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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

Original poster

“Being a single mum is so freeing”

83 replies

MaxwellCat · 15/07/2023 19:25

I often hear people say being a single mum is so “freeing” but is it? I’ve never felt so trapped I’m currently sat in with the kids like every other Saturday whilst I can hear my neighbours partying, I have no social life at all (I’m with the kids full time ex doesn’t have them) I haven’t been able to date in 6 years because I’m always with them…yes I can choose what park we go to or what wallpaper to have in my living room but I could do that anyway, I guess this just applies to people that was in controlling relationships where they couldn’t go out or do anything but I can’t do that now 😕 part of me thinks my ex doesn’t have them to spite me so I have no life of my own. I feel the opposite of “free”

OP posts:
SpinCycles · 17/07/2023 01:25

MaxwellCat · 16/07/2023 20:12

Yeah everyone i speak to claims they don't want to date but I've been single 6 years so I'm more than ready to date now! Babysitters I couldn't afford them and don't have anyone who can or would have them

If you can't afford a babysitter how could you afford to be going out on dates?

It sounds to me like you need to work on building your own life first so that you're happy, and in a better financial situation. Trying to date when you're not happy and feel you "have no life" would be a disaster anyway and you'd be a magnet for exactly the wrong type of person that you want to avoid like the plague. If you are so dissatisfied with your own life, what would you have to offer to someone else as a partner?

You'd be better off IMO focusing on work progression so you have some free money to go out sometimes and have your own social life, hobbies, see friends and think about dating later once you've done all of that.

Nat6999 · 17/07/2023 01:33

I felt like I had been let out of jail when I became a single mum. Not having to put up with anyone else wanting anything except ds, I could do what I wanted without being judged, I could read in bed if I wanted, watch what I wanted on television, turn the television off & have some peace. It was like learning to breathe again.

MintJulia · 17/07/2023 03:08

It's freeing for me, to be rid of someone whose nasty views and opinions only emerged after ds was born. To be able to raise my ds away from all that ignorant bigoted nonsense.

I feel huge relief that ds will not grow up listening to ex's opinions on women, won't grow up being encouraged to drink as the only way to be 'one of the boys', and won't be made to feel inadequate because he doesn't like football or beer. I chose ds' school, & make all the decisions that he can't do for himself.

Ds is calm, kind, happy, and well educated, now at 15 is a pleasure to spend time with. We cycle & practice martial arts together, have weekends away travelling. OK so I don't spend weekends away partying or dating, but there will be time for that when ds turns 18 and heads off to uni. I genuinely wouldn't have it any other way.

jolaylasofia · 17/07/2023 05:55

how old are your children? i suggest getting a job. My work hours really let me escape from being mum but also you will have extra money to pay for baby sitters

EmeraldFox · 17/07/2023 06:15

Mumoftwoinprimary · 16/07/2023 20:53

I suspect at least one of the below applies to people who say that:-
1 The ex was very controlling
2 They had fundamental differences in opinion with their ex on how to raise their children on so every day was a battlefield
3 Their ex has the kids for significant amounts of time
4 They have family who help out for significant amounts of time

The first fits the best but he wasn't so much controlling as just verbally and then physically abusive. The others don't apply. I was free of his abuse and the constant stress of that. Most relationships where there are children do end for a reason.

EmeraldFox · 17/07/2023 06:18

I imagine a huge factor is whether you chose to leave the relationship because you decided it would be a better way of life for you and the kids (as I did). I was also established and independent before marrying and having children. Obviously women who are financially/practically relying on their spouse, only to have that ripped away without warning, are going to feel very differently and rightly so.

Yes, this. Many women leave as it will be better. I am a lone parent, it's still better.

TomatoesAjdSunshine · 17/07/2023 06:19

My single friends go out more than I do. But they have childcare sorted with family or their kid's fathers.

Our friends also have parties where all the kids are invited. So childcare is not needed. We also regularly swap sleepovers with close families. So, we have their kids for a weekend and vice versa.

I don't have loads of money to pay for babysitters either. Just a support network. Can you look to build one op? If family isn't an option? Do you have mates you can swap some childcare with?

TheOrigRights · 17/07/2023 06:19

It's freeing for me because ex kept my mind prisoner and I was slowly becoming physically isolated from friends, family and outside activities.

Yes, when DS was younger I was trapped by not being able to leave him and also the sometimes crushing emotional responsibility (still get that) but it's down to me how I handle that, not someone else.

TomatoesAjdSunshine · 17/07/2023 06:21

Hubblebubble · 16/07/2023 23:21

Could you have friends over every so often for a natter, glass of wine and movie night once the kids are in bed? I do that about twice a month

This

TomatoesAjdSunshine · 17/07/2023 06:24

Ah sorry seems like you tried that but it didn't work.

How old are your kids op & how many do you have?

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 17/07/2023 09:11

SpinCycles · 17/07/2023 01:25

If you can't afford a babysitter how could you afford to be going out on dates?

It sounds to me like you need to work on building your own life first so that you're happy, and in a better financial situation. Trying to date when you're not happy and feel you "have no life" would be a disaster anyway and you'd be a magnet for exactly the wrong type of person that you want to avoid like the plague. If you are so dissatisfied with your own life, what would you have to offer to someone else as a partner?

You'd be better off IMO focusing on work progression so you have some free money to go out sometimes and have your own social life, hobbies, see friends and think about dating later once you've done all of that.

Show quote history

Because those with involved exes don’t need to pay for babysitters? Sitters where I am are £80+ that’s on top of a night out, so NO I can’t afford it on top of a night out (it would be professional sitters as I don’t know anyone that can have them and this was the minimum cost) £20
per hour min 4 hours

OP posts:
Original poster
MaxwellCat · 17/07/2023 09:12

jolaylasofia · 17/07/2023 05:55

how old are your children? i suggest getting a job. My work hours really let me escape from being mum but also you will have extra money to pay for baby sitters

That would be lovely but my oldest is disabled.

OP posts:
Original poster
MaxwellCat · 17/07/2023 09:12

EmeraldFox · 17/07/2023 06:18

I imagine a huge factor is whether you chose to leave the relationship because you decided it would be a better way of life for you and the kids (as I did). I was also established and independent before marrying and having children. Obviously women who are financially/practically relying on their spouse, only to have that ripped away without warning, are going to feel very differently and rightly so.

Yes, this. Many women leave as it will be better. I am a lone parent, it's still better.

He left me…

OP posts:
Original poster
MaxwellCat · 17/07/2023 09:13

TomatoesAjdSunshine · 17/07/2023 06:19

My single friends go out more than I do. But they have childcare sorted with family or their kid's fathers.

Our friends also have parties where all the kids are invited. So childcare is not needed. We also regularly swap sleepovers with close families. So, we have their kids for a weekend and vice versa.

I don't have loads of money to pay for babysitters either. Just a support network. Can you look to build one op? If family isn't an option? Do you have mates you can swap some childcare with?

Their kids see their father so are free on the weekends and don’t need any help. My kids are past the age of making friends at baby / toddler groups and I have 4 so would be cheeky asking anyone to have them really

OP posts:
Ilikepinacoladass · 20/07/2023 07:47

It's obviously quite a nuanced subject, I wouldn't listen to anyone making blanking statements about anything (ie. Being a single parent it freeing) as everyone's situation will be different!

Also most things aren't black and white. I find great elements of feeling free about it, but at the same time lots that feels isolating and trapping! All in all I feel more free than with the ex though (I left him)

EmeraldFox · 20/07/2023 08:18

I think it's a comparative thing. If you had a partner who did their share and wasn't difficult to live with then of course it would be harder on your own. If they were abusive, spent the family money on drugs, alcohol, gambling etc, or didn't do their share of parenting, then it's going to be better on your own.

ChrisTrepidation · 21/07/2023 19:16

I personally don't find it freeing.

I'm a lone parent of young twins. My parents have them when I work but other than that I have then 24/7.

People tell you to make an effort but personally I'm too exhausted most of the time to actually bother. I love my DC more than anything but the mental toll of having no life of your own really does take a lot out of you.

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 21/07/2023 20:36

Yep I'm still here not finding it freeing. I want to take my daughter to see the barbie movie but I can't because I have no one to watch the other kids (they don't want to come and one is too young) so we can't go 🤷‍♀️ (unless I spend £80 on baby sitters which i wont be doing) so trapped again.

OP posts:
EmeraldFox · 22/07/2023 09:46

Could she see the film with a couple of friends instead? I know it's not the same if you wanted to do it together though.

liveforsummer · 22/07/2023 09:54

You're free to have fun times with your dc without a shit or abusive man weighing you down. Assume he came under one of the brackets. My dc go to their dads now EOW but they didn't for a very long time. I really miss the freedom to make plans and do as we wanted. Try to arrange things with them that you find fun. Meet with friends, light up a bbq, pack a picnic and go on an adventure. You might even meet someone out and about for all you know. Didn't just sit in the house listening to others having fun. Make your own!

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 22/07/2023 13:17

EmeraldFox · 22/07/2023 09:46

Could she see the film with a couple of friends instead? I know it's not the same if you wanted to do it together though.

No she's autistic she doesn't go out without me

OP posts:
Original poster
MaxwellCat · 22/07/2023 13:23

liveforsummer · 22/07/2023 09:54

You're free to have fun times with your dc without a shit or abusive man weighing you down. Assume he came under one of the brackets. My dc go to their dads now EOW but they didn't for a very long time. I really miss the freedom to make plans and do as we wanted. Try to arrange things with them that you find fun. Meet with friends, light up a bbq, pack a picnic and go on an adventure. You might even meet someone out and about for all you know. Didn't just sit in the house listening to others having fun. Make your own!

No chance of meeting a man when I'm with my kids and any man that did approach me in front of them I would find odd but having 4 men don't come anywhere near me anyway! Don't have many friends and the ones I do don't have young kids so we are mostly alone anyway I will spend the holidays alone with them.

OP posts:
rockingbird · 23/07/2023 10:33

Is there a local school leaver nearby looking for some pocket money? They should be responsible enough to sit with the other children whilst you go and see the movie. I hear what your saying.. my two boys are with me pretty much all the time. ExH has them eow but that's about it.! I'm not ready to go out and do anything socially so I'm not bothered. But.. hopefully in time I'll be able to.

Original poster
MaxwellCat · 23/07/2023 12:57

I don't know any teens unfortunately. My ex doesn't have them at all its been 6 years so I'm ready to socialise now maybe in the early days I wasn't but its been 6 years since he left and I've spent every single night at home with them.

OP posts:
rockingbird · 23/07/2023 16:07

No local school mums with older kids? The ones just left school in between college / work.. perfect age. I get that getting out is probably tricky but massively important for you to get a break!