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Lone parents

Use our Single Parent forum to speak to other parents raising a child alone.

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Original poster

“Being a single mum is so freeing”

83 replies

MaxwellCat · 15/07/2023 19:25

I often hear people say being a single mum is so “freeing” but is it? I’ve never felt so trapped I’m currently sat in with the kids like every other Saturday whilst I can hear my neighbours partying, I have no social life at all (I’m with the kids full time ex doesn’t have them) I haven’t been able to date in 6 years because I’m always with them…yes I can choose what park we go to or what wallpaper to have in my living room but I could do that anyway, I guess this just applies to people that was in controlling relationships where they couldn’t go out or do anything but I can’t do that now 😕 part of me thinks my ex doesn’t have them to spite me so I have no life of my own. I feel the opposite of “free”

OP posts:

Aerish · 31/07/2023 12:46

I have no family and my little boys father walked out when he was a couple of months old. It is just me and my son, he didn't start school until he was six because of his disabilities.
It was really hard for the first couple of years and I really struggled, one day I realised that it's not up to my child to make us happy though, I'm the adult and our happiness depended on me. I chose to have him and I realised we are lucky to have each other.
I have made our home really nice and we have a dog as part of our little family. It takes some planning but we do things together.

It's not up to everyone else to make yours and your children's lives better, it's up to you. You can either be a victim because of other people or you can do things to improve your life yourself.

Being a single mom for me is freeing, you really don't have it worse than a lot of people at all.

Every thread in every user name that you use is always around negativity, there must be some good things that make you happy that you can focus on.

Original poster

MaxwellCat · 31/07/2023 13:01

Because being a single mum is shit that’s why my posts are negative I absolutely hate it but from what I read on here most have chosen this path which is why they “love it”

OP posts:

Original poster

MaxwellCat · 31/07/2023 13:04

And actually I do know single mums that get every weekend off or share 50/50 with the father so they have no clue what it’s like to never get a single second to yourself!

OP posts:

SpinCycles · 31/07/2023 14:27

@MaxwellCat it is hard to be doing everything yourself. Both of my DC have disabilities so I get thaf aspect of it too. I certainly didn't choose that or what their father did. I don't even know any other single mothers, all of my friends are still married and also have family support. I am happy for them. And, they have their own struggles, as everyone does. You sound resentful if others' situations though and that is not healthy.

It up to me to make the best of the situation and design a life - around the limitations that I can't change - that brings me some happiness. You can only play the cards you are dealt. Nobody else can do that for you as the PP stated. If you want things to change you will have to start taking some positive steps yourself. Wallowing in your frustration isn't going to get you anywhere.

EmeraldFox · 31/07/2023 14:30

anyway being a single mum isn’t freeing unless you have a lot of support from family, or an ex heavily involved and get regular time off

It absolutely is freeing if it was worse before. My family was not around to support, my ex court ordered not to contact us. I got no time off but it was freeing.

SpinCycles · 31/07/2023 14:41

And there are nannies who are trained to work with children with disabilities. The key is working on improving your financial situation, so in your position I would focus on that because then you'll have far more options and freedom. Also you should be getting some respite through social services if your daughter is severely disabled? Plus DLA that is meant to help you meet the extra costs of her disability, like specialist activites for her which would also give you a break?

Ilikepinacoladass · 31/07/2023 20:07

EmeraldFox · 31/07/2023 14:30

anyway being a single mum isn’t freeing unless you have a lot of support from family, or an ex heavily involved and get regular time off

It absolutely is freeing if it was worse before. My family was not around to support, my ex court ordered not to contact us. I got no time off but it was freeing.

Exactly, it's all about context. It's obviously not more freeing than being with a loving, supportive partner.

If the OP had the exact same circumstances as currently but also an abusive or generally just pain in the arse husband I think she would then understand what ppl mean when they say it's 'freeing' to be a single parent

Yea2023 · 31/07/2023 21:33

Sounds really difficult OP.

You’ve been a parent from young so presumably didn’t experience/have much freedom.

Do I detect that DC father was a bit controlling?

Then you had choices taken away, he left you (blindsided?), at least 1 child is disabled, you have no support/respite?

I imagine those who have chosen to end relationship, chose to stay in of a night/stay single etc might not feel trapped as they weren’t powerless in those options.

I’ve no advice, just wanted to point out that it sounds hard.

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