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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

“Being a single mum is so freeing”

83 replies

MaxwellCat · 15/07/2023 19:25

I often hear people say being a single mum is so “freeing” but is it? I’ve never felt so trapped I’m currently sat in with the kids like every other Saturday whilst I can hear my neighbours partying, I have no social life at all (I’m with the kids full time ex doesn’t have them) I haven’t been able to date in 6 years because I’m always with them…yes I can choose what park we go to or what wallpaper to have in my living room but I could do that anyway, I guess this just applies to people that was in controlling relationships where they couldn’t go out or do anything but I can’t do that now 😕 part of me thinks my ex doesn’t have them to spite me so I have no life of my own. I feel the opposite of “free”

OP posts:
Hubblebubble · 16/07/2023 20:00

I find it freeing, but I've only got the one child and a fully remote job.

Hubblebubble · 16/07/2023 20:01

And I don't want to date. But if I really want to go out to the cinema or something I can hire a babysitter.

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 16/07/2023 20:12

Yeah everyone i speak to claims they don't want to date but I've been single 6 years so I'm more than ready to date now! Babysitters I couldn't afford them and don't have anyone who can or would have them

OP posts:
sandybeaches74 · 16/07/2023 20:14

Do you have family nearby who can help or could you afford a babysitter? I have lived on my own with my children for a few years now and access to a good babysitter definitely makes things easier

LividHot · 16/07/2023 20:15

It's freeing if your ex has them for chunks of time, ngl.

You are NOT in that position.

Everyone's circumstances are different and need to be appreciated.

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 16/07/2023 20:16

I have family very close but they would never have my kids. Can't afford babysitters ex doesn't even pay maintenance

OP posts:
LividHot · 16/07/2023 20:21

Is there a reason why CMS can't get him?

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 16/07/2023 20:23

Not working or claiming benefits

OP posts:
Toloveandtowork · 16/07/2023 20:49

Well, you're trapped if you have no help and not enough money and might find it hard to keep your sense of self after a while. It's traumatising.

You are free of the man who gave you trouble but alone with children, you aren't really free in the world if you have ambitions beyond motherhood. It's easy to get worn down with the graft, monotony, kids playing up, and being mum (and dad) 24/7.

Mumoftwoinprimary · 16/07/2023 20:53

I suspect at least one of the below applies to people who say that:-
1 The ex was very controlling
2 They had fundamental differences in opinion with their ex on how to raise their children on so every day was a battlefield
3 Their ex has the kids for significant amounts of time
4 They have family who help out for significant amounts of time

RusticChips · 16/07/2023 21:02

I'm in a similar situation, ex moved to Spain, barely any maintenance as he says he has retired and does not have a pension, he's 50. I too listen to the neighbours partying and feel lonely, I do have my fiends round but won't meet anyone if I never go out - I do feel he is Roding it to spite me - when he was moving to Spain he said - he's got to live his life - mine means nothing then.

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 16/07/2023 21:08

RusticChips · 16/07/2023 21:02

I'm in a similar situation, ex moved to Spain, barely any maintenance as he says he has retired and does not have a pension, he's 50. I too listen to the neighbours partying and feel lonely, I do have my fiends round but won't meet anyone if I never go out - I do feel he is Roding it to spite me - when he was moving to Spain he said - he's got to live his life - mine means nothing then.

This is one of the reasons that prompted my post! My neighbours were having another Party last night whilst I was sat in alone like every night of the week on the sofa with nothing going on. I actually feel more controlled / trapped now because I’m sure my ex refuses to have the kids to punish me, whilst I can hear everyone else having fun then I’m told to do fun stuff with my kids, that’s great but I would like an adult social life!

OP posts:
Original poster
MaxwellCat · 16/07/2023 21:09

Mumoftwoinprimary · 16/07/2023 20:53

I suspect at least one of the below applies to people who say that:-
1 The ex was very controlling
2 They had fundamental differences in opinion with their ex on how to raise their children on so every day was a battlefield
3 Their ex has the kids for significant amounts of time
4 They have family who help out for significant amounts of time

Yep I very much suspect those reasons if those don’t apply it’s literally the opposite of freeing

OP posts:
Unexpectedlysinglemum · 16/07/2023 21:13

I'm sorry you are going through this. My only ideas are

  1. Find a support network of other local single mums and take turns to babysit/take each others kids. Or friend who are a couple - you take their kids for a sleepover one weekend so they can have date night and they do with yours on another weekend.
  1. Try to go to bed earlier and wake up earlier. There's something less lonely and more inspiring about mornings, you can do yoga or cook some nice meal prep meals or read or anything you like with that fresh energy - evenings when tired it's too easy to do depressing zoom scrolling!
Lemonclub88 · 16/07/2023 21:17

In my case it is freeing as I no longer have a surly manchild skulking about looking miserable. He does have DC for a few hours each week, the same as he did before but in slightly longer chunks. He rarely does an overnight as the DC get upset because he shouts at them or forgets to feed them.

I find that while I'm not lonely, I'm sad that I don't have a partner to do things with get to go out without DC. My time without them is where I catch up on sleep/cleaning/admin.

Although I can't go out and tend to have a social life through my phone, we went out this afternoon and had a lovely time together instead of having to stay in and be miserable with exh.

I know its hard, but the DC will be teens soon and things will get easier or different in that you will be able to do more things. In the same breath, I'm dreading the long summer holiday too.

Stressfordays · 16/07/2023 21:18

I find it freeing because my ex was extremely abusive and I would rather be with my kids 24/7 then spend another second with him. I also never want another relationship (and I'm 5 years down the line) as I am that damaged by it all.

However, I've also built up a good network of single mum friends over the years who will help me out, some even have teen daughters who are willing to babysit.

I do a lot of 'adult' things with my kids too, I'll walk to a local pub which has a play area and let them play, I'll have a drink and chat to whoever, just so I get out the house. I'll also invite friends to meet me there. I invite people over for bbqs and they return the invite. I'm more social now then I was ever allowed to be with my ex.

RusticChips · 16/07/2023 21:20

@MaxwellCat totally agree

Northernsoullover · 16/07/2023 21:24

I was in your situation and it's fucking shit. All I will say is hang in there (like you have a choice) it will get better. Now my children are 20 and 18 I feel like I've been let out of a cage.
What helped me was getting stuck into creative stuff so bead weaving, embroidery. I never did make anything half tidy but I had something to focus on at the end of the day.
When they were early teens I used to go to zumba for an hour so I gradually got a bit of 'me' back.

WaterBaby9 · 16/07/2023 21:28

Snap. Its freeing for the ones who call themselves single but actually receive contributions from the ex and usually the in laws without the hassle of the living together relationship dynamic they had as a couple. I receive £0, and he doesnt want to see the child. I am a single parent responsible for 100% of everything. My friend who split up with her husband a year ago, whose child goes there 3 days a week and receives respite, has free time and financial contribitions is not a single mum. She is just single. People massively mix the 2 up. Its freeing only in the sense that i dont need to discuss things like picking schools, medical decisions and come to agreements with the other parent but i happily would.

Hubblebubble · 16/07/2023 23:21

Could you have friends over every so often for a natter, glass of wine and movie night once the kids are in bed? I do that about twice a month

ThreadExterminator · 17/07/2023 00:10

If I'm feeling like socialising but can't afford a babysitter, I invite friends over to my place.

Not a quick process, but I have also built up a good support network locally over time, of friends and neighbours I can ask to babysit once in a while (probably helped by having only one child who is very very easy to look after).

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 17/07/2023 00:49

I’m glad you enjoy having friends over but that honestly made me feel worse. It felt like a pity party and they are only usually free on Saturdays before they head off out so would come round before a night out all dressed up to the nines whilst so it made me feel worse, they clearly didn’t want to spend their Saturdays stuck in the house with me but would come up for a few drinks before they headed off out…

OP posts:
Original poster
MaxwellCat · 17/07/2023 00:56

WaterBaby9 · 16/07/2023 21:28

Snap. Its freeing for the ones who call themselves single but actually receive contributions from the ex and usually the in laws without the hassle of the living together relationship dynamic they had as a couple. I receive £0, and he doesnt want to see the child. I am a single parent responsible for 100% of everything. My friend who split up with her husband a year ago, whose child goes there 3 days a week and receives respite, has free time and financial contribitions is not a single mum. She is just single. People massively mix the 2 up. Its freeing only in the sense that i dont need to discuss things like picking schools, medical decisions and come to agreements with the other parent but i happily would.

I relate to this so much, I struggled so much with picking a secondary school place for my son as the secondary Schools in the area are so bad. Honestly it would have been nice to have someone to discuss it with and the one he has got I know I made the wrong choice and I only have myself to blame for that! Would have been nice to have someone to run it over with, my family didn’t care and just said to pick what I think was best but as soon as it can back what school he had they were horrified telling me they couldn’t believe I picked that school but when I tried to ask their opinions they didn’t want to know.

Ive invited people round but I feel worse after knowing they are off out or we go to the park and they sit and chill out of the grass why I had to supervise my children so they were sat there laughing and chilling enjoying the sun whilst I was running around couldn’t even sit still. Been to restaurants with them but again I’m the only one with an army of kids so I feel awkward sat there worried one will set off and I will have to leave… nothing about this feels freeing at all. Babysitters are a luxury I can’t afford.

OP posts:
TheBeesKnee · 17/07/2023 01:01

I suppose it depends on why you split up in the first place?

I think you have to prioritise your spending if going out is important to you and set money aside to pay a babysitter, or send DC out to sleepovers, do a babysitting exchange with someone else who needs it?

Where there's a will there's a way.

Seddon · 17/07/2023 01:20

WaterBaby9 · 16/07/2023 21:28

Snap. Its freeing for the ones who call themselves single but actually receive contributions from the ex and usually the in laws without the hassle of the living together relationship dynamic they had as a couple. I receive £0, and he doesnt want to see the child. I am a single parent responsible for 100% of everything. My friend who split up with her husband a year ago, whose child goes there 3 days a week and receives respite, has free time and financial contribitions is not a single mum. She is just single. People massively mix the 2 up. Its freeing only in the sense that i dont need to discuss things like picking schools, medical decisions and come to agreements with the other parent but i happily would.

I disagree with this post. I don't receive any maintenance or family support, nor do my kids live with their father at all these days, and still I found it freeing to be out of a relationship with him and parenting alone.

I imagine a huge factor is whether you chose to leave the relationship because you decided it would be a better way of life for you and the kids (as I did). I was also established and independent before marrying and having children. Obviously women who are financially/practically relying on their spouse, only to have that ripped away without warning, are going to feel very differently and rightly so.