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Original poster

Would you invite ex to child's birthday party?

29 replies

NeedSleepNow · 14/04/2023 10:47

My ex has been complaining to the kids that he is not invited to their birthday parties (usually either a small party at home with school friends or taking some friends out to an activity like bowling/trampolining etc) . I pay for the parties completely, he has never once offered to help financially, the children have never asked for him to be there (if they asked I would invite him), and he doesn't know any of their friends.

My son is having a few friends round to the house for pizza for his birthday and his Dad is angry I haven't invited him. Am I in the wrong for not inviting him? I think it would be a bit wierd for DS and his friends to have his Dad round here when he doesn't know any of the friends and he doesn't live here. DS is 13 and has said he absolutely does not want his Dad coming!

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Popcorn640 · 14/04/2023 10:49

I was reading it thinking of young primary age children and how yes I do think you should try and include dad - at least when parties are outside of your home.
But for a 13 year old no - he's barely even going to want you to be there aside from turning the oven on!

Kingdedede · 14/04/2023 10:52

I never have, we used to do parties every other year when primary age, I have friends who do.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 14/04/2023 10:56

Popcorn640 · 14/04/2023 10:49

I was reading it thinking of young primary age children and how yes I do think you should try and include dad - at least when parties are outside of your home.
But for a 13 year old no - he's barely even going to want you to be there aside from turning the oven on!

I didn't invite him to the younger ones parties either. Those were outside of the home, but we aren't getting on well and he just complains about me non stop and the money I spend on things like this, so I opted not to invite him. Maybe I should invite him to those sort of one's going forward, it just seems a bit awkward when he knows none of the children or parents.

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LookItsMeAgain · 14/04/2023 10:58

I'm not separated/divorced, but if he wanted to attend a party for his kid(s) he could have a party in his place for his child(ren), and he could have been doing that all along. In my opinion, it is not your job/role to make your ex comfortable by inviting him to a child's birthday party.
I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that by the tone of your post, he hasn't ever thrown a kids birthday party.

Mylittlesandwich · 14/04/2023 10:59

I'm a great many years on from this, I'm now an adult with separated parents. My mum invited him for the first few years but he never came so she stopped asking. Even now as an adult I invite him to things but he won't come. Petty.

marshmallowsforbreakfast · 14/04/2023 11:00

I invite him, no reason why mum and Dad can't be there. That said, DC are a lot younger.

liveforsummer · 14/04/2023 11:01

I never have, he's welcome to organise his own party for dc if he wanted but he's never bothered.

OhMyDaisies · 14/04/2023 11:02

I did this once with my eldest's dad and I'd never do it again. He doesn't know my friends or their children so it was just really awkward and he brought his girlfriend who gave me dirty looks the whole time.

Skybluepinky · 14/04/2023 11:05

No, if he wants an invite he can arrange a party.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 14/04/2023 11:06

Thanks for all the replies. No he has never organised a party himself. When we were together and I had parties at home for the children he would just go and sit in the other room. He never wanted to socialise with the other parents (said they were all idiots with more money than sense) and I am close friends with many of the parents and they know how he treated the children and me so it just feels a bit awkward. Maybe next year I'll ask the kids if they want him there and leave it up to them.

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YellowGreenBlue · 14/04/2023 11:06

If your son doesn't want him there you are right not to invite him.

Gardeningdogs · 14/04/2023 11:07

Does he normally come in to your home? If not why would you bring him in for a party? He's just being annoying so ignore him. Don't put the complications of him being there ahead of you being relaxed

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 14/04/2023 11:07

OhMyDaisies · 14/04/2023 11:02

I did this once with my eldest's dad and I'd never do it again. He doesn't know my friends or their children so it was just really awkward and he brought his girlfriend who gave me dirty looks the whole time.

That sounds awful him bringing his girlfriend along too!

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ComeTheFuckOnBridgett · 14/04/2023 11:08

I've always said he can come with his other kids for the sake of our boys but he's never rocked up.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 14/04/2023 11:12

Gardeningdogs · 14/04/2023 11:07

Does he normally come in to your home? If not why would you bring him in for a party? He's just being annoying so ignore him. Don't put the complications of him being there ahead of you being relaxed

@Gardeningdogs Unfortunately yes he does - it is taking a long long time to separate our finances and we still own the house jointly (the kids live here with me full time in the house and he rents somewhere) . He makes a point of just coming round when he feels like, particularly when it is my weekend with the kids. Says he needs to pick something up then sits watching telly for 4 hours. I've got home from a day out with the kids before and found him there on the sofa when we got back, eating a sandwich that he made with my food etc. I can't wait to get the house sold and have a home that is mine only and to never have him come in unless I invite him.

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Kingdedede · 14/04/2023 11:30

Sounds like my ex who decided to have a nap on ‘our’ bed when we were in a similar situation, he was swiftly told he didn’t live there anymore and it was my space.

OhMyCherriePie · 14/04/2023 11:32

My ex was invited (well he asked to come) but didn’t show up so no he won’t be invited again don’t need a disappointed child on their birthday.

WheelsUp · 14/04/2023 11:32

There's nothing stopping him arranging something for his side of the family.

The fact that your child is 13 and doesn't want dad there shows that you're right imo.

Meandfour · 14/04/2023 11:37

I think he should be invited, yes. Just as I would expect him to invite you if contact on the child’s birthday falls on his day.

maddy68 · 14/04/2023 11:39

I definitely would have invited ex when he was younger but at 13 it's not a party it's pizza with his mates

Oojamaflipp · 14/04/2023 11:41

Why don't you just suggest to him that he take them out for a meal to celebrate, just them (especially as he hasn't contributed to any parties ever), that way if it's genuinely about seeing the kids for their bday, he can do so without being involved in the parties

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 14/04/2023 11:44

Meandfour · 14/04/2023 11:37

I think he should be invited, yes. Just as I would expect him to invite you if contact on the child’s birthday falls on his day.

On their actual birthdays I have always invited him round to have a meal with the kids - he has come over each time and I have cooked dinner for him, the kids have shown him their presents etc. The parties haven't ever been on their actual birthdays

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Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 14/04/2023 11:45

Oojamaflipp · 14/04/2023 11:41

Why don't you just suggest to him that he take them out for a meal to celebrate, just them (especially as he hasn't contributed to any parties ever), that way if it's genuinely about seeing the kids for their bday, he can do so without being involved in the parties

He always sees them on their actual birthdays, he comes over for dinner with them or comes over during the day if its on a weekend/school holidays

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Broadbeachshallow · 14/04/2023 11:46

Inviting ex... Not beyond primary school, no.

Even in primary school... not when him being there is going to be awkward or uncomfortable, as the dc will notice. The day is about them, not him.

Letting himself into your home means that you need more boundaries, not fewer.

I wouldn't ask the dc either. Don't pass that decision onto them; it's a burden. Make it yourself.

If ex wants to do something special for their birthday, he can. No one is stopping him. He needs to build his own relationship and traditions with them, not hijack yours.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 14/04/2023 11:47

Kingdedede · 14/04/2023 11:30

Sounds like my ex who decided to have a nap on ‘our’ bed when we were in a similar situation, he was swiftly told he didn’t live there anymore and it was my space.

That's awful, thankfully ex hasn't napped on the bed yet. He did say at one point he was going to start having all his contact with the kids back here at the house and staying over night but I swiftly said that that was not happening.

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