it elsewhere, relying in rural transport? Why would n’t you drive beyond the town? Does that not restrict access to jobs, education, healthcare, shopping etc which you hope to support your relatives with and vice versa. Sounds idyllic but reality , especially for dc, may well differ.