“Being a single mum is so freeing”

[MaxwellCat]

I often hear people say being a single mum is so “freeing” but is it? I’ve never felt so trapped I’m currently sat in with the kids like every other Saturday whilst I can hear my neighbours partying, I have no social life at all (I’m with the kids full time ex doesn’t have them) I haven’t been able to date in 6 years because I’m always with them…yes I can choose what park we go to or what wallpaper to have in my living room but I could do that anyway, I guess this just applies to people that was in controlling relationships where they couldn’t go out or do anything but I can’t do that now 😕 part of me thinks my ex doesn’t have them to spite me so I have no life of my own. I feel the opposite of “free”

I think it depends entirely on what you circumstances were pre-children.

For me, as a lone parent of one with no support (financial or otherwise) from my child’s father, I absolutely love our life. I’m mid-thirties though and spent a decade or longer going out and getting wrecked every weekend so it’s absolutely the last thing I want to do now. And I’ve made peace with the fact that I’m unlikely to meet anyone romantically any time soon, I’m lucky in that I have family close by that would babysit every now and then if I asked but I really just can’t be arsed with it. I’m happy for all my evenings just being at home, eating far too many snacks and watching crap telly while my LO sleeps. My child is the best thing that’s ever happened to me BUT I was utterly miserable before I was a mum, and hated the cycle of drinking way too much that I’d got myself into, so the only way was up!

I’m guessing that you were quite a bit younger than me when you became a mum, and you’ve already said that being single wasn’t your choice, so I think those two things (plus the fact you have four kids!) are why you don’t look at your life quite so adoringly at the moment. It’s totally understandable and I hope things improve for you soon.

But, we’ve all arrived at single / lone motherhood differently, and that’s why we will all have different takes on it. For some it’s freeing, for others imprisoning.

I don’t have any advice as such but all I will say is please don’t give it hope. I was so utterly fed up with life before I fell pregnant unexpectedly, and now I’m truly content. You never know what might be around the corner, and I do hope it’s something wonderful for you. Stay strong, you’re doing brilliantly ❤️

Yeah I had my oldest when I was 22 so I've been a mum all my 20s basically and I missed out on so much I dont necessarily mean nights out now anyway im too tired! But going on to dinner with friends/ cinema/ having hobbies would be nice everything I do is child related. And I've pretty much sat on the sofa every night since 22 so it does get boring having no social life (again not with kids!) Friends go on girls holidays I can't come, just stuff like that. I don't know any of the school mums well enough it's hello and bye.

I can't see how dating would improve this. If you could go out to do it, you'd waste that rare opportunity to go out and see friends or do something you enjoy, for you, by meeting men who would probably mostly be boring and dull. And then what? Even if you found a good one, presumably you wouldn't want to move them in with you and your young child.

As I said earlier in the thread, I would focus on pushing career progression forward. If you are finding the evenings boring you could spend them on study. Then you can earn more, then you can afford babysitters and evenings out and have a social life again.

I don't see how dating would be the solution to your feelings of isolation. And dating when feeling like this would likely mean you (even inadvertently) lower your standards because you wouldn't be coming from a place of feeling happy and confident with your life and looking for someone to enhance that, but for someone to fill a "gap" or some kind of emotional need you haven't met through building a more connected social network for yourself, and therefore you'd likely be a magnet for exactly the wrong type of person.

Honestly, focus on yourself first and don't consider dating until you are comfortably financially independent and happy and fulfiled in other aspect of your life like your social life already.

I’m not saying it would but I’m human and it’s normal! I’ve been single for SIX years. I would say it’s pretty normal to want to meet someone after 6 years since most single mums have a new man after 6 months! I wouldn’t be planning on moving anyone in but I’m not made of stone and yes shockingly I do miss having someone who cares about me and someone to talk to.

I can't go out. Everything is based around the kids if I go the kids go. I don't have baby sitters . I choose to have them so that's just how it is until they are older. I feel very content on my own though

Depends how long you’ve been single I was happy on my own for the first 5 years. It’s only the last year I’ve started missing having a relationship, if you’ve been single 1/2 years it’s easy to say you are happy on your own but the majority of single mums DO date again.

Single parenthood with a good co-parenting ex is freeing compared to an unhappy relationship.

Single parenting when it's just you is not freeing compared to a happy, supportive relationship where you each value each others need for space.

And everything in-between

Single parenting when it's just you is not freeing compared to a happy, supportive relationship where you each value each others need for space.

This situation would only arise if you were widowed though, as there would be no reason to end a happy, supportive relationship.

I've been single 10 years now. I did try dating around 1/2 years in but as @SpinCycles said I ended up being annoyed that I'd wasted precious time off on these guys. I did as she suggests and worked on myself for a decent job and have a shared hobby with the dc that takes a lot to facilitate. These days I cant even imagine where I'd fit a guy in to my life and admit i was just looking to fill a gap so I do think she makes a very good point

It is freeing in a way because I am no longer on stressed tenterhooks all the time. He has the kids a decent amount but we have four so it’s often a case of divide so a couple might be here .

TheBeesKnee · 17/07/2023 01:01
I suppose it depends on why you split up in the first place?

I don't really see why that has anything to do with it. As the father of the children they should contribute financially and want to spend time with their child, you should have to beg for it, no matter why you split.

I think you have to prioritise your spending if going out is important to you and set money aside to pay a babysitter, or send DC out to sleepovers, do a babysitting exchange with someone else who needs it?

1. You have to have spare cash to put aside.
2. You need to know people and feel you can trust them.

• easier said than done!

I don't really see why that has anything to do with it. As the father of the children they should contribute financially and want to spend time with their child, you should have to beg for it, no matter why you split.

I think the poster meant that if you split because things were very bad in the relationship then it would be freeing to escape from that. Even not getting any financial contribution until it was taken straight from his wages, and getting no time off from parenting, it can still be easier than before. If you split because he cheated or something but things weren't awful then it would be different.

I would say it’s pretty normal to want to meet someone after 6 years since most single mums have a new man after 6 months!

Also, this is really not the norm, at all!!

It seems to be the case from what I read on here!

After 2 years of being a single mum, I've just joined a dating app, and so far been on two first dates (while they were nice guys, the chemistry was non-existent, so I don't want to see either of them again).

Perhaps try going on a dating app, and you could maybe meet someone local for lunch/coffee once your DC are back to school? While hard to make it work, there will be someone out there who will fit into your life in the way you need them to.

I have thought about joining dating apps but tbh I know I will only attract men that want sex and nothing more. No man will be happy never being able to go on dates or weekends away etc and whilst fwb is OK and nothing against it it really wouldn't work for me im someone that gets feelings if I'm regularly sleeping with someone not looking for anything casual/ someone to come round when kids are in bed etc

It’s crap isn’t it. I feel free in the sense that it’s better than being in an awful relationship but it’s hard not to feel trapped in the house. Any time I do get, had to be organised and planned in advance, and I don’t like to waste it on people that I don’t know, and also what man would want that? It’s never regular, and is tough to organise. I feel your pain, it’s hard work. It won’t be forever that’s what I keep holding onto.

I found it freeing because my ex was abusive .

I was a Lp though no contact from 3 even before it was 2 hours a fortnight.

so it’s hard - beavers / cubs / scouts was my saving grace . Apart from that i would go out one night a year.

I had a significant birthday- party with friends and kids in the afternoon .

i think making peace with that was what got me through . My Ds is older now so have more freedom . It’s hard . I won’t tell you different but I do have a close relationship with D’s as a result

Exactly that's how I feel. What man would want a woman that can't even leave the house? No freedom, no alone time, no dates, no spontaneity. If I posted that I was considering dating a man in my situation I would be told to run for the hills! Don't want another single parent as quite frankly don't want any more kids in my life got enough going on with mine and even if I did 99% of single dad's get loads of free time off anyway so have no idea what it's like being with your children 24/7. I couldn't expect anyone to be interested in me would just be wasting mine/their time.

That's why I made the suggestions I did, @MaxwellCat .

I am a lone parent. I have been since my DCs were babies. Zero contact between DCs and ex-H. No family help/ babysitting etc.

I have no interest in dating 5 years on, at all, and haven't done so at any point. However, if I did wish to, I could. If you focus on career first and improving your financial situation you can get yourself into a position where you can afford babysitting, including perhaps building a relationship between a nanny and DC to a point where you're comfortable leaving the nanny to stay in your house for overnights with your DC and DC is happy with that toi because they have known them for years, like part of the family. Overnights are not charged at the same per hour (given much of the time is spent asleep).

Whole weekends/ weeks away are not required for dating. Many adults have commitments meaning this wouldn't be possible for a variety of reasons (work, elderly parents, children etc).

Personally I really could not be bothered to waste my free time on it, I'd much rather do something on my own or see friends. But it's not impossible.

You need to focus on financial stability for you and DC first, then you'll be much happier anyway and be able to free up finances to fund dates/ childcare.

Generally your posts (as well as understandable frustration - believe me I get it!) seem to show very low self-esteem, and I don't think that is a good place to start from for dating even if it was easier logistically and financially. So I think focusing on the other aspects of your life to that you are happy in yourself, have some disposable income and also a social life of your own with friends again so you don't feel lonely and aren't looking for a partner for that reason, will not only make it practically feasible to date again if you still wish to at that point but also mean you are far more likely to find a successful relationship and find the right kind of person, so to me the focus on dating right now doesn't seem to be a helpful focus in any respect.

What are you loooking for? A man to move in with you & your kids? That's going to bring you many more problems not less.

I think you need some patience here. You've chosen to have FOUR kids. That's not very compatible with "freedom" , especially if you don't work. You'd be better off making a long term plan for reclaiming your time once they're all 10+

Agree with this.

Did you misunderstand what I said? I said I WONT look for a man because I’m aware my situation is off putting!!!! That’s literally what I said but I equally said I can’t do fwb. Meaning I haven’t looked at all. I have NOT tried to date at all because I get NO time off. Which means it’s pointless, what part of not wanting a FWB did you take to mean I want a man to move in? I would never move a man in here but I don’t want a casual relation either

I wish people would stop banging on about a career. I do work I’m a full time carer to a disabled child! I’m not looking to date and haven’t tried in 6 years my whole post was about how restrictive being a lone parent is because if my children’s father DID have them then I could work!! (DD CANT attend child care without going into the ins and outs of my life she is aggressive and attacks people 🤷🏻‍♀️ she cannot attend any form of child care) or could date but I can’t do any of that because I’m totally on my own with zero support. I had to give up work due to dd because she was being excluded from school constantly and I couldn’t managed all her reduced time table and appointments and all other needs. But if I got time off then I absolutely would date! I’m allowed to want some companionship 🤦🏻‍♀️ anyway being a single mum isn’t freeing unless you have a lot of support from family, or an ex heavily involved and get regular time off, even if I could afford babysitters I wouldn’t want to leave them with someone I didn’t know and no one would be able to manage dds behaviour anyway!